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Your Indifference, My desire, My addiction, My obsession, Myamusement. .



Dear You,
The only amusing thing about this letter is that you will most definitely read it, maybe even tonight, but you will never imagine that this is about you, or that the quote in the picture above was inspired by you.  It will completely go over your head like every other thing where I'm concerned. The nightmare is past, as is the fog in my head so I now think clearly about; 

Your Indifference: Something about how you do not care if I exist, you do not care who I am or what I want, something about how interchangeable I feel when I'm with you; I could be Nwando, Sharon, Bidemi, Thelma, Comfort, Chrystal, Ekaete, whoever, and it would make no difference to you. Something about how absent you are when I'm present. Something about how I nearly need to bleed to get just a bit of your attention, your time, your smile. 

My desire: fucking hell! I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a freaking masochist. It was you who made Gigi (Oche-Eze) say to me "Nwando I know your type, you love pain". Your indifference, your mild disdain, your obvious disinterest made me only want you more. You became my urge, my craving. I needed you. You became

My addiction: how typical; something about how alike to smoke you are; I couldn't hold you no matter how I tried, made me want harder. I needed you like I needed to press syringe through flesh and feel you course through my veins. The mere imagination, all I had to go by, gave me an intense high. Hell, I was sky-high. 

My obsession: I loved feeling high. I needed to feel high. I wanted you, needed you, dreamt you. I remember that morning I woke up with my heart racing. Over six dreams back to back, all about you. I called bestie to cry out; What's happening? Sleep was my refuge, my sanctuary, my one escape. But now he has penetrated my dreams. He was there, everywhere. I feel him with my eyes open, I see him with my eyes closed. I needed him, I thought, talked, dreamt him. 

My Amusement: I saw you a while back (still you'll read this and not know it's about you, clueless eejit!) and got the funniest feeling. I looked at you and wondered; what did I really ever see in this guy? And the answer came back, loud and clear. Nothing. Absofuckinlutely nothing. I just, as I always do, wanted what I couldn't have. 

Smh. 

Comments

  1. hahahahahahaha, i cannot totally relate, but i remember asking myself this same question about my ex at a point, and came up with almost the same answer smh

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello, love your writeups and style. However, I think (unsolicited advice) that you really need to love yourself and be joyous in being you. Also, you need to know and love Jesus as the one who would always be there for you. Your writeups portray you as someone with a deep need to be loved and accepted. You seem quite smart and intuitive but you really need to love yourself. There is a big difference between knowing your worth and loving yourself. Biko, please love yourself and it would go a long way. Just my unsolicited 1 kobo advice. Continue to abide in God's love and favor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Tee. Lemme help and reply to this; T loves herself in addition to knowing her worth! T is also (obviously) a creative person with a strong mind and imagination.The result: she is able to take those few moments of pesky slivers of doubt which every human being has ( believe me, even self absorbed narcissists have some) and create something beautiful, entertaining and therapeutic i believe for her as well. Not many people can do that. And that, i think is amazing and laudable. Ziggy

      Delete
    2. Thanks Tee, everybody desires to be loved, and I'm no different. On the contrary I don't have a "deep" need to either be loved or accepted. I think if I did I would heartily embrace the love I'm being given as opposed to desiring the unavailable. That said, this post has nothing to do with love. On my need to be accepted, I think my style of blogging which you referred to should convince you that I am indifferent about acceptance. I do me, regardless of others' thoughts and opinions. But I genuinely appreciate your advice. I do know my self worth and love myself, yet I have no desire at all to portray myself as perfect, so naturally opinions like yours are bound to be formed.
      And Ziggy could not have said it better, this for me is a way of entertaining others while giving and also receiving therapy.

      Delete
    3. Ziggy before I go on to commend you I just want you to no that I had a not so nice impression of you way back when in unec...but or write ups/comments have given me a different perspective on the woman I had pray you have grown into...and for this I celebrate you...more grease...you couldn't have said it any better than I would have....and lemme just add Tee,Thelma has a lot of people that love and cherish her and would go the extra mile for her and she knows it....you portrayed her as needy and clingy which she definitely isn't...

      And oh Nwabundo I am so happy this phase passed so quickly...in short I was shocked when it ended...expected it to go on for a while...oh well you Dont know how to crush as hard as I do....its a pity though the clueless fucktard will never know what he missed out on....

      Delete
    4. Thelma, why bother explaining to tee.. there is no obvious understanding of literature.

      Delete
  3. @Ziggy, my sentiments exactly...I guess that's what is defined as "being human". We all have our doubts and fears regardless of how much we love ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lol @ le bestie. Tee you can't be father from the truth but I don't blame you for thinking the way you do. This Thelma has plenty people loving her, plenty men on her case and even some that have been waiting for her to just nod, so that they can start the wedding plans. For reasons best known to her she never shows this on her blog but instead puts posts that make people that don't know her see her as lonely and needy. If it's self worth and self love she has those in abundance. But it's her that I blame for the opinion you have on her. Tee I hope you don't feel ambushed, it's just that we that know her know that you're very wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brilliant write-up!

    ReplyDelete
  6. loolll Thelma y are u on ur own blog commenting as anonymous up and down. abeg give us a break mayt we aren't stupid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon it's for this reason I wish everyone will get a blogger account and have an identity. For all we know I'm the one who made this comment as anonymous and replying as Thelma. My dear if I was hungry for comments I'd be running a gossip blog. Now run along and next time you comment please comment with your real name, you only add to the confusion.

      Delete
    2. Lol please park well,! And accept u have self love issues, cover it all up and embellish it all u want. U r a desperate almost30yr old lady who seeks love and lacks a great deal of self confidence. Stop writing anonymously on ur blog. Quit already pls! N go get urself a man or better still, choose from the many so called niggas that are 'chasing you' and let us rest.

      Delete
    3. Anon please calm down, I really wish I could give you a hug because you sound like someone's who's terribly hurting. Unfortunately I can't, I can only ask that you try to be happy regardless of what's got you so pissed off. @ let us rest, YOU are on MY blog, so if my posts bother you this much then stop coming here before you give yourself high BP, it's as simple as that. *kisses*.

      Delete
    4. Thelma I'm trying to understand why you're replying this person.

      Delete
    5. there she goes again commenting anonymously on her own blog smh. smh!

      Delete
  7. Lol anonymous 4.37 you are actually stupid in short let me write it in capital letters STUPID....all you people from those blogs that stir up trouble please stay away...this blog is for mature minds who know better than to think the way you do....its obvious you haven't been on this blog long and maybe it won't be a bad idea for you to run along.and Thelma if you delete this my comment again ehn....lemme leave it at that...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nwando,as much as I want you to have more visitors on your blog,I'm afraid people like anon 4.37 will just flock here and make reading of comments a pain.O well....@tee,When I read your comment in the morning my first thought was "where is that coming from".With all due respect,before you go off giving "unsolicited advice" just take a few minutes to read the post a couple of times that way you don't sound so "off key".

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh and ziggy you'v always been a smart ass right from secondary school,@le bestie,that's why u should never judge a book by its cover

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Thelma,

    You've got self-loving issues. Behind your brash facade is a woman desperately searching for her fairytale love, the man who fits your dream image, blah blah blah.

    All your rants about this dude, and yet you didn't tell him how you feel or worked hard to make him love you.
    SMH 4 you thelma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. " Something about how I nearly need to bleed to get just a bit of your attention, your time, your smile. " if this doesn't depict hard work I wonder what does. But as usual you are in such a hurry to be negative that you don't allow yourself to read and comprehend.

      Delete
    2. I'm not being negative, just saying there's a difference between 'trying so hard to get his attention' AND. Understanding why he's not giving you the attention.
      Maybe he's not wired for you, maybe he's got unresolved issues he needs to sort out first, maybe who know the 'fuck' what. But to come and have him referred to as clueless is pure selfishness. You wanted him, he wasn't into you, and therefore he's clueless? Tsk, Tsk, expect better from you. All the brain power humming inside that big cranial box of yours, and you could solve the puzzle. If he wasn't your love interest, perhaps you'd have figured it out. Le bestie ain't helping either-allowing emotions and hormones to rule rather than reason.

      Delete
    3. Excuse me o anonymous...I had to read your comment 2ce and I still can't fully comprehend......take a chill pill hare and stop over analyzing things....that someone is clueless means he has no idea how she feels....stop trying to sound intelligent... You come across as an over zealous dumb ass....

      Delete
  11. @Thelma,

    You've got self-loving issues. Behind your brash facade is a woman desperately searching for her fairytale love, the man who fits your dream image, blah blah blah.

    All your rants about this dude, and yet you didn't tell him how you feel or worked hard to make him love you.
    SMH 4 you thelma

    ReplyDelete

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