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Thelma Asks...

I think this type of cheating is even more dangerous than the actual (sexual) cheating. This is more subtle, deeper and usually lasts much longer. Also because it's subtle the cheats rarely get caught by their partners. Because it's not physical it's easy for one to convince oneself that they're doing nothing wrong. 

I'm referring to emotional cheating. The kind where you guys aren't physical. You don't and probably have never had sex but your feelings for each other run deep, sometimes you love them even more than you love your spouse or partner. I'll use my friend *Bidemi as an example since she's the reason we got into the argument in the first place (a few of us argued about this).

 Bidemi and *Ahmed had been friends before she got married. Ahmed was married so he and Bidemi couldn't be anything more. Now she's married but there's no denying that she loves Ahmed much more than she loves her hubby (she doesn't deny this), she speaks to Ahmed when she wakes up and he's the last person she talks to at night. She tells him EVERYTHING about everything; her job, finances, hubby, children, problems at home, hubby's slip-ups, what they had for dinner, everything! When something happens in her life he's the first to know; when she found out she was pregnant, when her baby cut her first tooth, took her first step etc. When she's feeling low it's Ahmed she talks to, when she's happy it's Ahmed she talks to, when something happens at work it's Ahmed she talks to. When we're all hanging out and something exciting happens she immediately calls Ahmed to tell him. And sometimes when she's horny she also calls Ahmed; just to "gist him". 

I've said times without number that she should end this affair, in my opinion it's an affair! I've told her she's committing adultery and she should have ended things with Ahmed the minute she got married. 

She calls Bullshit! As far as Bidemi is concerned what I'm saying makes no sense, she's not sleeping with Ahmed and rarely sees him in person so how can I tell her she's cheating on hubby. She has done no wrong and Ahmed is just a friend. Her conscience is clear, she has nothing to hide. 

So to this I asked her a question. As far as I was concerned this will be the ultimate test. : Bidemi if you've done no wrong and you have nothing to hide, can you give your husband your phone and let him read your chats with Ahmed?

Everytime we get to this point Bidemi gets very quiet. It dawns on her (which I'm sure it did long ago) that her "friendship" with Ahmed is not so innocent after all. It's at this point that she can no longer deny or rationalize the facts. 

Please know that I'm not judging my friend Bidemi. I never judge because I can't predict what I will do in a situation, I may do worse even. Yet I'm genuinely concerned, and although I don't judge I find it distasteful, to put it mildly. 

So here's the deal guys, I've got a number of questions:

Is this cheating; is emotional cheating cheating?
Is it more pardonable than sexual/physical infidelity?
Have you ever been in an emotional affair with someone else other than your partner? If yes, why do you think it happened?
How will you feel if your spouse was in a deep emotional affair with someone else; will you be indifferent because there's no sex involved or will you feel cheated?

Let's Talk. 


  1. I agree with you Thelma that it is cheating...emotional cheating. I believe both physical and emotional cheating are of equal weighings.
    To commit adultery is to have sexual relations outside of marriage, many will think of just physical cheating. But in the bible, (yes I am going Christian on this matter) Jesus taught that indulgence in adulterous thoughts could be just as harmful to the soul as actual adultery, and it is clear that both carry the same weight of guilt:
    "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

  2. your friend needs to end that romance before it blows up in her face and why didn't she marry aboki lol ? As for your questions.. emotional cheating is cheating..It should not be pardonable but unfortunately we (mostly females) forgive their partners. I have been in an emotional affair and that is because we reconnected and my relationship was on shaky grounds...and boy did I fall in too deep. I will feel sad if i catch my partner because it's serious..i mean you are investing feelings and other emotions into that mess so yea it's tough.

  3. Ild rather have my boyfriend sleep with ten women with no strings attached n of course with protection, than have him emotionally attached to one. That's the highest point of betrayal. That's when cheating is unforgivable. What your friend is doing is wrong. She should stop justifying it.

  4. @Ifesinachi, ur ON POINT.
    I would rather have my man sleep with a 100 women with protection, knowing it's "just sex" than having "an emotional attachment" with one girl.

    Emotional cheating is WORSE than Sexual cheating. How?
    Check out the HARM it does! To the 3 people involved. U begin to neglect ur original partner. Intentionally or not.

    Please ur friend should QUIT that ADULTEROUS relationship ASAP!!!
    else she'll be breaking her home & a Virtuous woman BUILDS her home. *My2Cents.

    Oh, & T, my comment in the last post wasn't about ur inability to upload a post last night (of course we all go blank), it's just some emotional stuffs am dealing with ATM.

  5. Judging by the analysis you listed up of the kind of conversations they have, she is so cheating on hubby. Once I read my ex-boyfriend's chat requesting for a girl's picture, not even nude o, just a picture of what she looked like right then. One girl in Ghana I knew he had never met. I sure felt insecure and made him delete her from his contact immediately. They say, ''when you are happy, you go to the one you love most and when sad, you go to the one that loves you most, you're lucky/blessed if both are one and same person'' Ahmed seems to be both to her. She is cheating.

  6. Thelma,i read ur blog everyday.. icnt help buh commend hw creative ur write ups are and hw interesting ur blog is..its quite diff.frm d rest of em blogs... kip it up and plssss we need more stories n posts... luv u much hunie...*Est!e

    1. Yay! Thanks a thousand times over. God bless...

  7. yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

  8. I had to go under anonymous to drop my comment.
    I'm presently in an emotional relationship with a guy, he's married and I'm single. #Don'tJudgeMe.. I'm working on ending it, it's hard but I will keep working on it.

    1. Lol...the Lord is ur strength.
      Were u the same person who yawned? #just asking...lolz

    2. It's hard. But one thing abt dis kind of R/ships is that if you have feelings 4 d guy, it would end faster than u tink bcos u would want more and he won't be able to give u. Then you would have to leave. OR your guilt wud begin to show and he wud start feelin uncomfortable. OR dat perfect single guy wud come and sweep you off your feet. Just pray and start detaching yourself small small.

    3. @Sasha bone, no i wasn't the one that yawned. heheheheh
      @Ifesinachi Okonkwo, thanks for the advice and not judging me. I will keep working on it. And hope for the perfect single guy for me to come sweep me off my feet.

  9. she is cheating 100%. Emotional cheating is the worst. Well, I wont judge your friend but id say she should have remained single than to punish her hubby cos of her inability to get past her feelings for some dude. how will she feel if her hubby were to have a close female friend who knows all about him? What you cant accept, do not give.

  10. Yep it is,like i told my boo,Il rather u have multiple one-night stands w/o strings than have an (emotional) affair with one lady. Not like im supporting either but btwn two evils,there's always a lesser one...

  11. Cheating is anything you do,say or type that you can't do in the presence of your spouse. All sin is sin. None is better. Why should any be in the picture? I still wonder. For me, it's " Don't do what you would'nt want me to do to you. If you do so, then imagine me doing same to you.Can you even bear the thought?" This keeps me in check. #Enjay#

  12. Why didn't she marry the guy abeg she is just deceiving her self this is pure cheating!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Im having an emotional affair with a man that fancies me, we meet once a week in person but have never had more that regular chat up lines. I know he feels me, but he doesn't know Ive been cheating "with" him for a year. I don't want to bring God into this but thoughts could be more dangerous than the physical acts itself this is so unlike me the strong woman and I've been battling this for over a year majorly because we are both married.

  14. Wow!
    Nice blog Thelma!
    Blown away really- thanks for stopping by, I might never have known just what it was I was missing here, lol!
    Your friend has gotten herself emotionally entangled with this Ahmed but, in truth? These things happen.
    Ahmed just is this dependable shoulder she has, someone who makes her feel good- funny enough, severing her friendship with Ahmed may have her becoming resentful of her husband.....
    All in all, risky business if you ask me.


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