I once dated a guy, Let's call him *Deji. Deji was this tall, buff, hunk of a man. The kind that made heads turn and made girls swoon. Dating him was me constantly swatting girls off like mosquitoes whining in my ears. Deji was one of the nicest people I knew, very generous, and very skillful too. LOL. But there were some things I could not make sense of. I recall the first incident. He went out that day and came back unusually late with no good explanation for where he had been. At some minutes to midnight his phone rang. I gave him the evil eye; "who's that bi*ch calling at this time of the night" but he immediately assured me that it was a guy. However the conversation that ensued made me just as uncomfortable as it would if it were a girl. In a low tone, the type usually reserved for the ladies he said "hey, guy, what's up?" ..... "Yeah it was nice seeing you again"......."me too, I've missed you too"...... "Seriously, I have"......."ok. We'll see soon"......."me too, I can't wait to see you, ok. Goodnight." By this time every vestige of sleep had cleared from my eyes. I sat up, dumbfounded. "Who was that?" "My friend nau. My guy". He said "please why are you telling a guy you miss him and you can't wait to see him" I wanted to know, to understand. "Babe why are you
making a big deal out of it. What's wrong in telling my friend I miss him? Don't you women do it all the time? You people hug and peck each other and say all those things and its ok. But when I do the same thing you start asking me questions. " he dismissed the conversation and walked away before I could ask what I really wanted to know, the one that was at the tip of my tongue, screaming to be let out, "Nigga, you gay???" .
I let that one slide. Subsequently there were other incidents that made me raise my brows. Soon, i found myself seriously questioning his sexuality. I just wasn't sure what to think. He was a chronic womanizer, he obviously liked girls and during the relationship, if you can call it that, we were constantly fighting because he kept looking at other girls bums when we were out together (Blaady Phoooool!). But then, there were similar phone calls with his "guys". A number of times he would wear something new and expensive and when I asked where it came from the answer always was "one of my guys bought it for me". I particularly remember one Tissot wristwatch I saw him wear one day, it was brand new and just looking at it I knew it could buy a small plot of land in my village. Again I asked, where did this come from. His reply. "My friend travelled. He bought it for me", and then just like a movie his phone rang. It was his benevolent friend. He thanked him and assured him that he did like the gift. Seriously, he seemed to have some ridiculously generous friends. Those phone calls and the expensive gifts convinced me that I was dating a bisexual man. Eventually the relationship ended and we went our separate ways. I never got to ask him, but I knew.
I remember a former colleague who had been dating her boo for six years, they got engaged and a few weeks to the wedding she saw a text on his phone. She thought it was from a girl and all hell was about to be let loose but when she saw who the sender was, shock momentarily paralyzed her. It was none other than her boo's supposed best friend! The guy that she ran to when she had problems with her man, the guy that sometimes played mediator, a guy that she had tried hooking up a couple if her friends with. The whole thought of her fiancé in a sexual/romantic relationship with this guy seemed unimaginable. But after confronting him, she found out that they were indeed lovers. Now here's the strange part.
I found her crying in the toilet that day and my first instinct was to pretend I didn't notice (I had my own issues to deal with) but its not in my nature to be so unfeeling so I asked. Honestly I thought it was something like her wedding dress wasn't ready or the caterers had cancelled on them or one of the usual pre-wedding issues but what she told me shocked me. So I asked her if the wedding would be called off and then a fresh stream of tears fell from her eyes. "I don't think I can. Six years of my life, how do I just throw that away. I can't cancel the wedding, its next week. Where will I even begin if I break up with him? He's the only man I've ever dated, I won't know what to do. Where will I start from? And I don't even want to, he's my best friend, he's a good man, he respects me, he has never cheated on me, he's a good man Nwando, should I end it just because of what I found out? What if i didn't find out? Besides he was very remorseful, he said they had decided to stop once we get married." She was no longer crying. It seemed in trying to convince me, she had convinced herself. She pulled herself together, her mind was obviously made up. The wedding was splendid. They both looked so adorable, constantly giggling, touching and whispering into each others ears. They looked so in love and watching them each try to outdo the other on the dance floor, one would never have guessed.
Of course if she had asked for my advice I would have told her to call it off. But let me, let us put ourselves in her shoes. They'd been together for six years, he was a good man, a good lover, a provider, he made her happy, he was faithful, albeit questionably, he had a good job, he respected her, he loved her. When I think about it I wonder if in her shoes I would have left, after all even when I suspected Deji was loving his fellow men I didn't exactly run out the door and ask him to lose my number. I honestly wonder what I would do in those shoes, let's wonder together, what would you do?