This is probably the most honest post I've done in a while but hey...
So I said I won't post for a while but the expected craziness of the day is yet to begin, so here I am.
I never give it much thought but when I read a comment in the last post asking that I get my priorities straight I stopped for a moment to think.
People say you're either in denial, being dishonest or delusional when you're nearing 30 and you say you're unperturbed about being single. In my own case I probably don't help matters with the DFH posts but I'd hoped that my readers would actually read and not just jump to the conclusion once they sight the title. It had nothing to do with actually getting married but everything to do with needing a friend.
Now I need this friend because I've always been one to rub minds with someone else before I arrive at a decision. Ironically I never really need their advice but it's usually in laying out the issues and articulating the challenges that I get my answers (thus a comment I made where I said that since my best friend can't give me the time I need, I just talk and imagine I'm talking to her, and in doing this I sometimes get my answers).
I'm laid back for a number of reasons; at my age my parents have never asked or put pressure on me about marriage (unlike a lot of my friends/peers) they just figure that when the time is right it will happen, and the best they can do is pray about it. For this I'm extremely grateful, because unlike so many others pressure hasn't made me make a wrong choice. Believe me when I say that getting married is not a problem... There are suitors. My questions is, are you someone I'll want to stay married to?
The second reason is this. I am not where I thought I would be right now. There's so much I need to do, so much that God created me to do, so much I wish I have done or am doing presently. This is what's on my mind, 24/7, literally. When I get on my knees I often forget to pray about marriage, it's usually an afterthought and sometimes I forget completely. (Please believe that there are some of us that aren't spending every minute waiting for someone to 'put a ring on it'. Some of my readers don't understand this, darlings I write not just to write but to entertain you in what ways I can. When I write about needing a man it's partly because it's more relatable and entertaining than me outlining the real problems that I face. But this does not detract from the fact that I want to love and be loved.)
So no, I'm not where I ought to be.
I'm not on the career path that my heart desires. (This doesn't mean I don't want to be a lawyer).
I don't have the kind of finances I thought I would at this age.
I haven't reached those milestones in my career that I thought I would have.
One of the reasons I was created is to make a difference to those around me; to help, to heal, to provide comfort and solace. To either be a solution or provide one. To matter in the lives of people who need help (physiological, emotional and psychological) and right now I'm still 'stuck in a moment'.
I'm not where I ought to be; I've got talent in various areas but so far I'm yet to really see what I've done with them.
So many other reasons, but for now I'll keep those to myself.
There's so much that I am and I ought to be and it's just not happening yet and this is what kills me, bothers me, saddens me, keeps me awake, keeps me alive, drives me.
So when you read about me needing a man, husband, eating out in some fancy place, my sex life or lack thereof, etc these are for our entertainment, and sometimes to entertain you while showing you that it's ok to talk about certain things that you want to but never do/did. These are the things I talk about to keep me sane and smiling. Sometimes it's therapy for myself and whoever needs it.
There's just so much I am, yet I'm so far from where I ought to be.
In all honesty I cannot complain, I'm not doing too badly. On some days I feel like I'm on the right track, and I have a lot to be thankful for. Also, I have this blog and you guys. And I also know that there are a lot of us facing these same issues. So many of us feel that we're not where we want to/ought to be. Some of us still don't even know who we are and what we want to do with our lives, or the purpose we were created for (for those in this category I'll advise that you begin to do something, anything at all. In 'doing something' you will learn more about yourself and have an idea of what it is you actually want to/ought to do. It is also in 'doing something' that God finds a 'place' to bless you.) Some others know but have no wherewithal or knowledge of how to proceed...
Are you where you ought to be?