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Dear Thelma... (Should I Change For Him?)

I happen to love travelling, meeting people,making new friends, setting standards and all.
I also happen to have annoying mood swings where I shut people out and stay on my own...this is something most people don't understand about me.
My boyfriend of some months doesn't like the fact that I'm all this. He has this idea in his head about what his ideal girl should be and I'm not conforming....I'm refusing to conform,unconsciously.
I believe that if someone loves you, they'll love your flaws as well. My boyfriend doesn't. He is always trying to put me down and make me feel small...feel less than he is. He has flaws and I'm trying to live with them but he isn't doing the same to me.
I really care about him but he ended his relationship with me. Majorly because I went to Abuja (for a convention of pharmacy students) against his will. He says I'm stubborn and remorseless...yes I am and I've accepted my flaws and I'm working on my strengths but he is always trying to focus on my weak points.
I decided to ask a few friends and they were being vague.
What do you think-should I change myself for him (and for the future) or should I let him go?

N.B:you can make this a blog I can know what others have to say.

I forgot to add that I'm the very outgoing type and he totally hates it...and I want someone I can go out/"flex" with and dream with and plan a future with.


  1. @ the end of d day, seems like u've broken up with ur boify and u need a new man in ur life. Where R the eligible bachelors in d house--Momoh Adeola, Memphis, Steele and co, over 2 u guys.

    But that's on a lighter note tho

    1. Huh??!!! U forgot to put down ur signature dude! Oya seal those lips my friend b4 I catch U.

    2. Hahaha @ anon 7:48, U R cray cray walai. I think I know u
      Here goes..

      *lips sealed and watching*

  2. LOL. Eesah & U are a what? Ineligible bachelor?

    Dear Poster, the truth is this, we find it easy saying & demanding the practicality of this statement when we are the ones at the receiving end "If they love U, they should love your flaws"
    Take a moment & think about what ur boyfriend is complaining about, will changing these "flaws" positively make u a better person? Or he's just being flimsy? Do U have a future with this guy? Are these "flaws" things u can really change?
    U have ur answer right there Hon. All the best...

  3. The problem that people have is expecting someone to love their flaws because they love them. Nobody has to love your flaws, nobody owes you that. He can accept your flaws if he wants, and if he doesn't then he can choose to leave you just as he has already done. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on fixing your personality to accommodate others.
    But I think you're better off without him, any man that tries to make you feel less than him is insecure and will never let you grow for the fear that you will become much better than him and you will realize it.

    1. "Nobody has to love your flaws, nobody owes you that..."

  4. Poster don't change for anyone, but improve on your character. Nobody is perfect but we can all strive to be better. My 2 cents.

  5. You shouldn't have to change for anybody, if they don't accept you for who you are, find someone who will. Joanna

  6. Please don't. If you do, you won't be you. Just be you and the right one that will suit you will come along in good time.

  7. Why would u want to change ur self for a man, change fir urself if u need to change. That guy does not love u and it will only get extremely worse if u marry him. Save your self! When u find the right man for u, he will think u r the best thing in the world. Abeg free him

  8. Please do you......

  9. No-one else can do you like you.....

  10. Everyone here has stated the same thing. Do not change for anybody. As long as it's nothing major.. He's not the one for you.. Move on, you will be fine. :)

  11. Stubborn and remorseless! You have a dangerous combination there and should seek to change for your future's sake.
    I don't care about your boyfriend (then or now) but please seek help since you admit having those two attributes

  12. If your been"stubborn and remorseless" applies to your trip to Abj then I support you. The guy is insecure so good riddance. Secondly, why do you want to be with someone that does not have things in common with are an outgoing, fun loving kind of person and you want to change to a house rat. Let him go jare. J

  13. Honestly, it seems you and your boyfriend are not quite compatible. You both appear to have certain requirements in a partner that the other person is not able to meet. See, what pinches you during dating will be like a punch after marriage oo! What was his issue with you going for the conference? Does he not trust you to go out of town without him? Are you being realistic about your ability to be the kind of wife he wants? Is he going to want you to quit your job after you're married? Look well oo!
    Sometimes Naija women are encouraged to "cool down" and "act like mumu" to please a man until he marries us. However, that leads to serious personality clashes down the road when true colors are shown.
    I'm also alarmed by his habit of putting you down, that's a danger sign in my opinion.
    Perhaps you should consider finding someone more suitable.

  14. I would say that you should strive to reach a balance,I have the same issues been married for 11 plus years now and my husband and I still argue about my not conforming to his "specifications".In as much as I would never conform to what his ideals are because he didn't marry a "stepford wife" I have the sense to know when to work on me because I am so not perfect.If he's so demanding now, trust me it won't get better if you marry him. Irrespective of all I have said, you do need to work on your stubbornness and moodiness while staying true to who you are(outgoing etc), that is who you are and you shouldn't change or trade your strengths for no one at the expense of your happiness at the end of the day we are all designed differently and uniquely made, this world will be oh so boring if we were all alike.Your SO should realize he's to perfect either and will definitely hate it if you kept hammering on his weaknesses and not allowing him to breathe.

  15. Seriously, I lost it when I read this because I just knew a friend wrote it. Before commenting, I confronted her & she admitted to proof reading it but it happens to be another's story.

    S, I'll give you the same response I gave Dee. In fact, I'll assume she's the one I'm talking to because you guys are in almost the same shoes. You can't really blame your boyfriend for not approving of your going for the Pans stuff then cos of the security situation. Its even cute that he was worried about that. However, he should have understood that it was something you were willing to risk, having looked forward to it for as long as a year and when you decided, he should have supported you. You are after all, an adult and fully capable of making choices; right or wrong.

    You said something about conformation & ideal standards. If anybody does not accept you as you are, take a walk. I always think that personality changes in relationships should come not because he asks for them or guilts you into it, but because YOU want to be a better person for him. That's key. Anybody that makes you feel bad about yourself not only isn't worth it, but is also showing initial signs of obsessive, domineering behavior. If not tempered now, we might be hearing stories of abuse in future. Abeg, carry your load comot now.

    Finally, you need to work on the mood swings. It's never healthy for a relationship. However, I sense it's ignored in the rship with your ex. He just chalks it up to you being unreasonable or "stubborn". Heck, he may not even realize you have them or how serious they are. Honey, you should be with someone who can hold your hand when you just get tired of it all and recognize when you need to pull yourself together alone. He obviously, is not for you and if he's who I think, he wouldn't be anytime soon. Don't waste your time and emotions. I know you're hurting but acknowledge the fact that you deserve better and move on. Work on the aspects of yourself you aren't satisfied with and enjoy being single; you're young hon, there's no hurry. Trust me, you and your next boyfriend will be thankful for it.

    Thelma, I love your blog. Have never commented before but I lurk quite regularly. Keep it up. Oma.


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