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Mad at 'Him'.





Last night I was so mad. I've not been this mad in a while. The kind of being so enraged that you grab at your sheets and your fingers claw into them till they nearly break, then you know that your cries might wake people up so you grab your pillow and scream into it to muffle the noise. That kind of mad. 


Have you ever gotten to a point where you feel so hopeless about everything, and angry with everyone, most especially God. (Yes we're often not allowed to say we're angry with God but we've been at points in our lives where we're just so mad Him that we almost don't care anymore). 

In the Delay is not Denial post someone commented questioning if God is really good, if delay really isn't denial? The comments that followed tried to reassure her and I'm hoping she read them and a bit of hope or/and faith was restored. Truth is, I read that comment and laughed. I proceeded to reply her and it was the longest epistle ever, the most personal thing I've written in a while; too personal, too honest. I immediately cancelled. Some people stay in the wings just to watch you crack and crumble, and I'm giving nobody that pleasure so I didn't publish the comment. But I know for certain how it feels to just not believe anymore. 

I cannot count the number of mails I receive from readers in dark places, I cannot count the number of times blog readers have admitted to me that they're "mad at 'Him' ". Some weeks ago I spoke with a blog reader and after trying to explain to me in the best way one can to someone they've never met before, she finally exclaimed "I just need to catch a break. I just need one thing to go right, just one thing Thelma". Sometimes these people just need someone to hear them out which I'm always willing to do, other times however they want answers, which I often don't have. Hell! I sometimes have those same questions too. 

At times it seems nothing at all is going right. Everything in your life seems to be going the exact opposite direction from the way you want it to be, you've hoped and waited but things just go from bad to worse. You hear He is "good" and you've believed for so long still you're yet to see a manifestation of this "goodness", so far delay has continued to be denial and now your back is against the wall.... 

How does one cope when He is silent? 
Have you ever experienced pain so real that you were mad at Him? How did you move past that point?


PS; last night's pain wasn't exactly personal. Thankfully I've been doing really good of late (you guys know when I'm in a zone. *smile*). I'd never imagined I would react that way to the news of the death of someone I never met, but reading about the death of Dr Adadevoh really broke my heart. I was so mad at Him; how can you look on while we are ravaged this way? I kept asking into my pillow. I was at this for hours but no answer came. Nothing makes any sense. 

Comments

  1. HE isn't new to the anger of HIS creatures toward HIM. Most Psalmists were angry, Job was angry, the prophets Habakkuk and Jonah...all angry at HIM. The best way to understand HIM while we're angry is to read HIS replies to some of these men and try as much as possible to be comforted by them, as they eventually were.

    For instance Habakkuk asks: "How long will I cry for help why you pay no attention to me? Why do you not save me from oppression? Are you pleased to look on tyranny?" To which GOD comforts him and promises speedy vengeance.

    Another thing is our way of life; it obviously draws us away from HIM and embraces more the dark one. In this dark state the power of delusion overwhelms us and all we feel is abandonment, especially when we stretch forth our helpless arms towards HIM from the pit we're stuck in. In such a state we should not relent, damn the consequences the world offers at the time, and we'll pull out of the darkside, slowly but surely. May GOD bless us and save us all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Yes! Yes! Preach brother. Funny how you mentioned that God is not fazed by our anger towards him. I remember one time, actually recently going as far as cursing my day of birth and the circumstances surrounding my being, cursing the kind of family I was born into, cursing my purpose, only for me to hear one still small voice say "Na today? Your brother Job did the same thing. You will be alright just like he was...lol. God has a sense of humor I tell ya. I laughed so hard, I snapped out of my madness. My people just encourage yourself the same way David, Habakkuk, and Job encouraged themselves. Our trials are truly temporary but they will end. The breakthrough will come when we least expect it. Even when you give up, God doesn't give up. His word will surely come to pass and he will cause time and circumstance to come together to bring it to past. Dry your tears and keep the faith. He knows, he hears us and he is with us

      Delete
  2. GOD hears the whispers of our heart more than the sound of our voices, so HE knows all our ache without telling HIM, and the scripture makes me understand that HE searches the motive behind every word and action.

    HE said; Before we speak, HE already knows what we want to say, and while we are yet speaking, HE has answered us....BUT....remember the prince of Persia in the air that waylaid the angel that was bringing the answered prayer to Daniel? That GOD had to send archangel Micheal, the leader of the angelic army to assist the angel, and they fought for 21 days! Daniel, never gave up, throughout those days.

    Jacob held onto an angel and said, he would not let him go until he blesses him. Jacob was so strong in strength that the angel had to touch his thigh to weaken his grip on him.

    HIS ways and thoughts are not same as ours, remember, a thousand years to us, is like a day to HIM.

    I am saying all these to encourage ourselves, to keep the flame of faith and hope burning.

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  3. Hi Thelma. In response to this post, I think if God gave us absolutely all we wanted we wouldnt serve him with fervor the way we do as Nigerians. You find that a lot of us use the physical things we have or dont have as a yardstick to challenge his presence and working in our lives. I dare say this, I challenge the posters who are complaining about what God hasnt done for them to start doing for others. In the presence of all this, the only request to ask of God is to give them inner peace.
    I ask folks to challenge themselves, I came up with my own 100 days of random acts of kindness. There is the 100 day happiness challenge which encourages folks to document in pictures their happiness. I encourage folks to document their 100 days of random acts of kindness preferably to a total stranger. No one says it has to be money, but giving generally makes us feel better about ourselves. It can be something as simple as helping your elderly neighbor sweep the house or running an errand.
    I did a post when I started my challenge and I am 5 days in. http://pynk360.com/2014/08/17/100-days-of-randomness/
    www.pynk360.com

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  4. Though the vision tarries wait for it!

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  5. We all have our stories of disappointments and hurt, I know how many times God has come through for my family and I. Thelma, God still answers prayers, not at our own time, but at his own time. It's not easy to wait and it's okay to feel angry but never let this anger throw you too far from him. His Grace is more than sufficient and HE will do what HE says he will do.

    Sometimes when you here very powerful testimonies you will be amazed at the mightiness of God. Maybe we can all share the greatness of God through our testimonies to bring hope and succor to those who thirst for his miracles and power.

    I was equally hurt by the death of Dr. Adadevoh. I choose to see it that she has completed the task God set for her. It's sooo painful, so unfair but we have no power to understand the ways of God.

    Love you so much Thelma and may God's Peace reign supreme in our lives in Jesus Name.

    Amen. Clare

    ReplyDelete
  6. We all have our stories of disappointments and hurt, I know how many times God has come through for my family and I. Thelma, God still answers prayers, not at our own time, but at his own time. It's not easy to wait and it's okay to feel angry but never let this anger throw you too far from him. His Grace is more than sufficient and HE will do what HE says he will do.

    Sometimes when you here very powerful testimonies you will be amazed at the mightiness of God. Maybe we can all share the greatness of God through our testimonies to bring hope and succor to those who thirst for his miracles and power.

    I was equally hurt by the death of Dr. Adadevoh. I choose to see it that she has completed the task God set for her. It's sooo painful, so unfair but we have no power to understand the ways of God.

    Love you so much Thelma and may God's Peace reign supreme in our lives in Jesus Name.

    Amen. Clare

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for this Clare. I really appreciate it. I'm waiting patiently for my testimony, it's not like it's been all bad, I do have a lot to be thankful for, so much. So for now, I guess I'll just try to wait patiently for God's time, and just like you've said, not let my anger throw me off too far.
      God bless you!

      Delete
  7. I think it is okay to be *angry* at God at times. But more importantly, if we know or have the assurance that God loves us, nothing in this world or nothing of our unfulfilled needs should take us away from Him. I once read a story about three women who needed God's intervention in their lives and God was rapid with one, took a little longer with the second and even much longer with the third. The story concludes with the point that the first has little faith in God, and the third has so much faith in God that He knows she'd stick to Him no matter what befalls her.
    Truth be told, there's no way we are gonna develop patience if we don't have our sometimes pressing need unfulfilled and God desires that we grow in all areas including possessing a good deal of the fruit of the spirit. No matter what trials we face, God is always there and knows you, your abilities, your breaking point, your level of trust/faith well. 1 Cor. 10:13. The question is 'Would you rather die to self than live for God?' Its a question you don't need to answer but one answered to what we give our thoughts to (either faith in God or disbelief in His sovereignty), our actions and the daily conduct of ourr lives. One thing I know there is nothing whether good health, professional or academic success, recognition and awards, wealth, power, good career etc that is worth trading for our relationship with God.
    On the death of the Doctor, I have come to realize that bad things sometimes happen to good people and also the contrary which has the undertone that we don't know the totality of things even our own lives. 1 Cor. 13:13. I have seen God work in marvellous ways at some occasions and take the 'back seat' at some others. I still have nagging questions about some past events but I'm gonna stand with and for Him till the end cause He has the best interest for you and me and he loves us all.

    P.S.
    I just got hitched on your blog last week and it's been a breath of refreshment to my daily life. First time commenting, had to break my oath of silence someday, why not it be now. Thumbs up Harriet Walters, nice content, excellent write up and one thing that marvels me, one thing you don't have control over - the quality of the discussion from your followers. I guess good will always attract good.

    ReplyDelete
  8. U all have said it ALL...

    But here's my own Truth, I question God most times, so much that he should be worried when I don't. LOL. In those minutes or hours of my wailing & questioning though, I build my Hope, Faith & Trust some more!
    Then I receive my miracle, look up to the heavens & high five my God *priceless*
    Yes, I question HIM a lot & Yes, i've been where I feel anything & everything is going wrong, but it's according to my standard NOT God's.... Hence, I Hope some more!

    ReplyDelete
  9. It is difficult.......to never question God or to never feel like God let you down and didn't have your back. We have all been at those times in our lives and we all keep being at those times. Just this morning, I experienced some bouts of sadness when I thought about some material things I have need of, but cannot at the moment afford to buy myself, I thought about the test I wrote for one of the large oil n gas coys over 1mth ago, which I have gotten no reply to as per performance (meanwhile every other person I know has), I tot about how positive I was (and still am, by His grace) about getting the job, I remembered the one request my family has been trusting God for, for over 10years, I tot about my dreams and the things I wanted (and still want) to be, that I have been trusting God to make a way for. I hurt for a while as I thought about these things, it was almost going to start my day off wrongly, but then I found the strength to think of His faithfulness, I remembered how He provides for my family and has never allowed us to beg, I remembered how I or any member of my family has never slept in a hospital because He's kept us all in good health, I remembered how he saw me through school and let me grad without having any issues whatsoever (unlike so many of my friends), I remembered how he provided me with neighbors who drop me off at work every morning and so I don't have to jump buses, and how he always provides colleagues or friends who drop me off at home as well, How he provided accommodation for me and so I never have to go through the traffic hassles most lagosians face. I remembered these and so many other things and then I finally remembered His word, that will never fail or return to Him void, that will always accomplish the purpose for which it was sent, How they that put their trust in Him shall NEVER be put to shame. I found the strength to talk to Him and I told Him how I felt and more importantly, that I will never let go of His word or Him, because if I do, where will I run to?
    When we feel burdened and abandoned, it's OK for us to cry and vent, but we must always find the strength to go back to Him and remind Him of His word/promises to us. Regardless of what we go through or what we feel, Our God is a faithful one and He never fails, we may not fully understand His ways, because He didn't design us to, BUT, we must trust His ways.

    I sent you an email Thelma. Seen?- Miss N

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said! I can relate to this.

      Delete
    2. Well said! I can relate to this.

      Delete
  10. HE is and will always be a good GOD!! NO matter what we go through in this life HE loves us still even when we dont feel or know it. in all things the BIBLE says we should give HIM thanks.. the thoughts HE has towards us are thoughts of peace and not evil to give us an expected end.. REST IN HIM...

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  11. I have been at that point many times especially in the last 4 years. I have questioned HIM a lot of times even to the extent of asking why HE created me without allowing me the options of coming or staying back at wherever I was before my birth. I have been so mad I've asked some of the most derogatory questions. However, I have one belief which has kept me going: what GOD won't do for me, no else can. There can be imitations which end is often sorrowful but the joy of the Lord adds no sorrow. This 'mad' state of mind often makes me commit some sins but I always find my way back. Also, the kind of Church I attend helps. It's as if God reads my mind and put words into some brethrens' mouths to speak to me. I have come to realize that regardsless of the situation, the Lord is good. Sometimes, denial is a way of protecting us. Whenever I feel down and life is loosing it's meaning, my coping strategies are:

    1. Counting my blessings. Believe me, no matter what we pass through, there are people we are still better than. If we look deeply, we shall see that we still have reasons to be thankful. Some people still look up to us.

    2. Remembering where I was coming from. Some of my mates whom we grew up together are no more. Some are in worse places. Yes, I am not where I should be but I am not where I used to be and I have hopes.

    3. I communicate with God. I don't usually pray in the popular manner of kneeling down, eyes shut etc when I'm in the 'mad mood'. I speak to HIM as if HE is seated in front of me and a lot of times, 'we' discuss. I often feel peaceful and relieved afterwards. I must however mention here that sometimes I'm so angry I don't even want to pray but I always find a way to calm down and communicate with HIM.

    4. I listen to songs, basically gospel/inspirational songs. There are good ones that lift the spirit and assure of God's love and faithfullness.

    5. I sing. I don't have a fantastic voice but I sing nontheless; songs I believe in. A particular one goes thus:

    'Sibe Oluwa dara' (still, the Lord is good)
    B'oti wu ko ri o (regardless of the situation)
    Iponju aye le po (afflictions may abound in life)
    Sugbon mo mo p'Oluwa dara (but I know the Lord is good)
    Idamu aye le po (the disturbances may abound in life)
    Sugbon mo mo p'Oluwa dara (but I know the Lord is good)'.

    May HIS peace be with us all.

    -F

    P.S: the Doctor's death is painful but it could have been worse. I have friends who lost their mum at the age of 38 years to an avoidable cause. This is not justifying her death but giving us an assurance that God knows best. There is a limit to what our mortal minds can comprehend; hence we question God when faced with unfavourable situations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes @ F, truly sometimes his denial is for our protection, I can totally relate.
      I haven't commented in a while, going through so much right now, health wise and financially BUT I'm grateful to God cos it could have been worse...
      L.

      Delete
    2. Oh yes @ F, truly sometimes his denial is for our protection, I can totally relate.
      I haven't commented in a while, going through so much right now, health wise and financially BUT I'm grateful to God cos it could have been worse...
      L.

      Delete
  12. I never been in a situation where I wud b mad at God,sincerely last nite Thelma,I cried for hours becos tins av not been going on well in my life lately but I cudnt question God cos I read somewhere in first Peters dat God allows smthings to happen in our LIVES to save us for future disasters. If dat woman didn't insist on keeping d libarian under watch,dis Ebola hemorrhagic fever wud av killed so many,so dats d purpose am talking abt.

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    Replies
    1. I know, but it's so sad that she had to be the scape goat. But then as they say if not her, then who? *Sigh*.

      Delete
  13. You folks have written a lot but I just want to simply answer Thelma's question
    1). When God is silent, I keep my mouth shut and listen. It can be painful listening for so long but the option of doing things my way has put me in enough trouble.

    2). I have experienced pain beyond what many people can appreciate but have never been mad at God for once. God is the only constant in all my life equations, whatever is going wrong has to be because of other variables; you don't get mad at God or query Him when you get this understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I believe God does have a huge sense of humour. "My ways are not your ways......the plans I have for you are for good and not for evil". Very comforting words but being human, dealing and questioning Him for our immediate pain is only natural.
    Years ago, I was in a very desperate ( I mean VERY DESPERATE) situation. My dad didnt know what was wrong and he didnt ask but one day he walks up to me in my room, sits down and says, "A long, flat piece of metal doesnt become a knife because it has a handle. It becomes a knife when it is sharpened. While sharpening, it is ground on a stone and pieces of it fall off. My son, believe that God is sharpening you for a purpose. Dont lose hope, dont give up".

    It took 5 years of being in the wilderness before God answered me. Everyday, i keep thanking God for the long sojourn in the wilderness because I have seen and I keep seeing why. Whatever tough times we go through, we should never forget that He lives. There are 3 answers to every request we make to God - yes,you can have it, no, u cannot or wait, I have something bigger(it's not time to answer yet!

    ReplyDelete

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