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The Plight Of The Single Friend.


 (By Popular Demand)



Some days ago in the DFH post, (I think...) someone commented about how friends change when they get married and begin to look down on the single friends. The commenter requested that we do a post about it.
Frankly speaking I didn't think I would do a post on it as I haven't witnessed firsthand being looked down on by any of my married friends. However I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I've heard severally of married ladies who begin to think that they're better than their single counterparts. I read a comment once on SDK's blog (I think...) by a lady who said that although marriage may not be easy and it may come with many problems she would rather stay married than be single and pointed out that society had more respect for married women than single women, married women had higher status and more respectability than the single ones and it's a sign of dignity, that a man chose you above other women to make his wife, so while people complain that marriage is this and that no married woman would trade her married status for 'singlehood'... So based on that comment I agree that some married women do think they're better than the single 'uns. 

But the Anon wanted to talk about it from the friendship angle as did another reader who mailed me and a number of my single friends. *Seyi wants to know why women get married and forget their single friends, like they're no longer good enough. In her words, they behave life they got promoted after a class and you repeated so they cannot be your friends anymore, especially as you guys are no longer taking the same subjects and theirs is now more advanced. 

Someone else says for some women it's an achievement and when you haven't achieved that you're no longer good enough. 

I'm speaking based on my relationships with my married friends when I say, admittedly things do change. Although it's not meant to harm or insult they tend to drift apart from you a little bit. First off they cannot spend so much time with you anymore. They also have other priorities, different priorities. 
      Having a husband and kid(s) is a whole new ball game, so naturally they gravitate towards other wives and mothers; other married who they can relate with, learn from, share with and in times of trouble seek solace and advice from. 
      And I'll be honest, sometimes I avoid my some of my married friends. The language changes. There's one in particular who makes me wonder if she had a lobotomy the day she got married that has made it almost impossible to speak on topics that aren't husband/marriage/baby related. She's someone whom I used to share everything with and when we're together there were no dull moments but these days when we're together it's filled with long awkward silences. So naturally although I love her the same she's just not someone that I'm so keen on hanging out with anymore. I guess my point is that sometimes even single women could be the ones who create the distance. 

Anyways, let me stick to the topic, although I can speak authoritatively on the change in the dynamics of the friendship when one gets married and one doesn't, I cannot honestly say I know what it feels like to be looked down on by my married friends. 

If you do please share some light on this and why you think it happens.
To the married ladies here; have you been guilty of becoming a stranger to your 'peeps' the minute the ring came on. 

Forgive me if this post is all over the place, I'm trying to multi task. But I hope you were able to make some sense out of it. 

Comments

  1. In my own case it's the reverse.. Since I got married u have forgotten me! Wats wrong with ur bb? Been tryna to send u pics.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. H my BB is a few minutes from the grave. Saving up for a new phone but in the meantime pleeeeeeeeeeeeease mail the pictures to me. I've been meaning to ask but didn't want to bother you. thelmathinks@gmail.com
      Thanks a bunch (in advance).

      Delete
  2. I didn't forget my single friends after marriage, I just reduced the bandwagon in my life. My close friends are still very close to me. We go on dates, go to church together, still abuse and forgive each other, they still come to my house well, some sleep over whenever my hubby isn't around. In fact he asks me to call them over when he is traveling. Being married didn't tear us apart.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i just feel the family comes first after marriage and besides if you got friends who are happening babes and still single,ur husband might want you to cut out alittle bit from them....but your bestie should always be your bestie......that naughty house wife

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmmmmm.
    I don't even know what to say.....
    Like you Thelma, I subconsciously moved away from my married friends when I was unmarried - because I imagined I didn't want to be a bother.
    Now I'm married though, I feel like I've got no friends (I'm looking forward to making new friends anyway)- I cannot say if it's because I changed countries or because I'm quite a distance from what's left of my friends but, hence, my need to write about things I need to talk about.
    The friends I find I still keep in touch with are those who are married and living in the UK too- because we're experiencing the same things- the married ones in Nig dont/ hardly keep in touch either.
    It seems the single ones imagine you're at a different place and keep you at a distance and the married ones relate to you as per how you sync with them.
    That's what I think tho.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I resigned after marriage so all my single friends are way to busy to keep in touch. But I know they still care about me even though we don't speak for weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. When I got married, the few friends I had gave me space as in it really hurt me. These were peeps I could chat with all day but d minute my wedding party ended my name changed from hey doll,chick,babe,gf... To madam, iyawo I'm like wtf! Thankfully the one I call my friend didn't do dat and she got married too some months after me so we hv more things in common and are progressing together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol @ Madam, Iyawo. I never really looked at it from that angle.

      Delete
  8. Phransea u guys are PROGRESSING together? *clears throat*, exactly wat we were talking abt.

    ReplyDelete
  9. For each of my married friends it varies. For some, after the normal pleasantries we forget status and talk as Eniola and ------. While some have drawn barriers with the way they respond and sharp me too, I stop at the pleasantries. Hello -Hello.
    I remember a particular friend that got married immediately after final exams and she zapped us of twenty five thousand for bridal train duties. 25k which was supposed to cover certain things, but when reality happened a lot were missing. I paid twice, sweating as I was handing the money over both times. Fast forward to two months later, we met at a wedding and I was all smiling and jumpy waving and grinning so much. My friend simply looked up from her new blackberry torch and held her right hand up ''not waving''. To say I was pained is an understatement.I jejely withdrew and fiddled with my bold 3 too sweating on my upper lip. I didn't know she had done the same thing to another friend who was also on the train and was more pained. My other friend gave her a piece of her mind right there at the wedding and I keyed into the her ability to express herself by heaving a huge sigh of relief.

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a single girl, I had this particar friend who would rub it in our faces that she was now a married "girl" she would make statements like " I am now a proud wife, u girls should be crying". "I have a purrrferrrct (perfect) marriage" smh. The annoying part was that she would always want to be around us, and would neva fail to remind us that she was married.
    But as a married woman,I still keep intouch with my single friends though not as before I got married and we neva have silent awkward moments wen we see ourselves..

    ReplyDelete
  11. Firstly, being married does not make a woman superior to the single ladies. There are a whole lot of frustrated wives who wear masks of pretense. That is not to say being married isn't something to be proud of but it is nothing you rub in the face of the one who isn't.
    Secondly, about drifting apart, in my case (I had/have few friends), it was a matter of change of location and all the issues that come with marriage. I can never look down on my friends, be it single or married. That is just a silly attitude.
    -F

    ReplyDelete

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