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Blog Reader Has Questions And Needs Your Advice.



One of the reasons I'm thankful for the blog is because I've gotten to meet some really amazing people. Earlier today I chatted with one of our blog readers *Fope and she shared a problem with me. We decided to put it up on the blog and get your thoughts and opinions, and possibly your advice. 


Fope has been married for a little over a year and has a baby. Two months back after a minor argument her husband moved all his things out of their room to the guest room. They've since made up and everything has gone back to normal but he has refused to move back to the bedroom saying that it's better this way and he prefers having his own space. He insists there's no harm in sleeping in separate bedrooms but Fope isn't comfortable with this arrangement. She thinks it's too soon in their marriage to sleep in separate bedrooms and also she says it has affected their bond and their sex life a little. But no matter how much she talks hubby won't move (his things) back in or let her stay in his new room. She wonders if she's overreacting and if it's normal for couples to sleep in separate rooms. 

.....
All my life my parents stayed in different bedrooms and this is how they've lived for over thirty years so I thought it was normal, and I thought it was a decision they both made (actually I thought it was my mum's idea as she's more practical than emotional). But just last week I was talking to my mum about something and she says she will never forget the day my dad moved her out of the bedroom, she said it was one of the most painful days of her marriage. But after fighting it and failing her mother asked her to pick her battles wisely and move on. I don't know if it affected their marriage (they're still happily married), I know now as an old couple they're probably better off in separate rooms but when my mum talked about it, even after thirty years the hurt was still visible. Well, like I told the blog reader, I'm not equipped to give advice on marital issues so I'm throwing it to the house. 


Statistics show that sleeping in separate rooms has it's perks. I read up on it and I found that some older couples who've been married for several years attribute part of their marriage's success to sleeping in separate rooms and doing their own individual things. (Dinner apart ke? Hell no! But I'm in support of taking separate vacations once in a while)


What are your thoughts on a married couple staying in separate bedrooms? Is it something you're currently doing or are likely to adopt? Does it really matter?

Comments

  1. Replies
    1. I think having some space might actually be good for the marriage.

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  2. Hmmmm...I don't see why I and my husband should sleep in diff roomz...my folks been married for years and they sleep in same room even when they had their Lil misunderstandings they still sleep on same bed and that's how it's been for years and to me that's maturity..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you observe that we are less tolerant of each other these days, unlike the days of our parents? Good if we can borrow from them, maybe then we can start reversing the ugly trends we see in marriages now.

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    2. Yeah...that's why I said I n my must sleep in same room come rain come shine..sad how must couples act nowadays..not encouraging atall

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  3. Yeah, separate rooms when there is serious quarrel and you need to cool off but it should not be for too long. I did it once and the night was so cold I stopped, I no fit kill myself!
    There is no point fighting it if the husband wants to make the guest room his alone; sometimes we focus so much on simple issues and they end up becoming the gorilla in our lives/marriages.
    Fope knows her husband and can get them back on the same bed in the same room. It doesn't take much to do, pretty sure she knows how.

    I gave this advice because Fope does not like the new arrangement otherwise I would say she should let it go and let the husband be. He will come around someday otherwise she better adjust to having the room to herself so she doesn't end up with health problems.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear lady,have u guys had sex since the move-out? If yes, In whose room did it happen in?
    To be honest,this is the part of marriages that scares me! Unexpected behavioural changes. He might be happy bout this new arrangement but does he care if she isn't? Babe,just keep praying...he's ur husband now!

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  5. LOL!!! Na bcos una get "rooms" na. If na ONE room apartment na where him for move go?

    Am NOT in support jooor!!! Which kin perks biko?

    All this stories make me feel I should just marry myself!!! Ayam tired biko.

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    Replies
    1. Lol I think negative marriage stories should be banned from this blog for a whole month and just focus on the good ones. We don't want to scare our single girls away........ ITS REALLY NOT THAT BAD. U know the ones telling these sad stories also have really good ones where their husbands were thoughtful and considerate and kind but no one complains when things are great. Ppl don't change overnight ooo..... And most times u attract the kind.of vibe u give out( I admit not all the time). They must have known some of these triats before saying I do. All the stories I heard about marriage also scared me before getting married but I made sure the person I married wasn't my choice alone but what I believed Was Heaven's choice for me. And God did promise that he blesses without adding sorrow thrown into the mix....these are the promises I believe and lay claim to. One advice I'll give is.
      TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART
      DO NOT AND I MEAN DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING ( or desires or list of what u think u want alone, although they play a part)
      IN YOUR DECISIONS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HIM ALONE.
      And u won't go wrong. The tides and the waves will blow, you won't always get along, yes disaster will strike and he might hurt u and u feel like giving up but that peace will never leave u and the God of peace WILL AND I MEAN will always see you thru so don't be afraid and don't be tired biko x

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    2. Well said @anuoluwa8285 this stories ain't encouraging @all for we ladies..

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    3. My dear Ruth na true tlk u tlk. I have 2 rooms in my house n d day hubby moves to d guest room him mama go com visit so ill see if he will sleep in der with her.

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    4. I swear Ruth just read my mind. I used to read a naija blog called wives connection. The kind of stories/issues these Nigerian women send in makes me nervous and think if I'm not better of gojng to a sperm bank to have children and just live alone? Haaa. It is well

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  6. Fope please find a way to get ur man back on that matrimonial bed of yours. Please please please.....why r some men so stubborn. But trust me u r his wife, it might take time but there is always a way.......

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  7. I don't think it's right. It will definitely reduce the bond you guys have. So to the solution, If he does not want to move back then turn the guest room into the matrimonial room. Sleep there almost every night, some days come in the middle of the night and say it's lonely and you cannot sleep alone. gradually start moving your things little by little to the guest room. If Mohammed refuses to go the mountain the mountain go waka go meet am.

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  8. No , I dnt like separate rooms or beds jor.Am also for having some encouraging happy couple stories on this blog oh, abeg me I am not enjoying all these spouses that keeps flipping on their better half.

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  9. Keeping our things in separate rooms I can understand but sleeping in separate rooms I really can't. I have even made up my mind that if I marry my bf I'll be bathing in a different bathroom if we are that lucky Bcos dude is allergic to all the soaps you can think of, allergic to perfume etc. So for that cause I can be sympathetic to his matter. Fope instead of fighting the situation why don't you try something with it like say stock up on sexy lingerie, pay visits to him you know seduce him, leave him half way tell him to come meet you in your room for the main event, or just pretend you are enjoying the arrangement sef and don't bother yourself with begging him to move back in. It might be possible he might wonder why all of a sudden you don't care and maybe might be aching to know why by being in your room more often. You can also look at it as a continuing courtship when you're in your room call him and talk to him and I Dont know talk about anything but moving back to the room. Even as I write this, I still can't imagine what it will be like hubby moving out of the room but hopefully you can surely make lemonades with the lemon marriage has given you.

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  10. I'm probably not in a position to give advice as i'm single but i'm of the opinion that seperate bedrooms is gud (i luuuuvvv my space) . He probably jus needs a little me time for himself, u really shouldn't overthink as long as u guys hav settled ur issues n every other thing is back to normal... #babylawyer

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    Replies
    1. My hubby and I stay in seperate rooms. He moved out not because we fought, but because I won't let him sleep wiv d a/c on. I didn't like it at all. I pleaded wiv him, promised to let him put on d */c @ night for wia. Even told him how I felt about his movinhg out and how it wasn't good. For our young marriage for wia. I was realy worried about it though he kept assuring me that it wasn't going to change nada. @ a point I stopped complianing. I let it be. He can sleep in d kitchen for all I k! As long as he gives me d thing wen I want it!

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  11. I didn't read other comments so they don't becloud my judgement- I came straight to the post comment section- its not normal to sleep in separate bedrooms.
    Let me re-phrase that, it doesn't give room for a certain intimacy, a certain type of bonding that should grow naturally between a couple.
    One of our pastors even preaches that if most couples could try, as much as possible, to do as much together (and seemingly mundane things at that), it goes a long way in cementing the bond in the said relationship.
    He advocated bathing together (and not once in a while but every time), eating together, sleeping together and, of course, praying together.
    It might seem impractical (as I indeed think some of it) but he swears by it and says his wife and himself have bathed together every single time for 15 years and that what he speaks is from his own experience.
    My own parents NEVER slept in separate bedrooms- even though my mum had/has her room which is mainly used as a dressing room.
    Well, like Thelma's grandmom told her mom, choose your battles wisely- but I still think its kinda too early..... I dunno.... It could breed a lot more than just mistrust- wouldn't you go beserk wondering what he was REALLY up to behind closed doors?
    I don't know really..... Sometimes, whilst sleeping, I may be having some kind of nightmare- a type of struggle- and hubby wakes me up to pray with him- that type of shield, protection... Just won't be there.
    Just try sha, impress it upon him- he has to see why this is important....
    Are you a "scatterer" sleeper? Do you kick, toss and turn? These could be reasons too why he thinks he needs the solitude and peace he derives from sleeping alone.
    Oops! Didn't realise I'd written TWO epistles- sorry!

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  12. I heard once that in a marriage, there needs to be "my space", "your space" and "our space". I really agree with that. However I believe the bedroom needs to be "our space". Separate closets/ bathrooms if needed, someone can comandeer the study, the other person the basement. But the bedroom oo, shared space.

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  13. Please oh!!!!!
    I have had ALL the "MY SPACE" in my 20 something years of singlehood!!!!!
    Eating alone, bathing alone, sleeping alone, etc. Don't give me space Dear Future Hubby! All the space I have Is meant for U to occupy...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruthie! Correct! I don't wnt space too.

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  14. When 2 people get married, they become one! The idea of separate rooms to me is as absurd as not eating from the same plate. A couple will bond more when they do this. Imagine if there is a misunderstanding between hubby and wifey and they sleep in separate rooms, that fight go tey o!
    If you sleep on the same bed when friction dey, touching body things dey resolve matter o! Believe me, i know! As for my vote, it's a No NO for me!

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  15. I would say, do what works for your marriage.
    I can't stand the cold but if I get off the bed, my husband would complain and turn off the fan or shut the windows.
    We don't eat together cause I eat small and slowly and reasonably warm meals. He eats the opposite of that.
    We don't bath together cause I'll probably go into shock from the cold.
    But we do other things together but we have worked out a compromise that works...for us.
    So it really is about compromising on situations that seem like a tight knot. Marriages and relationships are peculiar to the couples in them and what works for me may not work for Fope.
    I'll say therefore Fope; talk to your man and work out a mutually beneficial arrangement for you both. Whatever that turns out to be; so long as you are both happy with it and it works, enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com3:22 pm, May 16, 2014

    I do not want any space too just like Ruth opined. My parents have separate rooms, but sleep in the same, they sleep off in each others room while talking at night. I admire their bond after 30 years. Sometimes you see my mum on the rug, before you know it something has taken my daddy down to the rug too and before you know it they are curled up in each others arms like new lovers. My mum says the secret to their bond is that they never go to bed angry, they stay up and fight. Fope, please talk to your hubby, let him know how important it is for you two to always stay together as often as possible. My mum even advocates a not so large bed for the two of you, even if you are fighting, momentary body contact will remind you of the other person, think of what you did wrong on your part and possibly lead to a bad ass e******n. Who still fights his loved one after a good round?

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  17. I get having different bedrooms for some reason or the other, but as for where we'll go to sleep it has to be in the same room, on the same bed, every night. That's d way it was for my parents and how it'll be for me o! Even when they r quarreling n with their many differences they found ways for it 2 work. My dad loved the cold and the a/c, mama doesn't, their solution extra blankets ON D SAME BED! Dad was borderline OCD, mama's borderline pack-rat, solution: she has her room 2 stuff as much as she wants n he has right 2 throw away anything he wants from THEIR room! Dad sleeps like d dead with the tv on, mama's insomniac and reads till d wee hours, their solution: ear-plugs n a side lamp for her, eye-masks for him. Bottom line, no matter what we will tough it out o! While its good to have some space and personal space n time in a marriage, d bedroom is not one of d places for that biko! I suggest she finds ways to make their bedroom where they sleep together even if he retains d guest room for his clothes n stuff. D lingerie and making their room where they 'date' again suggestions sound good and could bring d spice back t their bed where it belongs. N she should never forget prayers as well. Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  18. If the quarrel is truly over,I suggest she goes over to sleep in his arms when she's sleepy,whether or not they get intimate.That would continue to foster the bond of bed- sharing.Hopefully and in good time,hubby will miss her prescence and initiate the cuddles.

    P.S This Is my very first comment.Great personalities we've got here.



    ReplyDelete

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