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When Will It Be My Turn? (Thelma Asks both the Single & Married)




You know that feeling you get when you look around and it seems EVERYONE is getting married. Everyone, besides you. 


It's well, a certain kind of feeling. 

I'm asking this question and I'm hoping I will get honest answers and honest reactions from you ladies. 

What's your first reaction when you hear someone (you know) just got engaged?

Married ladies, (honestly now) do you sometimes feel sorry for your single friends?


Let me go first. I'll try to be as honest as possible. 
When I first hear someone (a friend) is getting married, my first reaction is to smile and go "awww. Oh. So nice. Awww, Eeya. I'm so happy for her". And usually I'm genuinely happy. Sometimes however I find that I had to struggle a little to smile. I find that when I've succeeded at that the smile, it is sometimes wobbly. I find that sometimes I smile but it doesn't get to my eyes. But generally I'm usually happy because ....why shouldn't I be?

I saw a comment on Linda Ikeji's blog about four years ago. The post was wishing a newly wed couple a happy married life. Everyone congratulated them and gushed over the beautiful bride and the lavish wedding but amidst the ooooohs and aaaaahs someone said "whatever jare. To hell with them. I don't care. I'm tired of congratulating other people and wishing other people happy married life everytime. When will it be my own turn? When will other people wish me HML?" I paraphrase but this is actually the way I remember the comment. 
       Of course practically everybody attacked her. People said all sorts of mean things and told her that the reason nothing good had happened for her is because she cannot be happy for other people. I shared a similar sentiment. I was like gosh this person must be so bitter. Nawa o! God forbid!
       But that was 25year old me. I did not understand. Now at 29 I understand better and I know where that lady was coming from. I'm not saying I agree with the 'to hell with them' attitude but I can relate with the 'when will it be my own turn?' frame of mind. 
       Sometimes you go on Facebook and everyone you know is getting married or just got engaged. Everyone including your juniors from secondary school and sets below you in the university. You know sh*t has gotten real when as a single person you're no longer the norm but now the exception. 


Anyways... so I asked a few single ladies all 28 or older what I asked you and here are some answers I got to the question; how do you feel/what's your first reaction when you hear that someone you know just got engaged?
*Bimbo; most times I'm indifferent. Marriage is not everything. 
*Chika; omo, sometimes I get angry I won't lie. Why is everything going well for others, when will my own come? 
*Tayo; the one I cannot stand is when people tell you be patient be patient. Everytime 'be patient'. How long will somebody be patient? I'm running out of patience. 
*Geli; I'm happy for them o! Do I have a choice?


       I also asked a few of my married friends if they sometimes feel sorry for their single friends. I've heard a few single women say that when they congratulate their married counterparts on their recent nuptials or at the sighting of a new baby bump the married lady goes into the 'be patient' 'your time will come' mode, thinking that the congratulations is veiled envy or covetousness. Personally speaking, most of my closest friends are married and very few times I've perceived what felt somewhat like pity from a very few of them. In fact there's one who I always hear her thoughts say 'Eeya, it must suck to be you. Almost 30, no boyfriend, fiancé or husband. I thank God I'm not you'. In truth I don't mind it, she's not a bad person at all and I know how deeply she desired to be married. So for her she cannot understand, believe or accept that a woman of my age is fine with being single. 

When I asked if they do pity single friends most of the married ladies said they feel sorry for the ones they know have been praying/hoping to get married since their early-mid 20s but are still single in their late 20s and early 30s. The others were vague. 


....
photo credit; livedrjays.com

Comments

  1. Yh,sometimes it hurts not out of jealousy but a personal wonder to when it would be urs. But we do know the real truth is in the quality of the Guy. Is he TDH? Loaded? Romantic? Betta spender? Where he works? Etc...that's where the real jealousy lies (I believe)

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  2. To me getting married is not a measure of success. I know VERY unhappy married fellows, I know some happy ones. But from what I have seen the unhappy are much more than the happy. I think when I say: When will it be my turn, is when I see two partners whether married or not who are so happy and in love. That's success for me; being in love. The marriage thing is just overrated from where I stand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My sentiments exactly! Have seen too many crappy marriages to be dazzled by the flash and dash. A couple truly in love on the other hand would turn me sm shades of green...with envy and craving the same.

      Delete
    2. W.O.R.D. It's the fullness of the relationship that counts not titles or appellations.
      K.O.H.

      Delete
  3. I only feel sorry for the ones I know are actively praying for it. Not sorry per say but just keep hoping for them. But God knows when I was single I never felt bad at alllllll when I hear any of my friends were getting married, and I didn't get married till the end of my 26th year lol. I was always at the fore front of planing hen night. But I do understand how a person can feel that way especially when u want something so bad and it seems God has forgotten you. But I know my God is always on time.

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  4. I'm co-commenting with Ifesinachi....
    Although am still at that initial age where it's fairly young to feel desperate or anxious, I still don't care about someone getting married because the number of broken/unhappy families around me is frightening...
    But when I see a genuinely happy married couple, I go "Awwwww, I want that"

    But i'll take the backseat for now.... #FilesNails

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  5. I have this friend, even bfor I got married whenever we see or chat she's always going on about how dis our friend from high school is married with 3kids or this other person is getting married next month, fran when will it be my turn na I'm tired I don't even have a bf I'm 31 etc etc it was a pathetic sight. When I was getting married I didn't know how to tell her but I did and I knew she wasn't happy, now anytime I see a mutual friend getting married I can't help but think of her and how she'll feel about it so yh I do think of my single friends especially that particular one cos of the way she's going about this marriage thing

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  6. My dear T. I feel sorry 4 the ones who have bin hoping and praying and 4 the ones whose mums r on their case I feel sorry 4 the more. I never felt bad wen my friends were getting married wen I was single maybe it's cos of the pple I have around me and circumstances. My immediate elder sis is single n acts like a kid she even tells pple I'm older than she is and enjoys dating younger guys who she knows the relationship will go no whr. But now I'm married I sometimes envy my single friends, and to crown it up I'm even preggers I just feel like my life is over. Abeg don't mind my rant o. Mrs M

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  7. Truth is m always happy when i hear any of my friends r getting married n attend if i'm invited... me i no too send bt now m beginning to send cos pple arnd me.. family, married friends think dat m nt yet married cos am so sendless, i dnt see it as a big deal. So yeah ds days wen a friend tells me they r getting married, m very happy for them n during my prayer time i just remind God dat m now ready for my Mr. Right n children...

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  8. I would be honest as always;

    When I heard a friend of mine got married, I was sincerely happy for her but there was no nostalgia on my part, not until my elder brother was naming his first child and a guest then asked me when they were coming to do my own? That was when it dawned on me that my biological clock was ticking away. And how old was I then? You might ask. 25 year old o! Yep! My bros got married early. It became bad when a male cousin wrote to me after my 26th birthday that what was I still waiting for? I eventually got married at age 27. In fact, I just celebrated my 13 year wedding anniversary in my blog on July 27-28th.

    The next question, do I feel sorry for my single friends? Nope! I never did! Why? Because I had only 2 friends and they got married much later. I am an introvert, this much I have said in my blog, so I don't keep friends. My cousin who lived with my parents who was complaining about no suitors in her 30's, I felt pity for, and told her to be patient. And be prayerful, that her time would come. She eventually got married at 34 and have 2 kids now.

    The world is dynamic and not stationary, so values and decisions changes. In my time, 30 was considered too old for marriage. In fact, a neighbor had a quarrel with my mother's neice who was staying with her, this 17 year old neighbor cussed her by saying: if you like be sitting down at home until you grow old like your aunty(me) before you marry. This neighbor got married at 18 and have 4 kids now, while my mother's niece got married at 22 and have 2 kids now. But now, females are getting married at 30 and no biggie about it. I just wonder how it would be in future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please pardon all my 'nows' jeez! I tire for.myself o jare! I didn't proof read.

      Delete
  9. Maybe cos of my experience, am usually worried when i hear people are getting married, i just become so afraid, hope d guy wont turn to a monster after the marriage, hope she ll be happy in this marriage, if she isnt sure let her stay single oo, i guess the scar from my Divorce is wat brings those tots, am 29 now and am getting married again soon but am so scared, i keep asking d guy everyday, r u sure we should do this?, infact d guy don taya for me sef. I ve learnt that love and happiness is d ultimate gift and not marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ifunanya we have been waiting for you to share your story, why don't you just mail Thelma anonymously?

      Delete
    2. Some haven't gotten proposed to at all yet uve gotten 2guys to do it...any secrets?

      Delete
    3. Haha sasha I like u....sit at the feet of the master

      Delete
    4. Ifunanya, if you feel afraid and scared for any reason, you probably need to work things out before taking this big step. The scare is actually a warning sign that things are not alright yet, moving on without dealing with it can make things worse. You don't want that gorilla popping up every now and then in your affairs.

      Delete
    5. Anon the story is long, i hope i find d time to write it, Wale d truth is he is not so comfortable with my past which is expected but has accepted it n me too, am just scared he myt start having regrets after d marriage, am also worried abt his age, he is 29 like me, but i told him everything to make sure thr are no secrets from d beginning, i ve decided to stay positive n be happy, if he develops Frozen feet before the wedding n chickens out, i ll know it wasnt meant to be.

      Delete
    6. i think uncle wale is right..have you spoken to him about your fears ? or if you can, a counselor ?

      Delete
  10. I totally go with ifesinachi on this. Am indifferent about having friends get married while am still single. Doesn't mean am not happy for them though. Am just not personally ready to take that huge step now. So much to do yet!
    What makes me jealous really, is mushy gushy love. The rare kind some people share be they married or single. Though honestly, I have a phobia for "till death do us path". So maybe that's d ish.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Whenever I hear wedding bells from anyone....friends or family, my first reaction is always happiness............like "wow, congrats on the good news, guys"! On a second thought I begin to hope they are making the right choices, like, hope this is the one made for you, hope you won't get tired after one year, hope everything works out well.......i just begin to hope all the right things are in place. I have seen too many broken marriages, beginning from my mother, and it scares me honestly. But then again, I have seen some marriages that I awww about and pray to have. In the end, I think people should just generally wish their friends all the best as they embark on the journey.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm on my popcorn and reading through on this one with a smile........

    ReplyDelete
  13. The truth is sometimes it's the other way round. The married envying the single. I must confess that sometimes I'm guilty of this. There is this freedom, no accountability, no responsibility..... Let me break it down, I love my family very much but there are times you want to have a me time and it's not possible. I go for vigils and can't come back home to have a good rest. My prayer life isn't same. The children have to be taken care of. Hubby too. Weekend brouhaha. Cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. It's different when you're single. That's why couples take out time for vacation for just themselves. Its the only escape route. Lol. Remember the post where most married people said sometimes they prefer being at work than home during the weekend?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Less accountability, less responsibilities.

      Delete
    2. It's true. Sometimes I miss my single days. Freedom, less accountability, less responsibilities. I could afford to be selfish and do what I wanted whenever I wanted.

      Delete
  14. I feel sorry only for the ones I feel they should have been married cos they are way better in all aspect than the ones that are married and happy,but, I concluded that of cos,men love bitches to good women

    ReplyDelete
  15. *men prefer bitches to good women I mean*

    ReplyDelete
  16. i do kinda feel sorry for a few i know are good girls and deserve to be happily married and i put them in prayers..

    ReplyDelete
  17. We must always remember in marriage that a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

    ReplyDelete

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