I have also met such people, as well as guys who have asked me those questions on the first date ; where did you school, where have you been, what have you seen? Typical first date questions but this time it's as regards to the Diaspora. As the answers aren't in line with their preferences you can literally see the interest slip out from their eyes, minds and hearts, and when after Date 1 you stop hearing from them it's almost no surprise. I found this post on www.wordsmithjournal.wordpress.com which is related directly to this topic. It isn't only an entertaining read, it is also sort of an eye-opener for me. See below:
When my friend, Miss Gidi, asked me to come up with a male version of this post I actually began by laughing. Of course it was an honour to be asked to guest post, but I didn’t fully understand exactly what was required and of course the title was funny. However, after reading through the comments (cheers peculiarlight) I now know what I need to write.
I have a particular friend who, if asked why he is single, will go on about how it’s quite hard to find a good woman in this Lagos. Note that I said ‘hard to find’ and not that these good women don’t exist, and so I fully concur with Miss Gidi’s assertion about there being lots of correct single women. But I also understand where my friend is coming from and so think i need to break some stuff down so y’all understand where I’m coming from on this.
Lagos indeed is a jungle and girls are not smiling. As much as there are some lovely women out there, there are also some wolves in sheepskin – complete with the sharp teeth! What I mean by this is that there are some girls that represent like they are the right kind of girl: down-to-earth, intelligent, family-oriented, can cook, and of course physically attractive. The problem though is that they know how to say all the right things, but if you pay attention, you’ll see that some of their words don’t match their actions. All of a sudden, they care a bit more about the glamorous life, the money, the parties and the brunches at Southern Sun. Wait, wait, what happened to all that talk about being comfortable staying at home in a t-shirt and jeans and ordering Chinese food? What happened to the “sweatpants, hair-tied, chillin with no make up on, that’s when you’re the prettiest” that Drake rapped about? Yes, most women wouldn’t be caught dead leaving the house without their war paint on, but most women I’ve spoken to admit that sometimes they just want to take a break from all the packaging. So when the girl who is comfortable staying in is more of the girl who needs to be at every social function on both sides of Third Mainland Bridge, well you can excuse a fella for being confused.
Sometimes it’s not even that convoluted. Sometimes you come across that IJGB type of babe (complete with accent) who is correct and checks all the right boxes and you feel you’ve hit the jackpot. Then one day you happen to run into her when you’re having lunch with your parents and you notice that they way she sha greeted your mother wasn’t correct. She’s a sweet girl oh, but the proper respect wasn’t accorded to your mum and being the son of a real Yoruba mother, you know you will hear about it later. Something along the lines of “Hmm, Dapo, I hope you’re not thinking of that girl as a girlfriend oh. I’m not sure she is up to snuff!” Of course if you’re Igbo then that’s a different matter, but some still hold a grudge, so watch out!
Then there’s the opposite of what I just described: the girl with all the correct attributes (that probably matter more to your parents), complete with the ability to make an incredible egusi soup. She’s pretty, has a good personality, and comes from a good family, but there is just one “problem”. She’s never lived or schooled or even traveled abroad and what makes it worse is that her thick Naija accent always reminds you of that. You see, it’s not so much that she has a strong Naija accent, but more the fact that you guys don’t have ‘The Overs’ in common.
Na lie I dey talk? Try and start a conversation with someone who no sabi M&S or Selfridges or Percy Pigs or whatever, and think about all the small, small things that you have to explain to them which you have always take for granted. The differences between the two of you might all of a sudden become even more glaring. You might start wondering if that person will ‘disgrace’ you if you travelled together or hung around your other Janded friends. It’s unfair, but I’m just keeping it real. I’ve met guys who refuse to date a woman who has not gone to school (undergraduate degree) abroad, which is stupid because na condition wey make crayfish bend. Not to mention that it doesn’t necessarily mean anything because there are plenty of ‘Janded’ women who probably speak worse English than your househelp. As a guy who has been molded by the Overs, your wife should also be of like constitution, and the truth is you can’t really blame a guy for thinking that way. It’s all about having things in common isn’t?
Diatribe aside, these are actual considerations for a lot of guys. If you come from one of those tush families that went to Eton with awon Prince William and then you say you want to bring a girl that has only been to Ghana as wife, your family might just slam the door in your face. On the other hand a number of guys want to be seen as having ‘married up’ and so ignore other girls and go for the Janded girl that has all the right packaging because they want to portray success. Again another ridiculous, but still valid concern for a Naija guy.
The truth is, for me, that finding a wife in Nigeria is not a straight shot. It’s easier for men than women, I’ll concede to that, but it’s not altogether easy. And when I’m talking about wife, I actually do mean a correct/proper wife that you’re proud to be associated and who you feel will bring up your children well. Not the kind of women who will just help you rear street urchins that will be disgracing you up and down. I’m a progressive man, but I’m still a Nigerian man and certain things remain true and chief among those is making sure you are a credit to your family and the society around you. You don’t have to speak like Barack Obama, but you have to have the intelligence and constitution that will always make you stand tall, no matter whose company you’re in.
And for that, you need the right kind of woman; an oasis in the desert, a diamond in the rough. And like diamonds and oases, that stuff just ain’t that easy to find.