The only amusing thing about this letter is that you will most definitely read it, maybe even tonight, but you will never imagine that this is about you, or that the quote in the picture above was inspired by you. It will completely go over your head like every other thing where I'm concerned. The nightmare is past, as is the fog in my head so I now think clearly about;
Your Indifference: Something about how you do not care if I exist, you do not care who I am or what I want, something about how interchangeable I feel when I'm with you; I could be Nwando, Sharon, Bidemi, Thelma, Comfort, Chrystal, Ekaete, whoever, and it would make no difference to you. Something about how absent you are when I'm present. Something about how I nearly need to bleed to get just a bit of your attention, your time, your smile.
My desire: fucking hell! I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a freaking masochist. It was you who made Gigi (Oche-Eze) say to me "Nwando I know your type, you love pain". Your indifference, your mild disdain, your obvious disinterest made me only want you more. You became my urge, my craving. I needed you. You became
My addiction: how typical; something about how alike to smoke you are; I couldn't hold you no matter how I tried, made me want harder. I needed you like I needed to press syringe through flesh and feel you course through my veins. The mere imagination, all I had to go by, gave me an intense high. Hell, I was sky-high.
My obsession: I loved feeling high. I needed to feel high. I wanted you, needed you, dreamt you. I remember that morning I woke up with my heart racing. Over six dreams back to back, all about you. I called bestie to cry out; What's happening? Sleep was my refuge, my sanctuary, my one escape. But now he has penetrated my dreams. He was there, everywhere. I feel him with my eyes open, I see him with my eyes closed. I needed him, I thought, talked, dreamt him.
My Amusement: I saw you a while back (still you'll read this and not know it's about you, clueless eejit!) and got the funniest feeling. I looked at you and wondered; what did I really ever see in this guy? And the answer came back, loud and clear. Nothing. Absofuckinlutely nothing. I just, as I always do, wanted what I couldn't have.