Friday, 21 October 2016
I have a question for the ladies.
I have this classmate whom I happen to like a lot. She's got a firecracker personality and has the body of a real kenyan woman, married with three kids, I had to ask her a few days ago "Mina do you workout" to which she responded with a hearty "God forbid!" But she soon added "some evenings I run. If you ask me why I run, I don't know. I just saw that many women in my estate have suddenly started running so I started running too... But I don't know why". LOL. So anyways Mina is very smart, funny, engaging and hot! Her figure is fire! Small upper body, tiny waist but hips and an arse that just won't quit!
One of the things I noticed was the way she always talked about her husband, you could tell that they're in love even after years of marriage and 3 kids. It's also remarkable because they work in the same company. Her stories are always peppered with various exotic activities she did with her husband or something sickeningly romantic he did for her.
A few days ago she was telling a male classmate of ours that she could help him with a job where she works. Her husband is at managerial level so she said "Don't worry, when he comes home I'll talk to him. When he is mine, with me, when he is my own, when he comes back from that other place... I'll talk to him". She said this solemnly, casually, lightly... guiltlessly.
The class was quiet for some seconds as we tried to figure out if Mina was simply up to her usual jokes, or if she meant it.
Alas Mina was serious.
She and I talked subsequently and it's got me wondering.
So ladies I'm asking you, do you think you can truly love a man, your own man, and still share him with another?
(And no they're not muslims, neither do they belong to a culture that accepts polygamy. The lady herself has simply accepted her fate, that the man she loves, her husband, must be shared...).
Me I don't think I can o! Ordinary boyfriend sef I no fit, much less husband. 😰
Would years of marriage make you more accepting of this situation?
Let's talk about it.
This mail was s'posed to be a dear thelma post but as writeright is the order of the day...
So my story is this, I think I like girls. All my life I've been straight, never really fantasized about sex with a female or anything like that. Two years ago I dated someone more like a fling and we tried some crazy stuff, to be specific we had a threesome twice. I never knew the other girls and in both cases they were lesbians. They were pretty okay but I was not interested in them remotely. But on both occasion they gave me oral sex and I must confess that it was mind blowing, I finally realized that all the men that had been doing it to me before who thought they're experts are just learners. Both times my orgasm was the best av had in my life but it didn't move me to try to touch the girls or even be tempted to sleep with girls. I was still very straight, even though one of the girls tried to contact me later for us to see again, I refused and even blocked her on my whatsapp.
So I was convinced that I'm 100 percent straight. I love guys and their sexual organs and their bodies and everything. Did I also add that I got married early this year?
I got transferred to another branch this year and there's this girl in my office that is literally giving me wet dreams. From the first day I saw her I felt a strong connection (sexual) to her. After that I kept trying to make sure our paths cross cos I was confused abt what I felt but the more we saw the stronger my feelings are. I don't know what it is about her, I have met hotter girls or women, in fact without meaning to toot my own horn I think I'm even prettier than she is. But there is something so sensual about her that turns me on. She is just so feminine and naturally seductive, it's the little things about her like her long lashes (natural), full lips, the way she talks or laughs, her cleavage and the way she walks. Also she looks like she likes sex a lot, I'm not sure why I think so cos she's not loose nor has any guy in the office claimed to her slept with her.
I tried to ignore it but I noticed I started fantasizing about her a lot and anytime I see her I start to get wet. In fact when I'm making love to my hubby and I think about her the orgasm is heaven on earth.
This is where it gets interesting. TGIF in September we all went out and had a few drinks. I think I was tipsy or I pretended to be tipsy, because I put my hand on her thigh and let În stay there on purpose. She then opened her legs wider and pulled my hand into her thigh. Wow I was to shy to do anything so I removed my hand and went home shortly after.
But I can't stop thinking about her, she has me the green light, it's like she knows that I've been having a crush on her and she seems not to mind as in the office now she seems to be flirting with me. We work in different departments but I'm ahead of her at work, but she's a grown adult, about 28.
I want to explore my options with her but I don't know if I should, please what do you think? Especially anyone who has been in my shoes. I also don't think my hubby will mind too much if I get caught, it's not really like its actually cheating. Or is it? Please let us have a honest mature conversation. Children and Judgy-judgy people please stay away.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
A friend is married. She married the guy because he helped her financially while in University. During NYSC, she got pregnant for the guy and to avoid family shame. A hurried traditional and white wedding was done before the pregnancy became visible.
Its five years now and 2 kids in the marriage. She still does not feel love for her husband but rather for her first man who is also married. She swears her first cheating on her husband with her lover resulted in her last and first male child (7 months). Her husband is staying in Lagos while the lady is staying at Ekiti due to work. The parents in-law also stay in Ekiti. The issue now is that the lover is insisting she tell her husband the true father of her child as he (lover) will want to train his child in his roof. Please be informed that her lover is married and still waiting on the lord for a child with his wife. The lover has been taking care of her very well since the birth of the child to the extent of giving her a car last month which she lied to her husband that it belongs to her elder brother. She is in a fix. Should she tell her husband, What happens to her after the confession. Should she run away and with her children and abandon both men. The lover is already happily married.
My people. Please don't curse her because she is not in a good frame of mind at the moment. I told her I will post his here and given her the blog id. Kindly help her by giving her sincere advice.
The only circumstance under which she she should tell her husband is if she is ready to exit her marriage. As for her "lover" YIMU to him. She should please ignore him, he is a termite, he only wants to destroy. Yeye man. Unless he's planning to marry her as wife number 2 or leave his current wife for her, he should GTFOH. For what shall it profit a woman to destroy her life and her marriage to please a selfish man whose life shall continue unperturbed?
I am 18 years old
Smart,beautiful & fabulous
Anthony & I just started dating recently, He is head over heels, the feeling is mutual. Absolutely
I leave for the USA in two weeks. Yes, I got admitted to study genetics engineering. I have always been so fascinated with G.E especially the promise it holds for agriculture. So Stanford University,here I come.
My parents have always wanted the very best for me, their actions towards me since birth could only stem from parental love. My friend Rachael also got admitted to study Media arts & Animations in another University in the USA. If am fascinated about G.E, Rachel has always been super crazy about animations,bringing cartoon characters to live....I can already envision our years in the USA been so much fun.
Yet I am lying down in an hospital bed after I slit my wrists. I thought I would be dead by now. I just couldn't bare it anymore. The darkness is so overwhelming,how do I get out of this abyss?Does anyone really understand?How do I explain to another soul what I can't put into words?That my life seems perfect but I feel listless and despondent within?
It's like one moment I was so happy and then the next moment It was a struggle to understand what I felt,when exactly I started feeling it and why I was feeling it. So yes I am smart,beautiful and fabulous but I haven't felt like that in a very long time.
Depression is not a rich man's disease neither is it just the socially inept cross. It cuts across age groups, social strata,religious inclinations,race gender. There have been countless stories of people with seemingly perfect lives who just woke up one day and committed suicide. What's worse is that their family and friends thought they were doing perfectly fine.
It's always advisable to speak out and get professional help if need be, it's nothing to be ashamed of,let no man tell you otherwise. Have you ever been depressed or know anyone who was?what were the signs & causes? How did you or them get through it? Please share,you never know who you might be helping
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
The bile was right there in my throat when I read that Kendu Blige (yes since he wants Mary J Blige to pay him 6 figures in divorce settlements then he must answer her surname) is asking his soon to be ex wife Mary J Blige for six figures in divorce settlement because he has GROWN ACCUSTOMED to the life of luxury in which he lived when they were married, especially as she was the sole breadwinner during their 12 year marriage.
Even before I heard anyone's reaction I already knew that many men and anti-feminists will scream Yes it's good, Gender Equality, abi? And stick their tongues out saying Where are all you Chimamanda followers?
Truth be told this is gender equality.
Greater truth be told only a weak ass man would ask a woman for that amount of money, in a divorce settlement. Especially one who couldn't come up with a better reason than "I'm now used to the good life and it's your fault", and yeah "You shouldn't have been the breadwinner for that long, you've made me useless".😒😰😡
So yes, while I strongly advocate gender equality, I pray for a man who's too much of a man to shamelessly dabble in such shenanigans. One who's too much of an alpha male to allow me to shoulder the financial burdens of the home alone, no matter how wealthy or successful I am. A man who's naturally averse of all forms of pettiness.
I pray for a MAN.
I also pray that you dissipate the anger in my spirit I feel towards this Kendu individual and persons like him.
And on that day I bid you all a splendid day!
Ok... Rant over. What are your thoughts on the Kendu-Mary situation? Do you think she should be made to pay him alimony, and why?
Sunday, 16 October 2016
The Trainer of my Entrepreneurship&Business class just sent this to the group chat and I thought to share.
*THE CHICKEN AND THE EAGLE*
You may sponsor 50 into your team but provided they are all chickens, they will never fly and your business dies.
On the contrary, if you sponsor just 1 person onto your team, and the person is an eagle, the person takes flight and so does your business
This is a sieving business. Your job is to sieve through the multitude of chickens to find your eagles.
Unfortunately, Eagles are not found. They are not groomed. They simply emerge.
10 Characteristics of chickens.. Check yourself now.
1. They make excuses with reckless abandon. It is always the wrong day, the wrong time, venue is too far, the time for training is too late, etc.
2. They play the blame game so well, blaming the upline, the company, the economy, the downlines, the products, the exchange rate, the time of meetings, but they never blame themselves.
3. They look forward to becoming millionaires in 45 minutes without raising a finger.
4. They don't attend meetings or they spend their time at meetings socializing or chatting on whatsapp.
5. They don't invite prospects to meetings and hope to become rich.
6. They don't contribute to the group chat, they don't even read the chats and hope to be abreast with things in the business.
7. They keep asking the upline to sign people under them. They always ask for favours.
8. They don't take charge of their business. Their upline must always do the business for them. They always give up eventually.
9. They don't read about the business and as such cannot defend the profession of network marketing.
10. They are mentally and physically lazy in issues concerning the business.
Characteristics of Eagles. Check yourself now too.
1. Excuse is not a word they are familiar with. They neither make excuses for themselves nor accept excuses from their team mates.
2. They hold themselves responsible. They don't blame any circumstances or persons. The blame themselves if need be and pick themselves up and forge ahead.
3. They are in the business for the long haul. They know it is not a get rich quick scheme. They are patient enough to build a system that pays them for life. They are ready to put in 4 years from the word go.
4. They attend every meeting without let up and concentrate while at it.
5. They know invitation is the key to success so the invite over and over and over again.
6. They contribute to the health of the chat group as it is a source of information and motivation.
7. They are not interested in the upline fixing people under them. They realize that to be a successful upline, you must first be a successful downline.
8. They take charge of their business. They understand the business is theirs to build and they work it out with zeal and determination.
9. They read a lot. They realize that their level of success equals their level of skill multiplied by their level of action. They learn and take action on what they learned.
10. Laziness is not a word they are familiar with. They are prepared to subject their thoughts to such depths as to create financial freedom.
*Are you a Chiken or an Eagle.*😷😐
Place yourself on a scale right now!
The first step to making positive change is identifying your problem and accepting it.
So my people have you stepped on the scale, what have you been so far, Eagle or Chicken?
It doesn’t surprise me that your sister-in-law says you should be a ‘traditional’ mother and stay home, that Chudi can afford not to have a ‘double income’ family.
People will selectively use ‘tradition’ to justify anything. Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because in pre-colonial times, mothers farmed and traded. And then please ignore her; there are more important things to think about.
Did I ever tell you about going to a US mall with a seven-year-old Nigerian girl and her mother? She saw a toy helicopter, one of those things that fly by wireless remote control, and she was fascinated and asked for one. “No,” her mother said. “You have your dolls.” And she responded, “Mummy, is it only doll I will play with?”
I have never forgotten that. Her mother meant well, obviously. She was well-versed in the ideas of gender roles – that girls play with dolls and boys with cars. I wonder now, wistfully, if the little girl would have turned out to be a revolutionary engineer, had she been given a chance to explore that helicopter.
Here are some examples of Feminism Lite:
A woman should be ambitious, but not too much. A woman can be successful but she should also do her domestic duties and cook for her husband. A woman should have her own but she should not forget her true role as home keeper. Of course a woman should have a job but the man is still head of the family.
Feminism Lite uses the language of ‘allowing.’ Theresa May is the British Prime Minister and here is how a progressive British newspaper described her husband: ‘Philip May is known in politics as a man who has taken a back seat and allowed his wife, Theresa, to shine.’
Now let us reverse it. Theresa May has allowed her husband to shine. Does it make sense? If Philip May were Prime Minister, perhaps we might hear that his wife has ‘supported’ him from the background, or that she is ‘behind’ him, but we would never hear that she had ‘allowed’ him to shine.
Allow is a troubling word. Allow is about power. Members of the society of Feminism Lite will often say, “Leave the woman alone to do what she wants as long as her husband allows.”
A husband is not a headmaster. A wife is not a schoolgirl. Permission and being allowed, when used one sided – and it is nearly only used that way – should never be the language of an equal marriage.
Another egregious example of Feminism Lite: men who say ‘Of course a wife does not always have to do the domestic work, I did domestic work when my wife travelled.’
Like Ikenga who once said ‘even though the general idea is that my father is in charge at our home, it’s my mother who is really in charge behind the scenes.’ He thought he was refuting sexism, but he was making my case. Why ‘behind the scenes?’ If a woman has power then why do we need to disguise that she has power?
But here is a sad truth – our world is full of men and women who do not like powerful women. We have been so conditioned to think of power as male, that a powerful woman is an aberration. And so she is policed. We ask of powerful women – is she humble? Does she smile? Is she grateful enough? Does she have a domestic side? We judge powerful women more harshly than we judge powerful men. And Feminism Lite enables this.
5. Fifth Suggestion: Teach Chizalum to read. Teach her to love books. The best way is by casual example. If she sees you reading, she will understand that reading is valuable. If she were not to go to school, and merely just read books, she would arguably become more knowledgeable than a conventionally educated child. Books will help her understand and question the world, help her express herself, and help her in whatever she wants to become – a chef, a scientist, a singer all benefit from the skills that reading brings. I do not mean school books. I mean books that have nothing to do with school, autobiographies and novels and histories. If all else fails, pay her to read. Reward her. I know of this incredible Nigerian woman who was raising her child in the US; her child did not take to reading so she decided to pay her 5 cents per page. An expensive endeavor, she later joked, but a worthy investment.
Teach her to question men who can have empathy for women only if they see them as relational rather than as individual equal humans. Men who, when discussing rape, will always say something like ‘if it were my daughter or wife or sister.’ Yet such men do not need to imagine a male victim of crime ‘as a brother or son’ in order to feel empathy. Teach her, too, to question the idea of women as a special species. The American House Speaker Paul Ryan who was recently reacting to the Republican presidential nominee’s boast about assaulting women, said, “Women are to be championed and revered, not objectified.”
Tell Chizalum that women actually don’t need to be championed and revered; they just need to be treated as equal human beings. There is a patronizing undertone to the idea of women needing to be ‘championed and revered’ because they are women. It makes me think of chivalry, and the premise of chivalry is female weakness.
Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States. On her Twitter account, the first descriptor is ‘Wife.’ The first descriptor on her husband Bill Clinton’s Twitter account is not ‘Husband.’ (Because of this, I have an unreasonable respect for the very few men who use ‘husband’ as their first descriptor)
My sense is that this is not a reflection on Hillary Clinton personally but on the world in which we live, a world that still largely values a woman’s marital and maternal roles more than anything else.
I remember how some members of the Society of Ill-Willed Nigerian Commenters insisted on calling me Mrs. Husband’s Name even after I had made clear that it was not my name. Many more women than men did this, by the way. And there was a smoldering hostility from women in particular. I wondered about that, and thought that perhaps for many of them, my choice represented a challenge to their largely-unquestioned idea of what is the norm. Even some friends made statements like ‘you are successful and so it is okay to keep your name.’
Which made me wonder – why does a woman have to be successful at work in order to justify keeping her name?
So instead of teaching Chizalum to be likeable, teach her to be honest. And kind.
And brave. Encourage her to speak her mind, to say what she really thinks, to speak truthfully. And then praise her when she does. Praise her especially when she takes a stand that is difficult or unpopular because it happens to be her honest position. Tell her that kindness matters. Praise her when she is kind to other people. But teach her that her kindness must never be taken for granted. Tell her that she too deserves the kindness of others. Teach her to stand for what is hers. If another child takes her toy without her permission, ask her to take it back. Tell her that if anything ever makes her uncomfortable, to speak up, to say, to shout.
Here’s this bit from the New York Times, about a security agent who was there on the night that gunshots were fired at the White House.
So with her hair, I suggest that you redefine ‘neat.’ Part of the reason that hair is about pain for so many girls is that adults are determined to conform to a version of ‘neat’ that means Too Tight and Scalp-Destroying and Headache-Infusing.
We need to stop. I’ve seen girls in school in Nigeria being terribly harassed for their hair not being ‘neat,’ merely because some of their God-given hair had curled up in glorious tight little balls at their temples. Make Chizalum’s hair loose. And make that your definition of neat. Go to her school and talk to the administration if you have to. It takes one person to make change happen. Also, her hair doesn’t have to ‘last’ – another reason we give for painful hairstyles. I suggest that you make loose plaits and big cornrows and don’t use a tiny-teethed comb that wasn’t made with our hair texture in mind.
I’m writing this assuming she is heterosexual – she might not be, obviously. But I am assuming that because it is what I feel best equipped to talk about.
Make sure you are aware of the romance in her life. And the only way you can do that is to start very early to give her the language with which to talk to you. I don’t mean you should be her ‘friend,’ I mean you should be her mother to whom she can talk about everything.
You like palm oil but some people don’t like palm oil – you say to her.
Why – she says to you.
I don’t know. It’s just the way the world is – you say to her.
With love, oyi gi,