Skip to main content

Dear Thelma, (Am I Taking It Too Far?)

Good morning Thelma, I have a story to share and would love ur opinion and the opinion of others, it goes thus; my dad left my mum when we were little kids(I and my sis),the incident left her devastated and after  5years she got married to my step dad. The irony of it is that,as the little child I was then, I  never liked him, for no just reason but my mum was happy with him, she felt she found love again. He showed his animalistic behaviour after five years, he did the unthinkable. 

He raped me,beat me and brutalized me,when mum found out and challenged him, he beat her up too. I was just 13years of age, it was a terrible case of depression, hatred, pain and agony. this continued for d nxt five years until I had to move out to stay with my aunty and after few years with her,at age 20, I moved to my own one room apartment and became free and I still live alone, though in a better environment and apartment. 

My anger now is this, mum insists dat no matter what happened I should forgive him, which I hav done and she also insist he would be d one to collect my bride price and stand as my father on my wedding day, I am not getting married yet but the thought freaks me out. He has apologized several times because he is getting old but that connection and flow just isn't there, I could puke at d sight of him. 

Now my question goes thus; should I dance to my mum's tune and allow him stand as a father on my D day, am I taking my hatred for him too far? T, i need comments and people's opinions please because I need to settle this before I locate or settle with Mr right. 


  1. Your hatred is justified, but if you keep holding on to that anger it might destroy you, its nice to forgive at times its very difficult. Your mum is still with this man ?

  2. Sorry dear, forgive him to have peace but do not let him take the role of the father of the day. Rather, let a close uncle who you like do that. Your mum being with this man after raping you is just callous. Your mum no try at all,sorry to say. A man rapes your daughter and you still stay married to him and even want to accord him honor on your daughters wedding. Shuo

  3. I don't think you're taking it too far.
    In as much as I believe we should forgive people, I'm of the opinion that certain things one does to me, places them on another level with me. Doesn't mean I haven't really forgiven nor that I'm hurt.
    This story is a good example of one such things.
    I know I'd not agree to your mum's proposal...nah.
    What I think is, she's thinking of a picture perfect presentation of your family's relationship. So what about the challenge you've been through?
    If you wouldn't mind go with her, if not, explain to her. Then an uncle should do that.

  4. Hey guys,plsss don't blame mum. She wanted to leave d marriage but she didn't want to be labelled a woman who has married twice and she has kids for this man. Besides we are igbos and u know most igbos don't live such life. Truth be told,my mum fought him with all she had but she had NO choice than to stay because of what would become of her as a single mother with three kids and no source of livelihood.

    1. Well, I won't judge your mother. However, I am a single mum and if God allows, I intend getting married one last time. Main reason is to justify sex(silly? Maybe) but I swear, no man will try this shit with my daughters. God help me, I would record my first murder if any idiot from the pit of hell tried this with my girls. We always have options and our choice should ultimately be the one which protects our kids in this kind of case. The wellbeing of the children should be paramount. It should supercede even a mother's desire to keep her husband.

      Just mt thought.


    2. Sweetie, I guess its safe to say your mum was either not bold enough to move on, on her own without this man or her family was strong enough to let her still remain with him. I say strong, because it will take a lot of strength for me to see any family member of mine go through this pain and not get them out. That being said, it has nothing to do with the tribe. Am ibo as well and my mom has been married twice, first man was somewhat like your step father (minus the rape part), her brothers got her out of his home. 10yrs later she married my father, who IMO was just about the same (minus the violence). I can count how many times I've lived with my father as a family and he has never taken responsibility for his kids, of course my mom has taken care of her children on her own n with the help of her siblings. I do not recall my father ever beating me , let alone raping me, yet am so sure he will not walk me down the aisle. NEVER!!! My mother's brother who has been the father figure in my life will; and there's nothing anyone can say to change my mind, mumsi won't even dare bringing it up.
      If you cannot find the strength to bear to see him walk you down the aisle, then DO NOT let it happen. The best you can give your mother is forgiving him.

  5. Hmmmm, I don't think you are taking it too far , because what he did is abominable, but well you have forgiven him is it possible for you to forget? If you can then allow him to stand for if not pls look for dad or an uncle to do that for you.

  6. @Tracey,dad died two years ago,so I heard from his friend recently

  7. Kill the hatred but don't give him the honour of collecting your bride price.


  8. I got so mad while reading this! first of all, Sorry for all the things that beast put you through! and your mum.. your mom!!! that's all I have to say about her. The christain thing to do is forgive him but it's not easy. Heck if that was me, I would have poisoned his food long long time ago. Dear God! do not give him that privilege to stand as your father and be vocal about it! a father does not rape a child!!! if you have a close uncle, then he should represent your father. is well.

  9. Kill the hatred but don't give him the honour of collecting your bride price,

    I know you might have forgiven him, but atleast let him pay a small price for his actions, and let the price be that he doesn't act as your father and collect your bride price. He lost that honor the day he had carnal knowledge of you. It is justified christianically and islamically, infact Islam stipulates that he should be sea, and he is worse than an infidel.

    Imagine what might be running thru his mind if he is allowed to collect the. Bride price, the devil might be putting thoughts on his head towards your husband like " see this mumu coming to pay for woman I have finished sampling" the heart of man is desperately wicked even after he is forgiven in this dog eat dog world.

    Even your husband will run mad if he ever gets to find out you made him pay bride price to a man that has shared your womanly flower with him.

    This is the best advice you will get on this site, simply don't do it. Get another honorable man. Maybe your uncle or something.

    1. We are def on the same frequency...
      Some people just wanna eat the cake and still have it when they did

  10. Yeah your mom did not want to be labelled as a woman who got divorced twice but she was selfish to put that ahead of doing the right thing. That could have messed you up for life. Do not let that rapist collect your bride price.J

  11. Yeah your mom did not want to be labelled as a woman who got divorced twice but she was selfish to put that ahead of doing the right thing. That could have messed you up for life. Do not let that rapist collect your bride price.J

  12. 'Get another honourable man'? Seriously? Let he who has no sin cast the First stone please... As much as wat your Step Father has done is outrightly Despicable, the Fact that you have forgiven Him and yes, I know how hard dat must be for you or anyone else. But the truth is you have chosen to forgive him. Even if you don't want him to collect your bride-price, atleast do no do so based on the Past upon wch you hv chosen to forgive him. God be with you as you make the Right decisions based On the Gospel as I believe you're a christian.

    1. You this Uyi guy always makes no sense.

    2. Thank you! You understanding of 'sense'(wch I'm sure is an eye for an eye) is the reason the world would never be a Better place. Life is good only to Those who make Good out of it. The reverse Is also d case.

      (You for no dey anonymous whether I no go trace your IP address come beat you for your house) lolz...abeg Na joke I dey Oh

    3. I am only anonymous because i no get energy to dey sign up accounts and stuff, got a lot to do. and stop forming holier than thou. ur the type that pastors deceive in the name of religion. You are the type that says if i slap oyedepo, my hands will catch fire. I will give d guy better slap, and nothing go happen. I am a catholic, the the highest grade of christian to be. roger that

    4. "He RAPED me, BEAT me and BRUTALIZED me,when mum found out and challenged him, he BEAT HER up too. I was just 13years of age, it was a terrible case of DEPRESSION, HATRED, PAIN and AGONY. this continued for d nxt FIVE YEARS until I had to move out.."

      I am all for forgiveness but her mother asking that she allow the step dad collect the bride price is the height of the humiliation.
      She has forgiven the man and the man should count himself lucky; in a sane society, this guy would be in jail and get tagged for life after his jail term. Only psychos rape girls and this is why they are locked up.

      Please do not allow the man collect the bride price.

  13. Kai,this type of story makes me question some things. So every rapist shld be forgiven abi? So also all criminal offenders? We throw the word forgiveness around losely #SwearDown.
    Well,I wwld say all u owe him is the forgiveness u have already given him. He shld have thought of the future before raping another man's child entrusted in his care.

    1. Dear sasha bone.... Sometimes I wonder like you... maybe even more... why should someone that stole a girl's innocence in such violent manner be shown mercy and forgiveness?! why should someone who joined in gang raping a married woman in the presence of her husband still stand a chance of entering heaven cuz if he asks, God would show mercy.... and so many others....
      All I know is, there's somfn about forgiveness and mercy... it's a mystery I still can't wrap my head around.

      The poster just reminds me of t.d Jakes' "Woman, thou art loosed"

    2. Hi,forgiveness is mostly so the poster can move on with her life she has to set herself free and keep believing God, for the stepfather karma has a way of dealing.

  14. I'm too angry to talk much. Sorry for ur pain Hon.
    But no matter what u do, forgive & forget, blah blah blah! He must NOT collect ur bride price. Fathers do not have sex with their kids. Sugar daddies do.
    How will ur hubby feel if he hears this in the future?

  15. Thanks everyone,reading ALL ur comments gave me a better sense of reasoning and also made me feel better.@T,thanks for posting this SIS. GOD bless u and bigger you I pray in Jesus NaME.

  16. @ Uyi, this is not a case of an eye for an eye. The fact is that this man is a RAPIST. Forgiveness has got noting to do with this. Yes she has forgiven and all. But he lost the honor to be her father.

    Let's all call a spade by its name. If u hv a brother, he can stand for u, if u hv an uncle he can stand for u, certainly not this rapist. In a normal setting the so called father would have been taken to jail to pay for his crimes. I work with less privileged children and I see on first hand basis what some cruel men do to children in the name of poverty.
    I'm so enraged. I look at my daughter each day, and God knows I'd kill any man who dares do any unholy thing to her. Clare

    1. I understand you, I'm not saying wat. he has done to her is trivial! He shud be in jail for 25years(I think dats wat the law says)

      He is murderer, let's kill him! The other man is an armed robber, he must die! This one is dis, let's cut his neck off. That one is dat... And on and on and on! Have you ever been told that the best way to deal with your 'enemy' is being happy always, worse dan 'Revenge'.

      Now I decided to use the bible, where some people wanted to stone A Prostitute (now to justify deir reasons, they called her all sorts of names), I mean we all know how Jesus Christ handled it.

      Now in dis situation, She has chosen to forgive this said Step Father, I don't know if she truly has, but she Seems to believe she truly has forgiven him. That single action alone has annulled the Past. So now the future holds dat someone has to collect the Bride-price. Anybody who doesn't know abt d stepfather's Past action actually do not care who collects it. So If she has to choose, she should make dat decision without using wat she has already forgiven her step father For.

      Life is too short to carry grudges, we are all here talking about this, every Single one of us have Past tru one or more situations and some even worse dan dis(I am an example).
      I can't dwell on those past anymore, wat does My future holds? Dats wat matters most to me. Not some Ugly Past

    2. People should be forgiven BUT should not let go off so easily in some cases. How do others learn and not act in such despicable manners in the future? How do we set examples if we preach 'forgive and forget' in a manner which suggests letting go without some form of punishment to serve as deterrent to people with the potentials to act as such.


  17. @ Uyi, this is not a case of an eye for an eye. The fact is that this man is a RAPIST. Forgiveness has got noting to do with this. Yes she has forgiven and all. But he lost the honor to be her father.

    Let's all call a spade by its name. If u hv a brother, he can stand for u, if u hv an uncle he can stand for u, certainly not this rapist. In a normal setting the so called father would have been taken to jail to pay for his crimes. I work with less privileged children and I see on first hand basis what some cruel men do to children in the name of poverty.
    I'm so enraged. I look at my daughter each day, and God knows I'd kill any man who dares do any unholy thing to her. Clare

  18. He raped you. Now he wants to collect bride price? And you are asking if you should allow him? Abeg o, something dey worry you? You are thinking if you should allow him just because your mum (whom in my opinion shuld have left him long ago) said so. Bia o, even if ur dad left you guys, atleast one of ur dad's male relation is still alive to do the honours. Please and Please do not destroy your home before meeting your husband o. You've forgiven him, that one is enough for him. BE VERY WISE.

  19. I'm not angry with ur step father, (note the sarcasm) . It's ur mum that's getting me really upset and worried. It's totally unfair and insensitive of her to ask u to choose him or make him collect ur BP. He lost that privileged.

    Thank God u wanna get married, u will have children and may God never put u in such a position. You may be making excuses for ur mum that she wanted to leave that marriage, she had no choice and all but trust me, we always hv a choice.

    She has no right to make u do what she wants. She also lost that privileged. That's my take. You were raped for 5 years.... haba. I'm so angry, so so angry.

  20. Your mum should have left and spared you five more years of torture. No excuses for her. If she really had no choice, then she should have kept you with a relative or a friend.

    Yes, you'll have to forgive him for yourself actually. So that you can heal properly but a capital NO to the bride price thing or being honoured as your dad. Someone else you hold in high esteem should play that role. And if anyone should raise an eyebrow, keep mute and let him and your mum explain why, if they can.

  21. do yourself a favor and forgive him.... you'l be glad you did... unforgiveness only makes us slaves to our bitterness and to the person we're bitter towards us.... That being said, a father should be a man that nurtures, protects and builds you up... which clearly, he is not.. and i don't think you want to be given away by a man that you probably have no good memories of... so get another man to play that role... he doesn't deserve it...

  22. Forgive him and then forget about him don't allow him in your life anymore, remember old habits die hard he might do what he did to you to your children in future.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…


Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...


He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
See how you are serious dey read this story....!


A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…


I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Closed Chapter...

Hello everyone, yesterday a friend said to me, Thelma I love your blog, I've told so many people about your blog, I think you're a very good writer but I feel there's something you're not doing right"

This friend was the first person who won our beauty of the day contest back then in 2014. Then we had met just once through a mutual friend. I mentioned the blog to her and she became an instant reader. I wouldn't have exactly called her a friend then but yesterday as we sat down waiting for our Uber to come get us from Wal-Mart, she's definitely my friend and I knew she was coming from a good place when she said she had much higher expectations of my blog.

Me too.

But you see, in the last year or so, maybe even longer than that, I haven't felt much joy in blogging. It began to feel more and more of a laborious chore, one which I hardly reaped any fruits from.

I really love writing, I love sharing my life and my experiences with others and I've enjoy…

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 

Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.

Uyi & Tiwa