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The Things He Said...

"Husband no dey Lagos, all na film trick". 
"Cold dey o! Everybody needs 'blanket' "
"You're getting too old to be doing like this"
"Men are very sensitive, we are like babies"
"Men are very afraid of marriage, every man is, it's scary. That commitment is scary, so understand that sometimes it's not personal, it's just fear". 
"Thelma stop trying to control things. If you take this your attitude into marriage then you might ruin it." 
"You don't submit. Thelma you need to learn to submit. Do you know what submission does? It makes your man serve you."

These were some of the things he said to me. Who's he? My boss's friend, a lawyer, 'senior counsel', relationship/marriage counsellor *Barr Bayo. And what happened? you might ask. Well he came into the office and sat with us and at some point *David called me and I was short with him; why are you calling me? You called me this morning? Why are you calling again? What do you want? 

After I expressed my annoyance to the best of my ability and assured him that no, I don't miss him anymore I hung up and tried to focus on my work. Barr Bayo just kept staring at me and then asked what that was all about. Then I told him.... David got on my nerves... No he's not my boyfriend, my friend... Do I love him, well yes, he's my friend.... Ok yes I do love him but he expressly said he's not getting married, not in the next few years, and I don't have "the next few years". Well sir, besides that I'm really not attracted to a lover. I know he'll make an amazing husband and a great father but...

"Aha!" He exclaimed. "What else is there? You've already said he will make a great husband, what else is there?"

"My dear, you love this guy and he loves you. He has been asking you out for two years. TWO 
YEARS! Sit him down and talk to me. Tell him what you want. Lay out your cards on the table. Look, when I was asking my wife out she said to be 'o boy, I don't have time for this one o!. If you want me then come and meet my people otherwise let me go', I thought about it, I wasn't ready to marry for the next few years but then again I didn't want to lose her. So I decided to be brave, I made up my mind and six months after I met my wife I married her." He added that they've been married for several years and he's very happy she pushed him to get married. 

"Yes attraction is good but it will come with love. Attraction is secondary. You love him, you know he will make a good husband. That's the best thing you could have said". 

So we talked about it and he urged me to talk to David. But I thought about it; David's biracial and more European than Nigerian and thinks marriage is a protocol that can easily be dispensed with, or at best, we could live together as a couple. If we must get married why don't we hold it off for some years. But he urged me still to talk to David, to stop doing shakara and basically give him an ultimatum... Hmmm *thinking*. 

But the greatest thing I got from that conversation was where he said that he wasn't ready to get married but when his wife gave him an ultimatum, he knew he didn't want to lose her so he decided to sit up and do right by her. So I think this answers my questions on ultimatums. A guy who loves you and doesn't want to lose you will do what it takes to keep you, and if that thing is throwing in the towel and wedding you, then so be it! 

As for me and my issues I honestly think the time has come to hand these matters over to God and just ask for grace and wisdom.  

I hope your week is going well? Have a peaceful night's rest lovers!


  1. Yep,a guy who loves you and doesn't want to lose you will do what it takes to keep you, and if that thing is throwing in the towel and wedding you, then so be it! (this includes fixing ur car when its broken or giving u part of the money for it...)

    1. Hehehe. This "fixing car" ish has been bugging you since.

    2. Lols...I'll be honest,it has o...and I still can't understand why the bf (unless he isn't taking her serious) wld actually let it generate to a fight while insisting he owes her nothing

    3. @ sasha me too I still don't get it. That guy is really not for her. My own BF gets angry is as much as service my car without telling him and telling him means he'll pay for it. The most annoying of em all is d post where the BF asked her to come push the car.. Kaii, some men sha o.
      Men don't love often, but when they love, they love HARD. When a man loves you, you will know, he will do everything and anything to be with you. So in giving ultimatums, ensure the guy in question is in love with you, otherwise it just might not work.

    4. Lol. Ok wait...let me get this straight. From that Post about whether it's a man's responsibility to fix his girlfriend's car, I also want to know if the woman should assume the responsibility of a wife to her boyfriend. Since the major argument was that they were not married, and hence she shouldn't be demanding anything, especially when she's in a comfortable position to help herself.

    5. on the fixing car issue, let me introvert that and ask what the lady will do if the guy also demands she should ensure he has food in his fridge to eat whenever he wants OR she should ensure his laundry is done OR he should have sexual pleasure ON DEMAND whenever he pleases?

    6. Maybe she does,we wldnt know. Now memphis,I know ur a guy (and I think ur married),now in all sincerity do u think a guy wld outrightly say No and still insist on the No and even fight over the No when his GF asks him for cash when we both know he has the money? In that post,I commented that we all do a random poll on guys who are in serious relationships using their GF hypothetically.
      There are many ways of a guy saying No but if he says it outrightly and fights over it,its a Red alert for me!
      Now in the pushing car,I didn't give an opinionm cos everyone was very biased. They didn't judge the two car scenarios fairly even when they all knew neither of the girls was married to the guys

    7. One Q I need that poster to answer is: is this her 1st car-fixing request? How long hv they been dating? How much is the money in Question?
      Ladies pls do not give ur bf soft landing and complain bout the same thing when he becomes ur husband!

  2. That d best decision u can ever make and you will be proud you did! Afterall,your life is in his hands,so,u don't have to worry!thelma,I wish you all that I wish myself....

  3. It is well. This david sounds like a keeper. And its true. A man that loves you will do what it takes even if that means marriage.

  4. What he said about submission is true but most women fail to see it, especially all these supposed feminists that say I can never submit. Get some sense. Submitting makes your man SERVE you and do your every bidding.

  5. Pls give me an example of submission making a man to serve u. I seriously don't understand. Give an instance. I'm curious.

  6. LOL... These Anons are so funny! Kai, Nne give her the instance biko.

    Memphis Nice question oh! Women who expect their boyfriend to take up the role of Husbands should also act like wives oh!!!
    The whole Cooking, Cleaning, Giving him kids, etc!!! Una think say na only to service car? Ordinary service car? Ha!!!

    If am a guy, NO, I won't ask my gf to push my spoilt car that we were BOTH cruising in b4 it happened, but she freaking not remain in that car while I push or ask others to help. If my gf is useless to me at that point, she should get a cab & disappear from that spot & my life.

    What is good for the goose is good for the gander.
    U'all that are looking for gender equality should step up & be an equal....

    1. So the only role a husband has is giving his wife money? That's the only difference btwn a husband and a boyfriend? Hmm..

  7. I think we all should study the ppl we are with and not just use the 'if he really loves me' yardstick. Yes submission to an extent is key, but not always oh only to an extent. I once used the if he really loves me theory on a particular guy Bcos my friends were like, what kinda guy does not spend on his gf? Hmmm if it were my bf he would this/that. Now for the first time in my life I asked this guy for money that I didn't need, he said the next day I said OK I expected him to just give it to me but he didn't instead he said I would use it for hair and stuff. I was angry but I didn't show it the on our way to get lunch, I asked him to stop me at an ATM, I withdrew more than what I asked for and asked him to stop at some place I buy weavon, the girl there brought out my weavon I paid her and we left, again I asked him to stop by some place else, the girl brought out the clothes I picked out, I paid her and we then left, all the while still gisting nonchalantly but I could see that he wasn't sitting pretty in that seat. Now I know this guy and know that if I insisted on him giving me the money, I would have ended up feeling stupid. However after that incident, all I had to do was just mention in passing what I wanted and he would be quick to do it. For instance I needed a new phone so in the course of our gist I mentioned I was going to get a new phone the next day, he said OK we'll go get it tomorrow and we did this is just an instance amongst others. It is very possible that if I asked him to get me anew phone and backed it up with the argument you have to do it because that's what boyfriends do well I might not have gotten a new phone Bcos really I wasn't gonna get any new phone but I knew if I mentioned it casually he would get it. So the key to me is studying the person you are with and not just use the if he loves me yardstick.

    1. Nice strategy but did ur BF say No outrightly and still insist on his No on the premise that he's just ur BF? But in ur instance u were Testing ur BF,assuming u really did need money for serious stuff and he said No cos he's just a BF and owes u nothing,wldnt u re-evaluate him and wonder the kind of husband he wld be to u?

    2. Lol when you put it that way hmmmmmmmm. Anyways since that was the first time I had ever asked him of anything I didn't judge him by that very action but I'm glad he took a hint.

  8. Sorry Nwando from digressing. I forgot to conclude my write up. I also believed the manner in which she asked him to help her fix her car also mattered just like the pushing car girl the manner in which she acted in that situation mattered too. But wait oh, what's the big deal in pushing car sef? Busy or no busy road? I've been in a situation where I lost a tire, the guys around thought I was gonna ask for help, I proceeded to changing the tire before I could even unscrew the first nut, those same men that where there waiting for me to ask for help ran to help me with it. I believe if her first reaction was coming out of the car and asking baby what should we do? I bet you she might have ended up doing absolutely nothing but that guy would have loved her more.
    Ehe back to nwando's gist, I really Dont know what to say but I know that if the right one came along, everything will balanced. Ma love oh, ma submission etc

    1. Ha! Uju by all means pls digress at will. I'm loving the various digressions.

  9. I love the way you analysed the situation. You are very wise. 10000 likes.

  10. Uju nalu aka!Probablythe girl just sat there showing no form of concern,we have to be fair to the guys knowing how some girls can be.She should have made an attempt.What do you mean by busy road,if my boo is standing by that busy road babe I'll be standing next to him.

  11. What happened to the days where is was so much fun to push cars together. Back in the day, the only cars we had were the papa dash me which turned everyone (girls alike) to automatic mechanics and we did not care. Going to parties in a combi bus/ beetle/ 404 etc and we did not care. We had mad fun. What happened to long strolls and long gist timelines. What happened to not worrying about months in passing before the first kiss. What happened to genuine friendship between the sexes when presents were as cheap and as sincere as they came.Our values and morals in relationships are gone and its more of a brain game. Overnight, there is a premium on everything....the socio-economic status is everything now. How my heart bleeds that i cannot re-live the days of yesterday. Folks these days dont get is not a game/ play and should not be taken for granted

  12. I'm I the only one who's head is spinning over this?
    Pls why is ok for boyfriend A not to give GF A money to fix her broken car? But u guys want GF B to push boyfriend B broken car?

  13. You people have derailed the gist now!

    1. Ma binu...but I have a feeling its gonna creep up in another post! Lols

  14. Why is it that when the girl had a car problem,you all say the bf doesn't hv to be involved after all its her car yet when a guy has his own car issues,u all say she shld hv come to his rescue...

    1. Nah, you're missing the point on the "Push Car" issue. Ok...let's forget it's between a guy and his gf, let's take you and your BFF for instance. You're driving and in the middle of a wonderful conversation the engine coughs. You then come down and think of how you'll move the car, and in the crazy sun (or rain) your friend has her bum glued to her seat. What would be your reaction to that gesture?

    2. Nne m only the two of them knew what transpired sha. I only judged the 'repair car' girl with the tone behind the post and I could picture her putting it to her bf that he just had to repair the car because it was his role which I honestly don't believe it is but would have loved it if he took the initiative to do it. For me it just boils down to the manner in which she asked. The 'push car' girl was just plain selfish. To me itjust screamed fair weather ggirlfriend. If she is good enough to ride in it, she might as well be good enough to help push it.

    3. Why are u both focusing on Push-car issue and not give-me-money issue? She offered to push right? Did the BF of the other girl offer her anything?
      I might not be a lawyer but its truly unfair the way u guys are judging this two similar cases. Is it because money is involved that everyone is defending the BF?

    4. Error..."She offered to man the wheels of the car"

  15. Its like I'm bursting a brain cell over this...sorry!

  16. Ok! Since it looks like this 'push car' 'give money' issues are here to stay, my two cents on the matter are these: In both it boils down to how she said it! For d 'give money' issue, while he's not obligated to give her money to fix her car, he still could have, if he had it and if she asks and by ask i don't mean demand. on the pushing car issue, i personally believe sitting in the car sends a bad message. I don't expect her to push the car, but at least have the courtesy to come out of the car and offer to help, People forget that help could be be as small as expressing concern (which a good person, gf or not should anyways). The chances that he'll even let u push the car are slim if he's a well mannered man in the first place but she should have done her part and shown some manners by offering to help, even if its just for lip service. Besides sitting in the car because it spoilt on a busy road kinda sounds a bit self-absorbed. Memphis' mental picture of f it was a bff n not a bf makes sense n we all know she won't sit in d car if t was a bff.

  17. And T on d actual matter @ hand, I think u should apply the 5-rule test to this: think of 5 non-negotiable qualities u want in a spouse and cross it with our guy, if he has em think if u have any modicum of attraction for him (unfortunately u have to have some kind of attraction for a guy biko. If not he cld be d cross-product of Denzel and Gerald Butler from d loins of Eros himself n u'll still find life with him dull as dishwater) and if u do then u can consider if u can have a life n issuing ultimatums.


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He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
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