Last night I went to visit a male friend of mine. We're platonic friends and he happens to be romantically involved with a close friend of mine. We chatted about this and that and then as he usually does he broached the topic of me being single. "Nwando we have to find you a man, you need to have sex" he said.
I explained for the umpteenth time (he and his girlfriend always ridicule my decision to keep to myself) that I'm not looking to 'get laid'.
"Oh please don't be stupid. That's why your mood is always all over the place. You need to have sex. Everybody needs to have sex. It's just not normal, you're killing yourself! How did you even arrive at this silly decision? You don't want to have sex... Hmmmph! Please stop being stupid".
I changed the topic, didn't want to pursue that line of conversation, cursed my friend underneath my breath for being one of those people that must tell their significant others everything.
I explained that I'm yet to see what good all the sex I had in the past did me and immediately changed the topic.
I got home late, just in time to watch Love Lounge and as fate would have it, Celibacy was the topic of the day! Two great men were present yesterday; Dr Lanre Olusola (please who can introduce me to this man?) and Praise Fowowe. Now I really couldn't tell Dr Lanre's take as he somehow always includes some psychological or psychoanalytic babble into almost everything he says but one thing struck me and it was when Oreka Godis asked, speaking based on the book The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born; does celibacy kill? Dr Lanre immediately said emphathetically; Celibacy does not kill! I may be taking it out of context here but the minute he said this I wished I was still sitting in my friend's boo's living room so that I could jump up and down and shout "Celibacy does not kill Celibacy does not kill Celibacy does not kill !". I mean we all know it doesn't actually kill but guess it was my way of saying to him "so you see, you need to chill out on this issue"...
Dr Lanre also went ahead to say something that I must reiterate; 'what you do' and 'why you do what you do' are two different things. Why you do what you do is more important than what you do.
I wanted to shout Halleluyah! This statement actually does not apply to sexual activity or celibacy but to everything in life. But sticking to the topic though, I wanted to implore my few friends who think I'm being "foolish" to stop for a second and ask why I'm doing what I'm doing. I also want to enjoin others that are taking this path for whatever reason, or who have made other decisions regarding their lives and lifestyle and are at a crossroads, or are feeling discouraged or disillusioned, why are you doing what you are doing? What was it that made you make that decision in the first place? Go back to that and give it more thought and then proceed accordingly.
Weirdly enough, after Love Lounge I switched over to the Style Network and watched this new show where Black American Men sit at a round table and discuss topical issues and issues that affect black men in general. What was one of the topics again; Celibacy! One of the guys on the show yesterday does not belong to any religion and is a Free Thinker, another of the men is a Christian and has been celibate for 6 years, one is a reverend who's married and then another was neutral. The free thinker kept on trying to ridicule and undermine the celibate. He was like; dude, no sex for 6 years? WTF? Why? Your Bible tells you you'll go to hell? It's insane to deny yourself of sex; that's suppressing a natural human desire and that's just wrong and unnatural.
The reverend calmly pointed out that we are all spiritual persons living inside a body. Everyone decides who you rever more; your body or your spirit. Being celibate may mean denying the body of what it wants but in doing that you service your spirit, in doing that you're putting your spirit first.
Oh wow! I could never have said it better.
I'm not advocating celibacy as I strongly believe it's a personal choice. Just like Dr Lanre Olusola said what is more important is why you are doing what you are doing.
So yes, to last night's friend, it may seem like I'm being foolish, what I'm doing may seem unnatural and unhealthy; but the reason I'm abstaining is actually greater than the fact that I'm actually abstaining.
Now I used 'abstaining' and not 'celibate' because should I see a guy and feel the need to hold and kiss him, I will hold and kiss him if he doesn't mind. (I hear celibacy means no physical contact with the opposite sex whatsoever).