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How Far Will You Go To Appease The Gods...Sorry, Your Man?





I was part of a conversation. Scratch that, I overheard a conversation. I should have been a part of it but I was out-numbered. I was the only female and there were four men. I am single and three of the men are married. 

So one of the parts of their conversation that caught my interest was "putting your feet down in your home, as a man". 
Mr Emeka said:
"When I was about to marry my wife my older cousin called me and said to me 'look, you know how women are. Especially this one that is from a very rich home and is earning salary in dollars, you have to be very careful otherwise she will finish you in your own home. Put you foot down. Don't even let her say "pim". Once you give her room for nonsense you will continue to regret it for the rest of your marriage' "

Mr Emeka proceeded to tell us how he took that advice to heart and that the first time his (new) wife NEARLY disrespected him to told her that she must never try it again. And if she wanted his forgiveness she must go to the market by herself (remember she's a rich kid who probably wasn't used to markets) come back, make a pot of onugbu  soup with snails, stock fish and chicken and pound yam for him and all his friends, about twenty of them, without any assistance, financial or physical. 

He laughed as he told his friends how wifey scurried around, from market to kitchen, sweating as she tried to pound yam without any lumps and cook the food to perfection. And then he said since that day, before she attempts disrespecting him again she always thinks twice about it first. 

These men in turn talked about their marriages and the things that they had done to stamp their mark of authority in their homes. One even talked about how he started sleeping with the maid and then after she was sent away she came back days later to confess that she had been servicing madam's husband. He said even though his wife knew it was true his wife beat the girl blue-black, asking her if she was trying to destroy her home by talking about it. 

Listening to all their stories I literally felt sick to my stomach and before bile could rise I excused myself and left them to their PATHETIC stories. 

Is it any news that some women have seen shege in the hands of men? Almost every woman has at one point done something she wouldn't ordinarily do to placate, please or keep her man. I know I have. I also know of someone who allowed her boyfriend have anal sex with her because he read a suggestive chat on her phone with another guy, so that was what she had to do to make it up to him. Anal sex. 

This one incident happened back then in the university. *Bunmi was dating this very useless guy back then and wouldn't leave him because he was her "first". One night her roommate's chaiker offered to take them all out and she went along. When she got back and her boo was mad that she went out without his permission he asked her to get on her bed, stand on top of it, jump up and down on her bunk and scream at the top of her lungs "I am a prostitute. I sleep with men for money. I am useless. I am a prostitute. I sleep with men for money. I am useless. I am a prostitute. I sleep with men for money. I am useless." While he held onto the phone, on her own credit o!!! He made her do this for almost thirty minutes. She was crying as she repeated the words while the idiot kept shouting "louder" saying he wanted the world to hear. Her room mates tried to get her to stop but she refused, insisting on doing just as he said, till he asked her to stop. 

I got emotional just writing this. When I remember the things he put her through...

What I'll like to drive home with this post is that love should not have conditions and punishments attached. Someone who loves you would forgive you freely; no hidden charges, no appeases, no pain and no humiliation. If they say they forgive you, then they must forgive you without making you pay for the forgiveness. Otherwise, that is not forgiveness and that is not love. 


........
I'm considering going home straight from Court tomorrow and taking the rest of the day and Thursday off from work (by God's grace) and blogging. I terribly need a vacation right now but as I can't do so ATM I will settle for hibernating under my duvet for 48hrs. So if you need me I'll be under my duvet. Goodnight, and God bless. I'm tired........................



Comments

  1. Ifesinachi Okonkwo10:30 pm, June 10, 2014

    Thelma you just made me feel frustrated with this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ifesinachi Okonkwo10:30 pm, June 10, 2014

    Thelma you just made me feel frustrated with this post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Im frustrated too! Smh! Some men are jx terrible..btw, they keep forgetting karma is a bi#@$ !! They might not get their reward in d same manner dey dished it out but they wud definitely get it!#goingtobedangry# :-/

    ReplyDelete
  4. This love sef can cause rubbish things, especially when one loves a person who doesn't have a good heart.
    But sometimes women accept rubbish, and not totally because of love but because they're holding on to 'funny' reasons, especially shame of having 'lost out'.
    Enjoy your break Thelma :).

    ReplyDelete
  5. The stupidity abounds because women allow this. I've heard stories like these but since I've not witnessed any of these the stories baffle me anytime they're told.

    When my mum was 6 months pregnant with yours truly, 2 cousins of my dad came visiting. One hot afternoon, dad and cousins came in and used the remaining water in the house for their baths. Satisfied, they relaxed and had umu nna gist till my mum came in from the market. 6pm, and time to prepare supper, but no water. She didn't say a word. 8pm, and umu nna guys were terribly hungry but couldn't understand why supper wasn't ready at the usual time. Dad went to the kitchen and it was *deserted*. Angrily he went to look for mum in the room and met her on the bed reading a magazine. "What's the meaning of what you're doing? Aren't we going to eat this night?", he thundered. Mum calmly replied: "Do you really expect me to get water and cook after you people have finished swimming indoors?" She went back to reading her magazine. Dad called cousins and left the house with them. An hour later, he came to tell mum that supper was ready. He had fetched water and cooked.

    Ladies, love your men fiercely, but don't be stupid in the process. Men generally take advantage of that. Be blessed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With all due respect I think we women have to learn from your mom!!!!

      Delete
    2. I loove d concludin part of your comment! So true

      Delete
    3. Your comment made me chuckle,

      Delete
  6. Thelma, I think the title contradict the write up or maybe I am reading it differently. Yes, you have to appease if you have truly done something wrong but appease does not mean you should be stupid. Also, the examples you gave are sort of extreme and one sided, you should have given examples where the wife truly disrespected her husband.

    I could not date a mumu for a girl back then, actually avoided those kind of women so as not to have a boring and unproductive life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wale I agree that's it's one sided but that's because I'm speaking only about those I know about personally. No man has told me of any experience he has had with regards to this topic. I mean, I'm sure a FEW men have similar stories but I just haven't heard any.

      Delete
    2. Thelma, you must admit that men don't talk/speak out the way women do. A man that shout out is viewed as a weakling so nobody ever get to know that the man is dying slowly.

      In simple terms, many married men are carrying their crosses with humility while others chase after other women or indulge in alcohol to manage their lives. It is a sad and terrible situation but the reality.

      Delete
  7. I don't even know what to make of this post. Especially the girl jumping on the bed one, hard to believe, do girls like that still exist? Nahhhh it can't be real, seriusly Thelma do stupid foolish girls like that still exist???? TUfiakwa! I'm sorry but girls allow these things. Think about it. UNLESS the guy is using some strong ass jazz oo,but what cud possibly make me jump on my bed like that n do such?ahnahn u too think na, smh. Uv just used this post to take my hatred for men up an extra notch. Majority r sick n twisted bastards. Very few are sane. VERY FEW. When uv been physically n emotionally abused by a man,ul know that all what u wrote above are just signs of pure emotional abuse. Nothing less.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It happened in Uni but till today we all think he used something on her. The bed incident was just one of many. But back then when we asked her why she took so much crap from him she'd always say "he's my first".
      Coming to think about it she's not the only one I know who had to endure abuse and cruelty in relationships because "he's my first". I used to have a friend in Unilag back then who was getting beat up by her boo on a regular basis but she said she couldn't leave him because "he's my first".
      Thankfully both ladies broke free from the hell they called relationships and are now married to sane men. It's now they look back and admit that they were indeed stupid.

      Delete
    2. LOL thats serious. it is well.

      Delete
  8. In people's first relationship they do foolish things.When I do something wrong I apologise and it's up to me to decide what extra to do to make up.it's the hand you give a man that creates room for those nonense.And a man that really cares about you will not let you go through stuff like that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pounded yam for 20 dimkpa guys? O-O that is pure wickedness and the babe dat jumped up and down like seriously if I saw this in a movie I'll say the writer went overboard with the exaggeration haba. Na we babes dey kill ourselves. I heard one recently how her hubby stopped talking to her for 3months and they lived in the same house just cos she refused to wash his boxers, so what he started doing was to always buy new ones, wear them, dump and buy new ones just like that, the babe got tired of the silly routine and decided to wash the draws only for the guy to tell her "you shouldn't have washed it na I was just watching you nonsense" men dey for this life oh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did he bother to find out y she stopped washing his boxers? Maybe she saw skid marks

      ."an elongated stain in the rear of one's underwear caused by one of the following: 1)rubbing of the underwear on an insufficiently wiped anus after excrement
      2)expelling juicy farts (butt cheese) into the underwear over an extended period".

      No matter the love i will not wash the boxers of a grown up man who doesn't properly clean up after shitting. That's just disgusting.
      And I'm talking from experience.

      Delete
  10. had a friend in school who was dating a guy who would beat her,bang her,eat her food and not give her a penny....some guys are just bastards.....my husband is the perfect guy...even if am wrong,he stills makes peace with me.....that naughty house wife..

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sorry tales. My *proud feminist head won't take *shit like that from any guy. I called this one when I was leaving for Lag..around past2. I wasn't even leaving yet. I just knew I was coming. He now dumbly replied- I am at Oregun....come ther. Buy ......when you are coming. Tcheww.....I did not reply....and he knows I'm coming from Abuja. No call to find out how I arrived till a message this morning.....Well dunno how long u'v bn in lag,why tell me u coming 2 lag?
    Dunno but u rily avnt bn dier lola but thanks anyway.be gud & takia..

    Ode buruku that should be thanking me. Tcheww.... I'm pissed sef. Men can be very annnoying. God knows I'm not living to please anyone again.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I can't even talk sef... just reading the comments & nodding /learning.

    Memphis, always on point *btw I missed u here, good ur back*

    I know I haven't gone overboard yet but i've done some pretty silly things to keep a relationship not necessarily as a Am sorry incentive but just cos of Love.

    But i've grown to know the difference between REAL/TRUE Love & Infatuation/Obsession or whatever!

    Am Happy am still Single, at least I have time to make sure I do not regret marrying my future spouse... the things i've been hearing about marriage... OMG. #Shivering

    ReplyDelete
  13. SMH.........The tales of women, and how far they go in (abusive) relationships, always makes me cringe each time I read or hear about them. I have seen/heard too many stories to fall victim of any kind of abuse, nobody deserves to be abused or taken for granted for any reason and by anyone, whether friend, colleague, family member or spouse. Its just wrong on all levels, physically, spiritually, morally etc. It is only a sadist/psycho/mentally disturbed/emotionally wrecked person who will take pleasure at inflicting pain of any kind on another. As for relationships, women who allow abuse to thrive in the name of love are responsible for that, because no one will ever hurt you without your consent. Also not forgetting that there are men too who suffer abuse in relationships, e.g when a girl knows she holds no love for a man yet allows him to go through all sorts of "sufferhead" for her.
    Love is beautiful and will require sacrifices; we should be smart enough to realize when abuse sets in, and FLEE when it does.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oma ga o! #bringingmyyorubagirlon . Can't be caught dead in any of these situations. A friend told me a story her mum told her. Of how her dad slapped her shortly after they got married over some very flimsy reason. She retaliated with a resounding slap and of course he was shocked. Yet he went to report to his father-in-law. The old man weakly asked him if he expected her to be looking after he slapped her. And that was the last time since that first time.We were in 300L then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha reminds me of a lady that got slapped in the early days of their marriage only for her to use a knife to stab him on his hand na there the abuse end.

      Delete
  15. wow Thelma Ndo!
    pls do a post on men that are abused in relationships too.
    In my marriage up on till I got born again I used to emotionally abuse my man, call it ignorance , I took advantage of his love for me, don't get me wrong hes not perfect oh but very close to it, and all these years I felt I was doing him a favor marrying him, lord I have done some things to him that i cannot write to the extent that I created a monster, he started retaliating and I could just sense he was tired of my bullshit.
    Babes things have changed now oh, he still worships the ground I step on and I have to admit I scored a great man and now I have resolved never to take him for granted too,I am too ashamed to write all what that man went through in my hands as a man that truly loved his wife.
    Thank God for restoration!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God bless you for this comment, exactly what I was trying to get across up there. People should focus on dealing with the root causes of their issues rather than apportioning blames.

      Some men are evil and so are some women, we all lose at the end of the day when we don't deal with the issues in our lives.

      Delete
    2. Sorry Wale, I misunderstood your earlier comment, this one makes it clearer.

      Delete
    3. HSF, I do hope you come back and answer my questions here. I was wondering how bad things got and how did you husband retaliated, I am curious about the specifics of what he did when he got tired of your actions. I have spoken against retaliation but want to understand when it may be expedient to use this approach.

      Delete
    4. Hi wale,
      I'm back.For starters, Im hot and know it, was highly sought after before and post-marriage in spite of the fact that I have 3 kids I could pass for a 25 y/o.I am from a privileged home, my husband not so much, he's a fine bobo but not all that and so I had the mentality that I was doing I'm a big favor marrying him.

      He enabled me,he did "EVERYTHING" I told him to do,i made every/major decisions in the house,took any advise and opinion I gave,total access-granted he totally worshipped the ground I stepped on.

      I decided his friends to keep, those to go, in short I was a real pain in the ass, very entitled, b#$%#. All of a sudden he had had enough , first he became disconnected, rash, brash, mean, sarcastic,he was already tired of the marriage and he outrightly told me so(it was a wake up call) I mean his retaliation wasn't cheating, beating or any of that stuff but he took the power I thought I had away from me. This happened abut 7 years into the marriage, the man tried,I was hard to live with.His was less physical retaliation ,more of ignoring me, not meeting my"entitled" needs, in fact doing everything he knew I hated.

      I shuddered at how I was going to lose a man 99% of girls will give an arm to be with, now he's wadded, my family's wealth is insignificant in comparison and now see correct bobo, where was I going to start from?

      Sweety, even if I didn't become a christian, common sense dictates that my strategy wasn't working again, hope this helps in any way.

      Delete
  16. A man who believes that he must always have the upper hand is definitely not enjoying his marriage. Ditto for the women.

    ReplyDelete

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