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Nigerian Wives. Perpetual Apologists?



I'm aware I'm not using the word 'Apologist' within the right context but that will have to do for the lack of a more appropriate word. 

Some days ago I had a conversation with a close friend. Naturally I don't hear from my married friends as often as I used to before they got hitched. Sometimes I just let them be and occasionally check on them. This was the case with *Adeola. We got talking and a short while later she says "so you couldn't even check up on me, no wonder you don't know that last month I was on admission for three weeks". 
I was surprised to say the least but this wasn't the interesting part of the story. Adeola's husband hasn't exactly ever been worthy of receiving the Hubby of The Year award but this time around he was taking his misbehavior to a whole new level.

 For several months he completely neglected ALL his duties as a husband; sexual, emotional, physical, financial and physiological. Yet, even this wasn't exactly novel for her husband. What made it different this time around was his disappearing acts. He would leave the home for days without any explanation, sometimes it could be for a night, other times it could be for a weekend but the last time it was for the entire three weeks that Adeola was in the hospital. She and other family members repeatedly called him but to all he insisted he was busy. Eventually she had to source for funds for her hospital bills herself from family members. The doctors complained that for a woman who's not yet 30 her BP was way to high and she was obviously under a lot of stress. Well, naturally, considering the fact that in addition to every other thing months ago hubby began to deny her use of the car so she now had to take the buses, keke and okada with their young daughter and we all know how crazy things can be in Lagos. 

So he comes back after three weeks and still refuses to pay his wife and kid any attention and in true Nigerian fashion a family meeting is called (Not for the first, second or third time BTW). Adeola expresses her grievances, hubby, headstrong as always says he has no comments and the next thing Adeola knows, not for the first, second, third, fourth or even seventh time, she's asked to apologize to hubby! Hmmm. For the FIRST time Adeola says NO CAN DO! No way! Enough is Enough! What am I apologizing for? What have I done? From day one he has been maltreating me and I have been apologizing even though I know I've done no wrong. I am tired of apologizing. How long do I keep apologizing? Isn't apology even an admission of GUILT? I've done nothing wrong for God's sake. And no, don't say it because I'm tired of hearing I should apologize so that peace can reign. Let peace not reign, isn't it better for there to be war just as long as we hash out the issues? I cannot continue to apologise and sweep things under the rug and suffer in silence while things continue to get worse. 

So things in Adeola's home have been at a standstill and she says at this point, she has had enough, she's ready to walk away. 

Adeola's story is just one of thousands. Just this year I've personally seen three blameless young women go on their knees and beg their husbands after being beaten by those husbands, one of them I wrote about in the This Life Isn't Exactly What My Heart Expected post. All in the name of "...Peace to reign". Peace at whose expense? 

Adeola and some other women are tired of being treated like second class citizens in their homes, having family members come in to mediate and find a common ground but instead they come in and take sides with the husbands. Yes, asking the wives to apologize even when YOU know she has done nothing wrong is taking sides with her tormentor, sorry, husband. 

I'm all for allowing peace to reign, my middle name might as well be Peace as I'm one person who's willing to stomach BS just so peace can reign but then to the best of my knowledge what happens in homes like Adeola's and several other Nigerian homes is plain injustice. 

Of course this does not happen in all Nigerian marriages but I also know it happens in many, for all I know it probably even happened in my parents' marriage. We should compromise and let go out our pride and certain natural inclinations for peace to reign but at some point a line needs to be drawn. Wives, women are people too and as such their feelings, pride and dignity needs to be respected just as much as that of their men. 

And after I read this, the reason is very simple; it's a man's world and men have egos. And we need to continue to massage that ego. Trust me I love men, I love my father and my brothers more than the very air I breathe but please, damn that EGO  talk. Women have feelings and egos too!

I wrote this because I'm hurting for Adeola, and because I know I will one day be a wife too, I'm not a better person than the Adeolas of the world so I can't deceive myself into thinking I'm too good to have this happen to me. Just maybe if I speak out now even just a little difference will be made?

Comments

  1. Most Nigerian "married" men are demi-gods. Thanks to their wives that worship them. We are in the 21st century, if you can't deal with the fact that men and women are EQUAL then really don't even try to talk to me, talk little of asking me out on a date. That's wat Omotola sed in her interview one time, that her husband doesn't apologise to her? That's just sad mehnn. Men in general need to change this chauvinistic behaviour, it's galling! I tell women, if you want to leave a healthy fulfilling life, devoid of physical n emotional abuse from men, the society, and even women please and please become a feminist. Fight for equality. It's worth it. Any man that won't treat you as an equal and expects you to always massage his ego has no self confidence, you really shouldn't be with him. Adeola just stand on your decision. He should either change or you walk out with your sanity.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well you said it, it's a man's world. Sad but true.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The reason SOME of us are still single considering this horrible attitudes from our African men... when will a married african woman be ever right in her marital home.. our parents endured all kinds of ill-treatments and thats the reason we have step-siblings. we are in the 21st century, i know its not right to seek for divorce as a christian but BIKO. enough is enough, either she parks out and find something to support herself and thier little kid or stay in there and be buried soonest..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sigh and yet..there's always a wedding on saturday.. it is well

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miss Geegee, what does that mean? Yup, saturday weddings are just a delusion into believing life is normal.

      Delete
  5. thelma, marriagec is not by force o. adeola is better off alone. some men are not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But when you're already in it its not easy to justt get up and leave, especially with a child involved. Its easier to jutt try to make it work.

      Delete
    2. I will try to make it work as long as there is no threat to my life. Once the situation degenerates to one which could take my life or jeopardize my mental and physical health, c'ommon, I'll Usain Bolt out of the door. I can only be the mother of my children when and if I am alive.

      -F

      Delete
  6. I grew up to see my mum aplogize to my dad for things she didn't need to apologize for even wen he was d one @ fault I just couldn't get it. It wasn't a surprise wen I got married and part of d advice my mum gave me was to always apologize to my husband for peace to reign "I'm sorry won't take anything away from u". Well I don't. But I apologize wen I'm @ fault not wen he is @ fault.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My two cents,I have been married for a few years and I have 7 elder brothers who taught me a lot some I wish they didn't.
    Call ur friend and tell her to apologize and to neva call family meeting unless its very serious cos she Will become the laughing stock and it doesn't help her case at all. I know it's strange believe me b4 marriage I was a no bs chick but now had to swallow ma pride.
    2) she should neva show that her husband's misbehaving gets her upset cos believe me men enjoy it when they hurt u.
    3) she should make sure she has something that gives her money.
    4) she should befriend the man s girlfriend without letting on who she is,make sure she meets her new friend and bobo,act nice and thank him for taking good care of the friend oh,sounds counter productive but believe me the man go fear. If he gets another girlfriend do the same. (Learnt this from a guy)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. what BS are you on?
      seriously? Befriend your husbands lover?
      hian

      Delete
    2. Ur obviously a female,ask any man what he would do if his wife befriended his girlfriend and was introduced to her as the boyfriend, get really all our fighting,nagging and calling names don't work. Be smart

      Delete
  8. Touchy topic and I might have my head bitten off for what I'm about to say.... You women caused it, you give men too much power, power that they do not deserve. You act like a man is doing you a favor for marrying you, you act like if he doesn't propose you will die. Look at couples at weddings, the bride is usually looking way happier than the groom, if you try to read the grooms expressions properly you'll notice that they feel they are led into a prison. Until you can find a way to reverse this, don't end up with a man that fights for your hand in marriage, that begs you to be his wife, that feels he doesn't deserve you then this will go on happening.
    I say I'm sorry to my gf, even when I think I'm right but it's not for peace to reign, it's to show her that there's nothing like male ego when one is in love with his woman. I'm not saying I do it all the time, sometimes I love the arguments but when things start to feel like I'm imposing my masculinity on her I concede.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Steele, you nailed it.
      Is it not fellow women like ours that raised these sick generation of boys we have today.
      Men advice to young mothers, teach your sons and daughters the same way, don't ever make the boy feel he's more inferior,Let him do most of the housework if possible. Let him understand he's special as a human and not a man, and don't ever tolerate his beating his sisters or talking down on them no matter how old he is.
      My point is make them equal but don't emasculate the men/boys that way we are raising the future generation of "real men".

      Delete
  9. On the opposite end I'm.the one that finds sorry difficult. Hubby is always quick to say sorry. I feel ur friends pain, I hope things get better in her home soon. Family meeting won't solve this, the hubby needs deliverance. God help us all

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is what our parents makes women do in the name of culture and tradition.saying sorry isn't the problem,if only the sorry will stop the man from misbehaving,but no,it worsen them.dear God,minister into future hubby cos I don't have the heart to go through all this wahala o.

    ReplyDelete
  11. A man will treat you according to how you allow him to treat you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Steele, GOD bless you for your comment. This post could relate to "Does the cookie have to crumble" Post. Some suggested Thelma had to apologize/make-up for excusing herself from over 20 dates from a single guy who, obviously, would not take the hint. I just kept laughing seeing such comments, even one that insulted me.

    Just as Steele said, sometimes it's the women who give men the unnecessary power over them. In marriage there MUST be communication and understanding. What stops women from demanding an explanation from their husbands who turn to idiots overnight?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When has demanding worked? My dia we have to be smart abt all this.

      Delete
  13. Every woman should read the book "Why Men Love Bitches'!
    Honestly Thelma, your friend needs to grow wings! I am with you, Steele and Memphis on this. We ascribe too much power to this men. A lot of us women believe we should sacrifice our life, joy and pride on the alter of marriage. I am not advocating an outright divorce but for God's sake, some situations demand drastic action....Should marriage be endured or enjoyed?
    -F

    ReplyDelete
  14. U'all have said it ALL.
    All humans are equal. Its neither a man's nor woman's world...

    We women always give the men the right to treat us the way they want... good or bad...

    Please ur friend should walk if it calls for it. HBP at 30-? It is a wa. Does she want her daughter to be motherless?

    Women be careful who/what u marry!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I simply pray she finds strength to move out and on. And let the humiliation, pains and traumas she's endured be her driving force to living a better life without him. May God keep her child.

    ReplyDelete
  16. to begin with, there's no smoke without fire... how long did they court? whr did they meet? did they get married on good standing abi as a result of missed period or pressure from family and friends, status, what exactly? yes humans are deep and can cover so many flaws but there are signs. He didn't just put up this new attitude over night.

    btw, life's beautiful, she shd engage her heart in pleasurable things.

    ReplyDelete

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