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Dear Thelma...




Hello Thelma, 
I just posted a long comment and if it's not a problem i would want you to share this on your blog. I am constant reader and I want to say that you are doing a great job and also the people who post comments are really honest with their opinions..same goes to you as well.I want to know what you and your readers feel about my situation. 

I don't know if i'm going to regret my decision .. I broke up with my ex because i don't think I trust him. I was done with uni and moved back home which is 5 hrs away. He will be done soon and he is going to a different city and we will have to fly if we become long distance lovers. we had hiccups in our 4 yr relationship (he used to chat with random girls but he never slept with any as they were at other countries smh ). He says he was just talking to them and never meant harm but I never liked it which he eventually stopped doing. All through uni he never said he loved me because he thinks the word has been over used and he wants to say it when the time is right but he showed me he genuinely cares about me but all I wanted was to hear him say he loves me! cmon after 4 years! and you are not confident to tell me or you don't know if you really love me ? . Also I broke up with him because he is a young guy. I'm sure he wants to do what his mates do like have random sex and just play around and not be attached to someone at age 23. i don't want to be that girl at 26 or more with him and still waiting on when he will propose to me. How many men are ready to get married before 28yrs.
Will he be comfortable marrying his age mate ? I had this discussion with him but he said it was not a problem that he wants to be with me now because he really cares about me and he wants me to give him another last chance to prove it to me. I also wanted to see what is out there and just try to meet other people as my ex was my first boyfriend and first everything (from kiss to sex). I don't want to feel like I am going to miss out on someone great and also someone who isn't afraid to express himself verbally to me when it come to his emotions and feelings toward me. I had that problem with my ex as he is the shy type when it comes to these things.


it's been 2 months since we saw and he's saying he wants me back and he said will work on gaining my trust and should not lose hope on him. He has been verbally expressive now (which is shocking and exciting to me) as he said he thinks he is losing me and he does not want that to happen.He says he took our relationship for granted but he has realized that I am the best thing that happened to him since sliced bread lol. I asked him if it was just a phase because he has not seen me for a while but he says it isn't. 

Recently I also started seeing this 29 yr old guy (online) for like 3 weeks.. he's a nice guy and I think I want to give him a chance. Reason I accepted he's proposal was because i am trying to move on and see if there are better things out there. This older guy moves to fast.. in week 2 he started saying he loves me.. It is scary and I don't love him as I just started talking to him but my heart is still with my ex. This older guy plans to come visit me next 2 months as we do not live in the same country. This older guy says he cares and loves me and also he has never felt this way for someone for a long time.He asked me to be his gf and I accepted (like why not ? it's online dating but that does not mean I wont talk to other guys in my city if i find one).

This is really confusing. I still care about my ex and love him also..Our chemistry is great and all but we are mates and i don't want to feel like I will be wasting my time with him. As he's the only guy I have ever been with I dont want to feel like I will be missing out on a great guy. I dont know what the future holds for me and this older one as he is also a nice guy. he encourages me to work hard..prays with me on skype.. helps with my job search and I am psyching myself to give him a chance and get to know him. WHAT DO I DO?



........
1)"Will he be comfortable marrying his age mate ? I had this discussion with him but he said it was not a problem that he wants to be with me now because he really cares about me". 

You were talking about marriage and he said he wants to be with you "now"..? Is that what he said or did you just couch the sentence that way?

2)Some people are not verbally expressive, it doesn't mean they love you less than they should. Being 23 (and unmarried) I wouldn't exactly rush you to go and read up on Love Languages but if you do you will see that we all have different love languages. You obviously like words; verbal expressions and verbal affirmations but his love language may be different. He may prefer to express his love through his actions, gifts or acts of services to you. 

3)I can totally understand you wanting to explore and experience life. If you were my younger sister I would ask you to do that so that one day you don't begin wondering what you missed in your youth (Some people don't, some do.), this usually leads to dissatisfaction and infidelity later on. 

4)Your concerns about being the same age and if he will want to (be ready to) marry at the same time as you are very valid. While I won't encourage you to worry about marriage right now, that may be another factor to consider. Yet,( I'm not saying this because I don't wish you well), but there's no guarantee that even if you're dating an older guy when you're 26/27 he will marry you. 

5)if you get back with your boyfriend there's the issue of a long distance relationship. The good thing is that you guys already have a relationship so there's a foundation, the bad thing is that that foundation is already somewhat fraught with doubt, uncertainty and distrust, among with the other cons of long distance relationships. Now besides dealing with normal cons of long distance, the both of you are starting new lives, jobs, careers, new people, new experiences... Think about this. 

6)The Online Boyfriend. Once again if you were my younger sister I will ask you to put your slippers on your head and run. He loves you already in barely two weeks? Odi egwu! Please be careful with that guy, I don't trust his genuineness. If you must keep him in your life then please tell him you're not comfortable with the pace and take things slow. Please do not rush into sex with that guy, preferably, do not have sex with him. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I would just want you to be very very very careful with the online boo. 

In all things keep an open mind about things and also, new possibilities. 

.....
The Floor Is Open. Any advice for our blog reader? Share your thoughts. Thanks. 

Comments

  1. aww thanks thelma. As for him stating that he wants to be with me, I can't remember if he said "now". But yea, he said he is going to win me back.But I'm just chilling, focusing on myself et al. Thank you once again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Okay. Am here... Dear Anon... I don't mean to sound like a broken record but none of these guys above will be with U for the long haul...

    Like u said, how many guys get married before 28 right? I'll say 2 in a 100.
    That means u have an extra 5yrs to wait if HE is gonna marry U as 1 of the 2 exceptions.
    So i'll suggest u move ON & date other people (cos I DETEST double dating).
    As for his chatting with other babes, are they really outta the country? Did he really stop? Remember, he's 20 freaking 3!!!

    Now to the Online guy, he's just a FAKE bastard. They are everywhere. Biko be TOO careful oh. Remember that Cynthia babe that was murdered in Lagos? Learn.
    Stick to the ones u meet in real life pls & make ur decision based on your future plans for YOURSELF...

    All the Best. Shalom.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nne, i know the age mate loves you, but he may not be with you for the long haul. My first and only boyfriend ever was my age mate...sighs... It was really good for us, but in a lot of things, especially emotional expressiveness and decision taking, i was a lot more mature than him, and it was one of the numerous reasons i broke up with him... So, i ask that you just take your time as you are still young. About the long distance thing, i don't know, it depends on you and the guy working it out... I don't like it, because i want to enjoy all the romance that goes with relationships (i'm romantic like that ;))
    The other 29 year old dude doesn't love you at all, all he wants is sex (full stop!). Leave him!
    Don't worry too much, take life as it comes, and always try to do the right thing. Cheers
    - @ImpurfectHer

    ReplyDelete
  4. @geegee,

    Are you the poster? Will send you a mail instead if that's you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hmm do send your mail.

      Delete
  5. Anon 8:38 am, no offence intended but if she wanted ha identity known, she wouldn't use anonymous I believe. I believe u shd pray abt it. Let God lead u. Don't use wat u can see and feel 2 judge.

    ReplyDelete
  6. anonymous 8:38 maybe if she wanted her identity to be known she would have put it there. You can put your mail on the blog or even send it thelma and can be sent back to her. I don't think there's need to jeopardize her identity..

    Woman..I think you need a break from these people. LIKE u said, just focus on yourself and let the Lord guide you. if it's meant to be with your uni boo..it will happen. As for that 29 yr old tout. Just ignore him.Enjoy life, you are a young ghel :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Na wah for you. If someone posts an article and is asking for responses, let her answer Anon8:38am.

      Delete

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