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"It's Like You're Still Being Selective, It's Like You Think You StillHave Time"




I've always been told, and believed that it's good to have standards. But Is it? I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure anymore. Some nights ago I got a call from my friend and after talking about a little bit of this and that she then tells me how some days ago she was at the market and a random
woman asked if she was married. She told the woman she isn't and the woman replied "hmmm, it's
like you're still being selective, it's like you think you still have time." . My friend freaked out and made a decision right on the spot. She said to me "Nwando I'm not waiting again, anybody that comes, as long as he treats me well I will marry him". Now people, this struck a cord.


I remember right after law school a friend of mine who's older and married kept on trying to hook me up with different potential suitors. I was never enthusiastic because marriage just was not a priority, and no it's not like I was a spring chicken. One day, after I'd given her yet another reason why I didn't like some guy she introduced me to, out of frustration she blurted out "Nwando I know you're beautiful, but beauty won't remain forever. Women are like flowers, very soon this beauty will fade and then what will happen?". I wondered, was I to settle with and for whoever smiled at me just because (my) beauty is transient? I wondered about this. But she's not the only one who gave me this warning. 

       When I was in my "youthful exuberance" days, in my early 20s, there's this guy I was having "relations" with and even though it was merely relations, we were good friends. He's several years older than I am and used to take it upon himself to give me life lectures, which he still does till date. I remember him saying severally back then "when you walk along a road, many cars stop to give you a ride, today like ten cars stop for you. But soon, only five will stop, and before you know it, you will be walking for hours and only one car or no car will stop.". This was almost ten years ago and I can tell you for free that he was so right. I, who cars almost used to run into each other to stop and talk to me whenever I decided to take a walk, now I could walk for hours and no one notices. So much so that I sometimes wonder if I've suddenly become invisible?

      So many of us have set standards of what we want our husbands to be like; he must be tall, he must have a good job and live in a comfortable apartment, he must be from my state, he must be a good Christian, he must like spoiling me, he must have vision, he must be an achiever, he must be well-read and a good conversationalist, he must be able to make me speak in tongues in bed, he must be family oriented etc. Yet as you become older and Mr Right is yet to locate you, you might find yourself wondering, do all these qualities I want in my man really matter? Is it not enough if a man is good to me and treats me well?

      A lot of people would say it is, they'll tell you that that man you dream about exists, but only in your dreams. They'll say take whoever comes as long as he's good to you, there's really no time anymore. And while it's actually quite wise and sensible to do this because he is GOOD to me and treats me WELL, and my biological clock is ticking rather too loudly, am I to forget all those other things I know I really want in a man?

I need answers to these questions. 
If I'm NOT ATTRACTED to him, am I still to go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If he's horrible in bed, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If he's not well read and enlightened, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If we never have much to talk about, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If he's got horrible breath and a musty odour, if he's got poor social skills, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If we have very different values and ideologies, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?
If I just don't like him or anything about him, am I to still go for him BECAUSE HE TREATS ME WELL?


Yes, one isn't getting any younger, and what's more important than a man who treats you well? But do I drop all those things that I want in and from my man just because time is running out and beauty fades?

Please I want honest opinions and answers. Do you think it's important to let go of the reasonable standards you've set? At what point and why, should one settle for a man just because he's good to her?

Comments

  1. Hi Thelma glad u are back!!! Hope u were able to sort all u wanted to sort out!
    Regarding your question, i understand you completely. The unnecessary pressure people put u under once u cross the age of 25, I got married little over a year ago when I turned 27 but I never let anyone's opinion force me to drop the most important standards I set for my self. My mother was reminding me how my eggs weren't going to stay good forever and my married friends were asking if I wasn't setting my priorities straight. But I wasn't bulging, I set time apart and I went to God, I totally submitted my will under His. because I know he knows tomorrow and I can't even see the next second so I decided to let him guide my choice. The first time I saw my husband I KNEW I was going to marry him but the problem was I didn't fancy him at all lool even though he is good looking. So again I went back to God,and I said father if he is truly mine give me a desire for him that transcends ordinary Cus I won't marry a,man I don't fancy I don't care if he dropped from heaven, my dear I don't know where that love came from and overwhelmed me.I now began to realise that even the qualities I didn't think I deserved to get in a man he had it. I know I have only Been married less than two years but every day I ask God what I ever did for him bless me with such a man, Cus really I don't even know how I got so lucky. So in short or (long) lol, God is not a wicked father and won't expect you to be with a man u don't like or have nothing in common with BUT DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGED HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Tolu, not yet. But I woke up this morning and realized that despite the situation I'm just going to have to sit up and and do "something". I just read this post now and in my opinion it's a little all over the place because normally, I would have a better written and more organized piece. But, at least I was able to get my message across. If I keep waiting for perfect situations then I might as well just give up already.

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    2. Don't settle for less than God's best. But yea be proactive nothing wrong with that

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    3. Don't settle for less than God's best. But yea be proactive nothing wrong with that

      Delete
  2. ughhh.. I miss u!!! il be back to comment.= :)

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  3. As a woman,the pressure to follow the chronological clock(go to sch,NYSC,get a good job, get married) is crazy out there,so thelma I totally understand what you are talking about.People act like one should go and marry any man that so much as smile at you.If you outline the reasons you don't like this man or that man and what you want in a man, they look at you like you are crazy.

    I am not yet married but I absolutely believe that I don't have to settle(reduce my standards) just to settle down!, all I need do is make sure my standards are realistic!

    Its also vital to trust God for His will like the first person that commented said!

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  4. And welcome back,missed you loads!

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  5. hmm I'm turning 22 so I'm guessing i still have time even when i plan on being single this year.. now regarding your questions, I will not marry a man just because he treats me well and also has those qualities you mentioned. That is not enough to satisfy one in marriage. The lucky ones are those that get married to their friends. Based on my parent failed marriage and all that went down and still going on, I sometimes don't see the need to be married. My top priorities in a partner is not based on how he looks. If I don't find what I'm looking for I'l be alone (i've thought about this and I think I have no problem with this.) Maybe because I've only dated 1 person and i enjoy my own company idk. I also think being in Nigeria where someone gets married EVERY WEEKEND makes it so stressful for spinsters and they end up marrying anyone to avoid being stigmatized. So I thank God I'm not home. Ladies do not settle. I want to try to be more open minded and also notice everyman and not just Nigerian men in my location. Ladies do the same because you never know. Love knows no color.

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  6. Anon, at 22, you're obviously an adult and you sound how many older women sounded when they were your age. But when you get older it's likely your way of thinking will change. But in all I agree one shouldn't have to settle just because of age and pressure.

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    Replies
    1. It has nothing to do with age, am in my late twenties and i totally agree with her, i am also pro-divorce, pple need to know that marriage isnt a prize rather happiness is the prize. Life is too short to be unhappy, not everyone has d courage to walk away from a bad marriage, so its better u wait for what you want.

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    2. I second your opinion jare. Love, frienship, understanding and happiness are worth the wait.
      K.O.H.

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  7. What was the woman's business in the first place. Just like your last short story, they'll push you into a messy marriage then start feeling bad when something terrible happens. Marriage is not be be all and end all of life.

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  8. My dear,I can't marry a man mainly because he treats me well ,although I might reduce my standard say like from 5 to 3 and that's the least I can do,if he can't take me as I am,he should watch me while I walk away because @ the end,if we can't sort it out,I will only have MYSELF.all this family,friends and society pressure won't be there!

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  9. Welcome back Thelma. Really missed u.
    'Ll be turning 24 nxt mnth nd I don't believe for settling just because he's good to me. I would like to feel something for the man 'll marry atleast a little. The thought of even allowing him kiss me if I don't feel anyform of attraction will be repulsuive.

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  10. Thelma!!! I've missed you!!!!!
    I'm turning 22 this year so I don't think i am 'experienced' enough to say anything! HOWEVER PLS DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS! GOD CREATED YOU A QUEEN AND HE HAS A KING FOR YOU! PRAYER IS KEY...ESP. WITH THE RATE OF BROKEN MARRIAGES

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  11. Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
    Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.
    Don’t assume that you know it all. Prov 3:5-6. Never be pressured. In the long run, its just you and him. Remember its forever or not. #Enjay#

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  12. My dear,its quite understandable to feel anxious and wonder whether ure right 2hv stuck 2ur guns all this while or not.Bt d truth remains that if u dabble in2 a marriage out of societal/family pressure,u'll b d only one 2suffer it.Cos,afta d whole ceremony etc,reality'll set in.Apart frm seeking God's face 4direction,u nid 2b on d look out 4those thngs u actially like/want in a man.Those r d thngs that'll kip u goin in d marriage,long afta d euphoria of changing ur status hv passed.Jst b a good woman,kip improving on urslf,n kip praying n believing God 4d right man 2come ur way.U sure wl gt there sm day n live happily ever after.Meanwhile,I love ur blog n what ure doing wit it.We hv a lot in common

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  13. Babes, U know i am the last person who will tell u that it is OK to marry a man just because he treats u well. The truth about marriage is that at the end of the wedding, the success of the marriage depends on the effort THE BOTH OF YOU PUT into making the marriage a success and none of the people who were advocating for you to get married, for whatever reasons they were, would be there to shoulder the burden that may come because they would be busy dealing with their own lives and messes! And what they almost never tell you is that, while we all know that marriage would definitely bring ups and downs, it is a lot easier to deal with the downs with some one who shares the same ideals with you and no one knows better that you what you deal with so at the end of the day, no one knows the best man for you but you! Also, when u have nothing in common with a man, eventually, you'll begin to resent the littlest thing (and apparently in marriage, its the little things that build up to huge issues) and soon even the fact that he treats you well could become a source of irritation! (weird but true) The result: you find yourself in a relationship that you're sick of, unhappy in and you want to leave but you don't because he treats you well and so doesn't deserve it, so you stay, become more irritated n unhappy and the cycle continues. All in all, you become another bitter married woman. So if you have to take a little longer to find that person, don't fret, believe God who always gives us what we NEED at the best time does not feel the time is right yet. In the mean time, take the time to make yourself the best you that you can be. That way when the right one comes around, you'll be a full package! And what man won't be proud of having an accomplished, self sufficient woman? And you would have a man you would be happy to spend the rest of your life beside...who by the way would definitely treat you well. Afterall, he is the right man. My two cents. Ziggy.

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  14. Ziggy,you spoke well,inshort almost everybody did speak well but one thing strikes me the most.Set REALISTIC standard.I have a family friend who had such high standards. In her early twenties,turned down good even rich suitors for very flimsy reasons but in her late twenties she had to set very realistic standard.She married a good man that is not fine. I stay in her place every now and then and can assure you her husband is a blessing and everyone including her testify to that.standards must be revised to be realistic but don't settle.

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  15. I've had to think of this many times. Sometimes, I think I cannot settle, at other times, I think I am too picky. Then I think that I cannot love someone I can't have a conversation with. . . Then the cycle of thought continues. All I ask is that God brings my Mr Right my way, and make me know he's the one before I start getting desperate. Amen

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  16. Ok I remember this conversation. However, I think I'm back to my senses oh. Simply put, I just couldn't go through with my decision to marry whoever treats me right. I just have to have a lot in common with him. You know how all of a sudden you just start having chykers and then something happens to make you think, "oh boy be like say na God set talk to me oh". So I was out on a date with this dude that was just not my type at all but he could make me laugh, and I felt free with him. I really didn't mind that he was really short or limps but oh boy the dude is loud and well just not it, into drugs etc. I actually found myself justifying peddling drugs. I even went as far as telling myself well people marry them so how am I any different. Well when I got over the conversation with the woman in the market, I pinched my senses back to life. There was this other guy who gave me a less than five minutes ride who just decided his own tactics would be to bombard me with texts and calls, I tried to give him a try but I couldn't force it. Then to worsen the situation, he told me that my voice reminded him of his ex fiancee so tomorrow after we have started dating, he would tell me i reminded him so much of his ex fiancee so he has decided to marry her. Chi zoba m.Then one of my very good friends told me I should just give him a try but seeing how her marriage is unfolding based on the fact that the guy was almost good to her ( marriage was supposed to make him very good to her), I decided I might as well wait and not try to go below my expectations much sha. Besides my ticking biological clock, my siblings still see me as the baby of the house so I might aw well take my time.

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