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On Dating Only People Who Have Schooled And Lived Abroad...





I have also met such people, as well as guys who have asked me those questions on the first date ; where did you school, where have you been, what have you seen? Typical first date questions but this time it's as regards to the Diaspora. As the answers aren't in line with their preferences you can literally see the interest slip out from their eyes, minds and hearts, and when after Date 1 you stop hearing from them it's almost no surprise. I found this post on  www.wordsmithjournal.wordpress.com  which is related directly to this topic. It isn't only an entertaining read, it is also sort of an eye-opener for me. See below:


When my friend, Miss Gidi, asked me to come up with a male version of this post I actually began by laughing. Of course it was an honour to be asked to guest post, but I didn’t fully understand exactly what was required and of course the title was funny. However, after reading through the comments (cheers peculiarlight) I now know what I need to write.
I have a particular friend who, if asked why he is single, will go on about how it’s quite hard to find a good woman in this Lagos. Note that I said ‘hard to find’ and not that these good women don’t exist, and so I fully concur with Miss Gidi’s assertion about there being lots of correct single women. But I also understand where my friend is coming from and so think i need to break some stuff down so y’all understand where I’m coming from on this.
Lagos indeed is a jungle and girls are not smiling. As much as there are some lovely women out there, there are also some wolves in sheepskin – complete with the sharp teeth! What I mean by this is that there are some girls that represent like they are the right kind of girl: down-to-earth, intelligent, family-oriented, can cook, and of course physically attractive. The problem though is that they know how to say all the right things, but if you pay attention, you’ll see that some of their words don’t match their actions. All of a sudden, they care a bit more about the glamorous life, the money, the parties and the brunches at Southern Sun. Wait, wait, what happened to all that talk about being comfortable staying at home in a t-shirt and jeans and ordering Chinese food? What happened to the “sweatpants, hair-tied, chillin with no make up on, that’s when you’re the prettiest” that Drake rapped about? Yes, most women wouldn’t be caught dead leaving the house without their war paint on, but most women I’ve spoken to admit that sometimes they just want to take a break from all the packaging. So when the girl who is comfortable staying in is more of the girl who needs to be at every social function on both sides of Third Mainland Bridge, well you can excuse a fella for being confused.
Sometimes it’s not even that convoluted. Sometimes you come across that IJGB type of babe (complete with accent) who is correct and checks all the right boxes and you feel you’ve hit the jackpot. Then one day you happen to run into her when you’re having lunch with your parents and you notice that they way she sha greeted your mother wasn’t correct. She’s a sweet girl oh, but the proper respect wasn’t accorded to your mum and being the son of a real Yoruba mother, you know you will hear about it later. Something along the lines of “Hmm, Dapo, I hope you’re not thinking of that girl as a girlfriend oh. I’m not sure she is up to snuff!” Of course if you’re Igbo then that’s a different matter, but some still hold a grudge, so watch out!
Then there’s the opposite of what I just described: the girl with all the correct attributes (that probably matter more to your parents), complete with the ability to make an incredible egusi soup. She’s pretty, has a good personality, and comes from a good family, but there is just one “problem”. She’s never lived or schooled or even traveled abroad and what makes it worse is that her thick Naija accent always reminds you of that. You see, it’s not so much that she has a strong Naija accent, but more the fact that you guys don’t have ‘The Overs’ in common.
Na lie I dey talk? Try and start a conversation with someone who no sabi M&S or Selfridges or Percy Pigs or whatever, and think about all the small, small things that you have to explain to them which you have always take for granted.  The differences between the two of you might all of a sudden become even more glaring. You might start wondering if that person will ‘disgrace’ you if you travelled together or hung around your other Janded friends.  It’s unfair, but I’m just keeping it real. I’ve met guys who refuse to date a woman who has not gone to school (undergraduate degree) abroad, which is stupid because na condition wey make crayfish bend. Not to mention that it doesn’t necessarily mean anything because there are plenty of ‘Janded’ women who probably speak worse English than your househelp. As a guy who has been molded by the Overs, your wife should also be of like constitution, and the truth is you can’t really blame a guy for thinking that way. It’s all about having things in common isn’t?
Diatribe aside, these are actual considerations for a lot of guys. If you come from one of those tush families that went to Eton with awon Prince William and then you say you want to bring a girl that has only been to Ghana as wife, your family might just slam the door in your face. On the other hand a number of guys want to be seen as having ‘married up’ and so ignore other girls and go for the Janded girl that has all the right packaging because they want to portray success. Again another ridiculous, but still valid concern for a Naija guy.
The truth is, for me, that finding a wife in Nigeria is not a straight shot. It’s easier for men than women, I’ll concede to that, but it’s not altogether easy. And when I’m talking about wife, I actually do mean a correct/proper wife that you’re proud to be associated and who you feel will bring up your children well. Not the kind of women who will just help you rear street urchins that will be disgracing you up and down. I’m a progressive man, but I’m still a Nigerian man and certain things remain true and chief among those is making sure you are a credit to your family and the society around you. You don’t have to speak like Barack Obama, but you have to have the intelligence and constitution that will always make you stand tall, no matter whose company you’re in.
And for that, you need the right kind of woman; an oasis in the desert, a diamond in the rough. And like diamonds and oases, that stuff just ain’t that easy to find.

Comments

  1. Its true. its never easy dating or marrying outside your circle. I don't care if you call it shallow or not but I will rather date and marry someone from a similar background and experiences as me. I can't be talking about a gallery opening I attended in Manhattan and you'll be cluelessly staring at me. #justsaying.

    ReplyDelete
  2. honestly, no words, seriously Im in shock that this is an issue.
    All I remember is one of Bianca's interview back in the days on why she resorted to marrying the Ikemba and amongst the plethora of reasons one stood out, she said "we could understand and laugh at the same jokes".
    It makes sense as a just return from AMERICAH or whatever the heck we are referred to , my husband cannot relate to some american jokes, does it affect our marriage, bloody hell no, so I believe theres obviously a superficial underlying factor to all of this.
    To each his own!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Social orientation and valye system are very important to a relationship. Folks need to stop acting ljke it isnt. I grew up witb an America mother, I say what's up to greet my mom, I call her by her nickname which is a derivation of her name. My nigerian socialised ex bfs havent been able to understand that, to them its rude. I found myself a half naija husband who understands my reality. We can laugh at Seinfeld together, he isn't alarmed when my mom calls my phone or starts a conversation with "girl let me tell you something".
    everybody's reality is different and people are looking at the issue from a social status standpoint. It has very little to do with money or last name. It has to do with being able to understand and interact with your partner

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. You just did... If you try to post and it doesn't please try again. It happens that way sometimes. Ndo.

      Delete
  5. okwa dat igbo girl4:10 pm, May 11, 2014

    Hmmmm anyways I think ppl that have that mentality are very narrow abi closed minded (as I no go Eton). Anyways so le boo not only schooled abroad he is extremely well traveled but guess what, he can't stand any girl who feels on top of the world because she did school abroad. Truth is I do feel intimidated sometimes because not only is he an only son from an affluent home, on his own he makes over good money without support from his dad. His sisters are well traveled too and did school abroad. Well after waiting for the man that understands their reality they married someone whose reality they just had to imbibe don't get me wrong oh, they married correct guys who didn't school abroad. Anyways it's possible my boo does want me to have a handed certificate in my CV cos he has not only suggested online international courses I could do, he has gone ahead to pay for it and not just that, gotten me a lappy complete with modem I would use to study for it. He did say when i'm done with the first one I could choose any other one I would like to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. okwa that igbo girl4:22 pm, May 11, 2014

      I meant janded not handed* anyways moral of my story, don't always look for the easy way out. If you meet a girl you like but doesn't have your privileged background you can always make her understand your reality. And one day I hissed and said I want to travel and his was like where, I said Dubai guess what he said? He said I was even looking at Dubai tickets this afternoon when bidding season is over, we will go. Now I'm not over anticipating the Dubai but the fact he mentioned we will go in the matter is enough for me.
      PS. I have never even been to any naija border talkless of crossing it

      Delete
    2. Nne,pls keep this gist flowing...lols
      When ur dating a real guy,no matter his account balance,spending on his woman isn't an issue!
      Btw,are u married to this guy? Your reply wld give many a perspective to things

      Delete
    3. okwa that igbo girl9:21 pm, May 12, 2014

      my dear i'm not oh. hopefully it will end there.

      Delete
  6. Lucky u @okwa dat igbo girl #sussy

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sorry but I agree and mine is even because I've noticed that the naija trained dudes r the worst behaved really. So basically, I could never date or a marry a nigerian educated/trained guy. Just my opinion. Its better to just stick to ur class and social circle. Just like someone said, I can't be talking about my 'A' level days at Cambridge and then u look at me like wtf is she on about....but more importantly,like I said before, apart from the fact that they aren't 'polished', its the guys that have gone to OSU,unilag,OAU etc that end up being badly behaved. My opinion. My own experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sweetie my brother did all his schooling in nigeria but is a british cvitizen by birth, guess who married his esut graduate ass? a girl a nigerian born sweetheart whose parents were fortunate enough to send her abroad to study. why didnt she stick to her class?
      please help me define class?

      Delete
  8. I actually agree. you guys just have nothing in common, you might find hanging out with each other's family and friends a big chore. having to explain things all the time and also having a different outlook on life could put a strain on things.

    ReplyDelete
  9. so I went on a date with a friend and throughout the date all he asked was are u a citizen? are ur sisters kids citizens? how did they become citizens? meanwhile dude is a citizen of his village! though he had a good job. later got to find out that he wanted to marry a citizen of the USA so he can be an RN and work!! for him it wasn't about the the understanding but he had a complex

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry,So she can work for him; funny am not a citizen of USA for personal reasons, but I got admission to study a course will make twice what an RN makes as basic salary without overtime

      Delete
  10. Sompple are just fake! You know today but you don't know 2moro. That your mumu Nigerian GF might become a world class Professor tomorrow. I don't care if you schooled abroad or not. All I ask 4 is potentials, drive n determination then love n respect 4 me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't think dating someone who has never lived outside Nigeria should be an issue. There are foreigners from abroad who are in marriages with native Africans who have never set foot abroad and they are happy. People should learn to be humble

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. VERY GOOD perspective here!

      Delete
  12. And so the rate of divorce keeps soaring as people keep marrying for/with all the wrong reasons!!!

    ReplyDelete

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