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Disclosure In Relationships; How Much Is Too Much?



Some time last month my friends and I had a round table discussion. One of us was getting married the coming week and we did what women usually do when they gather. This is one of the things that inspired my new series; Single Ladies Round Table. In a span of two hours there was hardly a topic we didn't touch on. We weren't all close friends, I had not seen two of the ladies in eleven years, the other two I had only seen about three times in eleven years. But at that moment, on that table, we became united in one thing; the quest to make sense of men, love and sex. There was an issue that raised its head and that's what I want to talk about this morning.
Is full disclosure advisable? 
      My take was that IT IS NOT! And I still maintain that position. My friend who got married the next week, and who, judging by the manner in which she spoke, paid very close attention to all that was taught in marriage class insisted that IT IS.
      Now my argument was this; There are certain things that your partner need not know. I have been adviced by older married women, in their 40s and 50s, never to tell a man everything about me, they will only use it against you one day. My friend, the bride, *Amaka, argued that from the moment you guys get married, you become one, thus there should be no secrets whatsoever between you two. Everything that happened in the past and everything presently happening should be discussed.
       I insisted that if you choose to discuss stuff that's currently happening during the relationship/marriage that's very fine. But things that happened before you two met.... You don't have to tell him all of it. Amaka insisted he should know. 
      So I asked, must you tell a man you're dating/about to marry/married to everything? For instance, does he have to know how many guys you slept with in the past? It's ok for ladies that have had one or two lovers but if you've slept with 20, 30, or uncountable men, would you really tell him this? Do you really believe that it would not change the way he sees you? Amaka insists he should know all of it. He's your husband. He has a right to know. 
      I asked, If you had several abortions in the past, say four or five, do you tell him and tell him how many. Amaka said yes! 
     *Sandy, who's a doctor said hmmm, the abortion one should be discussed o! She said they've seen several cases in hospitals where the woman could not get pregnant because of past abortions and when it's revealed to a husband (who never heard about these abortions, there's "trouble in paradise"). I understand, but.....
     I pointed out, you and your siblings, born of the same parents love each other so much, more than life even, yet it's not necessarily everything you tell them, your own blood. Also you two occasionally have quarrels, naturally. There are times that you might even feel like you hate each other. How much more someone that you formerly did not know from Adam. There are bound to be rough patches. Do you really believe that he should know EVERYTHING??
     This argument went on and on and on. Besides the sex and abortion issue, we also questioned if he should know everything about your finances and assets. ( they all said yes. My take is "it depends".)
     Yesterday my friend called me. Her fiancé asked how many men she's slept with. She told him three. That's not true. She worries the truth would have scared him off. I didn't know what to tell her. Personally I never tell. Be it 1, 10 or 100. It's not your business. I don't ask either, because honestly, it does not make much difference to me.
      My take on the "Full Disclosure Policy" is, as long as it does not put the other person in harm's way, then you're entitled to keep it to yourself if you think you should. 

      There are however some things I believe MUST be disclosed. 


This lady above had cosmetic surgery before she got married and did not deem it fit to disclose this to her husband who eventually found out and sued her for it. I'm 100% percent in support of suing her! That's gross misrepresentation.
      Also, if you fall into the category of those who do not have sex before marriage, and you wear padded bras, fake butts and hips, please, let him know this too before you guys get to that bridge. 
      And men, if you know you're challenged in the penis department, be it in size, performance or what have you, Disclose this to your intended Mrs!
      Medical History including STIs, Genotype, Chronic or Genetic diseases is something that must be FULLY DISCLOSED. It is imperative. If you guys end up together, your life and that of your children could depend on whether you have shared such crucial information.

      What are your thoughts on full disclosure. Also, do you think my friend should come clean about her numerous past sex partners ?

Comments

  1. Thelma dear,u r alwaz on point...ur tots are exactly as mine...it depends on d kind of man involved.99% of guys dis days are not mature.they can't just handle d truth..so,instead of lieing,I'd rather keep it to myself..xpecially if it something that happened before we met!

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  2. You women like to keep secrets but you want to know everything. who's fooling who?

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  3. Hmmmm I belive there are somethings you must keep to yourself...cos one day dt tin wud slap u in d face...wht u don't know wuldnt hurt u..soooo somethings are better left unsaid..Gbammmmmm

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  4. i am married and you guys have to trust me on this one......DO NOT TELL YOUR HUBBY/BF EVERYTHING.....you will be surprised how they will one day use it against you....he will not disclose everything about himself to you don't delude yourself....the butterflies in your tummy that are telling you that you are in love and making you feel all mushy and want to tell him all should be ignored....men are very funny creatures....keep your own let me keep my own...like Thelma said if it didn't happen in the relationship e no"consign"you....even some things that happen during the relationship sef no consign you!!!

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  5. I don't believe in disclosing everything in a relationship because men are funny beings. They will use that against you. But, there are some things you should disclose such as comestic surgery, but, you should never discuss your exes. Once I did that, and there was 'katatata' (the dude used that against me). I know from experience, trust me!!!

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  6. As an adult there are things you should keep to yourself,its common sense esp when they have no effect on your present relationship eg the number of sex partners......

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  7. Hmmm.... This is a very dicey topic. I won't lie that I've been guilty of judging a girl that told me that she used to sleep with different guys every weekend cos she had to leave school every weekend to chill in lag and any guy that was ready to accommodate her had sex with her. While she was telling me I was thinking there's no way I could get serious with her but I fell for her and forgot her past, almost. I always got upset when I saw her flirting with other guys and I actually told her that I wish she hadn't told me about her past. My take is, if you have decided to change completely then telling your partner about past promiscuity is detrimental to your relationship.
    That said, lemme ask this.... If you had issues in school and didn't graduate but your now running your own biz and doing very well, don't you think you should tell your partner that you never graduated from university before you guys get too serious?

    ReplyDelete

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