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Dear Thelma... (... Is This What Marriage Does To You?)

On the surface my husband is the most perfect being however he is emotionally abusive and its coming 11 years late, it seems as if scales have fallen from my eyes all of a sudden.

Last month if you had asked me I would've gone on and on about how perfect my man and marriage is.

"I gave over all of my power. I lost myself" to this man, going through the love notes and poems I wrote him while we were dating, I realize I have over the years lost my humor, my poetic nature, or is it just what marriage does?

"Someone who lets me be myself, without judgment,Someone I can have adventures with"- I just realized like him I have no life "outside" this marriage, I deliberately chose not to have friends, Ive stopped doing all I love for family time and realized just this month that i do not enjoy family time, I don't even know what makes me happy any more, or is it just what marriage does to you?

To a large extent "I have the freedom and independence to do what I want to do…. or pursuing a
major life goal.However I also feel trapped by the long rules and regulations. "We don't do this in the catholic church", you missed confession, you can't have communion, you missed "ash wednesday" , you can't ………. and the list goes on and on. It irks me a lot that I cannot choose to do my own thing as an adult, or is one of the sacrifices we make in marriage?

Am I just exaggerating or being over-sensitive, everyone pls help me?


This was actually a comment on Angela David's TTRWT post. I deleted it and chose to make it a post instead so that more people could see it and offer advice. 


  1. Unfortunately, she married the wrong man....the wrong man for her. This is one of the things I fear most in marriage and part of the reasons why I at 27 have remained single till date. I'm sorry but she would have seen the signs before marriage. I'm sure she was never really comfortable around the guy and could never really be her real self around him. I have experienced this before and you just know deep deep down that this guy would later on end up being extra controlling. On the other hand, I have been with a guy that totally let's me be myself, I am totally free around him and there's freedom and no pressure whatsoever. Trust me, the difference is clear. The only reason why I'm not with him now is because I need him to be a bit more consistent and prove that he's really into me;we still talk everyday and he likes me. So yes my dear poster, sadly u may have married the wrong one for you so now all you have to do is pray ,pray and then PRAY some more. Only God can change a man. Also, use your "gentle and quiet" spirit to win him over (biblical). It works. God bless

    1. clearly not married.

    2. at anon 9:48am, clearly ure in an abusive marriage. pls sit ur ass down if u have nuthin to say. Again, clearly stupid.

    3. here's hopin dt relationshp wrks out.gudluck,lol

    4. Lmao @ anon 2.02, here's hoping u have the decency to move on from ur abusive partner LOL

  2. I don't too like to talk about marriage. I have no experience. Lemme just shush on that.....but personally, lady, please, free yourself. Be you!!! That's the only thing that can keep you sane in this insane world.

    Anon that picks on Ruth, We don't do insults on this blog. We do love and total love. We see ourselves as one family, hence we can share anything without fear. If you can't live like that here, return to where you came from. No cyber bullying here. If you can't abide by that, leave please. Ruth talks too much, she famz a lot, she does this and that. Its our business. We love her like that....and more importantly, we love that in her.

    *Abuja family, what dyu all think about our mini blog party?

    1. What is this one talking? abeg shift to one corner- clueless.

    2. u'r indirectly voicin all u tink ruth is,yet u say she's family,God is watchin u in 3d

  3. Sorry but I don't see where or how ur man is responsible for what u are going thru in ur marriage...
    I'm glad you've taken a pause at things and reflected. Its a starting point to the change(s) u want. Don't loose hope in urself,ur husband or ur marriage in general. I'm not married but I do know we all have a conscious role to play in making our marriage what we want it to be ile leaving the rest to God!

    1. 100percent wife material- you're very sound, sure u're not married?

  4. You in marriage is what you make of yourself. From all you said, I see nothing your husband has done wrong. Take some me-time to renew your mind, remember who you are and nurture your soul. As for the rules of the church, only you can decided how much is too much for your faith. All the best.

    1. Gbam. Nothing more to add.

  5. The problem is that you are waiting for your husband to 'let' you do this and do that. You've got a mind of your own right?
    Thelma I can't believe you are still insisting on V.I *shrugs*

  6. From what you've written, I don't see how your husband has abused you. He allows you be free but gives rules...maybe advice, it's same almost everywhere. Except it's some ridiculous rule.
    About the church rules, you can adjust to it or just decide what suits, as long as you truly worship God.
    You deliberately stopped having friends, stopped other things that made you 'whole' asides your home. This is one popular behaviour of ladies, some of us get married and ignore other people, activities and such. Monotony 'squeezes' a person! You'd finally have a need to break free. I think that's what's happening to you.
    And if it be that you want your marriage to work right, you can make it happen gradually. Remember it is not late to grow the warmth you had. Pray, communicate, work at yourself and keep loving.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I like what you wrote, very apt.

  7. I think one general problem women have in marriage is complacency, they think that because they are now married there's no need to keep improving on themselves. And this attitude isn't in any way the man's fault.
    Let me tell you something about men, we were created to pursue the woman, and that doesn't stop after marriage. We want to keep pursuing you for as long we live. So when you stop "running" we tend to pursue someone else cos it's in our blood. By "running" I mean the things you used to do that attracted us to you in the first place, that made us chase you. We were attracted by the way u used to pay attention to your looks, even you vanity, the dreams you had, the drive in you to become someone great, your career, the fiery spirit, your sense of humor, your laughter, your passion...etc. Then all of a sudden after marriage you stopped "running". Then you start to blame the man for his change in character too. I'm not saying that men are always right but neither are women. So before you blame your husband, look within and ask yourself "did I let marriage do this to me?"
    Please I apologize if I hit a raw nerve, this is just my 2 cents. Stay blessed

  8. *sorry, it's not a general problem but I've seen it happen more often than not, especially to friends.

  9. God bless u Steele! U summed it up.


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Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
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He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
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Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
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See how you are serious dey read this story....!

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