Let me begin this post by saying, in a couple of days it's very likely I'll delete this post, I'll go through my posts and see this and no doubt wonder what this is doing on my blog, my heart would beat faster as I imagine someone else posting on my blog without me knowing and then I'll remember, one very random night when I had absolutely nothing to do I typed and posted this.
I posted nothing today and it was deliberate. Today was one of those days I woke up angry. I woke up hating everything and everyone today, nothing could boost my mood. And trust me I tried, I opened the blog to cheer me up but I felt sick to my stomach and shut it immediately. Then I even googled "things that make you go awww" in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up. All I got was annoying images of cats and kittens and I had an intense desire to smash my ipad on the wall. All day I wanted to talk to my person, I finally did and I realized I had nothing to say, then the call ended and I remembered everything I wanted to say... Aaaargh! Everything about today was weird. I felt like the me in my parallel universe did all the living while I, in this one, merely existed, an empty shell.
Normally I would use stuff to alter my mind, my mood. Stuff could be anything from cigarettes, alcohol, sex, food, magic muffins... But for some reason 2013 saw me put an end to all these. And I DONT KNOW WHY! I mean I stopped smoking cos it was killing me, literally. Alcohol.... I've never been much of a drinker and I still drink once in a while but it's not something I really care for. Sex.... Well, for some reason I just stopped. (I don't like the fact that I'm the last child in my family and my siblings read this blog. I feel like I'm trying to talk and someone is covering my mouth with a cloth, muffling my words. Whatever mehn, I'm freaking turning 29 in March, that's practically 30. So I guess I'm a grown ass woman, no?) I never made a conscious effort to be celibate but I found I wasn't getting any anyways, I might as well make it official and give it a label. Celibacy.
So far it's been good but come on, there's been no sex for longer than I care to remember, I can't eat all the junk I want to , I can't smoke, won't drink, my suppliers of muffins and brownies of the magical nature are all....... absent. I should at least do something! Life is too friggin short. No wonder there are days like today that I wake up angry with the world.
To be honest, I put a stop to those and created room for other (more important) things in my life like God and the Scriptures, but I'm only human.
There are days that all I want is just some form of sinfully sweet, terribly guilt-inducing release! But it usually blows over and by morning I'm back at His feet. (Please on sermons needed, thank you.)
I think about it and I come to realize, writing has become my release. No doubt, sometimes it feels like sex without orgasm, but still it's my greatest, most fulfilling, most exciting form of release right now. And I have you guys to thank for it. Writing and having no one to read is tantamount to having conversations in a empty room, useless.
If you've taken the time to read this..... you've tried. Lol. Thanks. Let me also admit something, sometimes I feel lost, if you my readers, who care enough to, can sometimes give me directions, make meaningful suggestions, constructive criticism, or send in mails on stuff you would like discussed, I would really appreciate it. If you've got a story (prose) to share then please send, full credit would of course be given to you. If you've got anything at all you would like me to post, my email address is there, you can also follow me on twitter too ( @lettsplay )
Good night my darlings. Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a better one.