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Dear Thelma... ("What Should I do?" Confused Blog Reader Asks)








Dear Thelma,

I need advice. Can you post this for the blog readers to help me with their views on what they think of my situation?

I’m a 29 year-old single mum whose kid is 6 months old (I was not married). My ex and I broke up when I was 2 months pregnant after I found out I had been his side chick all along and he was getting married to someone else. I have forgiven him and I’m happily raising my baby with no input from him. I have a comfortable job, nice car and apartment; in fact I’m doing extremely well financially.

I have this guy (Max) who has been on my case for the last 10 years and has been proposing to me for the last 3 years. Now, Max says he still loves me and he’ll love my kid as his own. He wants to marry me immediately (no dating) and he’s prepared to send his relatives to come see mine in December. In Jan (when I was 7 months along), he wanted us to go do a registry wedding but I refused because it didn't make sense. How can a man want to get married to a heavily pregnant woman who is carrying another man’s child?

Max is a very good and selfless person. I've known him since I was 12 and he has everything I want from a man. My main problem with him is I feel no love, no attraction towards him. I do not even think he’s handsome.

Being a single mum and at my age, the probability that I’ll get married to a man I love is slim. Besides what has love brought me other than my son?

I must also say that, for the past years, every time I prayed to God for a husband, Max would call uncountable times begging me to marry him. Is he the husband God has created for me?

What should I do? I know he cannot keep waiting and I’m scared if I accept his proposal I may be making the biggest mistake of my life. What if I later meet someone I like? But aren't there arranged marriages that are successful?

What should I do? I’m so confused. 


Thx

Comments

  1. having little or no experience on the matter, I'd wait for more capable minds to opine

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  2. Poster, mbok marry him oooh!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Let me lead with my scepticism... why was he willing and eager to marry you with a pregnancy that wasn't his?? Do you really know all there is to know about this man? If you are clear on the above then u can marry him hoping that you grow to love him. Marriage is a funny institution, some go into it with so much love and in a year or 2 the love is all burnt out and they begin to resent each other, while some go in with just fondness and the love grows. There's really no hard and fast rule to this marriage thingy. Talk to God about it, listen and you will hear from him one way or the other. Take ur time and decide wisely because forever is a long time to be unhappy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. 29 is not too old, if u have that mind set, u might settle. Please don't settle, u might not like him now and grow to like him later, but make sure u date, take everything slowly. Give him a chance and if after a while still nothing then u can end things.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Poster, I must salute your courage in keeping ur Baby & still doing well financially, it shows u are hard working.
    The thing is this Max guy might genuinely Love U & want to be with u based on that.
    All i'll advice u to do is date him for a while & OPEN your heart. Appreciate his positives & concentrate on how he makes u feel... Remember, Ur child 1st. how does he behave with ur child? Date him for 6months or there about & see what happens.
    I wish U the best Hon!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. 29 is not old. my suggestion is that you date him. that way you will get a glimpse of what its like being with him. if you dont still see yourself married to him that way you know you tried. Love at first sight is over rated and tends to burn out fast. Most times the best type of love are the ones that grow out of situations like this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You said you've known him since you were both kids, so you might both think you know all there is about yourselves. But marriage is a different beast altogether. I concur with those that say you should date/court for a few months. Go for pre-marital counselling if possible, or if you can discuss, then talk to each other. What are your goals and passions in life? What are your expectations from a life partner? More kids? Kind of sex you like/dislike? etc.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sometimes,the love from the man alone can be enough to keep the marriage/rship going. Now u need a man that can be a husband to u and a good father to ur son not just someone who gives u butterflies in ur tummy. Goodluck when u finally make a decision.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Like everyone generally said,date him for a while and see what you get,but above all,I think u should pray,not just prayers for God to send ur hussy,pray that God should open ur heart n eyes to see whoever it is he has or wants you to marry,ask him to reveal your SO to you,I believe so much in communing with God cos it work's perfectly for me n I pray it works for you and above all ask him to order your footsteps n help you make the right decision while you also watch the guy's attitude towards u n ur kid n all u need to study about him. Wish you luck.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So sad this had to happen. People tend to be very deceptive but sometimes we ignore the vital signs. The father of your child will have his due. I salute your courage to move on and also forgive him. As for Max, you need to go beyond what you think you know about him, ask your self some deep questions, especially on things that matter most to you. Also, is max financially okay to take care of a home, will his family be a burden due to your son. Etc.

    I know of female friends who got pregnant in a failed relationship and still married some good guys. Most times the love may not be what they hoped for, however they are still happy.

    Don't allow Max rush u into marriage, hang out with him and open ur heart. God bless U. C.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So sad this had to happen. People tend to be very deceptive but sometimes we ignore the vital signs. The father of your child will have his due. I salute your courage to move on and also forgive him. As for Max, you need to go beyond what you think you know about him, ask your self some deep questions, especially on things that matter most to you. Also, is max financially okay to take care of a home, will his family be a burden due to your son. Etc.

    I know of female friends who got pregnant in a failed relationship and still married some good guys. Most times the love may not be what they hoped for, however they are still happy.

    Don't allow Max rush u into marriage, hang out with him and open ur heart. God bless U. C.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Babe...... Firstly, forget say you have known him from when you were 12 yrs...you don't know him completely. Secondly, I want to believe we dont initially 'like' or 'feel' the person who comes our way even if they are good. We just don't see it! We don't want to see it! My dear PRAY! I don't know how God speaks to you but I know of a surety that no matter how much I liked the guys I met in the past, I sincerely tell God, 'Daddy I like this guy(mention his name)...please Daddy what do you think?'...d way I start getting revelations and the way the thing dey scatter is faster than wen you highlight and press DELETE. Don't rush yourself at all...after going through the last one with your ex...you need to take it slow. Don't discourage or frustrate him...take your time and trust me.... God/ time will reveal if he is a Genuine Article! Regards to the baby.....#JoyDaNuGirl.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks Thelma for posting this and thanks everyone for your kind contributions. I discussed the matter with my mum as well and she advised me to also get to date him for a while. My mum asked me a few questions about him and I must admit I didn't know the answers. She said that every woman needs a man but it's better to take some time off and study him.
    I will definitely tell him I'm open to a relationship with him and that only time will tell whether or not we'll progress to marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Please talk to God about him first and listen to what HE says, you know how God talks to you but i believe if you feel total peace about it then that is God "okaying" it.
    Secondly, give him a chance, open your heart and stay positive.
    Thirdly, watch him around your son and see if there's a connection and finally, please don't settle if you're not convinced. God will help you okay.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thelma why did you remove my post? does it contain inapproppraite statements. not nice and without an explanation or is it wrong to have question isnt that what we do here? wld u rather turn it into a post? or is this how you treat your blog visitors??? plenty questions abi? am not happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes it's how I treat my blog visitors.
      Ok seriously, calm down. Yes I want to turn it into a post so that you can get more answers and ideas, that's all. I should have explained; I'd thought I could still reply when I delete the way I did but it turns out I can't.

      Delete
    2. Oops. Apparently I can. Wonder what happened when I tried...

      Delete
    3. yours sins are forgiven Thelma. mwahhh! now i know i love you. (no homo) stumbled on your blog last week n am already an addict.

      Delete
  17. Poster , date this guy for sometime also pray about it trust me God reveals the identity either through dreams or something. Don't stop trusting God he will never fail you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Single mum at 29, i understand how hard that can be, i'm there. Everyone including you expects you to jump at every opportunity of a man, but the danger in that is rushing into another 'situation' It's important to remember that you do not have to settle, 29 is not old, don't think that and this is marriage, there's no set time for anyone.
    Now i agree with Sashabone when she said you are not just looking for the butterfly-in-ur-belly-feeling kinda love anymore (although that can still happen), you've got your son to think of too and i strongly believe that the love of a man can keep the marriage going to a large extent. That being said, give him a chance and get to know him for some time, let there be a courting period which doesn't necessarily have to be long. And ask God to direct you, this can be really confusing times. i'll say a prayer for you too, i'm happy when i see sisters in my shoes find a man to love them again, gives me hope........

    ReplyDelete
  19. Date him for a bit. And take it to God, he will speak to you in his own way.

    ReplyDelete

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