I said I'll do this on Thursdays but I've come to realize and accept that my mind has a mind of its own... Bear with me please.
Tonia and Bisi exchanged contacts after the last hang out and bonded over the secret they shared. Pastor Chioma, their general overseer, who seemingly had the perfect life, perfect children, perfect husband, didn't have it all after all. It was strange because you could have sworn she did. Her husband was always there in church, in the front pew. Supporting his wife and doting on her like the perfect loving husband.
Location; Ocean Basket, Tiamiyu Savage, Victoria Island, Lagos.
Location; Ocean Basket, Tiamiyu Savage, Victoria Island, Lagos.
TONIA: I told Chika we're hanging out, she'll join us soon.. Have you spoken to Sola? Have you asked her about her "boyfriend"?
BISI : I tried to, but she's been busy. She got back from Dubai yesterday, she's on her way here now.
TONIA : But that man is married to a woman of God. Doesn't he fear God?
BISI : Hmmm, what's ironic is that the woman of God is constantly preaching about how to have a good marriage and fixing other people's marriages while her own has cracks.
TONIA : That's life... But you need to talk to Sola o!
SOLA: (walking in on them) Talk to Sola about what? (She asks suspiciously)
BISI : Hey! Sweetheart, how was Dubai ?
ZAINAB : She just asked you something. You claim to be her friend but you sit here gossiping about her. Nawa o!
BISI : Sola, really, this your friend has no manners. Anyways sit down first, let's order. We've been waiting for you guys.
BISI signals the waiter and asks for the menus, she is still as broke as she was last weekend but Sola would take care of things, as usual. Chika joins them at that point and pleasantries are exchanged.
CHIKA : So what's good people? What's the 411?
SOLA : We just got here but apparently, they were talking about me. So ladies, tell Sola what?
TONIA : How's your boyfriend? The one who came to pick you up last week..
SOLA : He's fine. Why do you ask?
BISI : Babe, you know he's married right?
SOLA : Fuck yeah he's married. Isn't that the idea?
Tonia looks at her disapprovingly
CHIKA : Really? That's the idea? Behind what exactly?
SOLA : Look, I have no time to waste on broke single men. I need a man that can take care of me and my bills. Of course I know he's married. And please don't bother wasting your time giving me a lecture.
BISI : Boo, here's the thing, it's not just that he's married, it's who he's married to. She...
SOLA: I don't care who or what he's married to
BISI: Well maybe you should. she's a pastor. And not just any pastor but the general overseer of our church. She...
ZAINAB : So what if she's a pastor? Allow us to hear word please. The minute you stop worshipping your pastors the better for you. Are aren't they human?
TONIA : (ignoring Zainab) Sola, she takes marriage matters very seriously. Just this morning after service she asked all married women to wait behind for more prayers. One of the prayer points was that God should send his arrow of destruction to any strange woman in their husbands' lives. She rained down curses upon any woman who as much as looks at their husbands with lust. She...
ZAINAB : Oh please. (Yawns). She couldn't pray for God to give her a husband who doesn't have a wandering dick abi?
SOLA : (laughs) God is merciful, they shouldn't waste their time. I'm only helping her out with her duties, I even keep him in check for her; I make sure there's only one of me, as opposed to him having girlfriends everywhere. When she pisses him off, which she does often by the way, it's me who gives him massages along with some good sexing that calms his nerves, and sends him back to her happy, refreshed and smiling. Hell! I'm saving her marriage for her. She ought to be praying for me and not raining ineffectual curses.
CHIKA : Wow! I've never heard it put that way. Do you actually believe that? I'm not being sarcastic, merely curious.
ZAINAB : Of course! I know Sola, she keeps him in check. It's just her and the Mrs.
SOLA: Besides he came after me on his own. I never asked him to. So she should point her Robin Hood arrows in the right direction jor. And, he's one of my biggest pay-masters right now. The Dubai trip was on him. Five star all the way baby!. Plus he's getting me a new ride next month. Why would I want to give that up?
TONIA: Bisi your friend is living large on our tithe and offering money o! Classic case of monkey dey work, baboon dey chop!
SOLA: (cackling) did you think its God that spends the money? E ma binu ore mi, It's your fellow humans and I have a good share of the cake.
TONIA: Ok o! It is well. (Turning to Chika) So madam what's up? How's Mr Man?
CHIKA: Just there jare. I'm still thinking.
BISI: Chika, my bf has this friend who's single and doing very well. I could introduce you two, you guys would really get along and you're just his type. He's Ibo too and likes yellow babes like you.(giggling)
ZAINAB: That your boyfriend of eight years that still hasn't proposed? Chika you better put your shoes on your head and run!
CHIKA: (laughing) Don't mind her Bisi. Ehen let's talk. So what does this guy do? Where does he stay? I hope he's fine o!
BISI: Ah! He is foiiinnne! He works with an accounting firm and is doing really well for himself. He stays on the mainland, in....
CHIKA: hmmmm. Nah babe, it won't work out.
TONIA: Why? You haven't even met him yet...
SOLA: let me guess, mainland abi?
CHIKA: (nods slowly). Bisi please don't get me wrong but, me in VGC and him on the mainland, that might as well be a long distance relationship. Besides, I'm just not too keen on the whole mainland thing.
BISI: Jesu Kristi! Did I just hear right? You don't even want to meet him just because he lives on the mainland? Are you listening to yourself? I live on the mainland and there's nothing wrong in it. As does your colleague here and you guys seem to get along just fine. But obviously you think you're better just because you live on the island.
ZAINAB : Well, she is. Swear that you won't rather live on the island. All you mainland people amuse me. You keep on saying there's no big deal, yet, when you want to see movies, it's our cinemas you come to, you want to go clubbing, you come to our clubs, you want pizza you come to the island for pizza, when you manage to get an invite to a boat cruise, it's still this same island you come to. And just look at both of you, as if that's not bad enough, you live on the mainland and you come to church on the island. Aren't there churches on the mainland? Haba! And you blame Chika? You people should stay on the mainland and stop crowding our space abeg.
BISI : (getting up) I already said there's something wrong with this girl. I didn't come here to be insulted. I've had enough.
SOLA: Calm down babe. Please ignore Zainab, she has no filters. Don't leave ok? See, don't take it personal. You can't blame Chika, I understand what she's saying.
CHIKA: Look, I only aspire to greater things. Yes I may come across as shallow but I need to be sure that my partner is even more comfortable than I am. I need to be sure that he's very ambitious and on the right track to success.
TONIA: Chika I can't believe you're saying this? So if a guy lives on the mainland he is a failure and unambitious? He does not aspire to great things? What do you even think the mainland is, a jungle? I just don't get it. Where you not even living in Okota before you moved to VGC? (Sounding indignant and confused)
CHIKA: Exactly. I lived there, but I've moved on and moved up. So you can understand why I don't need anyone pulling me down.
BISI: Are you trying to tell me that everyone who lives on the mainland is poor? You talk like its a jungle, like the whole mainland is one big slum. I live in Maryland, and though they're both on the mainland it's not at all like Ajegunle.
ZAINAB: Ajegunle, Maryland, same difference! (laughing hysterically)
SOLA: Seriously Zainab, stop it (trying not to laugh). Look, let's agree to disagree. But the truth is, the island makes sense die! I would rather live in a flat in VI than in a Duplex in Surulere. And that's just the truth of the matter. People who live on the mainland hate to admit it but they would give anything to live here. I can't say I blame Chika, I would rather date someone that lives here. In fact, I even have restrictions, my limit is from to Ikoyi to Phase 1. All them Agungi, Jakande, Igbo-efon, all those ones are quite tricky. Then let's not even talk about ajah or epe; those one living close to Ijebu-Ode and still claiming Island!
(Sola, Zainab and Chika burst into hysterical laughter, Tonia and Bisi watch them, not at all amused. Sola's phone begins to ring, she looks at the caller ID and leaves the table)
TONIA: You guys are entitled to your opinion. Chika you've really surprised me sha.
CHIKA: Aaaww T-baby, I love you, but I'm just keeping it real.
ZAINAB: Yes o! The first step to moving to the island is admitting that it's the place to be
SOLA: (rushes back to the table and grabs her keys) I'll see you girls later. I need to leave now.
BISI: Ha! What's that about? (Her heart skips a beat, who will settle her bill?) Is everything ok? Who just called you? Sit down and eat, your plate is still full.
SOLA: (staring into thin air) It was a call from the lab. I went to run some tests when I got back yesterday...... I really want to puke. I don't know if its 'cause of all this seafood, or because your pastor Chioma is about to be a step-mother.
Again, Tonia and Bisi's mouths hang open. But this time Zainab joins them too. Everyone stares as the very beautiful Sola rubs her flat belly, with a mischievous smile on her lips and an evil glint in her eyes.
To be continued....