Sometime last year I did a post on full disclosure and it's surprising to me to see how much some of my views have changed in less than a year. The topic was raised during a pre-wedding lunch we had for our friend at Ocean Basket a week before her wedding. There we were, five of us, instead of enjoying our variety of seafood (in retrospect) it seems we were trying to teach our friend to be a bad wife. All innocently though, I mean, we were speaking from the viewpoints of single women that we were/are.
However I still maintain some things I said; I am not in support of full disclosure. Some things should be on a need-to-know basis. I don't see why it's important for you to know how many men I slept with in the past, I don't want to know how many women you've slept with either. Also as I said to my friends on that day (repeating advice my friend's mum and aunties gave us); even when the love is still shakking you, don't carelessly open your mouth and tell a man everything about you because one day he will use the things you said against you. Truth is, even though this was told to me by older women who had all been married for at least ten years, it has happened to me in the past so I'm speaking from experience, I've learnt my lesson.
However my friend, the bride-to-be said she believes in complete and total disclosure. She said she told and tells hubby-to-be everything because that's the right thing to do, and also because she expects the same from him. She said a husband should know everything, from the most minor details to the most scandalous ones.
I beg to differ. Yet, in truth I believe in disclosure. There are things that your partner and potential spouse MUST know, especially before you both get married. (Most importantly;Health/medical history. Also whether or not you're both having sex before the wedding there are things you just must talk about, especially if you've been sexually active in the past eg challenges (genital mutilation, erectile dysfunction, previous STIs etc), preferences, fetishes etc. So medical history and sex, among several others.). Basically, those facts/details about you that can affect the both of you as a single unit.
Another issue that was raised that day was telling your fiancé about abortion(s) you've had in previous relationships. (Ladies, WOULD YOU OR WOULD YOU NOT?)Thelma said NO, but Sandra, a medical doctor said, speaking as a doctor, it is advisable to do so. She said several couples had come to the hospital when they could not conceive and after a number of tests and it's discovered that the problem is as a result of abortion(s) the wife has had, it's usually very awkward and potentially damaging to the couple's marriage if the husband never knew about it beforehand.
Now that brings me to the reason behind this post. Last night on Aunt Landa's show, a distraught caller called in and said that his wife hasn't been able to get pregnant, and after a series of tests it was discovered that she had had a number of abortions in the past. The man was furious. He felt cheated and deceived. He felt she should have told him, he insisted that knowing about the abortions would not have changed his decision to marry her as he really loved her, but he just felt she should have told him.
Another thing I want to talk about is lies people tell their partners before they get married.
The couple above for instance; not only was the wife a serial 'abortionee', she also said she was a graduate of Accountancy or something when in truth she never even finished secondary school. She also lied about being a good Christian (they met in church) when in reality she was very far from being a Christian, she was actually very loose, very carefree and wayward.
But really how many women come clean with their husbands about everything before they get married? So many men think they're the second men to sleep with their wives when in fact they're probably the 15th or 30th. Some men think their wives possess professional/educational qualifications which they don't; it's not like they'll ask to see her résumés or certificates before the wedding. Some men don't even know that their wives are much richer than they are (eg the woman whose husband is unaware that she's his landlord). Some men don't know the real ages of their wives; last year one of my former school mates found out that his wife is three years older than him, and not two years younger than he is, as she had claimed before they got married.
Ladies, I understand the need for some 'nip-tuck' of the truth, but I'm curious; how much of the truth are you willing to tweak or bend to get and keep the ring?
Would you tell your man about abortion(s) you had the past, in past relationships (if you've had any) ?
And men, how would you feel if your woman told you that she's aborted some pregnancies in the past? Would this affect the long term plans you had/have for the both of you?
Ps; men are the biggest offenders when it comes to withholding and twisting facts before marriage, but I focused on the ladies as most of the men here choose to be silent and would rather mail me their opinions on a post than leave them in the comment section. *bbm dunno smiley*. Men it would be nice to hear from you too!