Skip to main content

"I Love You But... I Love Sex Too".





*Bidemi called me this morning because she rightly thought I would be able to relate to what she's going through. Bidemi has been celibate for about three years now, has been in and out of brief relationships, because really how many men are willing to date you without any sexual satisfaction. The problem however is that things can get really lonely but for the most part, you just sit, grin and bear it.
      But what happens when you meet someone who's everything you've ever wanted, not that he's the perfect man or anything but... It's been long she felt this way about anyone, they've been dating for a few months now, he was aware of her celibacy status before they started the relationship and because of his feelings for her he thought he could forego sex till she's ready. Well it turns out he can't. During an argument last night when she said accused him of lying about loving her, he said "I love you but I love sex too". 
      Now he's not insisting she have sex if she doesn't want to, he's just saying "if I get it from outside don't blame me". 

Bidemi thinks this is unacceptable, but I'm wondering (don't get me wrong, Bidemi and I are in the same celibacy/abstinence boat) yet I still have to ask, is it fair to deny a sexual red blooded individual of sex just because you don't want to do it? The choice to abstain is yours not theirs so isn't it unfair to say "I'm not having sex so neither should you" ?

Bidemi is surprised that I'm taking sides with her boo, but I just think that if he needs and he wants to have sex then he should be able to have sex! 

Maybe it's easy for me to say this cause I'm not in a relationship and it's not my man who's about to go relieve himself in someone else's whatever. But I remember a conversation I once had with a friend who was a virgin and had been dating her boo for about three years. Her boo was no virgin and I used to wonder if my friend was naive enough to think that he had gone without sex for the whole three years of their relationship. To my surprise when I asked her she said "body no be wood, I know he loves me but I won't be surprised if he's getting it from somewhere else and I can't blame him.".  

I lean towards this; it's a different thing if you both made the decision to abstain from sex but I think it's selfish to make a personal decision and impose it on someone else just because you're dating. Don't get me wrong, I pray and hope to find a man who wouldn't mind joining me in this journey (I know it would be really hard though and I know that's partly why I'm still manless.) 

Bidemi's stand is; He knew you were celibate before the relationship and went ahead to start a relationship with you, therefore from the day you guys began dating he automatically became celibate too. 

My stand is basically the "body no be wood" stance. I think it's quite unfair to ask a sex-loving sexual heterosexual man (or woman, if roles are reversed) not to have sex just because I don't want to. So basically if I'm not willing to have sex, and he's not willing to be celibate too, if I still go ahead to date him I should not cry foul if he occasionally gets it from someone else. No, I don't want to know the details but err, I will TRY TO understand if it happens. 

Bidemi wants to know what you guys think. 

Comments

  1. I think the solution to this is simply to find someone with the same views and beliefs as you. That's probably why the bible says we should not be unequally yoked. Like you said its selfish and naive to expect him to become celibate just because of you. Bidemi should either close her eyes or go and find a celibate brother. My opinion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Need I say more? These are my exact thoughts.
      -F

      Delete
    2. Gbam! can two work together except they agree?

      Delete
  2. Hmmm, this is a complicated issue and it depends on the angle you come at it from. If you want to go the route of premarital sex being a sin, then Bidemi is right to expect her man to abstain too.
    But coming from the modern-day angle where people have sex as if they are shaking hands then she would be wrong. Men do not have cycles and hormonal shifts like women so they are built to crave sex every time. Men are procreators by instinct, it's hard wired into our DNA. We need to have sex regularly to maintain some kind of balance.
    In fact ladies, if your man doesn't want to have regular sex with you then you need to start praying because something is definitely wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This your modern day analysis is serious oo! Is this also applicable to long distance relationships?

      Delete
    2. Enjay,you dey fear for your relationship? LOL

      Delete
    3. LOL@ Anon to Enjay................................... i actually think it's selfish but my problem now in bidemi's shoes is that i know he's gonna do it and i'll know. for me if i were in the abstinence club which i am lookingv to join if not a member already, i wouldn't mind him getting off some place else as long as i don't know. it isn't fair that you meet a girl you know is staying celibate till marriage and you make her feel guilty for it. he should go release it some place else withoutv her knowledge simple.

      Steele did you know a study once revealed women are always horny and i think it's true if you ask me just that unlike men women don't have a boner to prove it. women are a bit more rational when it comes to sex than men and because society frowns at women being too sexual, it comes off as if men are engineered to always crave sex. for me, good sex is one that lasts anywhere from 2hrs and counting so judging from the guys i've dated with the exception of a few, i dont think men really like sex as much as they will have us women believe.

      Delete
    4. I don't know what regular sex is, I go with sex on demand! And yes, something is definitely wrong and those would probably be age and responsibilities.

      Truth is that it is different for 18 to 35 yo folks with extreme levels of testosterone, believe me when I write that the first thing on my mind (especially at work) is my personal safety and the last is sex. There are way too many other issues in between.

      Just wanted to bring another perspective into the last paragraph of your comment.

      Delete
    5. Uju leave studies first... Answer this, are you always horny? I usually judge with myself and what I see around me, not with studies.

      Delete
  3. Lol @ body no be wood. Bidemi may look selfish to you but is it easy to give a guy you love the consent to go and sleep with other people whether you're having sex with him or not? Isn't this tantamount to having an open relationship? I'm confused here.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Actually, it's not that simple as Thelma has already implied: "..what happens when you meet someone who's everything you've ever wanted..".

    I agree with Bidemi. He knew she was celibate before he decided she'll be good enough to be his significant other. Why then terrorize her emotions with the fact that he'll probably...and obviously get some outside this relationship? That's not fair. Body no be wood, yes, but the red light was glaring before he decided to involve himself with her. The decision to have sex outside a relationship you were clear you wouldn't be having any before you got into is VERY SELFISH. I honestly don't know how Bidemi's going to handle this, but I'm 100% certain that her boo is selfish with his decision. She should calmly have deep discussions with him on this sensitive issue.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Memphis I'm very sure he thought he would be able to do it, and I'm sure he has made efforts but as he has come to realize that he can't what should he now do? It's really not so simple. How many times have we started something we thought we could do, go on a diet, break a habit, start reading etc sometimes we actually start out but soon after we find that we cannot continue anymore, I think that's the same thing Bidemi's boyfriend is going through here and it's not fair to call him selfish, he is only human and what is happening is very normal. The guy has gone without sex for the months they've been dating. Maybe he should have gone ahead and cheated without telling her. At least that way he won't get any blame and everybody will be happy, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What Steele said about men is almost certain: "..Men are procreators by instinct, it's hard wired into our DNA. We need to have sex regularly to maintain some kind of balance..". Now, such a guy, who has even declared his love for sex, meets a girl with a massive *roadblock* as far as that area is concerned. Such men don't assume they can be celibate, and apart from the need of a companion, sex is primary to them. What should be the prudent thing to do after she has declared her stance to him? If I met a woman I wanted to date and she declares her stance on celibacy before we kick-off the relationship, it would be cruel if I cheated on her and more heartbreaking if I let her in on my intention of doing so. It's a relationship, not a fling, and both parties need to understand and respect each other's stance. Unfortunately Bidemi's boo declared his too late.

      Delete
  6. If she doesn't give in, dude is unhappy; if she does, she'll be the unhappy one. Damn! I so dislike these kind of between-a-rock-and-a-hard-thing circumstances. Can love triumph or will compromise solve this? This situation is fraught with so many variables.
    Bidemi, I dont know how you will do this but is this relationship heading into the very choppy waters of holy matrimony? Yes, and you might as well give in but the danger here is if he moves on after licking your ogbono soup. No, then call his bluff.

    ReplyDelete
  7. There's probably another reason he agreed to date her in the first place and it seems the most plausible. This won't be the first time a guy will go into a relationship with a girl that "claims" to be celibate, most times the reason for this celibacy is because they've been hurt in the past and they use this as a form of shield or filter against guys who just want to nack. Now the thing is that most guys suspect this and they go ahead and agree to the "terms" thinking that if they just show the girl how great they are they she'll drop her guard and it will happen... In 80% of these cases that's what happens, she drops the guard, what happens after the sex varies widely.
    Back to Bidemi's case, if he really loved her beyond words he would want nothing but her happiness and pressuring her into sex will definitely make her distraught. Even worse is having sex outside, the bond is broken after that if you ask me. No girl in her right senses will agree to such. The sacrifice she's asking him to make is a very steep one but if he really does love her and wants to deserve her then it's a small price to pay.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This case is very simple naa. If she is a born again christian in word and deed, then the answer is easy. Break it off! If he's also a born again christian, then seek help together with a godly couple who can help you stay strong and court in a sanctified manner OR like Paul said if you both are ready for marriage, Get married. Do a court wedding or a marriage blessing.
    Now if neither of you are born again and you are the modern day individual or ceremonial christians, then anything goes. You can allow him to do as he pleases or you break it off and find someone who is willing to be celibate with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gbam! you just plugged the charger in the charging unit.You have said it all,I need not saith more.

      Delete
    2. My dear u are more correct Dan d word 'correct ' itself

      Delete
    3. Gbamest... Although not everything is so black and white

      Delete
  9. but this isnt hard though. CLEARLY, the guy isnt the right one for her and she should move. AND most especially if she is celibate for religious reasons then OF COURSE the guy is sooooo not the right person for her. Simple.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't be too quick to judge, the fact that he wants to have sex doesn't mean that he's wrong for her. He's only being his natural self, not everyone has the same tolerance level. She can't just totally write him off cos he's horny.

      Delete
    2. I agree with Steele, his basic/primal needs does not mean he loves her less. And maybe I should have added that she made the decision to be celibate for reasons other than being born again.

      Delete
  10. I'm sure Bidemi must have told him of her celibacy before their relationship kicked off. However, what I am not clear on is whether boo consented to traveling on the same part with her. If he did. That's when getting some else where becomes cheating, but if he didn't, Bidemi shouldn't be expecting him not to. How can being in a relationship with a celibate mean automatic celibacy for someone. Even for those who aren't celibate, getting some from another person is almost inevitable these days. Boo's wrong here as I see it, is the fact that he spelt it out to her. Ok, what if boo ticks 9 of her 10 boxes and vice versa and maybe the tenth is a quality as trivia as his sleeping posture or choice on cutlery *just saying* would either of them let go and not ''at least'' try to compromise their stands?

    ReplyDelete
  11. My views is this, b4 dey started d relationship he knew dia will be no sex and I am sure dey both decided 2 be faithful so y go back now. He isn't justified 2 cheat on ha. I really don't believe men can't do without sex. so it isn't possible 4 a guy 2 be a virgin or wat, I believe It is just a matter of discipline, it is diffficult I knw but it isn't impossible. Guys should man up and don't jst give excuse . Procreate goes beyond sex u knw, it means 2 produce young ones wic goes beyond d sexual activity. Pardon my long epistle

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ times we contradicts.so I wouldn't blame D dude we re in uwa nmebi

    ReplyDelete
  13. I would dump the guy right away if I was Bidemi..aside all that has been written above, telling a woman that "if I get it from outside don't blame me" is plain silly. Isn't that blackmail and what kind of relationship is that? I believe it is disrespectful to make such statement, he simply could have gone ahead to do it.

    No matter how men are wired, a man that cannot hold body will end up burning himself at the end of the day. Dating/engagement is not suppose to last as long as a marriage, being celibate for 2 years is hard, in fact very hard but doable. It has lots of advantages too, as you are able to look at each other beyond the realm of sex. There is a whole lot in a relationship that goes beyond sex, people need to make best use of that time.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm late but I couldn't stop myself from commenting.

    There was a guy I met and was crazy about (you know, the kind of feelings you have with the whole of your heart while your brain blinks the caution light). Few days after meeting him, he wanted sex though I had been celibate for about 13 months. It got so bad one night that we had the following conversation (paraphrased):

    Him: baby, I really want you tonight
    Me: you know I want that too but I can't do that, not now
    Him: I can't control it, i need to have sex
    Me: (after some unsuccessful persuasions) what are your options?
    Him: May be I would go to a strip club if you would drop me (he has a car but doesn't drive)
    Me: ok, let's go

    (This was a guy who was celibate for 6 months (checked). But when we met, he couldn't seem to be able to control it)

    When we got to the club, he declined going in because I wouldn't go with him. He said he would take a cab home instead. I feigned anger asking why he brought me all the way to Ikeja only for him to change his mind. He apologized but chose another club. I dropped him off and zoomed off. That night, I knew I just had to kill whatever crazy affection I had for him. Our goals were not aligned and it would be selfish of me to expect so much from him. Painfully, I chose my celibacy and let him go. He told me something however, (which I couldn't verify), he said he left the club 20 minutes after he got there because he felt so lonely. I felt bad he chose sex over me but I realized we weren't on the same footing and if truth must be told, he really didn't choose sex over me. He just didn't see withholding sex from someone one 'loves' as sensible.

    Dear Bidemi, I hope you could pick one or two things from the above. All the best.
    -F

    ReplyDelete
  15. There are two ways to this from my own perspective,if Bidemi is a virgin,then the guy should be able to respect her decision of been a celibate,and respect her dignity/heart by no notifying her of his intention of having a sex partner.

    But if Bidemi is not a virgin,then it will be hard for the guy to give in...he might take it as a scam..Its hard for me to have a partner who is not a virgin and claim to be celibate...mba

    ReplyDelete
  16. I must say Thank you for the efforts You've Put in writing this blog. While searching for a related subject, your website got here up, it looks really good. I've bookmarked it. Lots of people will probably be benefited from your writing.
    Cheers!
    Call Girls in Dubai

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow such a romantic post great writing i really like it keep it up
    Indian Call Girls in Dubai

    ReplyDelete
  18. We Provide High Class Escort In Dubai // In Hotel Home 24 Hours At Reasonable Prices. We Have Serv Every Type Of Young Beautiful Indian Escort In Dubai //,Well Qualified Soft Spoken Open Mined Slim Soft Fair Charming Most Attractive Pakistani Escort In Dubai //.Is perfect one for all clients who are really need Dubai Escort Service //, it is clear that Dubai Escorts // are living better life in comparison to those who work for agency.You Can Call us For Booking +971552244915

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

***
This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…

#WriteRight. VIVIAN: MY FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYFRIEND

He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
Kai!
See how you are serious dey read this story....!
My…

...

Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...

THE ‘NEW’ SIDE CHICK: I WAS HER

A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…

Shhhhhhh....

I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Question of The Day.

TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa