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What Do You Do When Love Takes You To The Last Place You Want ToBe? *Pensive*

Literally, what do you do?
His father just called an hour ago and it went something like this. 
Me: Hello, good evening sir. 
Him: daughter in law how are you?
Me: *chuckles*. Fine sir. 
Him: You don't want to come and see your people abi?
Me: *chuckles*
Him: why haven't you come? You have been dilly dallying. Or has someone engaged you in Lagos?
Me: no sir, nobody has engaged me (lol)
Him: so what is the problem, we want to marry you? Why are you delaying?

This is how the call started, nothing new as it's usually how the first few minutes of our calls begin. Today however it was a bit more indepth and Chief and I spoke very honestly for the first time. Other times I chuckle in response to everything he says for the whole length of the call. Chief is Permanent Secretary in a state in the South. Chief was once the Chairman of IRS in said state. Chief's son, *Boma has made it clear he's ready to settle down and I'm the one he wants to settle with. So he and Chief have been on this matter since June 2012. TBH in May 2012 I thought when Boma returned home that would be the end, so in the interim I was "chopping" his money and living large at his expense (you'll read this but hey, I'm just being honest). But little did I know that it was even after he left that his pursuit would intensify. I remember that morning in June 2012 when Chief called me for the first time. It was about 7am and his call woke me up. 

Him: hello, this is Chief... Chairman, Internal Revenue Service, *** state. My son has brought it to my notice that he is keen on marrying you...

I remember wondering why he had to begin by telling me he's Chairman of so so and so. At some point during the call he asked when they could come and see my parents and if I had an estimate of what my bride price would be. He said his son told him it was about 2M naira and he wanted to know if that was correct as they wanted to start making plans immediately. I had once jokingly told Boma my bride price would cost that much because he isn't Igbo, but I said that as a joke, and also to deter him. I told Chief these were things he would discuss with my parents but I would have to let them know later when they can come. 

Anyways bottom line is, 2 years later and we're still on the matter. Today I expressed my reservations to Chief. (I must be really maturing... No longer am I the chuckling child). But before I get to my reservation I must first have you know that Boma and I never actually dated, because I never agreed to. He is an AMAZING person but as usual I felt/feel little attraction. So I turned down his requests for a relationship. It was then he said he didn't even want to date me, he wants to marry me. Sometime last year he said "Nwando I don't want to date you o! I want to marry you, anything you show me when we marry, whether good or bad, I'll take it like that".Hmmm. He also always says that on our wedding day the reverse would be the case, it's not I the bride that will cry, it's him that will cry and just be thanking God, "At last. At last. Chai father thank You". LOL. 

So my reservations are Attraction (one of the reasons I keep doing posts asking how important attraction is in marriage. So far, thanks to this blog, I've learnt that compatibility, love, friendship, mutual respect and similar values are more important than attraction). 

The other is that we are age mates. I'm actually some months older. I don't know if this would really pose a problem but I would prefer someone at least five years older. 
The third reservation brings us to the topic of this post and today's conversation with Chief. Chief insists that we must live in that Southern state. For the first time, today I told Chief why I don't want to. He then said, you can't leave Lagos state but if I give you guys money and send you both to live in New York won't you go? I hesitated and told Chief that that would be progress but moving to the South wouldn't be, for me.  Chief pointed out that we cannot grow in Lagos. He has plans for Boma, plans in connection to the government, plans of certain multi million contracts, and this can only come to fruition in the home state. And as the wife, he would be able to do certain things for me but we can't do this in Lagos. 

So bottom line, based on what I've learnt about attraction I think I can almost confidently say that I'm willing to overlook that factor, or the absence thereof. There are a few other factors that I'll keep to myself for now but what bugs me is ... Leaving Lagos for the South. I really really really do not want to. I've already even picked out my kids crèches and primary school here. My life, my plans right now are centered around Lagos. Worst case scenerio Enugu, Abuja or Port Harcourt. Best case scenerio, the Diaspora. 

What do you do when love or marriage takes you somewhere you have no love for, no likeness for, no friends, no family, no possibility to chase the dreams you have for your life, no bright lights, no excitement. Nothing but a husband...? And I'm almost certain that once baby number 1 comes I'll end up being a house wife in the South for the rest of eternity. 

I typed this some days ago but I didn't want to share because I felt it was a bit too personal, but I'm seriously getting concerned. I don't want to "use my husband to do boyfriend", and I don't want to end up resenting him for the rest of my life for supposedly killing my dreams. And seriously (mature/married readers I need your opinion here) is the absence of attraction something I can overlook?


  1. Personally, i think you have to have some form of attraction for whoever you plan to spend the rest of your life with.. if you do not have that, i think it may feel like a business know..
    from what you have written, you do not have feelings for him so why settle because of the perks ? Yes you may start having feelings for him later on in marriage but what are the chances ?
    oya, married folks.....**passing the microphone to you guys**

    1. Meme you're right. I think I began to consider it because of late I've been listening to many married folks who say there was no love/friendship/attraction before the wedding but it all came afterwards. Enjay's comment is a perfect example. But like you said, what are the chances? I've also heard of cases where it ended up being a complete disaster.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I like that you're not getting carried away with the wealth.this isn't an easy one T. Do Do you love this guy enough to sacrifice all your dreams? You need God's direction with this.

  4. Truth be told, i wasn't really attracted to my husband when we first met. But I really liked him and he had the characters i wanted in a man but the physical attraction just wasn't there. I got to learn that it is not just attraction that makes the home. I focused on knowing him better and if you see us today you will think we were given birth to together.
    My point is maybe you should get to know him better, spend time together, talk more, the attraction might come by doing that when you find out stuff about each other.
    On the issue of relocating, a lot of women do it Especially when they get married and it works for them. You might even like the place better than u can ever imagine. Just be sure you keep in touch with your people and let them visit often and you visit them as well. But be sure he is worth the sacrifice.

    1. Thanks Subomi.
      @ liking the place.... Hmmm, this my Lagos is where I want to be. *sobs*. Lol.

  5. Awwww, My T... I was here hoping it's P.H that's ur option south zone, at least i'll start famzing physically. LOL

    Here's what I think. If He treats U WELL, If he Loves U like u desire, please the attraction will COME. All my married Aunts & my mom felt same way. Just the same way a man who doesn't treat u well will make the attraction U feel fade away...

    Honestly hon, am not saying U should marry him tomorrow but give him a chance, a real chance. Open ur heart to him, visit the supposed home to see what life over there feels like.... it's a Start.

  6. Talk to ur mum bout this then Talk to God one-on-one...

  7. Hey Thelma, great blog btw! I think you cannot overlook love, not just lust/chemistry. When u love someone, you are willing to go through anything to be with them. If you marry this guy without love, u will eventually resent him for the life you have left behind. No amount of money will make u feel better. If you love him though, it will make a tough pill easier to swallow and you will be able to deal with anything that comes to u.
    Pls don't let anyone tell u that love is not important in marriage because it definitely is. If u are not in love with this guy, don't marry him. Hope that helps!

  8. I almost cried reading can sum1 b dis honest 2herslf? Ur a 1st 4me.Follow ur heart,light will guide u home n ignite ur bones n fix u.Charsy

    1. Please shed more light on the dishonesty. You obviously know me better than I know myself and right now I'm quite confused.

    2. Anonymous wrote/meant "how can someone be this honest to herself"? Not dishonest..

    3. Oya Thelma apologise to that anon. These days 'dis' is used in place of 'this'. He/she meant no harm.

    4. Anon I'm sorry. I thought you meant dishonest and it was 'biting' me because I just finished pouring my heart out and someone called me dishonest. I crave your forgiveness. Thanks in anticipation.

  9. In 2008 during a training in church, I met a woman who said that she didn't court her hubby. He just came to her father's house and said he wanted to marry her. At the time we spoke they already had teenagers, but this man will still buy her lunch/snacks and 'smuggle' it in. He'll pick her after each session (which lasted for 6 months - every sunday) and vigils that ended by 1,2am. All the single ladies were in awe.

    A male friend once told me that couples can never love equally. One person must love more. The best thing that can happen to a good woman is to have a man who loves her more. It saves you a lot.

    I'm sorry for the epistle but I hope you picked something. Whatever makes you happy, because in the end, it'd all about you. Be sure you have no regrets. Count the cost very well and commit it into God's hands. I pray you have all the wisdom you need to take the right step in boldness IJN

    1. *she wasn't courted by her hubby

  10. Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate it. At this point I guess I just need God to step in, this is a decision I cannot make on my own.

  11. Great blog Thelma, am hooked. Am not married but I do think love is very important or atleast a very strong like before marriage. And also if your sure this guy would treat you right, if you feel at 'peace' with him, its worth giving a chance... I like the way he said he dosent want to date you, he wants to marry you, that's someone that knows what he wants, but to be honest, sometimes not dating someone before marriage is risky, am talking from a close experience I was privy to,try and get to know this guy PROPERLY,know him. if he's someone you can live with...its worth giving a chance

  12. Ok, I don't know if it is the culture but why is it that Boma's father is the one laying out the plans with you? I thought it should be Boma having those discussions with you?

    I am sure my wife loved Lagos more than you but she relocated and loved have to decide if you want to forgo Lagos for something else.

    Focus less on where to settle, you need to first decide if you want to pitch your tent with Boma. I am not one of those people that throws the "love will grow" mantra around. Yes, it will grow but make sure the seed is fertile and the land is rich. God will perfect the rest as you water it.

    1. Wale I just had to reply you. You are too wise! You know where I wrote that there are other factors I don't want to talk about, this is one of them. Daddy is the one laying the foundation for EVERYTHING! I once told someone that if we do get married daddy may draw up a time table for when we shag and positions we must do. It's that bad. We're not even married and daddy is already making some rules for me that I couldn't write in the post. But I know Boma is a good man with a beautiful heart and this is the only reason I'm wondering if I should consider this plan/proposal.

    2. Thank you my brother I was wondering the same. A man who wants to marry you will scatter your head with his plans for a future with you. As in you will be included with everything that concerns him that you will say 'ah where you go, I will go' 'your people will become my people' My dear from what I'm seeing dude has not convinced you he is worth it. If you have a strong personality and independent like me, oh girl this family situation no go work o. If you are docile and don't mind, then maybe proceed with caution. I think you seriously need to sit down with dude, tell him your concerns i.e why do you want to marry, why do you want to marry me, what will be your father's role in OUR family, are you willing to give me time to think about this on my own before i give you an answer, etc. The answers to this questions will guide you on the next steps. Hopefully he can look inside and give you honest answers. Being a good guy with money is not enough o! My gf just concluded divorce from marriage of 7 years married to a son of rich man who controlled his entire family. It was good at first to be chopping money but when she realized she was an independent, progressive woman it didn't sit well with family. Na from der wahala bust. Long and short it got worse and worst and then now they are divorced with father in law swearing to okija shrine that he will deal with her for destroying his family and getting custody of his grandchildren. Sorry for my long epistle jare but have a heart to heart talk with dude and take sometime away to reflect and seek God

    3. Thanks for the compliment, Thelma. I am sure you will make a decision that is good for you at the end of the day.

  13. Marriage takes u to odd places... If it's Ibadan , u will be close to candy..she lives there with her husby.

    1. You're right sha. I remember how Candy was in denial about Ibadan until after the wedding. Hahahahaha. Lol. Chai! It is well.

  14. Dis is totally out of d question but I wil stil ask, ow come ur friends ve such sweet nicknames chocolate,candy. Dey are jst 2 I knw. It jst struck me. Dia is sometin sweet abt u.

    1. See you! You've not heard of Ziggy, Sasha, Beam, Cream, Pina colada, Mimosa? Lol sweet sweet names o

  15. I think you should be sure of compatibility and liking him to a certain degree. I think you should date him for a while please. Relocation is a sacrifice you'd have to make but be sure to have plans on being busy in the other state and follow through.
    I pray that God leads you.

  16. Trust me when a man treats u right love grows!! When I bet hubby did I think.he was morris! But now I can't even seem to compare anyone to him because in my eyes he is all beautiful and love grows deeper u said dear u can't makes this decision alone forget ur desire of where u want to live or not only God knows tomorrow. Pray and fast and pray and fast and get mum and men of God to pray with u. You will not make mistakes in that respect in Jesus name. Once God says yes everything else is preamble trust me x

  17. I have been in those shoes and I can confidently say that love does always grow. But like Wale said, the requirements for growth must be present. When you are married, you will eventually see that it takes more than love to sustain a marriage. You are a strong-willed and dedicated lady (I saw this from your posts) and women of such character go extra mile to ensure whatever they lay their hands upon become success. You need those qualities - strong-will, dedication and of course love (as an act and not emotion) to whether the storms of marriage. Mind you, success in marriage takes two. How well do you know Boma? Is he the kind of guy who has the mind of his own? Is he the kind that waits on his parents to plan every step of his life? How much of his decisions are left in the hands of daddy?

    You may not be strongly attracted to him but I am sure you do not resent him either otherwise, you wouldn't even be here considering his proposal.It may be a case of allowing other factors hinder the growth of any iota of feeling you may have for him. We often look at love as what we feel, but love in the real sense is more of what we do/show rather than what we feel - the sacrifices we are willing to make for people. If love was all about what we feel or attraction, the Bible would not admonish us to love because we have little control over what we feel in our hearts but a lot of control over our acts/actions.

    As for the age: do you really look older? If no, then this is not an issue. Would you rather he was 20 years older than you are? Believe me, I have seen this too often. What you should be asking is: can you respect him as your husband and your leader?

    Most importantly, please allow God choose for you. But when you go to God, do not dictate the outcome of your conversation with Him and bear in mind that God's gifts do not always come in attractive packages.

    1. As for the relocation, please allow me ask: does his dreams align with daddy's plans for him in the said state or he is tagging along because daddy says so? If the former is the case, please do not see relocating as a huge deal. I am certain if you look well, you would see that opportunities abound in the said state. You come across to me like someone who could sell an ice to an eskimo and squeeze water out of a rock once you set your mind on it. Wish you all the best.
      P.S. Up above (first line), I meant to write 'love does always grow if we allow it'

    2. Thanks a lot F. He has come to believe that daddy's plans align with his. Somehow his mind has been reset to think that daddy's plans are his. So everything daddy wants he automatically what he wants. He studied a course daddy wanted, very different from what he wanted, he went to the schools daddy wanted, he's presently now working where he wanted but where daddy wanted. Somehow even though they're not his original plans he accepts them and makes them his. As you can see daddy is the one doing most of the proposal. Probably because of the age thingy he kind of 'fears' (not sure if that's the right word) me, so the hard questions and all of that it's daddy that calls me to ask them. It's daddy that accuses me of being engaged to someone else and not being honest with them. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be marrying him or daddy. F I actually do like this guy as a friend, plus the fact that he more of less worships me and does everything he can to please me is quite endearing. Add to that, he has a kind heart. But this daddy factor, attraction and relocation to the south, that's some of what gives me pause.

    3. Dear Thelma, can we cut him some slack (not at the expense of reality though)?. Does he do daddy's wish because he has no mind of his own OR he does because he adores his dad and sees him as someone who has his best interest at heart - someone he (Boma) looks up to/admires? It is very important for a man to be independent minded. Honestly, I do not really see him as someone whose father has absolute influence on him (I may be wrong). I said this because if that were the case, his father could have insisted on meeting you and vetting your qualities to his satisfaction before talking marriage. I may also be wrong but I think he is used to running to daddy when he is in need to get out of a fix and not necessarily for daddy to plan or dictate his every move. My MD who is in his early thirties accepted to lead his company's father as a sacrifice to the family and as a means of saying 'thank you for all you have done for me, daddy'.

      On the side of relocation, does he have plans for you? I have a colleague whose fiance lives in PH but she (my colleague) is a PA here in Lagos. They sorted the relocation issue by agreeing that she takes some courses in make up/cosmetics which will enable her to eventually set up a biz in PH. They already have a business plan up to a location of the business.

      By and large, please, you two need to sit and discuss your fears; open your mind to him (I am by no means suggesting auto acceptance) and discover the man in him. Who knows what (or who) you will find if you do?

    4. Sorry for the typos.....*father's company*

  18. Pray and be realistic with yourself. My hubby is the opposite of what I am physically attracted to. I love him more and more everyday largely in part because of how he dotes on me. So Thelma please be very honest with yourself. I also think you need to tell Bomas father you want to hear from Boma himself as you would like to know who you arr likely to be dealing with.

  19. @Thelma talk to GOD, he hears and speaks to us....Our sins hinders us from hearing...please when it comes to r/ship or marriage issues i feel GOD should be our first adviser. There was this guy disturbing me for r/ship and i kept having this feeling that he was pretending to be a good guy(playing only christian music when we are together etc)I went to talk to GOD about this......And guess what? Few days later the guy sent me a message that he was not interested again....I was so happy i talked with GOD!

  20. The Lady F has said it all T. The only question I have is, Is there anything you find attractive about him? maybe the way he eats, talks, laughs e.t.c Joy

  21. hmmmm I smell trouble T. I want to believe ure not one to fall for peer pressure so y are u even considering marrying this guy in the first place? 1. the attraction is simply not there. Dont u want to wake up evry morning to sumone ure attracted to?? even preachers, and the men of God talk about this all the time. attraction is HIGHLY important and it should be a dealbreaker if u ask me. U marry him cuz his nice n sweet n al n then what happens wen u meet a guy ure attracted to?
    Secondly, erm daddy clearly has a strong influence, I say RUN! (talkin from experience). wont say much on that. Thirdly, u posted some blogs a while back for us to read, do u rememba diva journals? did u c the effects of her moving to be with her husband in the UK? If u ask me, u r ''well settled'' in lagos and i think moving to some 'strange'' state in the east will only eventually make u resent this guy more (this guy u arent even attracted to in the first place). i'm sorry but i just feel there are wayyyyyyyy too many deal breakers here. WAIT, till u find someone u r very compatible with and someone with which u share a vision. Go watch Heather Lindsey's youtube videos, it should help clarify things a bit more, especially the one about u+hubby having the same vision etc. Got a lot to say on this (from experience) and I rili dont want u making the wrong choice. Prayer too is key but be realistic and practical too.

  22. I wouldn't Have said better than what everyone else said..but I noticed something about the article,are you sure that even if you eventually get married to this boma guy is father won't be the one controlling your home?
    Relocating isn't a big issue as you think it is,what if U are married an ur boo got transferred to the south?
    I think you should be discussing more with The man in question,not the father

  23. good morning everyone! but what's Boma's view on this matter?

  24. hmm, something about this narration just doesn't seat well with me. Daddy sure has a strong influence on Boma and is obviously already extending same to you. Like Wale pointed out, why is it daddy that is having these discussions of conviction with you? Where or what has Boma been doing as regards all of these? Been age mates doesn't really matter and your ability to visualize him as a hubby figure will help matters. Which won't be an issue if you two are able to kick off as best friends, but unfortunately, this is the genesis of the whole matter and there are too many ''unhealthy'' factors to be considered already. In our society, relocation is almost automatic for the woman after marriage.
    Weigh the pros and cons and let the spirit lead you.

  25. I for one think Thelma dint want to settle for a non Igbo person (not bn tribal here pls.) So you giving this a consideration in the first place still baffles me. Thelma you are a strong woman that gat lots going on for her. From your narration, I fear for you dear. This type of father inlaws are the ones that dictates and you must obey. Your opinions and ideas are just gonna end in the bedroom with your Boma cos he will come and tell you that's what daddy and I want. And when u try to form votron or prove that you *sabi* book, your father inlaw wil remind you the huge sum they paid to buy so you must obey. All in all, I will advise you be friends with Boma and his family first, is his mum still around? Get to know them all, do your research, pray very well. God will do the rest. Luv you dear and wish you all the best. E-hugs

  26. As for relocating, don't let your fear of leaving your comfort zone hold you back, you don't know what awaits you somewhere else. Think about this.
    The age is irrelevant if he is mature and you respect him, I have a friend who married a lady 2yrs older than him and 6 years later he told me that the best two decisions he made in his life were marrying his wife and resigning to start his own business. These are two things that scared the hell out of him.
    I'm in no way saying you should marry or not marry Boma, I'm saying open your mind and your heart to God's plan for your life so that you won't be too distracted to recognize it when it comes, talk to Boma about your fears especially the fact that his dad is the one making all the moves. Tell him you're not comfy with the things you're not comfy with and if he's half as good as you say he is he'll start working to correct it and you'll see changes.
    I'm currently with someone who I know isn't in love with me but I love her a lot. When we met years ago she wrote me off immediately cos I wasn't her type and she didn't like me at all (according to her), we eventually became best friends and now we're quite intimate, recently she started making statements like "I think I can fall in love with you" and "you're the kind of man I want to marry". I don't want to get excited yet because she's quite hot and there are plenty "chairmen" on her case and I'm not sure that she's ready to give up the perks that come with the attention, they are perks I can't even begin to match right now. But, I've been patient for this long and as I've not seen any better candidate I'll stay patient till I do or till she decides she's ready to grow up.

    1. I must say I'm quite fascinated by your comment. If I'm crossing any boundaries please feel free to tell me to but out. I always love to gain more insight into the mind of the mature (Nigerian) man.
      Background: I'm female, Nigerian, Psychiatrist (explains the need to analyze), living in the USA. I notice different patterns in dating behaviors between Naija and US.
      So is this girl your girlfriend or do you consider yourself still a "toaster"? If she's your GF how do you feel about the idea of her entertaining other suitors? How does she feel about the idea of you possibly finding other candidates?
      Once again sorry for being so nosy oo, just my over inquisitive mind.

  27. Thelma first of love perfect love casts out fear. You shouldn't be going through anguish to choose a life partner. So you need to take a step back from the whole situation. Do not allow yourself to be pressured by anybody. You're not a small girl and I believe mature as well. Use your heart and head. Did you read that article on BN from Isio on why should I get married? Ehen, shee you saw those properties she listed? Can you see yourself with this man doing all that? Does he even see himself doing that with you? Or are you a child breeder, a right of passage or tool to please his father. Check am well o! What is your vision for your life? You have to know yaself shebi na wetin Shakespeare talk. Does your future plans merge with his assuming you have sat down to ask him all these questions? My dear when you have collected all this info, then use your tongue to count your teeth. Then finally take the results of your investigation to papa God and pray a dangerous prayer that always works. Father if this man is not for me, remove him from my life. Then watch what happens next. Then come


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And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 

Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.

Uyi & Tiwa

Question of The Day.

TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.