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Thelma Asks...


Is it ok to give your boo an ultimatum for marriage?



Relationship experts advise that when you've dated someone for a while, a reasonable period of time (I know "reasonable" period could be relative though), you both are adults and everything is fine both in your finances and in your relationship, but this person has not said anything about taking your relationship to the next level then it's time to have the "Where is this going?" talk. 

All very true and sensible actually. But what happens when you've had the talk and he assures you that he wants to be with you, have a future with you, spend the rest of his life with you etc yet he is yet to make any concrete moves towards this, does it become ok for the lady to say "if you've not put a ring on it by this time next year our relationship is over." ?


I squirm at the thought of having to give such an ultimatum but I can understand why this could become imperative. Some men (even when they have the best of intentions) are time wasters. I personally know two of such guys. One dated his chic for nine years, broke up with her and got married to someone else that same year. Of course his Ex was and still is devastated. I'm sure if she had given him an ultimatum and stuck to it she will not have wasted all those good years on him for nothing. 

The other one's story is similar too. 

Likewise as at last year my friend had been dating her boo for about a year when she told him "Look, if you don't propose and start making plans for our marriage in 2014 I'm ending this relationship". Home boy proposed early this year and they've done their Court wedding (currently planning the traditional and white weddings). 



What do you think about Ultimatums? Did you give your spouse an ultimatum? Will you give your SO an ultimatum if push comes to shove?

Men if your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum will this spur you to action or have the adverse effect? 

Let's talk. 

Comments

  1. Ultimatums should only be given strategically as calculated risks... While in a LDR, a babe gave me an ultimatum but it backfired because we were already on the last legs of the relationship anyway. If I was crazy in love with her and she chose the right time to tell me, there's a good chance it will work.

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  2. This happened to me once, sounded more like a threat than an ultimatum. I think that's what eventually ended the relationship.

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  3. Its not such a bad idea but it is a risky one.I intend giving my boo an ultimatum if I don't kno my stand by dec dis year or january 2015.I pray God see's us through.

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  4. but why must we give the guys an ultimatum ? if i have to give my bf one after we've clearly talked about marriage then that is a red flag for me.. I do not want to pressure anyone into marriage.

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  5. After my bday. I've given an ultimatum already...lol.
    I know u read this blog too,so no need leaving my identity...*kisses*

    ReplyDelete
  6. The man that I have to threaten to settle down with me may not.be for me. No one has time for all that abeg! All these big babies, nonsense!

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  7. I do not give Ultimatum per se, the first step I took after saying yes in my relationships is 2 discuss d duration and I believe in long term courtship. I am jst 22 and in my second relationship, the first one cheated and I can't marry a cheat anyway. Marriage isn't on my mind presently. Still an ajuwaya I am d one dat asked abt d addax guy. Wat ur view on long term relationship. I am having doubts abt long term relationship now

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh hey! Sorry I was paranoid, thought you were one of my friends 'cause someone just asked the same thing before you did. He's fine, we're still in touch but I don't think we'll be more than casual friends.
      @ long term relationships, I think except you begin the relationship with the intention of having a fling you should be working towards a long term relationship which could lead to something bigger in the future.
      I don't know if this has helped, maybe I don't understand what you mean? You can clarify things for me by telling me why you're having doubts.

      Delete
  8. A lot of longterm courtship doesn't lead 2 marriage, it can get boring as well. And some oda stuffs like dat sha

    ReplyDelete
  9. No need to ever give an ultimatum. Just announce to ur partner that you dont believe they are ready and you want to settle down and dont want them to feel pressured. End of story. THELMA I followed up on that testimony u posted. Its my story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok, I saw it. I'll go back and read through, sorry for the delay.

      Delete
  10. Hmmmm, this one is hard....
    Well, I think if U are sure He Looooooooves u & want to settle down with u, but taking too long, there's nothing wrong with giving him an ultimatum.
    If his intentions are pure, u'll be a Mrs, if he's a time waster, u'll be single. Its a win win,.....

    ReplyDelete
  11. People often lie to themselves otherwise you would know where your relationship is headed even if your partner is a Colombian 419!
    Better to ask where your relationship is headed so you can make proper plans for your future, a serious minded person will lay the plans out for you even if it will take an extra year to get the ring out.

    Ultimatum is not a peace time strategy! It is like trying to smoke an animal out from the bush; problem is, the animal may become aggressive and come after you!

    Play your cards wisely and you will win the game.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's nt okay 2 giv an Ultimatum 2 anyone xcept u re paying d person salary 2 deliver goods or services. If you want 2 get married, date a person dat wants 2 get married 2. U can obviously see that he is mentally ready 4 dat kind of commitment den it's easier to tell him wen u want 2 get married. Nt givin him an ultimatum. If you can't hav a civilised heart pouring conversation wit sm1 abt tins, even d ones dat embarrass you, den pls don't even tinkin of forcin him 2 marry u by givin him an ultimatum.
    But me I look forward 2 d day wen women too can propose 2 men. Dis waiting n praying annoys me. #IAmNina

    ReplyDelete
  13. I may not have to give my boo an ultimatum but he really have to define what he wants. I believe every good relationship should be well defined and I don't believe in long courtship so for crying out loud if he's wasting my time then he's got to tell me so I can shake him off and look else where.

    So as far as am concerned if one is due for marriage, fine, you don't have to rush him into it especial of he's got reasons for the delay like financial difficuities or some other reasonable person reasons.

    If you are not certain he will be with you let him know how you feel because you may be paddling the wrong boat.

    In a nutshell, I could give my boo something like an ultimatum though not really it and then if he believes am stalking him and wanna break upbetter. If he loves me he's only gonna explain things not breaking up.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hmm... Thelma, what if the guy had proposed and a year after, no wedding yet? See, this is my story and this is my first time of commenting on this blog. I met this guy when we were finishing our PG program in 2012 and i made him understand am not ready to date until i start working cuz i was enjoying my single status. We were both full time students and he swept me off my feet so i started dating him, barely two months into the relationship the guy proposed o, we had just finished school and trying to get jobs, i had reservations about the proposal but i accepted and didnt even really announce the proposal to friends cuz i know we both were not financially capable for the wedding. The proposal was december 2012, i got a job in 2013 and have been supporting him with what am earning as he is still job hunting, as i type this am so confused cuz i remember giving him an ultimatum in december 2013 that by the 1st quarter of 2014, if i dont see any commitment from him, then am leaving. I stopped wearing his ring last year, and we really fought about me not wearing the ring. I am tired of waiting and hoping... how long do i have to wait?

    ReplyDelete

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