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Celibacy Kills!





Last night I went to visit a male friend of mine. We're platonic friends and he happens to be romantically involved with a close friend of mine. We chatted about this and that and then as he usually does he broached the topic of me being single. "Nwando we have to find you a man, you need to have sex" he said. 
I explained for the umpteenth time (he and his girlfriend always ridicule my decision to keep to myself) that I'm not looking to 'get laid'. 

"Oh please don't be stupid. That's why your mood is always all over the place. You need to have sex. Everybody needs to have sex. It's just not normal, you're killing yourself! How did you even arrive at this silly decision? You don't want to have sex... Hmmmph! Please stop being stupid". 

I changed the topic, didn't want to pursue that line of conversation, cursed my friend underneath my breath for being one of those people that must tell their significant others everything. 

I explained that I'm yet to see what good all the sex I had in the past did me and immediately changed the topic. 

I got home late, just in time to watch Love Lounge and as fate would have it, Celibacy was the topic of the day! Two great men were present yesterday; Dr Lanre Olusola (please who can introduce me to this man?) and Praise Fowowe. Now I really couldn't tell Dr Lanre's take as he somehow always includes some psychological or psychoanalytic babble into almost everything he says but one thing struck me and it was when Oreka Godis asked, speaking based on the book The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born; does celibacy kill? Dr Lanre immediately said emphathetically; Celibacy does not kill! I may be taking it out of context here but the minute he said this I wished I was still sitting in my friend's boo's living room so that I could jump up and down and shout "Celibacy does not kill Celibacy does not kill Celibacy does not kill !". I mean we all know it doesn't actually kill but guess it was my way of saying to him "so you see, you need to chill out on this issue"...

Dr Lanre also went ahead to say something that I must reiterate; 'what you do' and 'why you do what you do' are two different things. Why you do what you do is more important than what you do. 

I wanted to shout Halleluyah! This statement actually does not apply to sexual activity or celibacy but to everything in life. But sticking to the topic though, I wanted to implore my few friends who think I'm being "foolish" to stop for a second and ask why I'm doing what I'm doing. I also want to enjoin others that are taking this path for whatever reason, or who have made other decisions regarding their lives and lifestyle and are at a crossroads, or are feeling discouraged or disillusioned, why are you doing what you are doing? What was it that made you make that decision in the first place? Go back to that and give it more thought and then proceed accordingly. 

Weirdly enough, after Love Lounge I switched over to the Style Network and watched this new show where Black American Men sit at a round table and discuss topical issues and issues that affect black men in general. What was one of the topics again; Celibacy! One of the guys on the show yesterday does not belong to any religion and is a Free Thinker, another of the men is a Christian and has been celibate for 6 years, one is a reverend who's married and then another was neutral. The free thinker kept on trying to ridicule and undermine the celibate. He was like; dude, no sex for 6 years? WTF? Why? Your Bible tells you you'll go to hell? It's insane to deny yourself of sex; that's suppressing a natural human desire and that's just wrong and unnatural. 

The reverend calmly pointed out that we are all spiritual persons living inside a body. Everyone  decides who you rever more; your body or your spirit. Being celibate may mean denying the body of what it wants but in doing that you service your spirit, in doing that you're putting your spirit first. 
Oh wow! I could never have said it better. 

I'm not advocating celibacy as I strongly believe it's a personal choice. Just like Dr Lanre Olusola said what is more important is why you are doing what you are doing.

So yes, to last night's friend, it may seem like I'm being foolish, what I'm doing may seem unnatural and unhealthy; but the reason I'm abstaining is actually greater than the fact that I'm actually abstaining. 

Now I used 'abstaining' and not 'celibate' because should I see a guy and feel the need to hold and kiss him, I will hold and kiss him if he doesn't mind. (I hear celibacy means no physical contact with the opposite sex whatsoever). 

Comments

  1. Celibate for 6 years? God forbid.

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  2. Celibacy as defined in your last paragraph? Easier said than done!
    -F

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  3. I guess remaining a virgin is easier than being celibate. I am sticking with the former , so help me God

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  4. Being a virgin is a lot easier, you can't miss something you've never had. But celibacy after sex, I don't know how you guys do it.

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    Replies
    1. The funny thing about sex and lovemaking (at least, what I'VE found out) is that you go tire, as a woman.
      Better chill till you're married bcos it's a daily dose which you will eventually begin to find tiresome.
      Sex seemed so sweet when I was single and could hoard it, tease with it, decide to be celibate for a year or two and then let myself be swept away in insane desire and be ravished by a ravishing young man- all of that don end o.
      You just have to give your hubby food when he's hungry.

      Delete
    2. Oh My God!
      This Anon has finished me. So Sex in marriage is just food?

      Ayam dieded....

      Dear Future Hubby may U then go on a hunger strike sometimes & have running stomach at other times...

      Delete
  5. Been celibate(not by choice though) for 8months now and it really hasn't been easy but sure feels good that nothing is 'getting in'.. Fina

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  6. Fina then your own is conji not celibacy. Celibacy is by choice, go and find a red blooded man to give it to you biko.

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  7. Been celibate since 2010. Thou i av a nr nw Evang n we r stayin dat way till marriage. He Has been celibate *2 of minę If u knw math. It nt been Easy ooo

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  8. Dr Lanre Olusola is so so hot. Please I want to meet him too. Is he married?

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  9. Well if you're having mood swings as a result of not getting laid, then you need to find something to do and channel that sexual energy. I'm sure you know that the energy can be strong. It is quite normal and happens to the best of us and good sex can help you release some endorphins which can give you temporary happiness. I'm not sure the kind of people you hang around, but find likeminded folks like you who are young, passionate, ambitious and celibate. Believe it or not plenty of them exist in Nigeria especially. Use this time to channel all that energy to losing weight, writing even more, or getting deeper in your relationship with God. When all fails and konji is holding you in the middle of the night, cry out to God for grace. He really does help out. Find a nice vibrant church with young people who are likeminded and hang with them. Share your experiences and offer help advice. Anyway thats my long epistle. You will be fine. And oh I will add go out on dates just to get to know guys a bit. Chat, flirt, hug, maybe share a kiss if you can handle and leave it there (this is the naughty side of me offering this advice o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry Thelma, make I ask why you are celibate? I'm not quite sure I fully understood your reasons from the post

      Delete
    2. Strengthen my spirituality.
      Ability to pray without the guilt of sexual sin hanging over my neck.
      Build my self-discipline.
      The realization that sex ought to be with not just anyone fueled my decision of keep myself till I find my someone.
      Generally got tired of sex with people that couldn't be bothered to invest real emotions and time.
      It felt and feels like the right thing to do, like it's the best decision I've ever made, so for now I'm sticking to it.
      ....among other reasons.

      Delete
    3. *I didn't give my reasons in the post because I didn't want to make the post about that, but since you asked...

      Delete
    4. Ok at the risk of not psychoanalyzing you further..I shall drop it there. But your reasons are quite good and commendable.

      Delete
  10. It is not an easy decision to be celibate, but when you remember the heartache you suffered in the past from relationships that did not work out or horrible sexual experiences from previous relationships. The next logical thing na to close leg until it feels right. I believe sex is more spiritual than physical, and you should base your decision to have sex on how you feel about that person and not just to satisfy a temporary need. My dear do what feels right and you don't have to justify your actions to anybody.

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  11. well this is being celibate by condition..been single and not searching yet.. but i do miss the touch of a man..sighh..till when the time is right then.. good guy, beautiful relationship/connection and hot hot steamy coitus

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  12. I am celibate for all the same reasons you are Thelma and then some. When you have been through certain things in life, you realise that it is just not worth it and ever since then, my walk with God has improved tremendously. On another note, I think Lanre Olusola is absolutely amazing and I have this huge crush on him...I was just stalking his instagram some days ago and saw his beautiful wife and kids (so to the person who asked, yes he is married). I can easily introduce you to him Thelma but then what would you give me in return...loll

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ironically I keep seeing him around, he's obviously a 'frequenter' of my fav shopping place; Ebeano, I've seen him there several times and then, I've seen him a couple of times at Soul Lounge this year and on some other spots on the island. Every time I see him he's always alone and the circumstances are very chilled and it should be easy to just walk over and say "hello" but I clam up like a silly teenager. Well my sister is an acquaintance of his (work relationship) so I think if I really did want to meet him I could talk to her. He's a man I would like to work with/for, intern under. I did some research on his academy and errr, I would have to save several months salary for that.

      Delete
    2. Yep you are right hun. His office is in Lekki. I can totally get why you would clam up, he has that effect on me also. We work together every now and again so i'd say working relationship too I guess. He really is approachable though, you'd be surprised. So next time, just take a deep breath, walk up to him and say hiiiii...........

      Delete
    3. FNLP you're so right, my sister said the same thing too, she said he's a friendly man, nice and easy-going and very approachable. Lol, @ take a deep breath, I'll try that next time.

      Delete
  13. T Please I LOVE your reasons for being Celibate.
    Mine is just ONE..... My spirituality!

    Sex is overrated even. Taaaaaa! Much Ado about nothing. *flipping my Shakespeare hat*

    ReplyDelete
  14. I wish i could be celibate, the most i've been is about 6 - 8 months. I try, i pray, i ask God to help me because i want to be closer to him and have a more beautiful relationship with him and strengthening my spirituality and wait for my husband. But somehow, it always seems so hard, next thing is i'm hooking up with an old friend and we are doing it, even though i'm very certain nothing is going to come out of it, still i'm ok with that. is that normal? how do i fight this? Sometimes i meet a guy, one or two dates and bang, we're romping in the sacks still with the knowledge that nothing was going to come out of the relationship, i just get it done and delete the guy off my life. Am i ok? i keep thinking i might be sick and wondering where i could go to for help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon you are very ok. I would say you probably need to get help if you had said you cannot control yourself and even when you don't want to do it you cannot stop yourself from having sex with someone (I have a few friends like that and in some cases they need help, for some they've just so devalued sex that it begins to mean absolutely nothing to them, it's been brought down to the level of a handshake. I think you're just a sexually active young woman who's not in a committed relationship therefore you tend to sleep with almost anyone you find yourself with.
      I would ask that you don't put pressure on yourself or force celibacy on yourself, you will get miserable and continually break your resolve and then you'll be even more guilty than you were before you attempted celibacy or abstinence. For now since you desire to strengthen your spirituality don't let your shortcomings stop you, remember that we're all sinners, the fact that I'm not sexually active does not mean that I'm better than someone who is, I might have other sins probably even worse. So still try to be friends with God, express your heartfelt desire to abstain, remain prayerful and try to make a conscious effort to stop.
      Another way to do it is not to just stop at once but test the waters, see how long you can go without sex, remember that abstinence is like fasting so just tell yourself, ok I won't do this for the next 3 months, after 3 months if you've succeeded you can still prolong it.
      Also, abstinence is like going on a diet. You might fall off the band wagon but that doesn't mean you have to stay down. Even if you broke your resolve once or twice you can always continue from where you stopped.
      It's not easy for anyone (unless you're naturally frigid) and there will always be temptations but one has to keep trying.
      Personally I would advice that with the next guy you meet you hold off on sex and work on building a relationship independent of sex, that way you'll know that your relationship is built on a foundation of love, friendship, respect and affection, and sex is just an extra that may or may not come in. Good luck my darling.

      Delete
    2. How are you so wise? thank you, i will definitely keep trying

      Delete
    3. Bless U thelma! Reading thru ds anon's post was like reading d story of my sex life. And U just conveyed an understanding and possible way out, devoid of judgement. Thank U! Thank U! Thank U! U'r a gem really!

      Delete
    4. Bless U thelma! Reading thru ds anon's post was like reading d story of my sex life. And U just conveyed an understanding and possible way out, devoid of judgement. Thank U! Thank U! Thank U! U'r a gem really!

      Delete
    5. Thanks. Anon, I'm happy I could help.

      Delete

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