Skip to main content

How To Waste Your Life- By Charla

How to waste your life
Step 1;
Be born a girl in Nigeria in the 1980's
have a strict disciplinarian father
have a very enterprising but somewhat selfish mother
be loud, bold, confident and carefree
have some of the carefree and confidence beaten out of you by your father
Also be berated by him so as to take some more away
make sure to include your mother
who will use her scathing words to destroy your confidence in your abilities and in appearance
Do not forget to remind her to call you 'useless' every chance she gets

Try to cure your loudness because you're a girl
Girls grow up to become women who should be seen and not heard
Your mother is loud and 'troublesome', so your father says.
You don't want to be troublesome, so you have to try to be the exact opposite of your mother.
You want men to like you but only when the 'time is right'
Right now, you are still young and your mother will call you a whore if you even smile at a boy.
So when Jerry-the boy whose mother has a kiosk out of their garage-touches you under the blanket during one night at church
you feel sick, dirty, upset, angry and ashamed.
But most of all you feel stupid for letting him touch you and so you tell no one
You will have to deal with it by making a detour to Mama Sam's anytime your mother sends you to Jerry's mother's kiosk

Step 2
When it is time to go to secondary school
let your parents choose for you
the school they will choose is not so bad,
You will start to have fun and be confident again
but once the holidays are upon you, ensure your mother punctures that air of confidence like a balloon
Be so afraid of your father that you hide under the dining table every morning
Note that this will get you no sympathy, but a look of utter disgust.

When you reach SS1, let your father choose whether you go to Arts or Science class.
It doesn't matter where your talents lie or what you are good at
Your feelings and dreams are irrelevant in the face of your father's decisions
Finish secondary school with good grades
Although you don’t know it yet
This may turn out to be the easiest time of your life

Step 3
 Move overseas because you want to escape the prison that is your parents’ house
However you are not totally free, you still need their money.
This new environment is fascinating
there are boys everywhere and no mother to call you a whore
so ensure that you go to town with the men folk
Be attracted to the real jerks/bad boys
ones who will beat you black and blue
ones who will break your phones, plates, cups, TVs, laptops and your heart
Fail your final exams because you get beaten so much one night that you have a blinding headache for days and a swollen black eye for weeks
This is how you will get that mark under your eye

Step 4
Leave school and get a job
spend your hard earned money on your boyfriend
When you don't feel like spending
He will give you a 'little' encouragement.
when you eventually realise you're living with a monster
try to leave but get arrested by the police for fraud
the 'monster' is a fraudster and used your details in his dealings
You're arrested just as your visa is expiring
And so you will have to be detained

You are released but your life will be in limbo
Seeing how frustrated you are,
your friend Ekene will advise you to marry for 'papers'
you will beg to get the money to pay the Britico husband
you will partake in the most depraved acts-some you never know exist until you engage in them- to get that money
There will be feelings of shame and disgust but worry not
It will be only for a fleeting moment
After all you do, you will barely come up with enough to pay your Britico ‘husband’ Martins (introduced to you by a friend of a friend of a friend of Ekene's)
You pay him and naively believe that money will be enough.

Step 5
Martins will ask you to sleep with him; you do so because although it was supposed to be just a business arrangement, you are desperately desperate.
He also already has your money in his possession, you have no choice.
At 4.30 am on the Monday you are to meet Martins to finalize plans, the UKBA will barge into Ekene's flat to arrest you
This time around, you find yourself on Lagos high street before you're fully awake.
Your father is ashamed, he doesn't say this(he got tired of saying it so much over the years) but you can see it in his eyes
Your mother calls you a whore
now she is justified
You will have nothing but a

Stony heart,

Weary soul,

Battered body,

And unfulfilled dreams

Congratulations, you have now succeeded in wasting your life


Written by blog reader Charla; this is a poem addressing emotional abuse of children and how this can have lasting effects on the individuals well into adulthood.


  1. But this is the normal upbringing for every Nigerian child minus being called a whore. Does this mean we were all emotionally abused?

    1. No it is not normal. I was not raised like this.

    2. HUH???????????????/how is this NORMAL for EVERY Nigerian child? my goodness did u read past step 3 at all? WOW

  2. yeah i tink we tnk God times hav changed. Onyi

  3. well mine was kinda like this minus being called a whore but that didn't necessarily mean my life was useless...I actually got my bsc n msc all before clocking 25 n I didn't even school in naija my dear I'm sorry but I think it balls down to the individual...u let yourself go...I decided to prove to my family that I actually know what I'm doing because i was strongwilled n today they respect me....I'm sorry for your disappointment tho...

    1. Thank you, we could either become victims or victors.Some of my siblings are so successful it is unbelievable while the other divide you just shake your head and wonder if it wasn't the same upbringing we all had.It bores down to you as a survivor and picking and dusting yourself up.Awesome poem regardless, it should be titled "How not to be a parent-Parenting 101"

  4. will comment under anon, ah dis is normal nau! My mum called me a harlot just because she saw me greeting our neigbours son. And wen one stupid boy sent a little boy to call me and he ran into my mum..... Poor innocent me. I grew up not being close to my mum. Even wen I had I ssues wiv my mestural cycle. ( I bled for 3 months) nonstop some times it would dissapear for months I couldn't tel my mum for fear of her calling me names. Even though I was still a virgin Smh. My mum wasn't a bad woman buh I guess she was raised that way too. But I will not raise my daughter that way so help me God!

    1. You should have called her harlot's mother and watch her stop the name calling!

  5. I wanted to stay quiet too. Some mothers are just evil. I think this is what happens when society makes you believe that every woman must want to be a mother.

  6. Well I don't know if my dad was raised in the bush but he was so difficult. Always damn too angry.he wasn't like that when we were kids but with time he just became bitter. That made me always scared.. The insults, unnecessary beatings. Boarding school was an escape for me and I feared being on holiday. I was so happy when my mum and siblings were leaving the country after high school. I could finally breathe. I don't have a fantastic relationship with my dad.. He's trying to know me now.. Maybe because he's all alone and getting older idk.. But I let him in once in a while... My prayer is to avoid men with his temperament and marry one.

  7. Wow!Thank God I grew up in a sane family.comments I read on blogs about mothers scare me. How can someone's mum call her own daughter a harlot? J

    1. Lol. Mine called me witch,devil incarnate,beast of no nation,demon spirit,medusa,amosu,bastard,etc
      My childhood was traumatic. Makes me wonder if I wld be a good wife and mother.

    2. Sweetheart, you're none of those things you were called and your bad experience would make u cautious of being a good Mum. Don't just spoil them kids o. God bless u

  8. I really loved this writeup cos i could relate with 80% of ur upbringing. Oh, My Dad did things to me all in the name of discipline, things I still think about & shed a lil tear. But i've grown above it all.
    I became independent at 15, handled 90% of my financial welfare by myself. Now the tables have turned, he adores me 3much!

    If it ain't fiction, Thank God for ur life Dear poster & bounce back!!!

  9. Emotional abuse in children is very real. My mum hated me when I was younger. She found fault in everything I did. I remember the day my brothers stole my sisters money. She beat me senseless, searched my bags, tore my clothes, slapped me over and over again on my face that I should bring out the money even though I was begging her that I don't steal. When they eventually found the money in my brothers bag she didn't even touch them. I don't understand cos am the last child sef. Then the name calling no be here; wicked girl, useless, hopeless, fool etc. it's not so bad anymore but before i used to wonder if she's really my mother.

    1. Sometimes d issues/situations a woman goes tru when pregnant &nursing a child affects d way they treat that child. Its so wrong. Ehug darl

  10. Our parents brought us up that way bcos it was the only way they knew. Now we can call it abuse but, believe me, if my father didnt do some of the 'wickedest, vilest' things to me in the name of discipline, I wont be here today. Despite all that, if he knew of the kind of things I did, he'd probably have died earlier than he did.
    There have been instances when I want to do something and i'll still here that deep voice telling me, "remember whose son you are" or "remember the home you come from". Things have changed and i'll be smoking some damn cheap shit for me to bring up my own children in that atmosphere of constant fear and trepidation.
    Growing into adulthood, I was a very bitter and insecure person but one day was all it took and I spoke to myself that i could do better. And i did! Which is why it pisses me off when people use the excuse of having been abused as a child to commit heinous crimes ( my upgringing should have turned me into a heartless serial killer going by american standards.)

    1. I guess there shld be no need for thepary and counselling then since every adult who was abused as a child shld flick whatever switch in the head and act right?

    2. Not at all, darling! My point is that we shouldnt use it as an excuse to be horrible people or for our failures.

  11. who Naija upbringing. as an 80's kid i feel you.
    this may sound crazy but do you realise that 80's kids had fathers/mothers that were kids/young adults during the biafran civil war? any link with the way most of them were?


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…


Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...


He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
See how you are serious dey read this story....!


A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…


I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Closed Chapter...

Hello everyone, yesterday a friend said to me, Thelma I love your blog, I've told so many people about your blog, I think you're a very good writer but I feel there's something you're not doing right"

This friend was the first person who won our beauty of the day contest back then in 2014. Then we had met just once through a mutual friend. I mentioned the blog to her and she became an instant reader. I wouldn't have exactly called her a friend then but yesterday as we sat down waiting for our Uber to come get us from Wal-Mart, she's definitely my friend and I knew she was coming from a good place when she said she had much higher expectations of my blog.

Me too.

But you see, in the last year or so, maybe even longer than that, I haven't felt much joy in blogging. It began to feel more and more of a laborious chore, one which I hardly reaped any fruits from.

I really love writing, I love sharing my life and my experiences with others and I've enjoy…

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 

Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.

Uyi & Tiwa