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Confessional. (A TMI Moment).



Yesterday as I drove along the road with *G, my mind was in a tumult, all over the place. I was angry about something. I wasn't even sure what. G said I'm going mad; why are you so angry? I gave her a list of reasons but none of them were good enough in her opinion. Well, sorry I reserve the right to be angry if I so choose. And in the middle of that anger I burst into laughter. This time around the look on her face was priceless. The babe was scared. 

I didn't want to tell her why but just so I could convince my friend that I wasn't losing it right in front of her I explained it. This is a TMI moment so I would use the words mildly. So after several months of getting none on one day during the week when I came home early I found myself alone. And then I remembered that a friend of mine who deals in the sex toy trade once left a sample here (it's not news what the devil does with an idle mind). Long story short at the end of that experience I could swear the ground moved. Literally! After telling her about it she had a good laugh. When that subsided she asked.

"So've not had any???" She was shocked. My friends can't believe it, for someone as liberal as I am, especially for someone who likes to talk about sex and who in turn has people spill all the details of their sex lives to them (their sick perversions inclusive *smh*) people find it weird that I have abstained for this long. 

But now the problem is that since then I felt the way Adam felt after he succumbed to Eve. When I got off the bed I couldn't face God, couldn't look up, quickly grabbed my clothes and wanted to hide underneath my bed. Needless to say I haven't even prayed since then. And in church I found I was still "ashamed". In all honesty the main reason I abstain from sex is so that I can pray. That's all (yes I know there ought to be other reasons but this is what inspired my decision). I just want to be able to pray without feeling guilty and shamed and unworthy. It's weird because I know that there are other sins that I probably commit but that one sin makes me feel a great divide from God. It also didn't help that everytime I talked with a seer (don't ask!) the one common thing they all said (and no they do not know each other) is "God loves you. But you have compromised yourself. You need to stop compromising yourself". Of course back then I thought, well God, you just have to understand. 

Ok, well I stopped 'compromising' myself (and not because of any seer) but because I can get on my knees and pray whenever I need to without worrying that I will receive a slap from above at any minute. I know that's not how things work and I also know that God could bless any one regardless of their sins or lack thereof, I also know that there's a lot of room for improvement in my spiritual life. But in my mind that one thing has almost impeded my relationship and communication with the Creator. 

Well, this is my confessional. Please FORGIVE ME! In truth, at this very moment I cannot promise I won't use that toy again but I can promise that when the urge arises I will fight it with every fibre of my being. 
So help me God. 


...........
So, for those (trying to) live right, how do you do it?





Comments

  1. Nne,I will ask..pls what's ur "seer's" address? Lol #kidding!
    Happy sunday too...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yh,Konji is a bitch but since guys claim to have "more" blood flowing thru their veins,they are in a better position to advice on how to resist that particular devil..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thelma, quick question. I know you once mentioned that your family reads your blog. How do you talk about sex so openly knowing that they r reading. I want some of your confidence cos I wud be so shy knowing that relatives are in on my private life. I didn't grow up talking about abt sex with the family. I do enjoy your blog a lot cos it keeps me sane. We do have a lot in common. Kudos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dunno... I just happen to be unusually open about stuff. I'm trying to think of the best way to answer you but I don't think want to put that in the comment section.

      Delete
    2. Honestly Thelma, I WANT to hear that answer true, lol!

      Delete
    3. I'm 29 going on 30 so basically I'm far from being a child. Although I'm the last in my family my older siblings respect me as an adult and an individual, and we're rather open minded and more of friends than siblings. I have never pretended to be what I'm not, not even to them and though people may not think its a good idea to be vocal about such things, I don't mind being a scape goat and talking about some things that others experience but never talk about. I'm fully aware that it may be frowned upon and I may be judged for it but in all honesty I don't mind. The intention isn't to be a nuisance or to be reckless, I just like to share and maybe learn a thing or two from others.

      Delete
  4. Well, I understand U perfectly T.
    But for me, my mom has always said "Prevention is better than cure " So every sex i've had, I didn't blame the devil, cos even when my clothes go off, I can hear my conscience telling me the right thing & judging me.

    So My celibacy is working cos I abstain from being in any suggestive environment with someone I like. B4, I go shoot bird him mama fly...

    T, PLS, Throw away that toy or give it to the thou who forgot it in ur house & see if the urge won't reduce...

    I Love Ur honesty btw & U havent replied my mail...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmm...Honesty at its peak. At least, you know you need "help".

    When I wasn't born again, I never had sex. I lost it when I claimed I was born again. I had sex over and over again. I always felt guilty. Same with oga....after sex, he will say: baby, you know this is fornication and I feel more dirty and guilty and I shut God out. One thing I realised was I always did not want to do it but I end up in it. I will say...."Lemme just do the deed and afterwards I will pray".

    Its good you realise that you can't fight sexual urges on your own. Sexual urges come. If u don't feel it, u aint normal. Seek help from God. Promise yourself u won't get from anywhere....man, sex toy, fingers .e.t.c... Ask God for help again. Its important. When the urge comes, channel all the energy that comes with that moment into doing something profitable.

    When you DECIDE not to fight the urge and you give in to the temptation of the moment, forgive yourself. Don't lay the self blame and hate game. Most importantly, go back to God for forgiveness and ask for strength to carry on.
    Love U dear.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Walahi Thelma! You hit it!
    The being unable to pray, talk to God at a whim, 'shame', dirty feeling, when I do such things as you just said; only it's not a toy. Sigh! God help me.
    I tell myself, really? Is that all? All Satan has to offer? Wetin dey sweet too much dey kill! God punish devil! Then I put on my spiricoco shades and say- Lord I'm sorry, to You Oh God I commend myself!
    But then she still falls. And then, the cycle...again. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. I know about that cycle. *Sigh*

      Delete
    2. I can sooo relate to this....sigh!!!

      God help us all

      Delete
  7. Thelms, your honesty is refreshing.You are so comfortable in your own skin that its inspiring.

    This issue is same we are all fighting with, we want to be close to God yet our flesh still wanna do its thing.After we have done the deed, we feel so unclean that it drives a chasm between us and God but we must not let the chasm widen, we have to get back on our knees and ask for God's mercies.

    Wishing you and every blog reader an awesome week ahead.ehugs!

    ReplyDelete
  8. U are so open with ur life, I understand dat feeling not bcos I ve had sex but cos I ve done some crazy tins too like masturbating. Anytym I did. It affect my confidence abt my relationship with God. I ve bin able 2 stop and I am sure God will still continue 2 keep me. D trick is wen u feel d pressure. Jst leave d ous. Don't stay somewhere u can carry out d act. And thanks 4 d list of oda sensible bloggers. I ve bin reading through DR N's musings and she is amazing. Love u loads.

    ReplyDelete
  9. As Favourite and anon. 8:23 point out, it all boils down to our spirit-man knowing what is the right thing to do in the sight of God and yet finding ourselves almost overcome by our flesh.
    I had and still have those moments.
    I'm not sure these are things to spill here tho, I'll do you a mail, but, we all have these low moments when we feel we've let down God.
    My imagination goes as far as thinking of assertions I've heard of demons being in control of such sexual urges that cause us to watch porn, masturbate, et al- and wondering how that I was availing myself to them.
    And it takes some days of contrition and studying of the bible to convince myself I've been forgiven.
    Don't beat yourself up dear.
    Just keep running your race- I think everyone's relationship with God is different.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I v read ur blog for a very long tym wtout giving any comment. I guess I shld today anyway. One thing I v learnt in d course of my walk with God is dat being born again does nt mean u wouldn't v d urge to do sum bad tins bt d diff is u v a new spirit that can't sin and can control ur reactns if u want him to. I said him cos ur spirit is d real u. D only thing we v to do is renew our mind by d word of God, if what is cnstantly on our mind is d word, den for sumtin else to occupy ur mind wld b difficult. What I do when I'm in such situations is to speak d word. Mst tyms I tell myself dat I am d righetousness in Christ Jesus or dat I think on things dat are lovely, things dat r just e.t.c. I once struggled with masturbation so I knw hw u feel. I'm sorry fr d long write up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for finally commenting. Unfortunately I cannot beat my chest and say I'm born again. I try to be a better Christian and a better person but I'm still far from being like Christ.

      Delete
    2. No one can ever be like Christ without having claimed Christ as their personal Lord and saviour.

      To be born again is to accept Jesus into your life which immediately causes a renewal of your "Spirit" which is the real you.

      Man has a spirit, soul and a body.

      The real you is your spirit and not your soul or your body.

      Your soul is the intellectual/your mind

      Your body is physical

      The thing is we are naturally carnal minded and more conscious of our soul and body.

      Like Anon mentioned, once you accept Christ, your spirit CANNOT sin. You are made perfect in Christ.

      Now you have to feed your Spirit with the word of God - meditating, prayer (and best in tongues if you want, I believe this is an entitlement of every Christian, but another post for another day), the music you listen to etc, basically what you feed your senses determines what you feed your spirit as well.

      When you feed on the word, you begin to be led by your spirit as received from the Holy Spirit, the unbeliever most times thinks this is their intuition, its that nudging or just a knowing, and even a voice in your head (but you have to be careful here, not just any voice is the Holy Spirit so this take consistent practice of getting it wrong a couple of times till you know )

      You will find things that were once considered sinful which you desired become distasteful to you.

      Once we accept Jesus you are automatically like Jesus Christ, cause Christ replaces you. Even when you sin, you still have Christ in you and with you, sin does make us distant towards God but God is most there when you are sinning.

      Personally there is no condemnation in Christ, when you are sinning the trinity is NOT sitting down and saying awful things about you or looking at you with disappointment, yes it displeases God but I strongly believe God ALWAYS has good thoughts about me even in my lowest God is saying - See Nwando, my amazing daughter, I wish she knew how much I love her, how much strength and talent I have placed in her, she is my one and only, my beloved child.

      This is how God sees you.

      I believe as Christians we don't have the believer's authority, we always second guess God's love for us.

      Didn't you notice, Jesus never ever second guessed who he was and is....

      Like the woman of adultery, you are not to be condemned, just sin no more.

      Please excuse any typos, I'm at work but I just had to comment.

      Keke

      Delete
  11. O THE CYCLE OF SIN AND GUILT! I know this cycle love and know exactly how u feel! Mine gets me so low dat i have to sit @ d very last pew @ mass and God know i've waylaid priests in the oddest places for confessions (thank God they are obligated to hear confessions on demand even when there r set times) and i think d only reason my knees get used much aside 4rm d gym is 2 pray against sexual temptation! I know all about wanting and trying to keep away from sin especially in the wake of serious 'konji'! My personal advice, get rid of d toy ( know it sucks cos it feels sooo good!) bt @ d end d guilt gets worse or worse ur conscience actually deadens to the negativity of d act till u see nothing wrong with it and that does not bode well with ur walk with God. Trying t be a good Christian na hard work nne, will be praying 4 u biko cos i know just how hard this particular ish is!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thought I left a comment here..I like the fact that your conscience is alive, meaning God is talking to you! Decide to listen, throw away the toy and start occupying your mind with some other thoughts; probably good to avoid those environment that set off the triggers (you know what they are). Like one poster wrote above, the Word or songs of praise on your mind/mouth does help too.

    Eventually, you will grow to a point where you wont struggle anymore. Be aware that the devil is aware and knows your weaknesses, the further he can get you away from God, the better for him.

    We all struggle with different things but God is our help, our refuge.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Biko how does the toy satisfy? cos if man no hold me or I can't feel anything around or on top of me its useless o. Mrs M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think if u have a presonal experience with the toy,u might understand what thelma said bout "feeling the ground move" :)

      Delete
  14. So in the context of marriage biko is a sin to use sex toys?

    ReplyDelete
  15. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com2:07 pm, May 20, 2014

    THIS POST IS RATED 21. I admire your open mindedness Thelma. Learned a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMG I totally love you all, thanks for making me smile. Thank God I don't know where they sell toys o

    ReplyDelete
  17. In the context of marriage i think its ok (i'm no expert n single tho and have never asked the right people so...) But i honestly think in that context, together with ur partner it sld be ok

    ReplyDelete
  18. Proudlydarkcoloured11:26 am, June 10, 2014

    Thought i was the only one with guilt trips after its done. Its usually hard to be in a relationship these days and be celibate, my fiancée ended things cause i was doing and suddenly stopped doing, even after i told him we needed to pray and seek the Lords face on his own career oh., he could not just understand y he should be in a relationship and not be doing, to him God understands and the girls that are doing are more blessed than i am. Maybe his right , maybe am wrong but life goes on though

    ReplyDelete

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