Literally, what do you do?
His father just called an hour ago and it went something like this.
Me: Hello, good evening sir.
Him: daughter in law how are you?
Me: *chuckles*. Fine sir.
Him: You don't want to come and see your people abi?
Him: why haven't you come? You have been dilly dallying. Or has someone engaged you in Lagos?
Me: no sir, nobody has engaged me (lol)
This is how the call started, nothing new as it's usually how the first few minutes of our calls begin. Today however it was a bit more indepth and Chief and I spoke very honestly for the first time. Other times I chuckle in response to everything he says for the whole length of the call. Chief is Permanent Secretary in a state in the South. Chief was once the Chairman of IRS in said state. Chief's son, *Boma has made it clear he's ready to settle down and I'm the one he wants to settle with. So he and Chief have been on this matter since June 2012. TBH in May 2012 I thought when Boma returned home that would be the end, so in the interim I was "chopping" his money and living large at his expense (you'll read this but hey, I'm just being honest). But little did I know that it was even after he left that his pursuit would intensify. I remember that morning in June 2012 when Chief called me for the first time. It was about 7am and his call woke me up.
Him: hello, this is Chief... Chairman, Internal Revenue Service, *** state. My son has brought it to my notice that he is keen on marrying you...
I remember wondering why he had to begin by telling me he's Chairman of so so and so. At some point during the call he asked when they could come and see my parents and if I had an estimate of what my bride price would be. He said his son told him it was about 2M naira and he wanted to know if that was correct as they wanted to start making plans immediately. I had once jokingly told Boma my bride price would cost that much because he isn't Igbo, but I said that as a joke, and also to deter him. I told Chief these were things he would discuss with my parents but I would have to let them know later when they can come.
Anyways bottom line is, 2 years later and we're still on the matter. Today I expressed my reservations to Chief. (I must be really maturing... No longer am I the chuckling child). But before I get to my reservation I must first have you know that Boma and I never actually dated, because I never agreed to. He is an AMAZING person but as usual I felt/feel little attraction. So I turned down his requests for a relationship. It was then he said he didn't even want to date me, he wants to marry me. Sometime last year he said "Nwando I don't want to date you o! I want to marry you, anything you show me when we marry, whether good or bad, I'll take it like that".Hmmm. He also always says that on our wedding day the reverse would be the case, it's not I the bride that will cry, it's him that will cry and just be thanking God, "At last. At last. Chai father thank You". LOL.
So my reservations are Attraction (one of the reasons I keep doing posts asking how important attraction is in marriage. So far, thanks to this blog, I've learnt that compatibility, love, friendship, mutual respect and similar values are more important than attraction).
The other is that we are age mates. I'm actually some months older. I don't know if this would really pose a problem but I would prefer someone at least five years older.
The third reservation brings us to the topic of this post and today's conversation with Chief. Chief insists that we must live in that Southern state. For the first time, today I told Chief why I don't want to. He then said, you can't leave Lagos state but if I give you guys money and send you both to live in New York won't you go? I hesitated and told Chief that that would be progress but moving to the South wouldn't be, for me. Chief pointed out that we cannot grow in Lagos. He has plans for Boma, plans in connection to the government, plans of certain multi million contracts, and this can only come to fruition in the home state. And as the wife, he would be able to do certain things for me but we can't do this in Lagos.
So bottom line, based on what I've learnt about attraction I think I can almost confidently say that I'm willing to overlook that factor, or the absence thereof. There are a few other factors that I'll keep to myself for now but what bugs me is ... Leaving Lagos for the South. I really really really do not want to. I've already even picked out my kids crèches and primary school here. My life, my plans right now are centered around Lagos. Worst case scenerio Enugu, Abuja or Port Harcourt. Best case scenerio, the Diaspora.
What do you do when love or marriage takes you somewhere you have no love for, no likeness for, no friends, no family, no possibility to chase the dreams you have for your life, no bright lights, no excitement. Nothing but a husband...? And I'm almost certain that once baby number 1 comes I'll end up being a house wife in the South for the rest of eternity.
I typed this some days ago but I didn't want to share because I felt it was a bit too personal, but I'm seriously getting concerned. I don't want to "use my husband to do boyfriend", and I don't want to end up resenting him for the rest of my life for supposedly killing my dreams. And seriously (mature/married readers I need your opinion here) is the absence of attraction something I can overlook?