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Broken Smiles (When Lord?)


After a typical Friday night on the island, I wake up and it's almost noon on Saturday. I try to sit up but a force stronger than I am pushes me back. Nauseous I realize I'm hung over. I sink deeper under my duvet and into my bed. Under my breath I curse Dayo who insisted I go out, who complained that i needed to live a little, who made sure that my glass remained full all night. Covering my head, my mind begins to wander, as usual. I bring it back to reality and reach for my phone. I wince as the light from the screen assaults my eyes. I brave it and check my messages, and then, the next best thing, updates. They're the only way we know what's going on in each others lives these days, no? The first one catches my eye, HML..., I enlarge it and look at the DP too, the perfectly done bridal makeup wins my admiration. I grin as I see bride and groom smile lovingly at each other. I move on, another HML. Again, I enlarge, again I look, again I admire, again I grin. On and on it goes. All the wide smiles and laughter in the pictures and HMLs suddenly begin to give me a headache. Or is it the hangover? I shut my eyes tightly, trying to block all thoughts out, hoping to get some more sleep. Then my phone rings. I almost scream. 

       I look at the screen and its a dear friend. Of course I have to take her call, few minutes into the call she says, "guess what, today is Linda's wedding" I smile and go "aawwww". "And Amara put to bed yesterday, she had twin boys" she adds, I feel a tug and my heart and I smile, genuinely pleased, and let out a double syllabic "aaaaaaawwwwwww, eeyyyaaa. God is good". She agrees. We chat a little about this and that, then she says "I spoke to Samantha yesterday, she said Chinwe just got a job with Chevron, her salary is insane" . "Hmmm, nawa o! Nice one" I say, fantasizing about working in Chevron. We gist about random stuff and she's about to hang up, to my relief, but first she says, "yeah I forgot to tell you, I was on Facebook yesterday, Sola just got engaged to that her long time boyfriend" at this point my mouth is tired. I smile but of course she can't hear me smile. She didn't get the usual aaawww. So she becomes quiet, she thinks maybe its getting to me. I try to decide if to tell her I'm just tired, it's not that i'm out of "aaawwwws", its just that I'm exhausted. both physically and emotionally. But won't it be easier to just "Aaawwww" away? I don't want her to think she hit a nerve, or I'm bitter, or getting jealous. But suddenly a fury I neither understand nor planned for takes over me. I abruptly tell her I have to go. It seems she has to go too anyways, I can hear her baby whine in the background. Fuck it! I don't care if she thinks I'm bitter/sad/jealous. She should know better. What am I supposed to do with all this news? She's at home,cuddling with hubby while baby coos gently in her pram, and calls me to remind me that everyone is getting ahead in life except me? To hell with it. There's a throbbing in my head and I suddenly feel like I'm going to scream, again.  
       Masochistic me, I pick my phone again, I scroll through updates to see the pictures I didn't get to see. Another HML. Again I enlarge, she was my classmate in secondary school. I chuckle as I remember chubby sixteen year old her, with the scattered hair and rumpled uniform and dusty feet. I smile at the memory, she's so different now. So.......grown. I scroll up, let me see what's going on, after all there's bound to be other stuff going on today besides weddings. Guess I was wrong, it seems that all that's happening. Finally, with glee I see something other than HML, the PM reads "congrats on your baby girl" hmmm. I enlarge the DP and I see it, we were classmates in uni. I begin to smile but half way through tears slip from my eyes and my smile is broken. No, I must smile, I'm supposed to smile. I ought to be happy for her....... I must be happy for her.  I try to force out a smile but my throat makes a funny sound like I just swallowed a canary, Immediately the dam breaks and the waterfall that is my eyes is let loose. I shut my eyes tightly, yet the tears flow freely. "When lord?" I ask. 

Comments

  1. I lol'd at the inscription in the pix but reading this I can totally relate and my answer to ur ending Q is "...at His time!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. He makes everything beautiful in His time.....Just trust Him completely...

    ReplyDelete
  3. My dear all in due time...the lord we serve has that 1 person 4. Us. All its jes left for us 2 reach out n grab it...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can totally relate to this. It is well... what more can I say?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Its is well my darling. all in good time.

    ReplyDelete
  6. God does not forget his own. just continue to live your life and be happy.

    ReplyDelete

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