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Wait, I'm Supposed To Lower My Standards Because Of My Size?




Please I didn't get the memo. The bigger the size, the lower the expectation? At least that's what my friend *Folu thinks. I've told you guys about Folu before, the one I went to the 'Rich Kids' party with where my friend Beam was well and truly wasted Here ? Well, so yes the party was filled with shidren of the wealthy. Now I also know I told you guys several months ago of the son of some very wealthy man I dated in the past. The guy in question is blue blooded, Lagos/Ikoyi old money and all, I told you about some of the travails I faced dating a member of the upper class (I did a post on that long ago but I can't even remember what it's called so I wouldn't be able to include the link). Yeah well, he was at that party. I was telling Folu about my relationship with him; how we broke up, how he came back for a reconciliation but I was done with it all and told him so. Folu's response surprised me. "Was it that time you were slim, or as you come big like this?" Yes, it was actually when I was a lot slimmer and I told her so. "Ehen, I for say. Because as you big so you no supposed dey do shakara". OMG.

Ok, we were at a party and it was noisy so I didn't pursue that line of conversation with Folu. However yesterday I chatted with my friend *Sumbo and this same relationship/marriage talk came up. She asked me about some guy who has been asking me out for sometime but whom I know I will just never take seriously because I just do not feel like he and I connect, coupled with the fact that I'm
much taller than he is and he isn't in anyway my type. Sumbo goes "you're still having a type? It's not like you're a size 10 or something...." Then she trailed off and quickly changed the topic. Last night I was in no mood for too much talk but right now I am (for writing, actually. I'm literally never in the mood to talk much). 
  
Where do people get off thinking that because someone is not slim the person is not allowed to have standards? Where, and Why? Apparently some of my friends think that I should lower my standards (by standards I don't mean he must be 7ft, have 6 packs, make 5 figures, have 4 degrees, own 3 cars, etc, I mean basic likes and then the deal breakers) the minute I started gaining the pounds. No o! I'm not exactly dancing that I put on weight but asking me I lower standards is asking me to love myself less and want less for myself. It's asking me to compromise on my happiness because I'm plus size. It just does not make sense to me. 

Just while writing this I remembered something which somehow already answers the questions that I'm asking. Some years back my friend *Mariam lost over 30kg. Mariam had been dating Wole for years, from her very fat days to her now slender days. One day she said to me, "won't lie to you babes I think I've become too good for Wole, he's even scared of letting me go out these days because of the attention I get now that I've lost weight. Ha, now that there are many guys on my case... I think I can do better than Wole jare". I paraphrased. (Doesn't this remind you of the Feeding Her Man Fat post , because she was scared that if he lost weight he'll become too good for her). 

So back to this matter. From my standpoint it's like saying look, you have a defect and therefore there should be a limit to what you can expect. Do you guys HONESTLY agree with this? (Please as with all my WPSD posts I expect 100% honesty without regard to me or anyone else). Is Fat (like) a Defect? Should this defect subject you to wanting and expecting less?

But is there some logic for this? Let's talk objectively. Is it only logical that a big/fat/plus size woman lower her expectations and standards in love, men and relationships?

......
As always, I advocate self-love regardless of your dress size. But remember that self-love also includes striving to be the best version of you you can possibly be, and if dropping some pounds would do you good then you should try to do just that. 

Comments

  1. Dia is no perfect answer for most questions so my answer isn't without it own flaws. Shd d basis for a relationship be physical appearance or sometin deeper dan dat. I am not trying to rule out the fact that appearance has it place but relationship and marriage goes beyond that. We should try to be presentable, fit and not let ourselves look wild or unkempt but love goes beyond that 2 me. Dia is notin bad with being fat and expecting people 2 lower dia standard or think less of dem self because they are big is nonsense and demeaning. My 2-cent

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  2. One thing I truly believe in this life is whatever you are looking for is what you will find. If a man or woman truly finds what they want in plus size or skinny person, they will go for it. So your size should not matter as much as what is inside of you. If you exude confidence, have a nice personality and good character to go with it, my dear you will find someone that ticks your boxes. How long it might take? I don't know but you will find it. So its up to you to first of all know who you are a person before you have an idea of what you want. Then keep an open heart and refuse to compromise on your deal breakers, the right person will come along. To answer your questions, NO you should not lower your standards because of size

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  3. I can understand what your friend that lost weight meant sha. It's like you're suddenly more valuable and you begin to attach more value and importance to yourself, that could make you begin to think you're too good for your longtime significant other. So in this same vain, maybe some people think if you're that fat your "market" value drops and you cannot afford to be so choosy. I'm not saying I agree but that's just how life is.

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  4. Please don't compromise on anything, especially not because of your weight or anything. Rme.

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  5. In school back then, while I stayed for sometime at the room of my course-mate, I observed that *Silas, his neighbor, had 3 steady girlfriends, all plus size. One evening we got into one of our boy-talks and we confronted Silas on his choice of women. Silas, meanwhile, is short (5ft3’) and we all wondered how he was always able to manage his girls, who were all bigger and taller. Silas, with a very relaxed smile said, “Well, they really don’t have much choice now, do they? When all the okpekes have been, and will always be taken”. Then, after some more answers to justify his desired choice, said, “The fatter, the tighter”.

    Your standards don’t need to be lowered, shouldn’t even be lowered at all, but people generally don’t appreciate plus size men and women, and most fat people have low self esteem when they realize this. Most men who want to date (or who are dating) plus size ladies do so majorly for the purpose of sex. Only very few end up in marriage or long term relationships. Lowering your standards means you’ll end up like one of Silas’ girls who “don’t have much choice”.

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    Replies
    1. your post kinda reminds me of my group where the guys are in the majority. one day we were arguing about spending money and all that so i said something about my boyfriend buying an 8kUSD watch suddenly the argument is forgotten, the issue became me. so majority of the guys couldnt believe i could afford to date a "rich guy" cos i'm curvy or fat whatever. one said, "he is only enjoying the fat sex when it's time to get married he'll go look for a skinny chic". i was shocked at their reaction because 3 guys from this group of mine have been trying to get with me. so what it means is that obviously they just want the fat sex but not me. one even found it difficult to believe i can afford to have sex more than once in a month talk more of having a boyfriend. it's funny though. there is thisv one guy in the group that only has BIG girlfriends time to get married, he goes slim. well to each his own.. i believe a lot of men prefare curvvy girls but because a lot of them care so much about what society thinks, they join the band wagon and deprive themselves of what they truly want, for me, if i marry an anyhow person chances are it's bcos age is not so much on my side not bcos i'm fat. i don't think i'm fat until i try on a dress i like or i feel my face has become chubby then i wanna lose a bit of weight. i love my curves though without the love handles sha. even so i cant lower my expectations for a guy cos of my size. impossicant

      Delete
    2. what an ignorant statement from Memphis above. what do u mean by ppl dont generally appreciate plus sized women? or is it just me and the world i live in? I think not. Matter of fact, a lot of men do. Anyways back to you T, never EVER lower ur standards becuz of ur weight. u deserve just as much as sooo much better than anyone else. Geez what sorta friends do u have ? and what sort of friends do u even surround urself with? the way both of them just came out with it like that...hmmm bad negative energy. i think thats where u shud start, the ppl u surround urself with.

      Delete
    3. sorry i meant ''just as much and u deserve so much better''

      Delete
  6. Unfortunately a lot of people weight their esteem and life choices based on how they look, and this is inbred by the society as well. It is left to you to decide to work along with that or carve out your own path. I don't agree with the general rule obviously cos I know a lot of guys set gets o, fine, confident and comfy, who not just dated plus size ladies, but married them too. They even say the curves are their biggest turn on :)

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  7. People cannot dictate how you create your standards for your life. Just make sure you are happy with the said standards.

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  8. This question is btw,thelma do you sincerely think you are doing enough to shed the extra weight? I went to my family friend place sometime in april and her younger sis came visiting for a week and kept complaining of her weight.she told her to stay back with her till he shed the extra weight.We are in june and she put up her sister' pictures I was speechless.I have a friend that kept complaing of her weight and weight related problems and one day I snapped and told her the truth.If she put same energy she uses in complainng when pple pick on her(wrong I know)she'll loose weight.shez 10kg down from that speech.It's not easy to lose weight but if you are determined and disciplined you'll make it.I challenge you today,tell us what you weigh today ,tell u your target weight and keep us posted on what you do to lose the weight.I'll give you a clue of what my fam friend did after her pregnancy to hed weight and same thing she did for her sis.she took mostly protein,lots of veg and fruit and very little ,verrrryyy little carb.no junk food whatsoever.you can do it.

    Back to the post,NO you don't have to lower your standard.
    Don't let those comments get to you cos they will naturally come.It's like applying for a job in Shell with a third class or pass,ppl must look mock you in one way or the other.

    With lots of love

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    Replies
    1. Anon I've lost over 40kg in the past, I know what I need to do to lose weight o! That's not what the post is about at all. To answer your question no I'm not doing enough, but that's probably because I'm dealing with more serious issues than weight at the moment. Hopefully soon I'll put more effort into it, but I'll be honest with you, for now it just isn't priority.

      Delete
    2. God will give you the grace to sort those serious issues out fast so you can move on to other things you desire.

      Delete
  9. Sorry for all the typos.

    ReplyDelete
  10. And plenty of skipping.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nobody need lower any standard but we all must live with the consequences of our decisions.

    Certain kinds of people have fewer opportunities for dates because the society has conditioned many of us to look at outward appearance only. And just like how goods are priced in the market, not so preferred alternatives command lower prices. Sad but the reality..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you on this.
      To add to this, the low self esteem a lot of overweight people have is even the major issue. It robs them of the opportunity to express themselves and be who they really are, it makes them vulnerable yet defensive.
      That's what I think should be worked on, not lowering their standards just because of size.

      Delete
    2. I agree with you sir!

      Delete
  12. So being a plus size is now a crime? does it makes you less of a human being?
    I don't gehrit, guys are soooooooooooooooooooo funny i swear.
    You find a man who claims he can never marry a plus size woman but will keep plus size women as mistresses and we all know that the only reason a man would cheat is the craving for that which he can not get from wify. why do we love to deceive ourselves in this country. you don't love something yet u will die for that same thing.
    Nigerian men love curvy women believe me! if they are good enough for sex then they are GOOD cos truth is sex is the only thing men love after money and football.
    these so called "lovers of slimshady" will still cheat on slim shady with curvy and flaunt curvy at functions or hangout with friends yet u say they are "Not Good Enough"? lol.
    MEN STOP DECEIVING YUA SEYVS AND GO FOR WHOM YOU TRULY LOVE FORGAYT WOT PIPO GATO SAY #inchigurlzvoice#

    ReplyDelete
  13. First off, I didn't know that sex with plus sized women is better o. I've been living under a rock.
    Back to the standards question, it can apply to me and my choices. I'm not tall, not particularly handsome, not rich, not chiseled like those guys on the covers of romance novels but I'm a good person with an even better heart and I chose to deserve what I want. When I tell people of my type of woman they look at me like I'm mad cos they think such women are reserved for millionaires or guys that look like Thor. The way I see it any woman will be lucky to date me and I've programmed myself that way, so I can't lower my standards because I don't look a certain way, I'm intelligent, funny when I want to be, nice to a fault sometimes, all my limbs are working perfectly, I've got all my senses, I'm extremely healthy and I know how to love a woman so who are you to tell me I can't date who I want to date?
    I remember something my own sister told me a while back, I told her that I wonder why whenever I go out with my friends they get all the cool girls and it's only the one om not interested in that seems to be interested in me, her response was "it's probably because you're not tall". So since then I decided to start going for girls that were either my height or taller. If not for me so that my children won't suffer the short man stigma that I suffer.
    Point is if you know who you are and you truly love and appreciate yourself then you won't lower your standards for any reason.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Our standards are our standards. Each time we reject someone, we are taking a risk "I'd rather remain single than date/ marry this person" and that's an individual choice. It's not up to anybody to question the standards of someone else. That's why we're different people. Does she think you don't have a mirror in your house? I don't understand why anyone feels it is okay to tell someone they should be less choosy, less determined, aim lower, etc for any reason.

    ReplyDelete
  15. As much as we all want to be Anti-PlusSize or Pro-PlusSize, the serious matter is that being Plus Size is not Medically healthy(e.g Heart Failure, compressed lungs etc). Ignoring that Fact is only to the plus-sizes' detriment. Simple

    ReplyDelete

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