Yesterday I was going to put up a couple of posts but it was a very busy day. I had a lot of stuff to do and just as I reached for my ipad I realized I had to get ready and head out for Henrietta's baby shower. We planned a surprise shower for her and we all had to get there before she did and get things in motion.
It turned out beautifully and everyone had an awesome time. There was food and small chops and cakes and drinks in excess. I actually left there with a bottle of Ciroc vodka and Rosé, and a huge chunk of cake. That's how excessive it all was. We played games and laughed and ran around like kids but I felt anything like a kid. If anything I spent part of the night in the toilet crying my eyes out and some other part trying not to cry.
I wasn't being a drama queen or anything but when you're surrounded by people you've known since you were a teenager and you've watched each other grow, you just somehow have this image of life, an expectation, so to speak. Back then in our teen years and early 20s we thought we'd all graduate, serve, get a job, get married, have babies, live happily ever after. But you're never actually prepared for reality.
Reality is not graduating when you thought you would, having missing results that cannot be explained, being oppressed by lecturers that want your booty, failing law school even though you attended all the lectures, read and prayed and fasted, not getting a call up letter although you're eligible for Service, making that 2.1 yet not having a job for over three years.
Reality is getting your heart broken by the same person you entrusted with that heart, it's meeting the love of your life, having a beautiful relationship, getting engaged and then getting dumped right afterwards for no explainable reason. Reality is never been loved, watching your childhood friends get married while no guy has as much as asked for your number, it's getting married and realizing you hate him, and then realizing that you're stuck but you're going to have to make it work somehow,
Reality is waiting for years on end after the wedding to miss your period but month after month, like clockwork your pant is stained with red, the red mocks you and makes you feel like a failure for being unable to do that one thing that you as a woman ought to do.
Reality is losing people you love, drifting apart from the same friends you thought would be there till the end, realizing that some of those friends you referred to as your sisters/brothers from another mother are actually indifferent about losing you/your friendship.
Reality is loving your husband and waiting to welcome him home at the end of the day, only to run to embrace him but first his fist runs into you and it doesn't stop running into you for the next few hours, till a couple of your teeth are hanging loose, blood is running freely from your mouth, your eyes have become two swollen slits, your flesh is raw and bleeding... Your heart feels like it will stop at any moment yet it keeps racing rapidly, you're trying to deal with the pain while simultaneously trying to figure out what you did wrong and then having him call you a useless bitch afterwards. Yes, that happened to *Z the day before yesterday.
This life really isn't what my heart expected. And so I cried. Because the last time I saw *R she held a promise, but last night she didn't anymore. And when she told her story to me, Lord I felt stupid but I couldn't help it, I broke down and cried, and she whom I should have been consoling was the one consoling me. I cried not only because the pain and devastation she must have felt must have been so damn severe that in her shoes I would have crumbled, completely crumbled. Yet there she stood before me, walking, talking, laughing. Strong. I cried because her strength was amazing. But mostly I cried because this was just not part of the plan!
But then there's life and it must go on. We all had a ball yesterday and everyone ate, drank and was merry. Yet I wondered what mysteries, what pain, what fear, what sorrow, what tears lay beyond those smiles and laughter?
That's what reality is. But life is living with the reality and trudging on, with strength, with grace, with laughter. And I thank God for life, because sometimes life can be inexplicably beautiful.
So, yesterday was awesome and we're all so psyched about Henrietta and the baby. Henri we really do love you, we're so excited for you. And just the same way you've made so many people smile, God will continue to ALWAYS give you reasons to smile. God bless you boo.