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HELP! He loves me. He loves HIM too


I once dated a guy, Let's call him *Deji. Deji was this tall, buff, hunk of a man. The kind that made heads turn and made girls swoon. Dating him was me constantly swatting girls off like mosquitoes whining in my ears. Deji was one of the nicest people I knew, very generous, and very skillful too. LOL. But there were some things I could not make sense of. I recall the first incident. He went out that day and came back unusually late with no good explanation for where he had been. At some minutes to midnight his phone rang. I gave him the evil eye; "who's that bi*ch calling at this time of the night" but he immediately assured me that it was a guy. However the conversation that ensued made me just as uncomfortable as it would if it were a girl. In a low tone, the type usually reserved for the ladies he said "hey, guy, what's up?" ..... "Yeah it was nice seeing you again"......."me too, I've missed you too"...... "Seriously, I have"......."ok. We'll see soon"......."me too, I can't wait to see you, ok. Goodnight." By this time every vestige of sleep had cleared from my eyes. I sat up, dumbfounded. "Who was that?" "My friend nau. My guy". He said "please why are you telling a guy you miss him and you can't wait to see him" I wanted to know, to understand. "Babe why are you 
making a big deal out of it. What's wrong in telling my friend I miss him? Don't you women do it all the time? You people hug and peck each other and say all those things and its ok. But when I do the same thing you start asking me questions. " he dismissed the conversation and walked away before I could ask what I really wanted to know, the one that was at the tip of my tongue, screaming to be let out, "Nigga, you gay???" .

       I let that one slide. Subsequently there were other incidents that made me raise my brows. Soon, i found myself seriously questioning his sexuality. I just wasn't sure what to think. He was a chronic womanizer, he obviously liked girls and during the relationship, if you can call it that, we were constantly fighting because he kept looking at other girls bums when we were out together (Blaady Phoooool!). But then, there were similar phone calls with his "guys". A number of times he would wear something new and expensive and when I asked where it came from the answer always was "one of my guys bought it for me". I particularly remember one Tissot wristwatch I saw him wear one day, it was brand new and just looking at it I knew it could buy a small plot of land in my village. Again I asked, where did this come from. His reply. "My friend travelled. He bought it for me", and then just like a movie his phone rang. It was his benevolent friend. He thanked him and assured him that he did like the gift. Seriously, he seemed to have some ridiculously generous friends. Those phone calls and the expensive gifts convinced me that I was dating a bisexual man. Eventually the relationship ended and we went our separate ways. I never got to ask him, but I knew. 
        I remember a former colleague who had been dating her boo for six years, they got engaged and a few weeks to the wedding she saw a text on his phone. She thought it was from a girl and all hell was about to be let loose but when she saw who the sender was, shock momentarily paralyzed her. It was none other than her boo's supposed best friend! The guy that she ran to when she had problems with her man, the guy that sometimes played mediator, a guy that she had tried hooking up a couple if her friends with. The whole thought of her fiancé in a sexual/romantic relationship with this guy seemed unimaginable. But after confronting him, she found out that they were indeed lovers. Now here's the strange part.
        I found her crying in the toilet that day and my first instinct was to pretend I didn't notice (I had my own issues to deal with) but its not in my nature to be so unfeeling so I asked. Honestly I thought it was something like her wedding dress wasn't ready or the caterers had cancelled on them or one of the usual pre-wedding issues but what she told me shocked me. So I asked her if the wedding would be called off and then a fresh stream of tears fell from her eyes. "I don't think I can. Six years of my life, how do I just throw that away. I can't cancel the wedding, its next week. Where will I even begin if I break up with him? He's the only man I've ever dated, I won't know what to do. Where will I start from? And I don't even want to, he's my best friend, he's a good man, he respects me, he has never cheated on me, he's a good man Nwando, should I end it just because of what I found out? What if i didn't find out? Besides he was very remorseful, he said they had decided to stop once we get married." She was no longer crying. It seemed in trying to convince me, she had convinced herself. She pulled herself together, her mind was obviously made up. The wedding was splendid. They both looked so adorable, constantly giggling, touching and whispering into each others ears. They looked so in love and watching them each try to outdo the other on the dance floor, one would never have guessed. 
        Of course if she had asked for my advice I would have told her to call it off. But let me, let us put ourselves in her shoes. They'd been together for six years, he was a good man, a good lover, a provider, he made her happy, he was faithful, albeit questionably, he had a good job, he respected her, he loved her. When I think about it I wonder if in her shoes I would have left, after all even when I suspected Deji was loving his fellow men I didn't exactly run out the door and ask him to lose my number. I honestly wonder what I would do in those shoes, let's wonder together, what would you do?


Comments

  1. "he was faithful" "he said they had decided to stop once we get married"

    How is he faithful again?

    Keke

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ Keke I guess cheating with someone of the same sex isn't really cheating, from their point view.

      Delete
  2. lol@keke.....but on a serious note,i totally understand her not calling off the wedding...if i were in her shoes i probably would do the same...there was so much at stake plus people have married worse...it however woulda been a mistake cos even if he said he would stop,i don't think he can.its who he is.....so he would just become more careful so she doesn't catch him again....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sad story...bt my dear anything u can't tolerate during courtship u'll definitely not take during marriage. The mistake we ladies make is giving excuses for our men. Marriage doesn't change a man, its jst d grace of God. I understand the lady's plight...bt we should always remember that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. JUst imagine what he said, that "they ve decided to stop once he gets married". Its so obvious who calls d shots here..certainly not d lady. Yes, its every woman's dream to have a family one day...bt its soo unfortunate that society pushes us to make d wrong decisions due to pressures from all sides. Remember.."Not everyone who is single is Lonely, and not everyone who is married is in Love"... jst my 2cents...cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think if we look at things from an objective point to view we'll accept that there's never a perfect situation. I think there are worse things in a marriage, I understand her going ahead with it. you can never tell, if she called it off and went ahead to marry someone else the guy could be a serial cheat or an abusive husband.

      Delete
    2. So it's better to marry a bisexual man that to take your chances and call off the wedding. This same girl will be writing a dear aunty my husband has refused to stop seeing his gay lover letter in a few months years smh my heart weeps for her anyway I don't blame her I blame this society that has placed marriage on a pedestal and a woman married to a bisexual man is considered better off than a single woman with a doctorate degree

      Delete
  4. I'm sure she was not so naive to believe that her husband would actually stop sleeping with his friend even after the wedding. if anything that's when it will get worse

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you very much Anon 4:56pm. I want to believe that we believe in God so I'll say this, God always gives us signs before we enter into a marriage, good or bad. These signs give us a little glimpse of what married life with this person will be like, if your partner beat you when you were just dating, they'll beat you after marriage. There's no miracle that happens at the altar that will magically transform your spouse into an angel. They might just suppress it for a while cos of the novelty of the marriage but it will always come out except the Grace has changed this person.
    Now to the matter at hand, most of us seem to forget the depth of infidelity, if you remember the only grounds Jesus gave for divorce is infidelity or sexual sin or adultery. That's how grave the act is, and he was even talking about sex between male and female, the sin of homosexuality is another matter entirely! That's the same sin the made God destroy sodom in the bible, He can't stand it. Many people are not married in His eyes because once you have sex outside your marriage you've broken that covenant with your spouse. In heaven you're no longer married. You married in the presence of God, not a lawyer or judge so it's not up to them to divorce you . My advise would have been for her to break up with him and not marry but we're under so much pressure in naija to get married that most of us make silly mistakes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hmm my people I cant really castigate this lady.I hv been in a relationship for bout a year where the dude was apparently tired,caught him wv some skank from caliente (one of their "promoters") in a hotel right bside d house,we made up d next weekend ,scratch that I made up wv him d next weekend. After dt I got knocked up (nah dont judge) n he broke up wv me same day I told him cuz "I gv him food late on weekends around 2pm n Im dnt clean up after him(a way of life im trying to make a habit) and I miss church almost wvery sunday.Its been 2 months n guess what I still think bout him everyday n sometimes call...bite me. With time ill get over him,till then ill live everyday as it comes with a smile and looking all hawt and pretty.Same routine work,home,salon,church.But giving myself in totality to anyone is going to require somesome.So I choose not to judge cuz I know that its only d wearer that knows where the shoe pinches.To the Mrs I say Jer29:11-Gods promise n his debt to you.He cant crea8 us and leave us hanging He must show us the how n order our steps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had to LOL at "we made up the next weekend, scratch that I made up with him". There's always that one person who has our "mugu" button.

      Delete
  7. I am born again
    Her husband is going to hell
    How is that for watching for his soul?
    All she wants is the ring and he's the ring bearer
    She doesn't care if he is headed for hell or not
    smh smh smh

    ReplyDelete
  8. Please lord every gay/bisexual guy coming in form of a boyfriend miss road by fire!

    I can't deal biko

    ReplyDelete

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