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Women, Why Do We Hate Each Other?

The pot filled with lobsters is bubbling on top the raging fire. The lobsters try to claw their way out. Taking a closer look you see it, strange but true. They climb on top each other, helping each other claw their way out of the pot. You can be sure that these are male lobsters. BECAUSE, female lobsters in a steaming hot pot of boiling water clamp each other down so that no one can get out. How alike these female lobsters are to us women. 

      I'm asking the age old question, asked a million times by others before me. I hope that somewhere along the line in the course of this write up I would be able to find an answer; Why do women hate each other?

      The story of the male and female lobster told to me some years ago is probably a myth. I just read that lobsters die almost immediately they enter hot water. But, there must be a reason for this myth. 
Women's dislike (if hate is too strong for you) is however, no myth. If you're going to act ignorant and claim not to know what I mean I'll give you the quickest examples. Visit one of your favorite blogs eg LIB, LLB, SDK, and search posts about TOKE MAKINWA, GOLDIE (RIP), TONTO DIKE, TOOLZ, among others, now, read the comments. There is no insult that hasn't been hurled at and heaped on these ladies. Every word of contempt, disdain, cruelty and hate has been used. Now what strikes me as almost unfathomable is the fact that this hate and bullying comes from other women. You will rarely ever see a comment from a guy calling Toolz a Whale and asking her to "hit the gym, fatty", or what used to be the popular one a couple of years back "We heard she smells like fish down there". Wow! Isn't it strange that the people who seeming know the odor of Toolz' nether region are all females? How come we never heard this from one guy at least, who is more likely to know? Goldie was a major recipient of the hate, bullying, insults, vitriol and vicious criticism in the (online) media. Read the comments and they're sure to be from her fellow women. I never understood this. I'll be honest, at first I felt she tried too hard but soon after I realized something, it could not be easy. The image she was creating, the brand she was building, the insanely creative videos she was making, there was no way it could be easy. This young woman was working hard to do something different, to carve a niche. There was no way I could hate on her. She deserved to be applauded. So when I went online and read the hateful comments that always followed once her picture was up, I was dazed. Do I need to go into detail about Tonto and Toke? Thankfully, where these two are concerned it's not as bad as it used to be because these divas have proven that they have unbreakable spirits, it seems some of their detractors are getting tired. 

      Now let me talk about the one that made my mouth form a big round O, the one that made me feel like my brain was making pop corn, the one that astounded, confounded and dumbfounded me. The Ese Walter story. This young woman came out to tell a story that would undoubtedly cause a lot of controversy, pain, insults and stigma. Yet, she told it. I'm sure we all read or heard the story. You know, the one about a new level of grace? She told of her affair with a "Man of God" and the challenges she faced afterwards as she tried to make sense of what had happened. Ese, I must confess, irked me when she came across sounding like she had been victimized. It's possible that she was but I couldn't/can't understand it. But, what I found strange was the barrage of insults and curses and hateful comments that were thrown her way. Do I need to point out that a lot of these comments were by women just like her. Unlike other matters, this wasn't restricted to the online media alone. It became a topic for round table discussions. During a couple of these conversations, some of my female friends condemned her. I remember asking them why and none could ever come up with a sensible reason. Also, that week, I listened to one of the really cool Lagos radio stations that blasts hot beats, I was stunned as even the OAP said some rather unkind words about Ese Walter. Now the part that was laughable was that the show was hosted by two presenters, one male, one female. Ironically, the guy was empathetic to Ese, while the lady actually castigated her, (I thought they were meant to be objective in their views?). I could not understand how a man who had vowed both to his wife and to God and who is supposed to lead millions to Christ was caught in the middle of that kind of dirty scandal, where he was sleeping with a member of his congregation and it was the woman who was to be blamed.! Oh women, why do we do this to ourselves? This man was not called out, even when this story was corroborated. It was Ese who was (and still is, to some) an object of ridicule and disdain. 

Just in case you're tempted to ask how I can be so sure those comments are by women considering that a lot of them are made by anonymous commenters, trust me, you'll know!

This woman-hate-woman is not restricted to the internet. Remember how uneasy we felt back then in the university when we had problems in a course and we needed to talk to the lecturer of said course, and the lecturer was a woman? We knew that things would be more difficult than they should be because "women hate each other". In 2012/13, a lot of my girlfriends attended interviews and I cannot remember how many times each one prayed before attending an interview, that the interviewer won't be a woman, or that there would not be a woman on the panel. 

      I'm sure a lot of us can totally relate to what Francie, a character in A Tree Grows In Brooklyn meant when she said "Most women had one thing in common: they had great pain when they gave birth to their children. This should make a bond that held them together, it should make them love and protect each other against the man-world. But it was not so. It seemed like their great birth pains shrank their hearts and their souls. They stuck together for only one thing- to trample on some other woman…whether it was by throwing stones or mean gossip. It was the only kind of loyalty they seemed to have. As long as I live, I will never have a woman for a friend. I will never trust any woman again, except maybe mama." Very sad, but this is only the reality of things. And if you'll think about it you can relate too. We often hear girls say they cannot be friends with other girls, they would rather have male friends. An example is this comment below, 

I found similar comments on that same post. 

I hate to ramble on even after (I like to believe) I've made my point, I try instead to find solutions and in this I first question the causes. What is it that makes some women hate other women? Could it be envy or jealousy? Does one woman's beauty deem yours in comparison and thus threaten your chances with members of the opposite sex? Does one woman's success make you feel small and insignificant? Does one woman's downfall suddenly make you feel better about yourself? Does her seeming perfection remind you of your many flaws? Does a woman who is confident in her sexuality threaten or anger you? Does the very confident high-flyer make your own wings feel clipped? Why do WE women hate each other? 

We already have enough to deal with in a man's world. Having to work twice as hard to get half the recognition (a man would), dealing with domestic violence, rape, discrimination and even something as trivial as PMS... The least we can do is try to have each other's back and empower each other. We should be allies and not in constant competition with each other. The sky is big enough for all the birds of the earth. 


  1. Thelma its a question that can never be answered and will always be there. Women always see each other as the competition.

  2. 1st to comment. Why do women hate each other ooo?

  3. really speechless,funny enough I still thought of this few days back

  4. Any comment after 1st to comment is always senseless,think I'm wrong pls scroll up.that being said,I sincerely don't understand why some women just hate other women,I say some becus I know I'm not that way,but I see it happen everywhere,banks,school,church...mayGod help us help ourselves,becus this issue is probably as old as time itself.look @ the bible,Rachael and Leah,hannah and peninnah,need I go on?all I can say is,it starts from us as individuals,be the change u wona see,nice post.

  5. Meanwhile Nwando what better post to tell u,we have scores to settle??? I'm not even playing with u,if I catch u girl,I'm gonna snatch ur weave.

    1. Thanks for warning me in advance... Now going to the barber's shop. Lol

  6. women hate each other.....quite a nice summary to the good ol'rivalry. imagine in my villa, the ruler decided to scrap all those demeaning widow mourning rites..guess which group marched in protest? Their reason was that their mothers did it for their fathers.thry won't feel complete if they don't go through it too". bullshit.they just want to see the city widow or their rival go through the humilating rites.
    .......i can think of a few reasons. deep rooted wickedness.competition, self confidence issues , superiority/inferiority complex, to earn respect e.t.c . Thelma you can put up a post with the answers you has bestseller potential o

  7. Nice write up.. Women I just don't understand dem..seruzly I don't feel like going back 2 skul becos of d drama wen I resume..dey just like 2 hate for nothing!

  8. Very well written. there are so many reasons, hate, envy, insecurities, competition, jealousy etc

  9. Nicely written. .pls when you find out what the answer is relay it to us dear.

  10. It baffles me a whole lot when I read hateful comments meant for fellow women. Why will I say trash about somebody I don't know one on. The recent one was about chika ike's spending spree in dubai and wia she stayed. Come and see nasty comments from fellow girls what is all dat for, like seriously?only God will helep us women I tell u

  11. I think it has more to do with wickedness than complex, where the wickedness originates from is what I don't really understand. The worst part has to do with girls that were once as tight as five and six suddenly becoming sworn enemies because of small gossip, I don't think girls really know the meaning of friendship but that's even nothing. I've seen the same hatred between sisters and it's just cos they are female, nothing more

  12. Nice write-up.Thelma u just spoke my mind. D reason for hatred amongst we women is inferiority complex n jealousy. Personally I prefer hanging out with males dan my fellow girls (men are less complex beings n easy going in my opinion), to d extent dat people say I like boys (I jst answer such comments wt a smile). I'm saying all these based on experience.
    A case scenario: at skul during my mba, a guy-friend introduced me to a girl cos she's new n I should help her get familiar wt d environment(in uk). I obliged n we exchanged numbers, though we weren't in d same class, hence I called her regularly to be sure she was ok(d skul was quite big). As expected, she made other friends in forward a month later, d girl started spreading gist about me dat I'm "obviously sleeping around bcos its not possible for me be doing well(dressing well n looking good) because I have no part-time job unlike most students do here in the UK to survive(no matter how menial d job is). She said all sorts of things dat I live a fake life..she hates how I even dress..etc. my dear..see jealously n envy at its peak. I wasn't bothered because we come from different backgrounds and my values and morals are soo different from hers. I had to call dat my guy-friend never to introduce me to any girl again(honesty I became tired of meeting ladies). I'm a very reserved n simple lady n hate complicated people in ds life. I even stayed wt British ladies(I was soo happy, their lives are so simple), despite people questioning my refusal to stay wt my fellow naija girls.(most students in the UK live in shared apartments asides from d extra-rich ones dat can afford a whole apartment to demselves).
    My dear..I'm a lady but Its unfortunate dat i have to say that "Ladies have issues".

  13. This is so true, i may not bully other women but i find it hard to compliment or receive one . If someone says Ruka you are looking good , i simply smile and ignore them , i don't know why i do this. When i see some one who is not a friend looking good in my head i just say its nice, most i do is say ' i like this . I've seen some people trying to be too friendly and immediately when they leave the group they get laughed at , or maybe i'm used to the secondary school system when one friend leaves we all talk about her . I always say "not every one i talk to is a friend " . I might not be friendly to other women but i do respect them .

  14. Hmmm I could vividly remember the period I worked with Gtb Abuja *sigh* my new unit head was a woman, Lord of Heaven she was always picking on me for no reason, to the extend my male colleague was like "you know this woman from some where". I go to the rest room to cry my eyes off. What was the course of all this? Jealousy and inferiority complex. simply because as a contract staff whom I was in the bank, I was always dressing well and i do drive my BF infinity to work. I remember the day she asked me, where do I live and I told her Asokoro gosh!!!!!, that was another chapter of my life. . My mum was hospitalized, this woman bluntly refused to grant my leave. I wanted to go for my traditional marriage, she refused me the second time mayb becos she's got two kids with no husband, for different men, so you can imagine the level of hatred she had towards me. I had to meet our branch head who was a Man, I explained everything to him and then he approved my annual leave. My hubby warned me never to return to that office. The day I was to resume, I tendered my resignation ofcouse its aganist the bank policy cos there was no notice from me! But I tendered and left with my head high and a Ring on my finger. Tru my hubby's influence, I got a job in one of the top embassies. Fast farward a year after that I own my clothing line and other businesses. . We women, Only God will help us women.

  15. I love your blog, I will try and come here often.....

  16. Nwando this question 1 even Aristotle n Plato dem sef can't answer. Hence if n when u do find it, lemme know so we can patent it n sell 2 men all over d world (cos believe me when I say na dem go buy am pass. Dat = less female inlaws related palaver) and U n I can share d profits so d world can see our patented ish works *winks. Ziggy

    1. Hehehe. Ziggy pls don't choke me with laugh this afternoon.

  17. I ask myself this same question almost every day. This women-on-women hate is rife all around us. It’s glaring, almost blinding. Recall Eve deceived Adam, and was cursed. It was the same demon acting in her then. Women at the very depth of their core are actually deviant and depraved. They are very very very evil and God the creator knows this. They cannot bear, cannot stand, cannot fathom, cannot stomach the thought of somebody else being better than them. They are unredeemable bitter lots, blinded by envy and decapitated by hate. This is the exact reason why they are and will forever be second place. If women ruled the world, it would have long seized to be.

    The bible says one of the ways women can remedy their abominable nature that caused the fall of the whole of human kind is to raise good children, how much evidence of this do we have today? Nigerian women are of another species all together. I am a woman and am aware of my nature. Many women are not self -aware, they are dead to self, and are unconscious about who they are or how they act. Many women are actually convinced that other women are actually the problem, no one ever bothers to looks inwards, as in their eyes they are faultless.

    The first step to redemption is acknowledging this horrid truth about the fundamental nature of the female folk. Being conscious of self and keeping guard to shut down these vile behaviors once they begin to manifest, and manifest they must.

    Many of the demons you wrote about in your blog post are women who have been consumed by their evil nature, they are no longer in control, they are now ruled by their weaknesses and as a result, there is no limit to where evil can take them. No remorse, just pure undiluted nastiness spewing from the deep core of their souls. This is the story of the women folk as i have so thoroughly observed.


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