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Dear Thelma, (Am I Taking It Too Far?)





Good morning Thelma, I have a story to share and would love ur opinion and the opinion of others, it goes thus; my dad left my mum when we were little kids(I and my sis),the incident left her devastated and after  5years she got married to my step dad. The irony of it is that,as the little child I was then, I  never liked him, for no just reason but my mum was happy with him, she felt she found love again. He showed his animalistic behaviour after five years, he did the unthinkable. 

He raped me,beat me and brutalized me,when mum found out and challenged him, he beat her up too. I was just 13years of age, it was a terrible case of depression, hatred, pain and agony. this continued for d nxt five years until I had to move out to stay with my aunty and after few years with her,at age 20, I moved to my own one room apartment and became free and I still live alone, though in a better environment and apartment. 

My anger now is this, mum insists dat no matter what happened I should forgive him, which I hav done and she also insist he would be d one to collect my bride price and stand as my father on my wedding day, I am not getting married yet but the thought freaks me out. He has apologized several times because he is getting old but that connection and flow just isn't there, I could puke at d sight of him. 

Now my question goes thus; should I dance to my mum's tune and allow him stand as a father on my D day, am I taking my hatred for him too far? T, i need comments and people's opinions please because I need to settle this before I locate or settle with Mr right. 

Comments

  1. Your hatred is justified, but if you keep holding on to that anger it might destroy you, its nice to forgive at times its very difficult. Your mum is still with this man ?

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  2. Sorry dear, forgive him to have peace but do not let him take the role of the father of the day. Rather, let a close uncle who you like do that. Your mum being with this man after raping you is just callous. Your mum no try at all,sorry to say. A man rapes your daughter and you still stay married to him and even want to accord him honor on your daughters wedding. Shuo

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  3. I don't think you're taking it too far.
    In as much as I believe we should forgive people, I'm of the opinion that certain things one does to me, places them on another level with me. Doesn't mean I haven't really forgiven nor that I'm hurt.
    This story is a good example of one such things.
    I know I'd not agree to your mum's proposal...nah.
    What I think is, she's thinking of a picture perfect presentation of your family's relationship. So what about the challenge you've been through?
    If you wouldn't mind go with her, if not, explain to her. Then an uncle should do that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey guys,plsss don't blame mum. She wanted to leave d marriage but she didn't want to be labelled a woman who has married twice and she has kids for this man. Besides we are igbos and u know most igbos don't live such life. Truth be told,my mum fought him with all she had but she had NO choice than to stay because of what would become of her as a single mother with three kids and no source of livelihood.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I won't judge your mother. However, I am a single mum and if God allows, I intend getting married one last time. Main reason is to justify sex(silly? Maybe) but I swear, no man will try this shit with my daughters. God help me, I would record my first murder if any idiot from the pit of hell tried this with my girls. We always have options and our choice should ultimately be the one which protects our kids in this kind of case. The wellbeing of the children should be paramount. It should supercede even a mother's desire to keep her husband.

      Just mt thought.

      -F

      Delete
    2. Sweetie, I guess its safe to say your mum was either not bold enough to move on, on her own without this man or her family was strong enough to let her still remain with him. I say strong, because it will take a lot of strength for me to see any family member of mine go through this pain and not get them out. That being said, it has nothing to do with the tribe. Am ibo as well and my mom has been married twice, first man was somewhat like your step father (minus the rape part), her brothers got her out of his home. 10yrs later she married my father, who IMO was just about the same (minus the violence). I can count how many times I've lived with my father as a family and he has never taken responsibility for his kids, of course my mom has taken care of her children on her own n with the help of her siblings. I do not recall my father ever beating me , let alone raping me, yet am so sure he will not walk me down the aisle. NEVER!!! My mother's brother who has been the father figure in my life will; and there's nothing anyone can say to change my mind, mumsi won't even dare bringing it up.
      If you cannot find the strength to bear to see him walk you down the aisle, then DO NOT let it happen. The best you can give your mother is forgiving him.

      Delete
  5. Hmmmm, I don't think you are taking it too far , because what he did is abominable, but well you have forgiven him is it possible for you to forget? If you can then allow him to stand for if not pls look for dad or an uncle to do that for you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Tracey,dad died two years ago,so I heard from his friend recently

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  7. Kill the hatred but don't give him the honour of collecting your bride price.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  8. I got so mad while reading this! first of all, Sorry for all the things that beast put you through! and your mum.. your mom!!! that's all I have to say about her. The christain thing to do is forgive him but it's not easy. Heck if that was me, I would have poisoned his food long long time ago. Dear God! do not give him that privilege to stand as your father and be vocal about it! a father does not rape a child!!! if you have a close uncle, then he should represent your father. Sighh..it is well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kill the hatred but don't give him the honour of collecting your bride price,

    I know you might have forgiven him, but atleast let him pay a small price for his actions, and let the price be that he doesn't act as your father and collect your bride price. He lost that honor the day he had carnal knowledge of you. It is justified christianically and islamically, infact Islam stipulates that he should be sea, and he is worse than an infidel.

    Imagine what might be running thru his mind if he is allowed to collect the. Bride price, the devil might be putting thoughts on his head towards your husband like " see this mumu coming to pay for woman I have finished sampling" the heart of man is desperately wicked even after he is forgiven in this dog eat dog world.

    Even your husband will run mad if he ever gets to find out you made him pay bride price to a man that has shared your womanly flower with him.

    This is the best advice you will get on this site, simply don't do it. Get another honorable man. Maybe your uncle or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are def on the same frequency...
      Some people just wanna eat the cake and still have it when they did

      Delete
  10. Yeah your mom did not want to be labelled as a woman who got divorced twice but she was selfish to put that ahead of doing the right thing. That could have messed you up for life. Do not let that rapist collect your bride price.J

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yeah your mom did not want to be labelled as a woman who got divorced twice but she was selfish to put that ahead of doing the right thing. That could have messed you up for life. Do not let that rapist collect your bride price.J

    ReplyDelete
  12. 'Get another honourable man'? Seriously? Let he who has no sin cast the First stone please... As much as wat your Step Father has done is outrightly Despicable, the Fact that you have forgiven Him and yes, I know how hard dat must be for you or anyone else. But the truth is you have chosen to forgive him. Even if you don't want him to collect your bride-price, atleast do no do so based on the Past upon wch you hv chosen to forgive him. God be with you as you make the Right decisions based On the Gospel as I believe you're a christian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You this Uyi guy always makes no sense.

      Delete
    2. Thank you! You understanding of 'sense'(wch I'm sure is an eye for an eye) is the reason the world would never be a Better place. Life is good only to Those who make Good out of it. The reverse Is also d case.

      (You for no dey anonymous whether I no go trace your IP address come beat you for your house) lolz...abeg Na joke I dey Oh

      Delete
    3. I am only anonymous because i no get energy to dey sign up accounts and stuff, got a lot to do. and stop forming holier than thou. ur the type that pastors deceive in the name of religion. You are the type that says if i slap oyedepo, my hands will catch fire. I will give d guy better slap, and nothing go happen. I am a catholic, the the highest grade of christian to be. roger that

      Delete
    4. "He RAPED me, BEAT me and BRUTALIZED me,when mum found out and challenged him, he BEAT HER up too. I was just 13years of age, it was a terrible case of DEPRESSION, HATRED, PAIN and AGONY. this continued for d nxt FIVE YEARS until I had to move out.."

      I am all for forgiveness but her mother asking that she allow the step dad collect the bride price is the height of the humiliation.
      She has forgiven the man and the man should count himself lucky; in a sane society, this guy would be in jail and get tagged for life after his jail term. Only psychos rape girls and this is why they are locked up.

      Please do not allow the man collect the bride price.

      Delete
  13. Kai,this type of story makes me question some things. So every rapist shld be forgiven abi? So also all criminal offenders? We throw the word forgiveness around losely #SwearDown.
    Well,I wwld say all u owe him is the forgiveness u have already given him. He shld have thought of the future before raping another man's child entrusted in his care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear sasha bone.... Sometimes I wonder like you... maybe even more... why should someone that stole a girl's innocence in such violent manner be shown mercy and forgiveness?! why should someone who joined in gang raping a married woman in the presence of her husband still stand a chance of entering heaven cuz if he asks, God would show mercy.... and so many others....
      All I know is, there's somfn about forgiveness and mercy... it's a mystery I still can't wrap my head around.

      The poster just reminds me of t.d Jakes' "Woman, thou art loosed"

      Delete
    2. Hi,forgiveness is mostly so the poster can move on with her life she has to set herself free and keep believing God, for the stepfather karma has a way of dealing.

      Delete
  14. I'm too angry to talk much. Sorry for ur pain Hon.
    But no matter what u do, forgive & forget, blah blah blah! He must NOT collect ur bride price. Fathers do not have sex with their kids. Sugar daddies do.
    How will ur hubby feel if he hears this in the future?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks everyone,reading ALL ur comments gave me a better sense of reasoning and also made me feel better.@T,thanks for posting this SIS. GOD bless u and bigger you I pray in Jesus NaME.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @ Uyi, this is not a case of an eye for an eye. The fact is that this man is a RAPIST. Forgiveness has got noting to do with this. Yes she has forgiven and all. But he lost the honor to be her father.

    Let's all call a spade by its name. If u hv a brother, he can stand for u, if u hv an uncle he can stand for u, certainly not this rapist. In a normal setting the so called father would have been taken to jail to pay for his crimes. I work with less privileged children and I see on first hand basis what some cruel men do to children in the name of poverty.
    I'm so enraged. I look at my daughter each day, and God knows I'd kill any man who dares do any unholy thing to her. Clare

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand you, I'm not saying wat. he has done to her is trivial! He shud be in jail for 25years(I think dats wat the law says)

      He is murderer, let's kill him! The other man is an armed robber, he must die! This one is dis, let's cut his neck off. That one is dat... And on and on and on! Have you ever been told that the best way to deal with your 'enemy' is being happy always, worse dan 'Revenge'.

      Now I decided to use the bible, where some people wanted to stone A Prostitute (now to justify deir reasons, they called her all sorts of names), I mean we all know how Jesus Christ handled it.

      Now in dis situation, She has chosen to forgive this said Step Father, I don't know if she truly has, but she Seems to believe she truly has forgiven him. That single action alone has annulled the Past. So now the future holds dat someone has to collect the Bride-price. Anybody who doesn't know abt d stepfather's Past action actually do not care who collects it. So If she has to choose, she should make dat decision without using wat she has already forgiven her step father For.

      Life is too short to carry grudges, we are all here talking about this, every Single one of us have Past tru one or more situations and some even worse dan dis(I am an example).
      I can't dwell on those past anymore, wat does My future holds? Dats wat matters most to me. Not some Ugly Past

      Delete
    2. People should be forgiven BUT should not let go off so easily in some cases. How do others learn and not act in such despicable manners in the future? How do we set examples if we preach 'forgive and forget' in a manner which suggests letting go without some form of punishment to serve as deterrent to people with the potentials to act as such.

      -F

      Delete
  17. @ Uyi, this is not a case of an eye for an eye. The fact is that this man is a RAPIST. Forgiveness has got noting to do with this. Yes she has forgiven and all. But he lost the honor to be her father.

    Let's all call a spade by its name. If u hv a brother, he can stand for u, if u hv an uncle he can stand for u, certainly not this rapist. In a normal setting the so called father would have been taken to jail to pay for his crimes. I work with less privileged children and I see on first hand basis what some cruel men do to children in the name of poverty.
    I'm so enraged. I look at my daughter each day, and God knows I'd kill any man who dares do any unholy thing to her. Clare

    ReplyDelete
  18. He raped you. Now he wants to collect bride price? And you are asking if you should allow him? Abeg o, something dey worry you? You are thinking if you should allow him just because your mum (whom in my opinion shuld have left him long ago) said so. Bia o, even if ur dad left you guys, atleast one of ur dad's male relation is still alive to do the honours. Please and Please do not destroy your home before meeting your husband o. You've forgiven him, that one is enough for him. BE VERY WISE.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm not angry with ur step father, (note the sarcasm) . It's ur mum that's getting me really upset and worried. It's totally unfair and insensitive of her to ask u to choose him or make him collect ur BP. He lost that privileged.

    Thank God u wanna get married, u will have children and may God never put u in such a position. You may be making excuses for ur mum that she wanted to leave that marriage, she had no choice and all but trust me, we always hv a choice.

    She has no right to make u do what she wants. She also lost that privileged. That's my take. You were raped for 5 years.... haba. I'm so angry, so so angry.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your mum should have left and spared you five more years of torture. No excuses for her. If she really had no choice, then she should have kept you with a relative or a friend.

    Yes, you'll have to forgive him for yourself actually. So that you can heal properly but a capital NO to the bride price thing or being honoured as your dad. Someone else you hold in high esteem should play that role. And if anyone should raise an eyebrow, keep mute and let him and your mum explain why, if they can.

    ReplyDelete
  21. do yourself a favor and forgive him.... you'l be glad you did... unforgiveness only makes us slaves to our bitterness and to the person we're bitter towards us.... That being said, a father should be a man that nurtures, protects and builds you up... which clearly, he is not.. and i don't think you want to be given away by a man that you probably have no good memories of... so get another man to play that role... he doesn't deserve it...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Forgive him and then forget about him don't allow him in your life anymore, remember old habits die hard he might do what he did to you to your children in future.

    ReplyDelete

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