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Sh*t People Say When They're 'Wasted'. (Tonight I Cringe On His Behalf).





Haha! Isn't it crazy the things people say when they're high/inebriated/drunk/intoxicated/wasted (help me out with synonyms). Tonight was supposed to be really chilled. I've been in bed for hours, lazing around and generally doing nothing. Then *Z calls and as usual his voice makes me really excited.
Instantly he warns me "Thelma Wando (I hate it when people call me that. Pick one. Lol) I'm sorry to say this but I'm really high. I'm very high Thelma Wando". And then we speak for almost an hour and he's telling things he would never tell me in his right senses. I should have been offended by a bit of it but... Oh well. I can't say much because errrr, they were really naughty things and I love and respect Z a bit too much to have hung up on him. So I waited till he exhausted himself and almost passed out. Ok... Apparently the offer for a relationship is still on the table. And btw did I know he gives amazing 'brain'. He really does and there's also this thing he does where he flips you over in the middle of coitus and bites you gently on the butt and apparently girls really like it. Hahaha. Alcohol is a bastard! Z never visits the blog as reading is his enemy, so thank God he won't see this. 


Another terrible alcohol moment was when I dated a younger guy. I told you guys about it in one of my memoirs; being the older woman  HERE  .I didn't tell you about the night that this guy got high on something and started to literally break my heart? So here's the thing. I was older (by 3 years) and physically bigger. He was younger and a wee skinny thing, sort of looks like Wiz Khalifa but skinnier. Plus he happens to look even younger than his age. Then that night from no where he goes; "how do you think I feel? Don't you know that it's not easy when we go out together and my friends ask me if you're my aunty? You should be pitying me o!" Jesu! And the heediot was too high to feel the wrath of my anger!. The next day I asked him about it and he swore he couldn't remember anything, and then went on his knees and begged for forgiveness and then flashed those his rabbit teeth and said "baby please forgive me naaa. You know I love you". Hehe. Of course I forgave him. 


Last.. was my dear friend *Beam. Beam is a whole other person when she's high, like she has a split personality. This other person is British (Babes I wrote this with love. No vex I beg). And the person competes with Hon. Pat Obahiagbon in grammar. As in words my friend doesn't know the meaning of in real life she somehow knows them all when she's high. And then besides that she's just.... quite "extra" sometimes. So on this Saturday evening she calls me and says I should come join her and her boo at some party on Adeola Odeku, she's almost pleading. Coincidentally I'm with *Folu at Ocean Basket not very far away and Folu isn't really feeling the food so when I mentioned House party/pool party nearby she was pretty excited and we immediately headed there. It was in someone's crib in VI so supposedly said person was quite well off, but that didn't mean anything to Folu and I, we just went for the free food and drinks. The minute we got there Beam comes to meet me and greets me in 'British' so I knew my friend was already gone. I introduce here to Folu and then she says; 

Beam: Errr, hi, Fola... Sorry Folu

Folu: hi

Beam: Em, so where do you live?

Folu: Ikeja 

Beam: it's just that this party is y'know, for the elite. Y'know. Like rich kids... Like children of dignitaries and the sort. So like, they don't really like hang with people that, like, live on the mainland. You know, they're the elite, island peeps, rich kids and all. So like, mainland peeps aren't really here. So...

Folu doesn't know whether to be angry, mad, insulted, pissed off or amused... She just doesn't know. 

Now here's the funny part. Beam lives on the mainland! As in, she's a proper (Festac) chic. Secondly Folu lives at Ikeja but her father is probably wealthier than the fathers of the people at that party. Folu is the only friend I have who lives in her own home, in a crib that's in her own name, and is more well off than most young people I know. (that perception that living on the island equals wealth and living on the mainland equals the opposite is simply silly and misguided)... Thankfully we saw some people we knew and we left dear Beam to her devices and her boo. 


It's Z's call that brought all this to mind, I don't think I've ever had any terrible alcohol moments, I probably have but I'd rather not share. LOL. But hey! I'm open to hearing yours if you're so inclined. And oh, if you don't drink well then that's perfectly understandable. 

Comments

  1. ROTFL @ dating my Aunty. Aunty Thelma you have seen things. Chai!

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  2. Hahahahahhaha the part where u said d chic now lives at festac, that part killed me , lolllll

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  3. Thelma, so u dated a guy with rabbit teeth (LoL),n no be small thing. That ur friend Folu must be possessed by britiko spirit anytime she's drunk. Funny story though.

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  4. OMG. I've laughed this morning. This island, mainland wahala na die I!

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  5. Beam nwanne! Did she really say those things? It's unlike her ... Shayo na bastard!

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  6. Ha! Chocolate we gave you the gist nau. Your elder sister and your fashionista friend were there. It was a couple of weeks after your wedding. We gisted you about it at the first lunch you had at your new place and you were crying that nobody told about the parry. And we were like sorry, you're married now. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yea I think I remember now! Sorry I'm suffering from pregnancy brain!

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    2. Lol. Chocolate it is well. I'm dying to see a picture of you BTW.

      Delete
  7. I'm not much of a talker but once I'm high and my ears are buzzing ol'boy its TMI time u can call me basket mouth lols, and I also get realllllly horny so I try not to get there when I'm out with my girls alone.

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  8. I think it was one time in my university days when my head wasn't strong yet. After drinking I told my 18years old BF to marry me that minute and I can't imagine life without him. But now my head is really strong! Hehehehehe. Thanks to American Honey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I told my 18years old BF to marry me that minute and I can't imagine life without him" this really got me cracked....lol
      -F

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  9. Phransea oh!!! Ur a Badt girl oh.

    Well T, Z is just ermmmm..... being kinky.
    I think amber rose has got nothing on u seeing as u've had ur own wiz Khalifa.
    Plus I would Love to be like Beam when am high. Soo posh. LOL

    I've been drunk just twice my whole life.
    1st time= lips sealed.
    But the 2nd time I really said a lot, as in a whole Lot to my Ex.
    Needless to say he took them serious & changed a few things afterwards. Made me happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me bad?! Don't know what u on about gurl :D

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  10. I can relate to this...lol....alcohol makes one say a lot of crap...Wando can u remember abk then, chichi nd co...

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Cobs I can remember. Do you and shayo still have a love affair? My friend my friend. Lol.

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  11. Lmao! This brought back memories from 2010. It was my first time in Ibadan with a friend. We went to visit her elder sister whose boyfriend was the manager of a club at the time. On the Friday of our visit, we went clubbing and my very pretty light skinned friend - she belongs to a famous family. got so drunk for hours. She spoke a mixture of British, American and Nigerian English. She was going to take her clothes off to swim in the fountain situated at the front of the club, by then I was crying so badly and hugging her to please not take her clothes off at the same time trying to zip her dress back up. She urged her sister to stop crying over their late father cos that one was also crying seeing her in that state. It was so terrible. She said everything we gossiped about people to their faces making reference to me ''this one's hair looks like sponge, Eniola thinks so too''. LMAO! I almost pee-ed in my pant. She suggested that her sister's boyfriend find another girlfriend that her sister wasn't pretty enough, saying that he was a fine boy with so much swag. Told me how much she loved me and kissed me crying, cos she thought someone was going to beat me in the club. She told everyone that cared to listen how much she bought her shoes and that she has a more expensive one but liked the one she was wearing better. She requested that I sat on the floor with her and pee too while she pee-ed on her dress. She laughed through the entire madness. She started around 2:30 a.m up until 5:30a.m in the morning. By the time we were able to make her sit in the car, she was peering her heading through the windows waving her hands and shouting, ''thank you for coming out people, one love!''.
    It was just one crazy experience.
    For me, I think alcohol just makes me horny.
    FORGIVE TYPOS PLS, TYPED IN A RUSH

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    Replies
    1. Gaddem...lols. Never gotten drunk, too scared of loosing my sanity in public but enjoy watching others..lol. I'm always amazed at people who do the things I can't...

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    2. same here and that is my reason too. what if I say something I'm not meant to ? HA! once the words come out, theres no going back lol.

      Delete
  12. She drank a glass of Night Train in a gulp. Then others followed.

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  13. I have never gotten drunk but i do plan to.. soon lol.. I've had my own share of weed and whenever i did smoke, I get horny and sleepy.

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    Replies
    1. LMAO. SMH. OMG. The babes on this blog sha. I can't wait for the blog party o! Thelma when are we forming a planning committee?

      Delete
  14. outside topic- plz any wafi pikin here? I'ld like to know d meaning of d word migwor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Migwo means I'm on my knees greeting (you) and the reply's Vrendo.

      Delete
  15. Its a Greeting, no more no less...

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  16. Oh no, when I get drunk you need to padlock my mouth and handcuff me.

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  17. Mine was during service 2 years ago. My Bf and I went clubbing,drank so much and got high. Dunno how he managed to get me home but I remember crying when we got back,saying "I want my mummy,I want my mummy". He's never allowed me drink after that day till now. Fina

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  18. Mine was two white and red carol rosey,guys re bad o.I was making mouth dat am gonna finish it cox red wine is my favourite,I was seeing double it was not a small thing,when got home. I went straight to kitchen mumu me went to eat fried rice after consuming two bottle of wine like seriously who dos dat,went to d bathroom and start throwing up,I meximerize d whole place,even my room,I slept in my own vomit stack naked,lemme not forget I picked up my fone and started insulting my bf thank God for his understanding he knew something wasn't right cox dis wasn't me speaking to cut long tori short my dad was speechless wondering what dey av to his. Daughter,twas d house boy dat helped me to clean up every where.time for prayer d scolding wasn't here kia see life,that was d day I belive in abnormality,I was anesthetize,how I wish I was still in secondary sch dos tym I don't usually know what to wriTe on d day I will never forget dat would av been my story,abeg u guys shud forgive my long typos / d errors I can't cross check.

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  19. LOL! The post and comments are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  20. This post really brought back memories.when ever am high,I can walk up to a guy and tell him straight away if am attracted to him,I speach posh phonetics,I can dance crazy and ask pple around me in d club to create space specially for me.there was once an unknown guy even sprayed naira notes on I and my friends while dancing in the club,the second episode was when some artist gave me his card that I and my friends are invited to his video shoot all bcuz of strong drink.I even slapped a bouncer once due to highness telling him that ''who tell u say u too fine'' while pple were begging on my bhalf.sometimes I remember heart breaks and will start crying and telling my friends ''u all don't kno what av bin thru'' bt I wll never spill inner secrets oh even with my highness.My friends can do anything jst to make sure I club with them cuz its always unlimited fun, kaikai makes me to say it as it is.ThankGod 4 jesus,cuz I av really commited.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Alcohol is really a bastard. ROTFL

      Delete
  21. As in, serious major bastard. I had to quit for 27 months because mine was getting out of hand, I never remember the things that happen when I get that drunk. I gather all the gist my friends give me and try the piece the night back together. Once I woke up with a black eye and till today I can't remember gettin punched in the face. It was the next day a friend called me and said "I hear say you dey press girls Nyash anyhow for club" that's when I knew what must have attracted the blow but not who wielded the fist. Another one was when I went to the toilet in the club to pee and woke up around 9am in the toilet and didn't know where I was. Lemme not even talk of waking up naked next to girls I didn't Even remember meeting.
    I had to quit for a while before I killed myself.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lmao @the comments! I never understand how alcohol/highness does all this to people!

    ReplyDelete

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