Last night I was so mad. I've not been this mad in a while. The kind of being so enraged that you grab at your sheets and your fingers claw into them till they nearly break, then you know that your cries might wake people up so you grab your pillow and scream into it to muffle the noise. That kind of mad.
Have you ever gotten to a point where you feel so hopeless about everything, and angry with everyone, most especially God. (Yes we're often not allowed to say we're angry with God but we've been at points in our lives where we're just so mad Him that we almost don't care anymore).
In the Delay is not Denial post someone commented questioning if God is really good, if delay really isn't denial? The comments that followed tried to reassure her and I'm hoping she read them and a bit of hope or/and faith was restored. Truth is, I read that comment and laughed. I proceeded to reply her and it was the longest epistle ever, the most personal thing I've written in a while; too personal, too honest. I immediately cancelled. Some people stay in the wings just to watch you crack and crumble, and I'm giving nobody that pleasure so I didn't publish the comment. But I know for certain how it feels to just not believe anymore.
I cannot count the number of mails I receive from readers in dark places, I cannot count the number of times blog readers have admitted to me that they're "mad at 'Him' ". Some weeks ago I spoke with a blog reader and after trying to explain to me in the best way one can to someone they've never met before, she finally exclaimed "I just need to catch a break. I just need one thing to go right, just one thing Thelma". Sometimes these people just need someone to hear them out which I'm always willing to do, other times however they want answers, which I often don't have. Hell! I sometimes have those same questions too.
At times it seems nothing at all is going right. Everything in your life seems to be going the exact opposite direction from the way you want it to be, you've hoped and waited but things just go from bad to worse. You hear He is "good" and you've believed for so long still you're yet to see a manifestation of this "goodness", so far delay has continued to be denial and now your back is against the wall....
How does one cope when He is silent?
Have you ever experienced pain so real that you were mad at Him? How did you move past that point?
PS; last night's pain wasn't exactly personal. Thankfully I've been doing really good of late (you guys know when I'm in a zone. *smile*). I'd never imagined I would react that way to the news of the death of someone I never met, but reading about the death of Dr Adadevoh really broke my heart. I was so mad at Him; how can you look on while we are ravaged this way? I kept asking into my pillow. I was at this for hours but no answer came. Nothing makes any sense.