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"I Love You But... I Love Sex Too".

*Bidemi called me this morning because she rightly thought I would be able to relate to what she's going through. Bidemi has been celibate for about three years now, has been in and out of brief relationships, because really how many men are willing to date you without any sexual satisfaction. The problem however is that things can get really lonely but for the most part, you just sit, grin and bear it.
      But what happens when you meet someone who's everything you've ever wanted, not that he's the perfect man or anything but... It's been long she felt this way about anyone, they've been dating for a few months now, he was aware of her celibacy status before they started the relationship and because of his feelings for her he thought he could forego sex till she's ready. Well it turns out he can't. During an argument last night when she said accused him of lying about loving her, he said "I love you but I love sex too". 
      Now he's not insisting she have sex if she doesn't want to, he's just saying "if I get it from outside don't blame me". 

Bidemi thinks this is unacceptable, but I'm wondering (don't get me wrong, Bidemi and I are in the same celibacy/abstinence boat) yet I still have to ask, is it fair to deny a sexual red blooded individual of sex just because you don't want to do it? The choice to abstain is yours not theirs so isn't it unfair to say "I'm not having sex so neither should you" ?

Bidemi is surprised that I'm taking sides with her boo, but I just think that if he needs and he wants to have sex then he should be able to have sex! 

Maybe it's easy for me to say this cause I'm not in a relationship and it's not my man who's about to go relieve himself in someone else's whatever. But I remember a conversation I once had with a friend who was a virgin and had been dating her boo for about three years. Her boo was no virgin and I used to wonder if my friend was naive enough to think that he had gone without sex for the whole three years of their relationship. To my surprise when I asked her she said "body no be wood, I know he loves me but I won't be surprised if he's getting it from somewhere else and I can't blame him.".  

I lean towards this; it's a different thing if you both made the decision to abstain from sex but I think it's selfish to make a personal decision and impose it on someone else just because you're dating. Don't get me wrong, I pray and hope to find a man who wouldn't mind joining me in this journey (I know it would be really hard though and I know that's partly why I'm still manless.) 

Bidemi's stand is; He knew you were celibate before the relationship and went ahead to start a relationship with you, therefore from the day you guys began dating he automatically became celibate too. 

My stand is basically the "body no be wood" stance. I think it's quite unfair to ask a sex-loving sexual heterosexual man (or woman, if roles are reversed) not to have sex just because I don't want to. So basically if I'm not willing to have sex, and he's not willing to be celibate too, if I still go ahead to date him I should not cry foul if he occasionally gets it from someone else. No, I don't want to know the details but err, I will TRY TO understand if it happens. 

Bidemi wants to know what you guys think. 


  1. I think the solution to this is simply to find someone with the same views and beliefs as you. That's probably why the bible says we should not be unequally yoked. Like you said its selfish and naive to expect him to become celibate just because of you. Bidemi should either close her eyes or go and find a celibate brother. My opinion.

    1. Need I say more? These are my exact thoughts.

    2. Gbam! can two work together except they agree?

  2. Hmmm, this is a complicated issue and it depends on the angle you come at it from. If you want to go the route of premarital sex being a sin, then Bidemi is right to expect her man to abstain too.
    But coming from the modern-day angle where people have sex as if they are shaking hands then she would be wrong. Men do not have cycles and hormonal shifts like women so they are built to crave sex every time. Men are procreators by instinct, it's hard wired into our DNA. We need to have sex regularly to maintain some kind of balance.
    In fact ladies, if your man doesn't want to have regular sex with you then you need to start praying because something is definitely wrong.

    1. This your modern day analysis is serious oo! Is this also applicable to long distance relationships?

    2. Enjay,you dey fear for your relationship? LOL

    3. LOL@ Anon to Enjay................................... i actually think it's selfish but my problem now in bidemi's shoes is that i know he's gonna do it and i'll know. for me if i were in the abstinence club which i am lookingv to join if not a member already, i wouldn't mind him getting off some place else as long as i don't know. it isn't fair that you meet a girl you know is staying celibate till marriage and you make her feel guilty for it. he should go release it some place else withoutv her knowledge simple.

      Steele did you know a study once revealed women are always horny and i think it's true if you ask me just that unlike men women don't have a boner to prove it. women are a bit more rational when it comes to sex than men and because society frowns at women being too sexual, it comes off as if men are engineered to always crave sex. for me, good sex is one that lasts anywhere from 2hrs and counting so judging from the guys i've dated with the exception of a few, i dont think men really like sex as much as they will have us women believe.

    4. I don't know what regular sex is, I go with sex on demand! And yes, something is definitely wrong and those would probably be age and responsibilities.

      Truth is that it is different for 18 to 35 yo folks with extreme levels of testosterone, believe me when I write that the first thing on my mind (especially at work) is my personal safety and the last is sex. There are way too many other issues in between.

      Just wanted to bring another perspective into the last paragraph of your comment.

    5. Uju leave studies first... Answer this, are you always horny? I usually judge with myself and what I see around me, not with studies.

  3. Lol @ body no be wood. Bidemi may look selfish to you but is it easy to give a guy you love the consent to go and sleep with other people whether you're having sex with him or not? Isn't this tantamount to having an open relationship? I'm confused here.

  4. Actually, it's not that simple as Thelma has already implied: "..what happens when you meet someone who's everything you've ever wanted..".

    I agree with Bidemi. He knew she was celibate before he decided she'll be good enough to be his significant other. Why then terrorize her emotions with the fact that he'll probably...and obviously get some outside this relationship? That's not fair. Body no be wood, yes, but the red light was glaring before he decided to involve himself with her. The decision to have sex outside a relationship you were clear you wouldn't be having any before you got into is VERY SELFISH. I honestly don't know how Bidemi's going to handle this, but I'm 100% certain that her boo is selfish with his decision. She should calmly have deep discussions with him on this sensitive issue.

  5. Memphis I'm very sure he thought he would be able to do it, and I'm sure he has made efforts but as he has come to realize that he can't what should he now do? It's really not so simple. How many times have we started something we thought we could do, go on a diet, break a habit, start reading etc sometimes we actually start out but soon after we find that we cannot continue anymore, I think that's the same thing Bidemi's boyfriend is going through here and it's not fair to call him selfish, he is only human and what is happening is very normal. The guy has gone without sex for the months they've been dating. Maybe he should have gone ahead and cheated without telling her. At least that way he won't get any blame and everybody will be happy, right?

    1. What Steele said about men is almost certain: "..Men are procreators by instinct, it's hard wired into our DNA. We need to have sex regularly to maintain some kind of balance..". Now, such a guy, who has even declared his love for sex, meets a girl with a massive *roadblock* as far as that area is concerned. Such men don't assume they can be celibate, and apart from the need of a companion, sex is primary to them. What should be the prudent thing to do after she has declared her stance to him? If I met a woman I wanted to date and she declares her stance on celibacy before we kick-off the relationship, it would be cruel if I cheated on her and more heartbreaking if I let her in on my intention of doing so. It's a relationship, not a fling, and both parties need to understand and respect each other's stance. Unfortunately Bidemi's boo declared his too late.

  6. If she doesn't give in, dude is unhappy; if she does, she'll be the unhappy one. Damn! I so dislike these kind of between-a-rock-and-a-hard-thing circumstances. Can love triumph or will compromise solve this? This situation is fraught with so many variables.
    Bidemi, I dont know how you will do this but is this relationship heading into the very choppy waters of holy matrimony? Yes, and you might as well give in but the danger here is if he moves on after licking your ogbono soup. No, then call his bluff.

  7. There's probably another reason he agreed to date her in the first place and it seems the most plausible. This won't be the first time a guy will go into a relationship with a girl that "claims" to be celibate, most times the reason for this celibacy is because they've been hurt in the past and they use this as a form of shield or filter against guys who just want to nack. Now the thing is that most guys suspect this and they go ahead and agree to the "terms" thinking that if they just show the girl how great they are they she'll drop her guard and it will happen... In 80% of these cases that's what happens, she drops the guard, what happens after the sex varies widely.
    Back to Bidemi's case, if he really loved her beyond words he would want nothing but her happiness and pressuring her into sex will definitely make her distraught. Even worse is having sex outside, the bond is broken after that if you ask me. No girl in her right senses will agree to such. The sacrifice she's asking him to make is a very steep one but if he really does love her and wants to deserve her then it's a small price to pay.

  8. This case is very simple naa. If she is a born again christian in word and deed, then the answer is easy. Break it off! If he's also a born again christian, then seek help together with a godly couple who can help you stay strong and court in a sanctified manner OR like Paul said if you both are ready for marriage, Get married. Do a court wedding or a marriage blessing.
    Now if neither of you are born again and you are the modern day individual or ceremonial christians, then anything goes. You can allow him to do as he pleases or you break it off and find someone who is willing to be celibate with you.

    1. Gbam! you just plugged the charger in the charging unit.You have said it all,I need not saith more.

    2. My dear u are more correct Dan d word 'correct ' itself

    3. Gbamest... Although not everything is so black and white

  9. but this isnt hard though. CLEARLY, the guy isnt the right one for her and she should move. AND most especially if she is celibate for religious reasons then OF COURSE the guy is sooooo not the right person for her. Simple.

    1. Don't be too quick to judge, the fact that he wants to have sex doesn't mean that he's wrong for her. He's only being his natural self, not everyone has the same tolerance level. She can't just totally write him off cos he's horny.

    2. I agree with Steele, his basic/primal needs does not mean he loves her less. And maybe I should have added that she made the decision to be celibate for reasons other than being born again.

  10. I'm sure Bidemi must have told him of her celibacy before their relationship kicked off. However, what I am not clear on is whether boo consented to traveling on the same part with her. If he did. That's when getting some else where becomes cheating, but if he didn't, Bidemi shouldn't be expecting him not to. How can being in a relationship with a celibate mean automatic celibacy for someone. Even for those who aren't celibate, getting some from another person is almost inevitable these days. Boo's wrong here as I see it, is the fact that he spelt it out to her. Ok, what if boo ticks 9 of her 10 boxes and vice versa and maybe the tenth is a quality as trivia as his sleeping posture or choice on cutlery *just saying* would either of them let go and not ''at least'' try to compromise their stands?

  11. My views is this, b4 dey started d relationship he knew dia will be no sex and I am sure dey both decided 2 be faithful so y go back now. He isn't justified 2 cheat on ha. I really don't believe men can't do without sex. so it isn't possible 4 a guy 2 be a virgin or wat, I believe It is just a matter of discipline, it is diffficult I knw but it isn't impossible. Guys should man up and don't jst give excuse . Procreate goes beyond sex u knw, it means 2 produce young ones wic goes beyond d sexual activity. Pardon my long epistle

  12. @ times we I wouldn't blame D dude we re in uwa nmebi

  13. I would dump the guy right away if I was Bidemi..aside all that has been written above, telling a woman that "if I get it from outside don't blame me" is plain silly. Isn't that blackmail and what kind of relationship is that? I believe it is disrespectful to make such statement, he simply could have gone ahead to do it.

    No matter how men are wired, a man that cannot hold body will end up burning himself at the end of the day. Dating/engagement is not suppose to last as long as a marriage, being celibate for 2 years is hard, in fact very hard but doable. It has lots of advantages too, as you are able to look at each other beyond the realm of sex. There is a whole lot in a relationship that goes beyond sex, people need to make best use of that time.

  14. I'm late but I couldn't stop myself from commenting.

    There was a guy I met and was crazy about (you know, the kind of feelings you have with the whole of your heart while your brain blinks the caution light). Few days after meeting him, he wanted sex though I had been celibate for about 13 months. It got so bad one night that we had the following conversation (paraphrased):

    Him: baby, I really want you tonight
    Me: you know I want that too but I can't do that, not now
    Him: I can't control it, i need to have sex
    Me: (after some unsuccessful persuasions) what are your options?
    Him: May be I would go to a strip club if you would drop me (he has a car but doesn't drive)
    Me: ok, let's go

    (This was a guy who was celibate for 6 months (checked). But when we met, he couldn't seem to be able to control it)

    When we got to the club, he declined going in because I wouldn't go with him. He said he would take a cab home instead. I feigned anger asking why he brought me all the way to Ikeja only for him to change his mind. He apologized but chose another club. I dropped him off and zoomed off. That night, I knew I just had to kill whatever crazy affection I had for him. Our goals were not aligned and it would be selfish of me to expect so much from him. Painfully, I chose my celibacy and let him go. He told me something however, (which I couldn't verify), he said he left the club 20 minutes after he got there because he felt so lonely. I felt bad he chose sex over me but I realized we weren't on the same footing and if truth must be told, he really didn't choose sex over me. He just didn't see withholding sex from someone one 'loves' as sensible.

    Dear Bidemi, I hope you could pick one or two things from the above. All the best.

  15. There are two ways to this from my own perspective,if Bidemi is a virgin,then the guy should be able to respect her decision of been a celibate,and respect her dignity/heart by no notifying her of his intention of having a sex partner.

    But if Bidemi is not a virgin,then it will be hard for the guy to give in...he might take it as a scam..Its hard for me to have a partner who is not a virgin and claim to be

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intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
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