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The Secondary Wife...

I was chatting a few minutes ago with someone who's not just a friend but a sister. So basically she dated her Ex for several years and went through all those hassles that come with dating a young struggling man, with him. Long story short, dude suddenly ended things and a few months later got engaged to someone that no one had ever seen or heard about before.

In all honesty I could be telling anyone's story. This particular incident happened to two of my former classmates from QC and one very dear friend from Uni (who thankfully is married to her dream man now). You'll have to admit its baffling and I really need someone to shed some light on this. 

Guys, how do you spend several years with a chic, one year, two years, three years, four years and on and on and then one day suddenly break up with her, then two months later we see your traditional marriage pictures to one random chic? 

Actually that's not what this post is about. That is topic for another day. As I was saying jare, so dude ended things and wed Miss Z, life has gone on as usual and everyone tries to move along. But then just as soon as Miss Ex puts the pieces back together and is starting to make sense of her life, he then re-enters the picture. 
        He starts with brief, polite text messages. He's "just checking up on you" he says. You respond equally politely. You hate yourself for it but you actually felt a tingle in your belly when you saw a text from him, after all he's the bastard who caused you so much pain and humiliation and you hate why does your heart skip a beat when he text? 

He's encouraged by your reply and then starts to call. In all honesty, you didn't expect to hear from him again. After all he was only just checking on you and besides he's now married. Yet he starts to call. It goes from asking how you are and how your day went, to telling you how he is and how he hates his new boss. Then he starts to bring up old memories, nothing scandalous as such, all very innocent. 

Next thing he's calling to ask you what you think about this or that and suddenly wants your opinion on everything. You know you shouldn't indulge him but how can't you? After all he's the same man that you shared so much with; your time, your love, your worries, your fears, your dreams, your joy, your accomplishments, your disappointments, your bed and your body.... and truth be told, you never stopped loving him. Yes, you hate him, but you never stopped loving him. So you indulge him. It's all very innocent anyways. 

But not so innocent. Suddenly he says he misses you and how things used to be between you. Hell! He may even go as far as saying he should have married you and made a huge mistake marrying her (while still very happily married to her and flaunting her around town). Most other women are, but you're not strong enough to ask him to lose your number for good. 

Next thing you know, you went from being his girlfriend, to his Ex, to an enemy, to a friend, then a confidante, and now you're more than all these things, even more than a mistress (you're probably not having sex with him after all). You're now,.. The Secondary Wife. 

The one who everyone has forgotten and no one knows, the one who's kept hidden, yet, who although invisible, somehow looms larger than life, at least in your eyes and his. 

Like I said, the secondary wife is more than a mistress, yet she's worse off than a mistress. Her position is even more pathetic. Why? Because she could have been the wife! Because they had history and she contributed a huge deal in making him the man he is today. Because she sowed and sowed and sowed and was thrown out of the field just before harvest time. Because when he was still a confused scraggy young man she helped him stand, with her words, encouragement, money, prayers, food and ultimately LOVE. 

Men, why do you move on and start life with someone else then come back to the Ex and make it difficult for her to move on? You've done enough damage already, no? If she was such an amazing person that you can't let her be (even after you've wed someone else), then why did you let her go in the first place?

I in no way blame an Ex chic for granting an Ex boyfriend who's moved on audience, because love is a mystery among many other things. Even the wisest of men are yet to understand it. 

There are a few exceptions to matters like this, eg health reasons (genotype etc) that may prevent a couple from getting married. I not referring to matters where these are involved. (Topic for another day. LOL). 


  1. Chai Thelma, your "wandering" mind got me wondering....How do you ever think up stuff like this? Its sad the things that we see in this life.

  2. On point. I wish the men will answer this question. Why get married and continue dating your ex?

  3. No dear, T isn't "wandering"... she simply put up a reality in this post... but am just about to wear my Thinking hat... Its amazing how men do such things, and then these women are sometimes broken beyond repair. Thank U God for reversing my story!

    Guys please answer ohhhhh! Memphis and Steele... #amWaiting

  4. c2 Because they know the ex would open legs whenever he wants her too.. Women give yourselves brain and loose his number! If he saw u as wifey material he would have married u instead.. Guys would say anything to get in your pants.. Deep down inside ur just another easy lay to them.}

    1. Not necessarily anon. He can get any other girl to open her legs. It is way deeper than sex. Don't ask how I know this. Gigi

  5. Its wickedness on the part of the talking out of experience,they just don't want to see d enstraged ex happier than they are, so they keep poping back to check on her life with diff sorts of excuses.

  6. This actually got me thinking too! I haven't bin a victim of this so I can't say much about it,I salute secondary madams o

  7. Memphis and Steele ke? Okay, maybe Memphis cos I've not been with one woman for more than 6 months and I'm no where near married so I'm in no way qualified to start trying to answer this question. I won't even try to guess cos when I advice my married friends they tell me to shut up till I'm married, I guess that disqualifies me. Syke! Hehe
    I musto yan.... I think men do this out of cowardice, they are with someone they really love but for some reason (don't ask me why cos I have no clue) they are afraid to commit to this particular person and they are too scared to tell her the truth so they cook up some crap to get out of the relationship. Then they meet someone else who they think is the ideal woman, someone they can get married to and they do get married. After a while they start missing that one who's really knows the real them, the one that they can't form for, that's when they start to text and call. This is where I blame the women who encourage it, if you weren't good enough to marry then you shouldn't let yourself become an emotional tampon. This reminds me of tuface and Annie, fortunately or unfortunately for her, he didn't get married to any of his baby mamas before he started missing the one he couldn't form for. The story is still long but my fingers have started aching, no vex

    1. Another scenario is that they fall out of love but still want to stay friends and probably bed mates....

  8. I know one igirl that was sleeping with her colleague , she knew the guy was gettin married but she let herself fall for him and stupidly opened her legs just because the guy lied to her that he has feelings for her... The babe is someone I know and I heard the guys babe was doing masters abroad that period so he must have been very horny.... My point is, girls know it's wrong to still be hanging with a guy u can't be with it but they still stupidly follow him....

  9. It is a bit complicated than what I have read here, and there are many sides to it. Dating someone for one, two or three years and letting go is kinda tough; don't forget that no matter how terrible a person is, there is this one thing about them that you wanna die for.

    For some guys, starting a new chase is boring so they just grab the easy prey to continue the feast.
    For others, they could have married the ex but for just a serious but in the whole calculation and letting go becomes a challenge.
    And for others, they realize that the one they married is not what they thought she would be, drifting back to the ex becomes a given.
    One can go on and on in this analysis but the bottom line is that you cannot simply rationalize issues in matters concerning two adults. It is difficult not to make a trade when you have a willing buyer and a willing seller.

  10. I agree with Steele when he says part of the blame goes to the women, at times we encourage these situation especially when we have allowed ourselves to feel lonely. When that ex shows up he gives us some attention we feel good and we don't want it to stop and before we know it we are in a position thats hard to get out off. Thelma your friend and all women in such positions should know that all the power is in their hands. Your friend can step out of that situation and she will be just fine, she should move on with her life, all will be well.

  11. I think the answer to this is pure selfishness. Men are selfish in nature and will only further their objectives. Selfishness and Wickedness.


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