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This Life Isn't Exactly What My Heart Expected...




Yesterday I was going to put up a couple of posts but it was a very busy day. I had a lot of stuff to do and just as I reached for my ipad I realized I had to get ready and head out for Henrietta's baby shower. We planned a surprise shower for her and we all had to get there before she did and get things in motion. 

It turned out beautifully and everyone had an awesome time. There was food and small chops and cakes and drinks in excess. I actually left there with a bottle of Ciroc vodka and Rosé, and a huge chunk of cake. That's how excessive it all was. We played games and laughed and ran around like kids but I felt anything like a kid. If anything I spent part of the night in the toilet crying my eyes out and some other part trying not to cry. 

I wasn't being a drama queen or anything but when you're surrounded by people you've known since you were a teenager and you've watched each other grow, you just somehow have this image of life, an expectation, so to speak. Back then in our teen years and early 20s we thought we'd all graduate, serve, get a job, get married, have babies, live happily ever after. But you're never actually prepared for reality. 


Reality is not graduating when you thought you would, having missing results that cannot be explained, being oppressed by lecturers that want your booty, failing law school even though you attended all the lectures, read and prayed and fasted, not getting a call up letter although you're eligible for Service, making that 2.1 yet not having a job for over three years.

Reality is getting your heart broken by the same person you entrusted with that heart, it's meeting the love of your life, having a beautiful relationship, getting engaged and then getting dumped right afterwards for no explainable reason. Reality is never been loved, watching your childhood friends get married while no guy has as much as asked for your number, it's getting married and realizing you hate him, and then realizing that you're stuck but you're going to have to make it work somehow, 

Reality is waiting for years on end after the wedding to miss your period but month after month, like clockwork your pant is stained with red, the red mocks you and makes you feel like a failure for being unable to do that one thing that you as a woman ought to do.

Reality is losing people you love, drifting apart from the same friends you thought would be there till the end, realizing that some of those friends you referred to as your sisters/brothers from another mother are actually indifferent about losing you/your friendship.   

Reality is loving your husband and waiting to welcome him home at the end of the day, only to run to embrace him but first his fist runs into you and it doesn't stop running into you for the next few hours, till a couple of your teeth are hanging loose, blood is running freely from your mouth, your eyes have become two swollen slits, your flesh is raw and bleeding... Your heart feels like it will stop at any moment yet it keeps racing rapidly, you're trying to deal with the pain while simultaneously trying to figure out what you did wrong and then having him call you a useless bitch afterwards. Yes, that happened to *Z the day before yesterday. 

This life really isn't what my heart expected. And so I cried. Because the last time I saw *R she held a promise, but last night she didn't anymore. And when she told her story to me, Lord I felt stupid but I couldn't help it, I broke down and cried, and she whom I should have been consoling was the one consoling me. I cried not only because the pain and devastation she must have felt must have been so damn severe that in her shoes I would have crumbled, completely crumbled. Yet there she stood before me, walking, talking, laughing. Strong. I cried because her strength was amazing. But mostly I cried because this was just not part of the plan! 

But then there's life and it must go on. We all had a ball yesterday and everyone ate, drank and was merry. Yet I wondered what mysteries, what pain, what fear, what sorrow, what tears lay beyond those smiles and laughter? 

That's what reality is. But life is living with the reality and trudging on, with strength, with grace, with laughter. And I thank God for life, because sometimes life can be inexplicably beautiful. 

So, yesterday was awesome and we're all so psyched about Henrietta and the baby. Henri we really do love you, we're so excited for you. And just the same way you've made so many people smile, God will continue to ALWAYS give you reasons to smile. God bless you boo. 



Comments

  1. Thelma, sincerely, this is Ur BEST post on this blog to Me!!!
    I can relate to this 150%... esp cos i've experienced the half of it. Oh Gracious heavens! Yet I have the widest smile you can ever see (Thanks to pageant days that made me learn the copy and paste smile).

    Life, My life is Nothing like I expected or walked/worked towards but I THANK God! Cos as long as I breathe, my happiness will be inevitable. No matter how long it takes, i'll be patient enough to experience it. By God I sure will.
    Tell Z, God will be her strength and see her through! Tell Henrietta Congrats...

    I wish ALL ur blog Visitors joy beyond Imagination....
    *wiping my tears *

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for coming through and go easy on the shayo.. I need to call everyone to be sure they all made it home..especially our MC of life.. Lol. I love u guys..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. Called our MC o! She didn't pick but I'm sure she's fine.

      Delete
  3. Wishing ur friend Henri a safe delivery...and to everyone smiling in pain,keep smiling nd holding on cos joy wld always come either in the morning or evening

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's life for you. I had my life planned out while in high school or let me say the next stage of my life but where am I today? I'm still on the same spot, no thanks to my mental health that has decided to keep me stagnant and messed up my life plans. Haven't gotten beyond d high school cadre 7yrs after being a ssce holder, gained admission(s) but yet I'm just not fit enough to enrol, it will be tantamount to a disaster. Now a 24yr old man wit no visible progress so far. Although I'm not so depressed about the way life has dealt me, all I want back is my health so I can take charge of my situation, oh my oh my, I'm so looking forward to dat miracle. The day God restores my general health back to normal wil be a ground breakthrough for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear,by ur faith u are healed in Jesus name...

      Delete
    2. I wanna give you a hug so bad. I don't know u but will pray for u. It is well with u. Be strong

      Delete
    3. You will receive that miracle keep on trusting in God. I love the fact that you have kept hope alive that is a great thing. You may not have gone far with your education but I believe you are great in other things. Keep the hope alive you will get your miracle, I will remember you in my prayers.

      Delete
    4. thank u all

      Delete
    5. Oh dear,sorry about how you feel. But not to worry, God is all powerful. He will heal you. Keep trusting. And don't get too worried about the pace. Some people have degrees yet no job. In time, all will be well.

      Delete
    6. There is a reason for everything. And everything works together for good to them that love God. I'm sure He'll glorify himself through your situation. Be assured, He makes all things beautiful in His time. #Enjay#

      Delete
    7. What I love about your comment is that you KNOW God will renew your health back to you fully. That's the attitude of a winner and that's obviously what you are. All will be well my darling.

      Delete
    8. Keep holding on and don't give up. Many have been in your position before and God came through for them. I remember i was just like you, I had challenges with my health though mine was just for 2 years, today I'm so healed. Guess what! God also made up for those lost time as if I didn't miss anything. You need to keep believing that your life will not end up like this. Between now and when your miracle comes, keep living, keep loving. Peace.

      Delete
  5. To everyone who's hopeful,God the creator, the all-knowing, the strength in adversity, the great provider does not fail. My heart goes out to Z*. Wishing Henrietta a safe delivery.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Sometimes, the smile on my face is just a mask I wear." If u can relate to this, then I pray that God fills your heart with overflowing joy and your mouth with unending laughter IJN. God didn't promise a life without odds, he promised to be by our side with every step we take, making it easier to go through. Be encouraged. All will be well. Its just a chapter in our lives and not the whole book. Count your blessings and be grateful for the things that did work out. Be assured, better things will come. Hugs to *Z and a safe, quick and easy delivery to Henrietta. #Enjay#

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Thelma, I just sent an email in response to this.
    atu.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thats why life is a mystery

      Delete
  8. Hmmmm, that anon reminds me of an ex high school classmate... brilliant man but was pulled outta school in SS2 due to his mental health exactly 7yrs ago and he should be 24.
    If it's him or not, I wish u more than what ur faith has in store for you.
    Ehugs

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thelma dis post so reminds me of my life. Having left skool years after my mates graduated due to missing results. I got married to my uni sweet heart. Had a child who was diagnosed wit cerebral palsy. And d doctors telling me nothing can be done. U just have to mange him. Having several unexplainable mc's after him. Oh how I cried for years. Some days I'd sit and stare outside my window and I'll be telling God " lord dis wasn't plan. Lord dis wasn't the plan, dis wasn't how I planned my life. Graduated late, no job, a special son, several mc's . Hmmmm! Lord dis wasn't the plan.
    Today my story is different. I'm not jobless, I have a 1 month old Testimony (babygirl)
    Wat is dat thing u r passing tru that has made u feel like life is not worth living,remember God is on throne. He won't forsake u, just keep remindning him of his promises. He has said he will hounor his word more than his name.
    I am living testimony that prayer changes things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pls pardon my mistakes. I'm drowsy. Lol

      Delete
    2. Aww thank for u, I rejoice with u and tap into ur testimony. We all have a story to tell. I can't wait for my testimony. But mehn the waiting period can kill. It is well with my soul

      Delete
    3. Thank u dear! Yes d waiting might seem hopeless, but he makes all things beautiful in his time
      It is well dear.

      Delete
  10. I can't believe it took me this long to see this post. Thelma this is your best post yet.
    Life can be funny mehnnn, but in all l remain hopeful for a better tomorrow and thankful for my today.

    ReplyDelete
  11. hmmm. this life sha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Reality is the worst GAME ever,I have my ups and downs too,pains I can't xplain but there's one thing am always thankful for,the greatest of all gifts,the gift of life.and also the grace to fight my battles,it can only be God and am sure things will get better

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow!! I'm at a loss for words, thelma pls hw can i contact u personally?? #babylawyer

    ReplyDelete
  14. Pretty deep and almost made me cry! Beyond all the troubles, there are too many reasons to be thankful and I do this everyday.
    To all of us looking up to God for one reason or the other, be reminded that God is still working like in the days of old and He will attend to each and every one of us at His time.

    ReplyDelete

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