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The Nightmare of a Wife, Mother and Breadwinner.



Hi Thelma, hope you are enjoying ur writing spree? We miss u small sha! I'm an ardent follower of ur blog but I dnt comment often.... As I'm a lazy writer!Lol! Twill be nice if u could do a post on coping wen ur spouse is unemployed! This might be a touchy subject but most pple have gone& are either going 2ru dis! Someone dat got married last year just opened up dat her hubby lost his job a few months into their marriage. I was so surprised&she has kept it to herself for dis long? I pray&expect a miracle 4 dem soonest! But how do u cope when a woman who is supposed to be the helper becomes d breadwinner & still has to do all d house chores,take care of the kids then service oga? Its not easy mehn!

............

Some weeks back, while sitting in the living-room at the Ikoyi home of a very irritable, bedraggled and stressed out family friend with a husband and three kids all in good schools, she blurted out "he doesn't do anything. He doesn't even know how much the kids' school fees is. There's nothing in this house that he bought. Not even a spoon!".
I looked around me, the duplex is lavish, the rent in Ikoyi is ridiculous, the kids are in quite expensive schools, the cars are expensive. I looked at the lady, no wonder she is always so tired, cranky and stressed, I thought to myself. Not only is she the breadwinner and is responsible for everything in the home, she also clothes hubby (she mentioned buying everything, from his underwear to his entire wardrobe and accessories) and is the one who bought his car and pays for his fuel on a daily basis. She's getting to the point where she feels like she might snap at any moment. 
      Admittedly she's at a station in life where she isn't doing too badly in her finances but regardless of how bouyant a woman is, she still wants a husband who, if at least is not the breadwinner would bring something to the table. No wife and mother revels in being the sole provider. 

Some women are less fortunate than my family friend. Their jobs or businesses don't pay so well, they can barely afford to pay the children's school fees so paying a help might be something of an impossibility. Such women struggle to juggle being breadwinner, mother, caregiver, cook, maid and WIFE. How does one cope under these circumstances? 

What I really want to know is how does one continue to love a husband who cannot provide for his family? How does she play all these roles, bear that heavy burden and still find a place in her heart to love? How does she do it without hating him? (It's easy to resent, disrespect and hate such a man. Most women leave. Some however stay and 'manage'. Yet a few continue to love him while bearing the entire burden of the family. How do they do it? I remember the blog reader who mailed and said she was beginning to resent and disrespect her fiancé, albeit involuntarily, because business had gone bad and he could no longer provide for her. I understood just how she felt and that's why I would like to know how wives who have found themselves in this (much worse) situation continue to love...)

Are you or someone you know currently experiencing this? 

Comments

  1. As long as the man doesn't become abusive and obnoxious and helps around with some chores,wifey wld cope...trust me. Ain't nothing wrong being a househusband.
    In another news,Who really is the breadwinner in a gay relationship?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. House gini? MBA raised to power 26 biko. No man should sit around at home milking his wife in all departments, breadwinner or not. He can gain ideas from friends and the media and put to good use. A husband who doesn't make any effort AT ALL to get back on his feet will lose more than his wife's respect. Kids and kinsmen will gladly give him several seats if ever he decides to show himself.

      Delete
    2. Memphis if the husband doesn't make any effort then of course his wife will complain, but there are men who try and bring something home everyday, they get creative and try to earn some money. I think such men deserve to be respected and appreciated

      Delete
    3. Dear Sharon, if the men in the above posts brings ordinary pure water home I don't think we'll have this post. Memphis is correct much!

      These house husbands are infidels & cruel ni....
      Borrow money from madam & get a god damn business running. Instead of enjoying everything u have no input in.
      And No, after a while, the woman loses respect for u. A while being A YEAR!
      There's just so much work out there, hustling men cant be jobless!
      I know a lot of such men! Rubbish.

      Delete
  2. Sorry to say but there's everything wrong with being a house husband. I can never respect a house husband that is comfortable with being a house husband. In my eyes that makes him less than a man. I understand that sometimes things may not go so well but I must see that he is making effort to get back on his feet and start being the man of the house again.
    In other news why is this blog very quiet these days. Where is everybody?hian

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Bible itself says that a man that cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel. It is very difficult to continue to respect a husband that does not contribute anything to the home, it's take a lot of love, love, love and more love to continue to love him. It's not easy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thelma is your family friend paying her husband for marry her? I don't understand.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am of the opinion that there's so much pressure on the man gender that we forget they are human as well. Yes,it wld be good for him to be the ultimate breadwinner but reality is this:not all men might be. When the chips get down in a marriage,the couple shld review situations and adapt accordingly.
    So ladies,if ur man can cater for u as a housewife and still respect u,I think we shld be able to do the same when the table turns...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. in this case, the man should make effort to get back on his feet and not be comfortable with the status quo

      Delete
    2. So ladies,if ur man can cater for u as a housewife and still respect u,I think we shld be able to do the same when the table turns...
      The question is will you be able to respect him back? I'm not saying men cannot make less money or have problems in business but he must try to get back on his feet. Anything less than that makes him less of a man in my sight.

      Delete
    3. Do u really think men respect housewives? Most don't

      Delete
    4. I don't think most men lack respect for housewives. It depends on the man and the sort of upbringing n personality he has. And i know for a fact that there is nothing wrong with the man being the central stay-at-home figure in a marriage as long as they both have clear communication between them and work as a team. My neighbour have had a rotational stay-at-home policy for over 10yrs; he's currently a stay-at-home dad while she works, and this was actually what saved their alomst crumbling marriage jst b4 they adopted this

      Delete
  6. There's is nothing wrong if a woman becomes the breadwinner for a while in a case where the husband lost his job and is indeed making efforts to get another. The problem is when he is not making any effort and relinquishes his duties as a husband to the wife whole heartedly. Then nsogbu adigo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes I am of the strong opinion that we (ladies) are the reason why we don't get a particular job or get passed on a promotion and it's given to the men. Most companies might purposely give the man just to save his respect in his marriage. Even if he gets back to his feet and isn't earning much and the bulk is still on u,wld u still respect him?

      Delete
  7. I agree with Sasha. I think the pressure on the male gender to be a "MAN", is frustrating. Some men are built to be providers and possessors and leaders etc. Some aren't. Some just want to make a little money, love their wives, play with their kids, and watch African magic (which is what housewives do).
    We should accept people the way they are. It's called partnership for a reason. Husband and wife should complement each other. I would hate it if the man doesn't help with the kids and around the house. I would hate it even more if he isn't trying to relieve her off the stress by working with her and planning something that would benefit the both of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Sometimes we women contradict what we want. There's a difference between being totally lazy and being a househusband. If we want gender equality and respect then we shld accept the fact that the status quo wld/cld change. If u can earn a bit or be a housewife and he handles majority of the bills,its possible that the roles cld switch and she's the one doing it provided that he's not completely lazy round the house. If ur getting married just prepare ur mind for anything cos nothing is cast in stone expect mutual love and respect.
      I ask again: in a gay marriage,who is the breadwinner? If gay couples have an understanding irrespective of gender,I don't see why heterosexual couples can't learn from them...

      Delete
    2. Sasha im most gay relationships i know they are usually joint contributors. Except for maybe two cases where one is wayy richer than the other (my friend C's relationship started with him being his partner's kept man. Now they are married tho n he is definitely a househusband of the 'real house...' variety.

      Delete
  8. Are we now going to make reference with an absurd way of life as gay relationships? So sick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heterosexuals exist,homosexuals exist,transsexuals exist...DEAL WITH IT!!!

      Delete
  9. Well I think i'll have a problem respecting a man who does not make efforts to provide. When everyone is shouting off their head telling women to be submissive, the Bible spelt out the role of the man,to provide. Losing jobs and businesses happen,that is life but a man must make effort to provide. Maybe not everything but there must be certian things in the house you must provide....changing bulbs, buying detergent small small thns. Make a good business plan and start small ,the wife will be happy to give you that small capital if she sees you are trying your best to provide. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok cool,start small is fair but who pays the rent and co while waiting for the small business to start paying off? If his small business never goes beyond small? What happens during waiting/trying periods? Being a housewife is as challenging as being a househusband. If he respects ur decision to take care of the home front,then pro-gender equality women shld do same.
      Lemme ask,shld money or its lack affect how u treat/respect someone esp if the someone is ur husband/wife?

      Delete
    2. And,speaking of the bible,Proverbs 31vs 11 gives light to my point of view...
      In marriage,everyone shld harness their strength and be there for each other in their weakness...

      Delete
  10. I'm not yet married but I think one should not resent or disrespect her husband simply because he lost his job or his business isn't doing well, remember when you said your vows it was for better for worse.
    My mother told of this time when my dad lost his job we were still very young, and she had to be the breadwinner most of her "friends" advised her to find a wealthier man but she stuck by my dad's side and she didn't bail, well eventually my dad got a job and he could support his family again. I would advise the women in such situations to adopt a positive attitude, let them know that things will get better. Communication is important too talk to your spouse let me know how you really feel about the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am of the opinion that in marriage, that is, between a husband and wife, there shouldn't be such thing as gender equality. A husband should provide for the home and the wife support and submit to her husband. (Provision here doesn't just mean finances, remember). That's the way it's originally made to be.
    She steps outta her home, then lets talk equal rights, privileges and such.
    Any well meaning husband would always strive to provide for his home. If things go well, he does. If it doesn't, then at least he tries. And about men who have no intention of working, then it should be made known to his partner before marriage, and if she accepts, fine.(She might even be a lady who's all career/business oriented,but has worries about how to pursue that yet care for her home.) He would provide for his family in other ways than financially.
    The challenge here is not marrying a good and responsible person. We all should know those two adjectives require more than just superficial attributes. That's the major challenge- who you're married to.
    The vows say "in good and in bad times... honour and cherish ". I think that pretty much says what every spouse should do at every time.

    ReplyDelete

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