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Ladies, Must Your Man Be Mr 'Going Somewhere'?

Earlier today when we weren't doing much at work I dropped by a friend's office very close to mine and I joined in a bit on the girl talk that was brewing. Now the person at the centre of this discourse, my friend's colleague *Dupe, is engaged. But unlike most brides to be she's soooo reluctant that you'd wonder why she hasn't called the wedding off already. It's not that she doesn't love him, she just has certain concerns.

It reminded me of someone's break up story I read about on Thought Catalogue last week. He loved his girlfriend so much and everything was perfect in the relationship except that she was someone with several qualifications, running her own business, doing very well. He on the other hand was doing ok in his job. She asked him severally to go do his Masters, some professional exams, online courses, to basically "improve himself", but he needed his job and was satisfied with it. When she got tired of asking she broke up with him saying she didn't think he was 'going somewhere'.

And that's the same situation Dupe is in. She doesn't think her fiance is 'going somewhere'. She said he has a mediocre job and is comfortable with his mediocre job, she on the other hand is a high-achiever; Lawyer, Masters degree holder, has a number of certificates for professional courses, PHD in view as well, mouth-watering résumé. Dupe wonders if she can continue to love and RESPECT an under achiever. 

(There was a little debate, it's thought that she's overreacting. And also that she doesn't know how scarce husbands are.)

But I think I could see where she's coming from, I've been in a similar situation. Dude was in his early thirties with a university degree. No regular job or anything. Yes, daddy had money and daddy had given him an apartment but I didn't see any drive or ambition in him. He was very comfortable where he was, which in my opinion wasn't very high up on anyone's ladder. Yes, he'll probably never be poor in his life but I just didn't think he was 'going somewhere' and this was one of the factors I based my decision on, I found that although I was fond of him I didn't have much respect for him. I still had/have so much I intend to achieve (with my fair share of professional qualifications minus the basic degrees) and he was ok chillin' at home watching TV all week long just because the crib was his and he didn't need to pay rent...  

So for about thirty minutes we argued. Based on this argument and answers I've gotten from others I've asked, some ladies don't care just as long as he has a job and earns a salary. A few others however want a man with ambition and drive, a man that's GOING SOMEWHERE. 

I would appreciate honest thoughts on this. Is Dupe overreacting? Should she settle (sorry, I do think it's settling)? Does it matter to you if your SO is striving to achieve bigger things or if he's just ok being just ok? Do you think it's enough that he loves, respects and treats you well or does he also have to be 'Mr Wall Street'?

I promised the girls I'll put this up on the blog and your input will be really appreciated. 


  1. I don't think she is. I won't want to settle for a man that doesn't seem to be going somewhere too. One has to be careful anyways, some men would always talk about their many ambitious aspirations but never make a move. I heard of a neighbor whose boyfriend or fiance with whom she has been with since secondary school and she was madly in love with broke up with, because she kept urging him to try to do something more professional asides his non yielding palatable income baking business. If you ask me she's lucky he broke up with her, cos having to carry the cross of being the one to spell it out that you want to end things could be a burden at times. Dupe God is your strength and will guide you.

  2. exactly i agree with eniola.

    1. or better still dupe should discuss her concerns with her fiance he may actually have plans shes not aware of

  3. Are you girls really sure of what you want and are you willing to bear the consequences? A guy that is going somewhere may end up getting somewhere only to look back and see his girl so far behind. People should be careful what they wish for!

    I don't want to be misinterpreted, a guy sitting down watching TV all day is a different case. I believe in an individual that is working, any kind of work because I know he has something doing; but dictating what we expect the guy to be doing or the kind of degrees he should have is plain silly. And looking down on people because of the kind of work they do is dumb, this is why Nigerians end up striving to be like the Jones.

    Not everbody wants to join the rat race and people should be left alone with their productive work (no matter what it is) if it makes them happy or we leave them alone and go look for a PhD holder!

    Strange enough, my wife was afraid of my accumulation of degrees and mad ambitions back then. Going somewhere sure has a price and you must live with the consequences once you pick a guy that is going somewhere

    1. Just to add on, there are guys who sit around all day doing nothing, they eat, watch TV and sleep, now such guy clearly has no ambition and is just plain lazy, meanwhile there are guys who have just a diploma but they work hard. I know of a CEO who has just a diploma.

  4. Thanks Wale. Am saying nothing else anymore...

  5. Well I think it all boils down to individual preferences. Reminds me of the gold digger -go getter post Thelma did before. If she wants a man with all those degrees and certificates then I think thats what she should go for so that she doesnt end up losing respect for her husband.

  6. I think it's important for a man to be "going somewhere". No matter where we are in life, I think we should always strive to improve ourselves. Without goals we are lost. My ex bf had an MBA, but was very comfortable in his part time position as a sports statistician. I have to say I found that disturbing, the idea that he didn't want to improve himself or strive for more. One thing that attracted me to my husband was his obvious drive and thirst to improve.
    I really don't waste my time worrying that he will leave me if he reaches his goals with my encouragement and support. If that happens, it's his loss because I'm a whole person on my own.
    Note that I hold myself to the same standard. A few years ago I finished my residency and opted for an "easy" job, thinking that was exactly what I wanted. Late last year I started to worry my brain would shrink without being challenged, now here I am back in an academic job once more.

  7. "Dupe wonders if she can continue to love and RESPECT an under achiever." Dupe should not go on with the marriage because if she can't respect her hubby the marriage might suffer. Before anything else her fiance is a man, let her look at the kind of man he is without all the Degrees, Masters and PhD, because at the end of the day what makes a man is not his high academic qualifications but who he is on the inside.

  8. It's not about just wanting to go's about actually being on your way to somewhere higher and better than where you are. Personally, at one point in my life or the other, I need a push, a motivation, an encouragement, someone to cheer me on and keep reminding me constantly that I can do better. If my better-half was complacent, it might eventually rub-off on me and the marriage. More so, a lot of men get intimidated by a woman who achieves so much; they take her every stance as pride; her every argument as disrespect. For a high-flyers, please stick with a spouse who is going 'some-wheres'; not necessarily acquiring more academical or professional qualifications, but one who aspires to go higher (and acts it) in his/her chosen profession. Aside profession, every aspect of our lives require regular improvements (profession, marriage, spiritual life etc). We should always strife to be better. However, the bottom line is it must be a two-way thing. One cannot be striving to be better while the other is complacent.


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great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
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