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Full Disclosure In Relationships & Before Marriage. To Tell Or Not ToTell?






Sometime last year I did a post on full disclosure and it's surprising to me to see how much some of my views have changed in less than a year. The topic was raised during a pre-wedding lunch we had for our friend at Ocean Basket a week before her wedding. There we were, five of us, instead of enjoying our variety of seafood (in retrospect) it seems we were trying to teach our friend to be a bad wife. All innocently though, I mean, we were speaking from the viewpoints of single women that we were/are. 

However I still maintain some things I said; I am not in support of full disclosure. Some things should be on a need-to-know basis. I don't see why it's important for you to know how many men I slept with in the past, I don't want to know how many women you've slept with either. Also as I said to my friends on that day (repeating advice my friend's mum and aunties gave us); even when the love is still shakking you, don't carelessly open your mouth and tell a man everything about you because one day he will use the things you said against you. Truth is, even though this was told to me by older women who had all been married for at least ten years, it has happened to me in the past so I'm speaking from experience, I've learnt my lesson. 

However my friend, the bride-to-be said she believes in complete and total disclosure. She said she told and tells hubby-to-be everything because that's the right thing to do, and also because she expects the same from him. She said a husband should know everything, from the most minor details to the most scandalous ones. 


I beg to differ. Yet, in truth I believe in disclosure. There are things that your partner and potential spouse MUST know, especially before you both get married. (Most importantly;Health/medical history. Also whether or not you're both having sex before the wedding there are things you just must talk about, especially if you've been sexually active in the past eg challenges (genital mutilation, erectile dysfunction, previous STIs etc), preferences, fetishes etc. So medical history and sex, among several others.).  Basically, those facts/details about you that can affect the both of you as a single unit. 

Another  issue that was raised that day was telling your fiancé about abortion(s) you've had in previous relationships.  (Ladies, WOULD YOU OR WOULD YOU NOT?)
Thelma said NO, but Sandra, a medical doctor said, speaking as a doctor, it is advisable to do so. She said several couples had come to the hospital when they could not conceive and after a number of tests and it's discovered that the problem is as a result of abortion(s) the wife has had, it's usually very awkward and potentially damaging to the couple's marriage if the husband never knew about it beforehand. 

Now that brings me to the reason behind this post. Last night on Aunt Landa's show, a distraught caller called in and said that his wife hasn't been able to get pregnant, and after a series of tests it was discovered that she had had a number of abortions in the past. The man was furious. He felt cheated and deceived. He felt she should have told him, he insisted that knowing about the abortions would not have changed his decision to marry her as he really loved her, but he just felt she should have told him. 

Another thing I want to talk about is lies people tell their partners before they get married. 
The couple above for instance; not only was the wife a serial 'abortionee', she also said she was a graduate of Accountancy or something when in truth she never even finished secondary school. She also lied about being a good Christian (they met in church) when in reality she was very far from being a Christian, she was actually very loose, very carefree and wayward.

     But really how many women come clean with their husbands about everything before they get married? So many men think they're the second men to sleep with their wives when in fact they're probably the 15th or 30th. Some men think their wives possess professional/educational qualifications which they don't; it's not like they'll ask to see her résumés or certificates before the wedding. Some men don't even know that their wives are much richer than they are (eg the woman whose husband is unaware that she's his landlord). Some men don't know the real ages of their wives; last year one of my former school mates found out that his wife is three years older than him, and not two years younger than he is, as she had claimed before they got married. 
     Ladies, I understand the need for some 'nip-tuck' of the truth, but I'm curious; how much of the truth are you willing to tweak or bend to get and keep the ring?
Would you tell your man about abortion(s) you had the past, in past relationships (if you've had any) ?
And men, how would you feel if your woman told you that she's aborted some pregnancies in the past? Would this affect the long term plans you had/have for the both of you?

Let's talk. 



Ps; men are the biggest offenders when it comes to withholding and twisting facts before marriage, but I focused on the ladies as most of the men here choose to be silent and would rather mail me their opinions on a post than leave them in the comment section. *bbm dunno smiley*. Men it would be nice to hear from you too!

Comments

  1. I would say its a really tough one, there are people u meet and u become scared the truth will scare them away and truthfully it does, am speaking from personal experience, i ve met a really awesome guy and d moment i told him i was divorced with a child, everything changed, he didnt even bother with getting to know me better, so i lost him, then my friend advised me, she said babe abeg stop telling anyone u like about this ur failed marriage, afterall thr was no legally binding marriage and no divorce was needed, allow d man to fall in love first, then u can tell him u were getting married and it didnt work out. Oh well, i think that is working better *shines teeth*

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    Replies
    1. Don't you think he will resent you for waiting till he falls in love before you told him? I'm just asking ni.

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  2. Well in most cases, I come all out with the truth. Really when you Tell the truth, you Don't have to Remember anything that was said. Some of us are not good liars.
    I wouldn't sugar coat stories because I want to keep a man, if he eventually finds out what hapens? Mistrust and doubt sets in.....
    Again, if I had any D&C in my past relationship I would Spill it out if I am asked ooooh, for record purpose if I am not asked, sealed lips. But come to think of It ,the man asking me, wetin him wan use am do? Do they tell us how many women they made go through the process likewise?
    I would urge women to spill all out about themselves and be free i.e if you want to hear it all from him. It is only fair that he who must come to equity should come with both hands clean.

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    1. I agree with you on this one

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  3. There re certain tins i cant tell my future hubby... like dey say... some things re better left unsaid.... for those dat deem it fit to tlk abt their past.. wish u all d best... ms tee

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    Replies
    1. Unto, ''somethings are better left unsaid'' That was the exact saying I quoted to an ex while pointing out something he said concerning some other persons' matter he sighed and repeated the saying and he kept quiet. That was very early in our relationship. FF to four months after, a certain ''Mrs his name'', called me to tell me he was still married that their divorce process wasn't over yet that I should leave her hubby, blablabla. The silly thing came back to quote me to have said, ''somethings are better left unsaid'' and that was why he didn't tell me, plus he thought that it will be easier to tell me after the process. Whereas, I don over spill my own beans.

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  4. Well guess things have really changed in the dating scene. A night before I wedded, I sat my husband down and told him everything.... When I mean everything, I mean the exact no of men I slept with prior, it was probably easy because they were very few, the hardest part was telling him about the abortions. He was shocked I could tell but it is what it is.
    He really appreciated the fact that I was very honest, after I downloaded I asked him if he was ready to proceed with the wedding and the rest is history.......

    Now knowing what I know now, would I have told him the truth if I slept with 5 or maybe 30guys? I doubt that very much for sure the true figures will never had been disclosed.

    Same with the abortions if they were like 4,6,20 abortions hell no !!!!! There would have been no way I would've disclosed the true numbers.



    But then again I know a man who got married to a runs girl, as in lets just call her a prostitute, she never hid what and who she was, and the guy loved and married her that way, today they have a daughter.

    I always maintain that the truth is very freeing, just don't go yapping away to every man about the details. Wisdom is also needed to know at what point you shld divulge sensitive information.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You said "with what you know now", you didn't tell us what you know... And why did you wait till the night before the wedding? If I were a lady, once the man proposes I'll tell him to wait first, then I'll download everything. Then ask him if he still wants to marry me

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    2. I never got a proposal,we just knew it was time to marry because I had to travel out and so the wedding was rushed, it was planned in less than two months.Downloading the ish was never pre-planned, I just felt the need to bare my mind him to him, at first he asked if I planned the confession for the d-day b4 the wedding because of the fear of what might come up? In which I responded in the negative, truth is i knew it wasn't going to change a thing.

      Knowing what I know now, means that I now understand that not all guys are like my boo, a lot of men these days are just wicked, most of them will never forgive even though they are guilty of the same ish... and they just seem to get worse with each passing generation.

      How about we ask how many men have paid for an abortion? I once attended a church program for intending couples.When it was announced that men who had paid for an abortion should come out for prayers/deliverance, in a congregation of about 300 couples, only a handful of man remained seated.
      Now, how about that?

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  5. Like you said, things that could affect us as a couple, yes those ones I may tell him about. But the ones he doesn't need to know, especially those ones that may change the way he looks at me, no oooo those ones I will take to the grave. one day the love will die down and thats when he will bring the things to my past to judge me.

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  6. Thelma how are men the biggest offenders? Please explain yourself. Women generally are better at hiding things and keeping secrets.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I tink we jst forget oursefs wen it comes to this husband matter. This husband u talking is humanoh, he can tell u, "oh I undastand, and all is forgiven". Wat of wen de love dies, we all no the love dies eventually in marriages. Wat happens den? We also forget dat the world is not as forgiven to women as compared men... All in all, ladies, pls be silent if it's not somtin dats affects him directly or u too as couple... I strongly advice U take it to the grave... Abeg oh, we don't want to hear stories that touch the heart...
    Ozavize

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  8. gbam .gbammer .gbamest@ozavise

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  9. I don't believe in full disclosure jare. Somethings are met to be kept to oneself.
    Thelma I just did something to you or rather I want you to do something.. Hehehh don't worry gonna send you a mail on that hun and I hope you accept it ooo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You want to match make her abi?

      Delete
  10. I had a child in my teens some 10yrs ago. I told my husband the first day we met. We are expecting now and the first day we went to see the doc he asked if it is the first baby we are having, it was my husband that replied and told him it is our second baby. It felt good knowing I didn't hide it from him. I had an abortion for him and a miscarriage, he answered those questions too himself.
    There are some things that your spouse should know knowing it might be revealed later. But some are not really important like the exact number of men one slept with. I don't know why the guy wants to know... to determine how wayward you are?

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  11. I am not in support of total disclosure because one might end up shooting herself on her foot or her words would come back to bite her.
    I am in support of giving full disclosure on medical condition, educational background, age, religion and if one has a child.
    Please total disclosure should EXCLUDE your family members stories o!

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  12. Dear Ifunanya, I agree with you. I'm divorced too and I don't disclose till you fall in love cos it pushes men away. But recently I fell in love with a man and even before i said Jack, he knew about my past marriage but guess what, he said it doesn't change anything about how he feels about me. I've been in cloud 9 and hope to share the good news with Blog visitors soon. But like T said, things like health issues and co should be disclosed, but personal stuff for me i will never talk about it. Morning all.-Z

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    Replies
    1. I wish you all the best

      Delete
  13. I'm in support of total disclosure because the truth always comes out eventually. I think for most people it is not the fact that you did something bad in the past that hurts them, it is the fact that you chose to hide it from them and lie to them that hurts the most. I think it is wise to know the kind of guy you are divulging this information to, as HSF said don't go spilling your secrets to every guy you date. I believe a man who wants to marry you should accept you flaws and all and if he can't do that then maybe you should think twice about settling down with such a man.

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  14. Unless the issue you are fully disclosing is life-threatening or related to health and fertility, i see no reason for bringing it up. The truth is that it's in your past and it wont do anyone any good to know the number of previous sexual encounters. EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED TO SOME SECRETS!!
    For me, abortions, heath issues, previous STD infections can be brought up and it stops at that. Wetin man no know no go kill am!

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  15. T, I totally disagree, men are not worse offenders when it comes to secrets and lies before marriage and the reason is because society forgives the man more or even expects promiscuity from men. For instance if a man tells you that helped to be a bad guy but changed when he met you, you would hold it against him the way he would if you told him that you used to be a bad girl and had numerous sexual partners. So women think they have more reason to lie and they do. My comment on the post last year spoke about a girl who told me how lose she was in school and I told her that I wish she hadn't cos I really didn't need to know, all I need to know is if she has changed for good.
    I don't think all should be revealed but if there are secrets you think are better heard from your mouth than someone else because the only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead.
    Then again before you go revealing consider the kind of person he is, personally I'll never use ur trust to hurt you but some guys do that, they make you regret opening up to them. It's hard to know if you're with that kind of guy but be careful because when the love starts fading people change drastically.
    Most importantly, don't forget that the truth shall set you free. It's better to tell the truth than to lie and live with the fear of getting caught in that lie, instead don't say anything at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it all bores down to the kinda man he is, it will be awesome to gauge his personality and know the kind of things he can take and does he cannot.
      In spit of that because women are always the ones who suffer most in times like this, we need to be super careful how we live their lives, theres nothing as freeing as being an open book, if you have little or very few secrets there won't be any need to hide anything from your man.Granted mistakes are made ever so often but it shouldn't be repetitive.
      I am still #teamfulldisclosure# basically because I believe that whatever will be will be,if he's yours he's yours and if he truly deeply loves you, the past shouldn't be the yardstick for measuring your future.

      Delete
  16. Your spouse or spouse to be should be someone with whom you can be vulnerable with, naked with and feel comfortable... He or she should be able to say: " I SEE ALL OF YOU AND I LOVE".

    If you can't be naked with ur spouse, then problems are bound to rear their heads, only a matter of time.

    Ps: PS: some peeps don't send, so if he or she doesn't send, tor,ba komai. U have a clean heart and a good foundation to build and grow. It is ultimately subjective and contextual... the Truth shall set us free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi love, I think the post refers to disclosure before the marriage.ideally you arent supposed to have gotten naked before the marriage.

      Delete
    2. I don't think he meant naked as in birthday suit. I read it more to mean a figurative kind..

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    3. Lol, nice one. Now another issue has come up, if you're going to bare all, should it be before or after the wedding?

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    4. Lol, nice one. Matters arising, if you're going to bare all, should you do so before or after the wedding?

      Delete
    5. I don't think he meant naked as in birthday suit. I read it more to mean a figurative kind..

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    6. If you are ever going to spill, it's only fair that it is before.

      Delete
  17. On issues such as whether 1 has had an abortion before I believe it is necessary to disclose such fact as it directly affects you both as a couple and even when you are pregnant again in your marriage/partnership, each pregnancy has its particulars and it would b beneficial, health-wise, for your doctor to b aware of the existence of such facts. On disclosing particulars such as how many partners 1 has had in the past, i believe that is highly unnecessary and i won't tell you such and don't expect to know your number either. As long as we are both devoid of any baggage from past dalliances i see no reason why we should drag up the past and put a number to it; after all we are both not virgins and are both adults so what are we both trying to prove. U've been sexually active, I've been sexually active, it was in the past, we are together now, that's all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true @ Ziggyluscious. I believe in full disclosure but see no need for revealing the number of previous relationships and sex partners. There's really no need for that info.
      KOH.

      Delete
  18. When couples first get married, learning how to be in the marriage Healthy Lifestyle can be a little bit tricky. Some couples have lived together before, so the transition might be a little bit smoother.

    ReplyDelete
  19. thank you for the information, interesting post. I hope this content can be benefits for anyone. cara mengobati penyakit tipes

    ReplyDelete

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