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Will You Knowingly Be Second Best? (Blog Reader Asks)

I've been dating my boyfriend for some almost a year and things have been going well. I'm 28, he is 34, and we have a good relationship. He has met my family and I've met his family too. Recently he said he wants to marry me but we've not started making plans yet. I'm AA and he is AS. Everything is fine but for one problem. There is someone else in his life, she's not even his ex because they never broke up but decided to marry other people because they're AS and she lost a sister to sickle cell so both of them decided not to get married, but it's like they're still dating. Although she's not in the country they talk on the phone or chat everyday as if they're still dating. She knows about me and she knows he wants to marry me but she doesn't care. In the past when a lady calls him and I get upset he always begs but when it comes to her he does not apologize. One day I saw a chat on his phone from her (he goes through my phone too) and she was saying she misses him and she was just imagining how cute their babies would have been, he replied her that he thinks about it everyday too. When I confronted him he didn't apologize and does not deny that they are still in love. To him he is just being honest with me but I don't know if I can continue to take it or if I can marry him knowing that he always wanted to marry someone else and that he is even still in love with her. He has cut off contacts with all the other girls from his past except this one. He said that at least it's me he's going to marry and that both of them are over but that they will always be friends. He's a good guy and he treats me and my family well but this issue is the problem I have. I have told him I'm not comfortable with their friendship but he expects me to deal with it, after all it's me he is marrying and it's not like they're still having sex. That is another problem, because both of them are still in love what stops them from having sex when they see? I also know he loves her more than he loves me, he dsnt even try to pretend. What will you advice me to do?


  1. Fuck him! What kind of pathetic story is this? No words.

  2. Turn the table. Ask him if he'll tolerate you having intimate conversations with someone else from your past and expect that he deals with it. If he cares, tell him he has to stop what he's into or you walk. If he doesn't care, please take a walk.

    1. Oh, Memphis he has proven to her he doesn't care on many occasions! Read her unwritten words even...

      This dude does NOT pretend nor apologize. She can DO nothing but take that walk U mentioned.

      The guy loves his supposed Ex cos to them, they are soul mates if not for the genetic prank.
      Meaning they could both be everything they ever wanted, that's too much to give up hon.

      Dear poster, WALK!!! Or Pretend to be # 1...

    2. Memphis thanks for hitting the nail on the head.

  3. LOL. I feel U Ifesinachi....
    Dear Poster, I don't want to sound harsh but If U Marry him in this state, U Will ALWAYS be his mistress in his heart & eyes!!!
    And Yes, this type of insecurity can be depressing cos once they meet or see, even after your wedding, He's so gonna be with her over U & ur kids...
    Am Sorry dear, but for your Sanity, find Ur OWN in every sense of the word...
    Just Imagine a man whose existence circles around U...

  4. Nne I'm tempted to tell you to take a walk but really how many people marry those they truly love? I cannot count how many times I've seen in comments sections of different blogs how they didn't marry who they wanted and things still turn out fine. Personally I think you should pick your battles wisely, at least he is honest enough about it.

    1. Thank you for this comment.

  5. From all you said babes. it shows, seems, looks (make una borrow me words) that he doesn't care if you take a walk or stay. And when you guys eventually get married, and you still complain, he will remind you that you knew about it and still chose to stay, so deal with it. Swthart, if you knw you can endure it even after marriage while praying and hoping he changes, then go ahead, but if not, nne talk to your legs biko. Obviously, u rank 4 or 5 among his most prized possessions after his family.

  6. Him saying he's not having sex with her does not change the fact that he doesn't love nor respect you. He doesn't apologise? Oh wow he must think he's doing u a huge favour by marrying you, abeg do your self the biggest favour nd borrow urself some brain by walking no running sorry flying out of that disfunctional relationship. You haven't married yet and he's like this, I shudder to think what he may do when y'al walk down d aisle.Him saying he's not having sex with her does not change the fact that he doesn't love nor respect you. He doesn't apologise? Oh wow he must think he's doing u a huge favour by marrying you, abeg do your self the biggest favour nd borrow urself some brain by walking no running sorry flying out of that disfunctional relationship. You haven't married yet and he's like this, I shudder to think what he may do when y'al walk down d aisle.Him saying he's not having sex with her does not change the fact that he doesn't love nor respect you. He doesn't apologise? Oh wow he must think he's doing u a huge favour by marrying you, abeg do your self the biggest favour nd borrow urself some brain by walking no running sorry flying out of that disfunctional relationship. You haven't married yet and he's like this, I shudder to think what he may do when y'al walk down d aisle.

    1. Look @ what network made me do mtcheeeeeeeeew

  7. I seconded ur opinion anon 3 hard as it seems,I think you should take it easy on him,make him see reasons why you aint comfortable,sooner or later,is EX will find someone too,it takes love and prayers to fight this battle and win..
    This is just my opinion,if you think he won't change,then take a walk...
    All the best

  8. abeg o, i thought i saw a complete the story post on this blog moments ago. Or i was probably day dreaming?

  9. I am going to give you an objective unbiased opinion. you need to think deep and ask yourself the following questions1. Do I sincerely think he will change one day? 2. Can I live with this all through my marriage? 3. Does his good parts (his role in your life and family etc) overshadow this flaw?

    Now if you ARE SURE THAT YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH THAT give him the option. ME OR HER ie IF YOU ARE SURE YOU WILL TAKE A WALK IF HE DOES NOT CHANGE. Sometimes guys act up because they feel the lady will always be there and most times we are always there and make excuses for them, but if you show them otherwise they will sit up. Make sure you leave if he does not change because after giving him that ultimatum and you still stay there you are finished.

    Second option if you can endure, resort to prayers. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. How he responds to that option will determine if he even loves you at all o.

    Please note that it is easier to cope with a guy that cheats by having sex with other ladies ( no emotions attached) , than the emotional cheating. The fact the guy “tells you the truth” to some extent shows that he really does not care that much about you. Seriously who wants to hurt a loved one on purpose? That is what he is doing. God punish him for throwing that “you are the one i’m marrying” statement at you , as if he is handing you a trophy.

  10. Pretty disrepectful, nobody should be put through that kind of stress. I will say take a walk because the guy is unlikely to stop.

    On another note, I need a vacation people and have no clue where to go and what to do. Please help with ideas.

    1. If u dont have visa restrictions I say muscat oman, pattaya thailand, puerto rico, grenada. Zanzibar. Possibilities are endless. Even Cambodia is an option. It down to how much money u also want to spend.

    2. I'm with pYnk, zanzibar or seychelles

    3. Thanks for the ideas, no visa restrictions except for Tanzania. Strange enough, I never thought of Zanzibar and Seychelles. I am opening the vault on this vacation, been long I took care of myself.

  11. yes!!! It is easy to endure when your man is sleeping with another woman than when he is in love with another woman. Trust me, the later is unbearable. When the woman is happy, your husband is happy, when the woman is moody, your husband is moody. When she feels she is not getting your husband's attention anymore, then her mood becomes a whirlwind. In all you will be almost non existent. Hope he does not compare both of you o. As per or not apologising or at least pretend he understands how you feel, sorry he is an ass hole. Things women tolerate, have you always known this? this is like a guy coming out to tell you he cheats(that is cheating o if you don't know) and it is ok cos he told you

  12. DIARY OF DIDO. I do miss reading your blog, Hope you are ok. Love

    1. To the Topic, If the girl decides to come strong you are going to loose your place. You need to ask him TO CHOOSE OR LOOSE YOU. else you are going to keep fighting for recognition. Draw the line on this matter before marriage else you will be miserable. You will be a figurine on his centre table and he will share all his emotional needs with her. 28 is not old o. God forbid they decide to come back together and adopt children you will be back to square one.

    2. 28 is young. I am 32, just did my registry on my birthday. Planning the actual wedding. My husband is 10x the men my exes were. For me the risk of happiness and respect from a man outweighed my need to settle for rubbish.

    3. Congrats PYNK, being your age mate who has been married for eternity I love your stance. I dare to say that for the most part sex and marriage are so over-rated, I wonder the rush/craze.

  13. I feel bad for you jare. If it were me (and I say so most sincerely) i'll give him a taste of his medicine and see how he likes it. He is a selfish person who wants to eat his cake and have it. He has to make a choice pls, you don't need dat kind of emotional trauma.

  14. Annon 8:32pm I agree on that..Marriage is really overated..God help us

  15. Babe, please flee, they are still imagining how beautiful their kids will be, they might decide to damn the consequence and do something silly, and the fact is they never really broke up as you said. Flee for your happiness and future. The only reason this guy is getting married to you is for formality sake

  16. Take a walk babes ....

  17. Take the next available flight dear poster. He obviously sees marrying you as a favor to you. How dare him not apologize! There are several other AAs' out there, he should go look for another who doesn't mind settling for him despite his unapologetic emotional attachment to another woman.


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