Yesterday as I drove along the road with *G, my mind was in a tumult, all over the place. I was angry about something. I wasn't even sure what. G said I'm going mad; why are you so angry? I gave her a list of reasons but none of them were good enough in her opinion. Well, sorry I reserve the right to be angry if I so choose. And in the middle of that anger I burst into laughter. This time around the look on her face was priceless. The babe was scared.
I didn't want to tell her why but just so I could convince my friend that I wasn't losing it right in front of her I explained it. This is a TMI moment so I would use the words mildly. So after several months of getting none on one day during the week when I came home early I found myself alone. And then I remembered that a friend of mine who deals in the sex toy trade once left a sample here (it's not news what the devil does with an idle mind). Long story short at the end of that experience I could swear the ground moved. Literally! After telling her about it she had a good laugh. When that subsided she asked.
"So've not had any???" She was shocked. My friends can't believe it, for someone as liberal as I am, especially for someone who likes to talk about sex and who in turn has people spill all the details of their sex lives to them (their sick perversions inclusive *smh*) people find it weird that I have abstained for this long.
But now the problem is that since then I felt the way Adam felt after he succumbed to Eve. When I got off the bed I couldn't face God, couldn't look up, quickly grabbed my clothes and wanted to hide underneath my bed. Needless to say I haven't even prayed since then. And in church I found I was still "ashamed". In all honesty the main reason I abstain from sex is so that I can pray. That's all (yes I know there ought to be other reasons but this is what inspired my decision). I just want to be able to pray without feeling guilty and shamed and unworthy. It's weird because I know that there are other sins that I probably commit but that one sin makes me feel a great divide from God. It also didn't help that everytime I talked with a seer (don't ask!) the one common thing they all said (and no they do not know each other) is "God loves you. But you have compromised yourself. You need to stop compromising yourself". Of course back then I thought, well God, you just have to understand.
Ok, well I stopped 'compromising' myself (and not because of any seer) but because I can get on my knees and pray whenever I need to without worrying that I will receive a slap from above at any minute. I know that's not how things work and I also know that God could bless any one regardless of their sins or lack thereof, I also know that there's a lot of room for improvement in my spiritual life. But in my mind that one thing has almost impeded my relationship and communication with the Creator.
Well, this is my confessional. Please FORGIVE ME! In truth, at this very moment I cannot promise I won't use that toy again but I can promise that when the urge arises I will fight it with every fibre of my being.
So help me God.
So, for those (trying to) live right, how do you do it?