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Saturday, 30 November 2013

Question Of The Day. Let's talk!


What are the things you want to do but are afraid of doing, because you know people will judge you?



Friday, 29 November 2013

HELP! He loves me. He loves HIM too


I once dated a guy, Let's call him *Deji. Deji was this tall, buff, hunk of a man. The kind that made heads turn and made girls swoon. Dating him was me constantly swatting girls off like mosquitoes whining in my ears. Deji was one of the nicest people I knew, very generous, and very skillful too. LOL. But there were some things I could not make sense of. I recall the first incident. He went out that day and came back unusually late with no good explanation for where he had been. At some minutes to midnight his phone rang. I gave him the evil eye; "who's that bi*ch calling at this time of the night" but he immediately assured me that it was a guy. However the conversation that ensued made me just as uncomfortable as it would if it were a girl. In a low tone, the type usually reserved for the ladies he said "hey, guy, what's up?" ..... "Yeah it was nice seeing you again"......."me too, I've missed you too"...... "Seriously, I have"......."ok. We'll see soon"......."me too, I can't wait to see you, ok. Goodnight." By this time every vestige of sleep had cleared from my eyes. I sat up, dumbfounded. "Who was that?" "My friend nau. My guy". He said "please why are you telling a guy you miss him and you can't wait to see him" I wanted to know, to understand. "Babe why are you 
making a big deal out of it. What's wrong in telling my friend I miss him? Don't you women do it all the time? You people hug and peck each other and say all those things and its ok. But when I do the same thing you start asking me questions. " he dismissed the conversation and walked away before I could ask what I really wanted to know, the one that was at the tip of my tongue, screaming to be let out, "Nigga, you gay???" .

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Ebony Life. In LUST with THE SPOT.


Hey! So if you've got dstv and you love to watch TV like me, or even if you don't, you must have at least heard of Ebony Life TV. Well in case if you haven't, its Mo Abudu's TV channel that has claimed the spot (pun intended) of channel 165 on DSTV. Mo intends to change the way Africa is viewed by showcasing the posh, sorry, positive side of Nigeria and Africa as a whole. Its targeted at a particular demographic,18-34, but my opinion is that it further targets the (upper)middle class in this demographic.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

COMMENT OF DAY


Speechless. 

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Pieces of Her (Final Episode)

To view previous episodes check OneTwo and Three


The alarm went off as though it had vengeance in mind. It seemed unusually loud that morning. Biola tried to open her eyes but they remained shut. She wanted badly to continue what felt like the best thing in the world at that moment. Sleep. Unfortunately her alarm won't quit. With force she parted her eyelids and immediately, just like it had been waiting for the perfect moment, the marching band in her head began to perform. Biola squinted and reached for her phone to turn off the alarm. It was Monday morning and her entire body felt like there had been a bull fight on it. Her room was cold and dark and she shivered a little. She considered calling in sick but she immediately decided against it. 
      The moment she stepped out of her car, even the security man knew something was wrong. She staggered into the office and walked straight to her seat, no energy or time for pleasantries. At the sight of her Soji rushed to the kitchenette and made her a strong cup of black coffee, a very good idea seeing as Biola had her head on the table and was already dozing off when he got back. He shook her till she was fully awake and alert. "B just how much did you have to drink last night? You look like a right mess, did you forget you had work today?" He asked. Biola gave no response. "I'm really sorry Biola" he then said in a low tone, his voice softening. "It's ok" she said finally. "Everyone has their crosses to carry in this life.......... But for some reason the good Lord gave me one made of lead" she said and laughed mirthlessly. Then suddenly, she began to cry as memories of the previous day flooded her mind.

Monday, 25 November 2013

HELP! I'M NOT HIS TYPE

The drinks flowed freely like water in a Greek fountain. But the liquor, unlike water was top notch. The DJ obviously knew his onions and kept our heads bobbing. The girls.... Hmmm, it was difficult to describe the girls, they came in all shapes and sizes, all heights and complexions, but one thing was indisputable, they were HOT! The party was in full swing and  I could barely stand still. I leaned against the bar, pouring what was left of the Ciroc vodka into our glasses. I was about to signal for another bottle when I saw her walk towards us. My hand hung mid air as I prayed to God, let her be coming to me. Jeez. She was something!

Sunday, 24 November 2013

LAGOS, my city.


If Lagos was man, I won't mind getting on my knees and proposing..........

HEY, HUSBAND-SNATCHER!


Yesterday a very dear friend of mine got married. Classy venue, fantastic food, beautiful guests, a fantastic band and a very funny MC. The MC was one of the few funny ones I've been opportuned to witness. However there was this statement/joke he kept on making. I'll have to paraphrase. "Married women here hold your husbands very tight o! Because all these single girls, you can never tell what they're capable of" and "Wives, there are many single girls here o! May God blind the eyes of any single girl eyeing your husbands". Maybe it's the fact that he kept making this joke over and over again, or the fact that I am indeed single, but at some point I felt like I was going to get up and scream SHUT THE HELL UP.

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Friday, 22 November 2013

Pieces of Her (3)

The rain fell heavily and each drop felt like small rocks slamming against the windshield of her car . Cursing heavily under her breathe she pressed hard on the throttle, not caring if she skidded off the wet road or if she was run over by an oncoming vehicle. She just didn't care. It was after 11pm and the roads were free as she sped from lekki phase one to VGC. She was already in bed when her phone rang. She considered allowing it to ring through but taking a closer look at her phone she saw that the call was from Soji. Soji rarely ever called her this late so her first thought was that she left work without completely discharging her duties. "What did or didn't I do?"she said answering the phone, sounding exhausted. "Madam you've got some real nice manners you know? Where are you by the way?" He asked. "Soji I'm home. What's up? What's this about?" Biola said cutting out the small talk. "B, what's the deal with you and Seyi. If I remember correctly you said you called it off because of Chioma?". 
"Yeah, I had to. I already told you what happened. And I trust Chioma's judgment. Dude what's this all about abeg. I'm sleepy."
"Biola I ran into them at the mall this evening. Chioma and Seyi."

SWEET ENSLAVEMENT


My perilous savior
My friend, my escape, my master.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

DATING GUIDE FOR SINGLE LADIES in the '90s

,

So, I recently stumbled upon a dating guide for single women in the '90s. I'll share them with you guys.

1. Do your dressing in your inner room to keep your allure. Be ready to go when your date arrives, don't keep him waiting, greet him with a smile. 
2. Men don't like girls who borrow their handkerchief and smudge them with lipstick. Makeup in private, don't let him see you. 
3. Don't sit in awkward positions, be alert. Never look bored even if you are. If you must chew gum (not advised) do it silently, mouth closed. 

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

A GOLD DIGGER SCORNED


So I stumbled upon this message sent by some dude to one of my favorite bloggers Stella Dimoko Korkus.

CAPTION THIS.......



This picture came with an addendum blaming this ................ (Fill in the gap) on ASUU. But on a serious note, what could possibly be going on here? They all look so young especially the second from the right. As I always say when I'm at a loss for words "It is well!"...

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

TERMINATION


I floated peacefully on my cloud. It was a beautiful day, everyone was happy and at peace. Everyone had smiles on their faces, well we always did. we all floated around on our clouds while some were jumping around, laughing and playing. Up ahead I could see those two, skipping on their clouds and giggling as usual, with a smile on my face I was falling into peaceful blissful sleep when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful angel. They were all beautiful but this Angel's beauty was astounding. With a smile I was told "it's time, time to go. ".

RIDING SOLO...


The day had been a lousy one. Broken promises and disappointments. Difficult clients and evasive debtors. I was generally in a foul mood. I'd just gotten home and rushed up for a bath and a quick meal. I look at my phone and no missed call, no messages. Totally annoying, I left my phone an hour ago and in my head when I got back to it I would have at least eight missed calls,two texts and six BB messages. But Alas, nothing. Not even one of those annoying messages from my network. I scroll through bbm updates, nothing new or interesting. Yawn. I check my credit balance and I have over 
2k credit on my phone, however I have no one to call. It's barely 6pm and I'm already feeling this way. Suddenly a light bulb goes off in my head and I get a brilliant idea to go see a movie. So I go get dressed. I look in the mirror and I'm "second look worthy". I smile, get into the car and head for The Palms, to see a movie, alone, again! 

Monday, 18 November 2013

Pieces Of Her (2)


Biola pried her eyes open trying to remember where she was and what had happened the previous night. She squinted and saw him and as disappointment flooded over her she toyed with the idea of pretending she wasn't awake yet. After the hugely disappointing incident of last night she wasn't sure how she was going to react to him and desired to put it off for as long as possible. Unfortunately it was too late. "Good morning sunshine" Seyi said, placing a little kiss on the tip of her nose.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

YOUR TRASH, MY TREASURE.


That guy called clement.....
Clement, such an outdated name 
I've heard a few but this takes the prize for lame
Everything about him is just wrong
His very existence is a satirical song
I really can't stand his whiny voice 
When he speaks I confuse it for mosquitoes noise
With his nose, so wide and big
I bet when he sleeps he snorts like a pig
Clement's belly resembles a drum
I often advice he feed solely on crumbs 
At the sight of his hair I get a fright
Clement is manageable only in the dark of night.

This guy called Clement.....
Clement, such a sweet sounding name
All mothers should name their sons the same
Everything about him makes my heart sing
I live for they day he'll bless me with a ring
You should hear his voice, so thin, it's cute
Reminiscent of an angel playing the flute 
Clement's nose should be in a portrait 
The magnificence of its size almost makes me prostrate 
My Clement has got belly like a bear
No one can provoke us or even dare
He's got hair so shaggy and thick
Running my hands through it gives me such a kick! 

To hear them talk, you'll have to wonder
What makes one sick, makes the other one fonder,
Now I understand, it's no longer a blur
That one woman's Eeewwww is another woman's Aaawwww. 

Friday, 15 November 2013

Dear Extrovert. (Letter From An Introvert)


"Dear Extroverts,
You amaze me. Your outgoing friendliness, your capacity for life and people, your sheer energy! I’m fascinated by the way you can go from engagement to engagement without taking a break. And how you never seem to be at a loss for words.
I must confess, when I see the ease with which you operate in the world, I am often envious. You just don’t seem fazed by all that happens. And you command attention so easily. I’m jealous of how you can move so quickly and accomplish so much in a day. The world does seem to be made for people like you.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Wanderings of a Plus Size Diva (3)





It comes as no surprise to me when people judge others who are plus size or overweight or obese, as the case may be, without even getting to know them. We live in a world where we are judged by our appearances first, before who we really are or what we're capable of matters. This is actually not limited to size or weight. That's why packaging is said to be very important and you hear things like "image is everything". You go for an interview and you're already being assessed the minute you walk in. Your appearance matters. Sometimes however, appearance goes beyond neatness and how well put together one is. It could also go as far as including your dress size.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

ASO EBI WAHALA



I sit before my African Blackwood desk, on my Limbic chair, looking out of my window, at the picturesque view of the mountains. In the course of an involuntarily twitch of my neck, I glimpse my calendar and I see... It's November. Naturally I begin to reminisce, to evaluate, to assess, to call to mind... I ask myself, Thelma, what doest thou in .....Lol. I cannot keep this up. What I'm trying to say is this, it's November, one month away from another year.
Naturally I think about how my year has been so far. Right now, I'm not thinking about the resolutions I made at the beginning of the year, I'm not thinking about goals I set and those I have or have not achieved. No, I'm not thinking that deep. Not because I don't want to, but because all I seem to be able to think about when I think about 2013 is WEDDINGS! I guess this is because I attended more weddings in 2013 than I ever have in my entire life. Maybe because I'm at that age where everyone is getting married. I think about these weddings and I try to think about how beautiful the brides were, how dapper the grooms looked, the hot grooms men, the brides exquisite wedding dresses and bridal makeup, the fantastic get ups at the weddings like everyone is trying to out do the next person, the couples entertaining entrance into the reception, the attendees dressed to kill and posing for pictures while mentally hash-tagging them ASO EBI BELLA. But like an oversize billboard blocking everything else from sight, all I think about is ASO EBI!

Pieces of Her. (Story)

Biola saw him the minute he walked into her office. He was hard to miss really. He walked to her desk and luckily for her, he approached her partner, Soji. Luckily for her, because she was sure anything she would have said to him would sound like a tongue twister. She tried to look nonchalant and unaffected, really hard to do as it was a boring day with little or no work. In fact he was the most exciting thing that had happened to her that day. From the corner of her eyes she stole glances at him, while trying to look like she was busy on her computer. He must have been about 6"3. Biola had a weakness for men with broad shoulders and a slender waist and this guy was the poster boy for that. He was bald headed with bushy eye brows and well groomed beard. He looked like a slightly younger Boris Kodjoe. Soji noticed that this young man had his colleague in lust so he decided to "help out a sister". "Mr Cole, my colleague, Biola, would be of more use to you. This is her area of expertise" Soji said to the client while giving her a meaningful look. Biola immediately took the hint and tried to compose herself. Sitting straighter, Biola cleared her throat and beckoned Mr Cole to her. Soji had a smile on his face as though to say, the ball is in your court. Biola knew how to play this game very well. She was mildly flirtatious and very professional, and Mr Cole asked for her number before he left. "I owe you one" Biola said to Soji, grinning like a Cheshire Cat. "Any babe you want, just point me in the direction and she's yours, I promise" she said. Soji laughed heartily. "Any babe? Seen! Abeg tidy Tonto Dike for me sharply. I need her bad bad" he said with mock seriousness. "Any babe, within reason" she said, laughing. 

Monday, 11 November 2013

When Bad Things Happen To Good People.


 So here I am, trying to figure out what I want to do with my blog. I've been writing articles and poems and my general random thoughts and observations and/or rants to be posted at later dates, before I tell anyone about the blog and more importantly, editing a story I've been working on for months, to be posted weekly, I just got to the twelfth part. Then two days ago, I went to see a late movie, passed up on going to the club afterwards, because was thinking, I should go home and work on my posts and my story so I can get this blog off her tiny feet. I get home, get undressed, get in bed, grab my ipad, open NOTES..... It took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on, at first I couldn't find a poem I had written earlier that day which I was totally excited about. I just wanted to read it to cheer myself up but Alas! It wasn't there. Then while trying to figure out how to undo delete (I thought I must have mistakenly deleted it), I thought, let me check again, this poem should be here. I go back to my notes and its then i realized my story part 1-11 had disappeared too. Along with Other short stories and articles and poems I had planned to post. On further investigation, I noticed what I had left on my notes were things I had no use for. Very random stuff that I should have deleted a long time ago. If I didn't know better, I would have thought someone who really wanted to piss me off got hold of my ipad. I was so sad/confused/distraught/pissed/disappointed/depressed/enraged. Then I stormed google, trying to find ways to get back my intellectual property. Most sites suggested ICloud, if my notes were backed up on ICloud then it would be there. So quickly, I rushed to my settings, remembering I did back up everything on my iCloud. But guess what, everything on my ipad was backed up on iCloud, everything, except my Notes! It was then I had to ask. Why do bad things happen to good people? 
      The most painful part for me is the loss of my story, for someone who's never written a story, its just a story. Big deal. But for someone who has, you'll know how it hurts to sit for hours, thinking, planning, plotting scenarios, building suspense, doing research to build up your characters, staying up late into the night to give life to your characters, thinking, typing, deleting, typing again, and doing this for several months..... I was so excited about sharing it with everyone. I put so much time and energy into it, and now, POOF! Just like dust, its gone. I thought about writing it again but I know it won't be the same, some things i wrote were a result of divine inspiration. Some things were borne in rare moments of clarity and wisdom. The thought of starting over is daunting, one that I dont even want to face. A little voice in my head says, "it won't be the same. But it may be BETTER". Hmmm, maybe..... Besides worse things could have happened. I could have lost the ipad along with everything I have in it. Or let's get real dark, I could have been run off the road as I drove back home at 11pm and not be able to go home and open the ipad and realize that it swallowed my freaking intellectual shiznit! LOL! 


At this point, I'm sure you realize my rant is over. I looked for the bright spots, difficult as it was, and I found it. I'll try to adopt this attitude with everything. I'll try to find something to be thankful for amidst disappointments. And I'll try to believe that something good will always come out from dashed hopes and expectations. I'll also try to BELIEVE it. 

Kisses..... 

Thursday, 7 November 2013

THE ONE (Short Story)

Hublot wristwatch, check. Ralph Lauren shirt, check. Zara pants, check. Gucci loafers, check. Tom Ford cologne, splash, splash, check. Deji took a long, hard look at his reflection in the mirror and grinned in satisfaction. Thinking about what lay ahead that day, he smiled unabashedly. He had found "the one". Just as he was thinking it was about time he settles down, but also worried that all the good girls were taken, he found the last one. Tessa was every man's dream. The kind of girl that made you want to be a better man, the kind who pushed you to succeed, with her words and prayers; yes, she had prayed with and for him a number of times over the phone. The kind that made you suddenly understand what Joe meant when he sang 'don't wanna be a playa no more". The kind you pictured yourself holding hands with and mopping sweat off her face as she cried and screamed expletives at you and pushed forth your beautiful children into the world. The kind you immediately wanted to 'wife' before one other "sharp" guy snagged her. Yeah. Tessa was all that and more. He could not believe his good fortune in meeting her.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

ERENGA (Short Story)

It was my first time out of Areke. The town of my birth, home of my parents. In all my years in Areke my siblings and friends had dreams of one day going to the big city, especially my sister, Agada. Agada believed she did not belong there. Our village was a very small one, one of the few towns which had not felt the exciting touch of modern development.
Unlike Agada, all I ever wanted was to finish my secondary education and receive the sewing machine papa had promised me for being the best student in my class. In our village, academic excellence was rewarded and therefore every year, the village came together and contributed and sent the best student from that year to the polytechnic in a nearby town, (in hope that years later that student would come back and contribute to the community in their own way). Unfortunately, Agada, who had big dreams, was not intelligent enough to be considered for this scholarship. I would have been chosen from my class but that was not what i had planned for myself. I was going to become a tailor and use the money to help with the upkeep of my four younger brothers. But more importantly, I was going to marry the love of my life, Buguma. As I thought of him a big knot formed in my throat. Buguma, my best friend, my brother, my lover. Buguma who caused me to blush first thing in the morning, even before my eyes were open, Buguma, who I shared all my dreams with. Buguma, 
who made me a woman.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Wanderings of a Plus Size Diva. 2.





I had a dream, I was fat. Woke up, still fat. 

LOL. Anyone who is, or has ever been overweight would understand the vexation I feel sometimes when I wake up in the morning. Now, let me give you guys my early morning routine when I wake up everyday, that's my routine before I get off the bed o! Let's call it my train of thoughts. 

1. Think, what did I eat yesterday? What did I have for dinner? What did I have after dinner? What did I have after what I had after dinner? How thick was the warm chocolate I drank after convincing myself I just couldn't sleep without? 
2. How many calories could it all have been? 5000? 10,000?
3. Why do I do this to myself? 
4. Haven't I heard the saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"?
5. Today I shall begin a diet.. Think, JUICE FAST. Yes!

Then I jump off my bed, determined and enthusiastic. 
Thirty minutes later I'm rummaging through the fridge. Just feeding my eyes I say. Then my belly rumbles. I think; I would need to go to the market and all that many many wahala for this juice fast. And I would have to do that EVERYDAY! Mehn fuck it! I reach for the weighty shoprite bread, break two eggs into the frying pan, in goes half a can of corned beef. YUMMY (I hear you health nuts saying "GROSS", whatever mayne...) grab my breakfast and leave the kitchen, well not before I open the freezer and grab an ice cold bottle of coke. 
Tomorrow is another day, I'll start my fast then. But do I? Well look up for my early morning train of thoughts. 

*Covers face in shame while grinning like a Cheshire cat*

Wanderings of a Plus Size Diva



Hey loves, so occasionally I'm going to be doing posts titled WANDERINGS OF A PLUS SIZE DIVA. Because I'm one. *big grin*. There I'll share a lot with you guys like diets I've gone on, lengths I've gone to to lose those pounds, stuff I encounter sometimes because of my size, my current diet plan and any other thing related to being plus size that I might want to talk about, I would also like to hear your thoughts too.

Cheers!!!

Hey y'all!!!



Hey All! I'm really excited to do this. It's been on my mind but I've spent weeks second guessing myself. Well, finally, here I am.
I love writing. Unfortunately though, sometimes its unrequited love and I suffer the occasional writer's block, but, I'm not letting that stop me. I'll be doing posts on an unlimited range of topics, stories; fiction and otherwise, some poetry (when my love for writing is reciprocated. LOL), maybe some gossip, sharing bits of my life with you, and lots more.
My goal is to get you all as addicted to my blog as I am to red velvet cakes and I look forward to hearing from you, reading your comments, opinions, thoughts and constructive criticism.


*Hugs!*

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