All through this abstinence journey I've not had much to worry about. My friends have marveled at it, a few have asked how I do it, if they don't know me better they'd think I'm either frigid or asexual, but they do know me better and they know I'm not (thankfully!). When they go on and on giving me kudos I always shrug them off, I sort of feel like someone who's being congratulated for a test they're yet to take. I hadn't taken the test just yet.
I knew the day would come. Yet, I felt I was safe seeing as most guys are not willing to date without sex and I'm not willing to bend either. So I thought for now at least, I'm safe. But I imagined he'll come sooner or later; that one I'll fall madly in love with who's got red hot blood coursing through his veins, yet says to me "Nwando I can wait till you're ready, because that's how much I love you, and also because I think you're worth it".
He will be willing to wait but the thing is this; I do love to spend quality time and for me quality time often runs into sleep-overs. So I imagined being in bed with my heartbeat, we kiss and cuddle but keep it all PG 13. I imagine us spooning, I imagine feeling his strong heartbeats on my back and it beats just in sync with mine. Lower down I feel something stiff nudging me. I imagine him trying hard to rein in his desire while I simultaneously try to fight mine. I tell myself sex is a beautiful thing. Sex bonds two people in love in the most possibly perfect of ways. Why are you denying yourself of something so beautiful and immensely pleasurable, something that's there for the taking? I ask myself.
I feel myself trying hard to decide. I feel him; the stiffer he gets, the weaker my resolve. What to do, what to do, what to do? I wonder as I try to still my quivering legs. Are you going to sink or swim Nwando?
And that's how I imagined my test. Not this way. Not like this.
This 'Only Girl In The World' situation has got me more bothered in ways I never imagined. Everywhere I look I see men, men and more men. And no, missy not just any men; manly men! What other kind could handle these kinds of heavy machinery? They're all I see. I wake up to them, I spend my whole day around them, they're the last thing I see at night. It's testosterone fiesta! I see them, young, rugged, full of brawn, sweaty, their muscular arms bulging, theirs eyes trained in concentration as they drill, drill and drill even deeper. With each sweat drop, each movement, each grunt; I groan.
It wasn't meant to be but they've awakened something buried inside of me, something I had lead myself to believe was well and truly asleep, sedated even.
There's not one of them that's particularly got me feeling this way; all hot and bothered. But collectively they remind me that I'm a woman. And it seems for the first time I'm seeing men, I'm reminded of what they're capable of, what untold pleasures they sometimes bring.
It's weird that in all my years of sexual activity I've never been more aware of the act as I have been these few days. I find myself constantly consciously having to purge my mind of 'such' immoral, impure and base thoughts. When I'm spoken to, I find myself constantly reminding me that their faces are up there and not down below. I find myself constantly thinking, visualizing, imagining.
This isn't the kind of test I'd envisaged. I'd imagined battling desires caused by one special male and not the whole male specie in its entirety! How's a wee girl to win this battle? What formulae do I use to scale through in this test?
But what was it I said once? The Reason. Through all the kamasutra thoughts and the blue haze I see it looming there right before me. It's not in anyway obscured as one would imagine. It isn't. It's right there. "What you do' and 'why you do what you do' are two different things. Why you do what you do is more important than what you do. What I'm doing; The reason; is right here before me and it's greater than any primal need or desire I might feel. I'm reminded although I never forgot; that the road may be rough but the destination is worth it.
photo source: mingle city.com