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Dumb Down Yourself, Play Down Your Success If You Want That Ring.

Once again, last night I thought about Chioma after a guy made an unsavory comment about her.  She's a very brilliant lady, and beautiful too, yet everytime her name comes up in a conversation with a man it's always as if you just put lime in his mouth as his face becomes contorted and he says (they all say) "I wonder if she'll ever find someone to marry her". 

I've often asked why and the reason is always this: Chioma who's in her early to mid 30s is a strong woman. Too strong. She takes no prisoners, cuts out the BS, is smart as a whip and has little or no patience for a man who doesn't measure up intellectually AND then the biggest issue of them all; she's too independent, too rich. 

According to them, not only are Chioma's parents very well off, her salary and allowances are just too much for a woman her age. Will such a person ever listen or submit to her man, they wonder. 

What I can take from this is that women like Chioma may need to dumb themselves down a bit, if they want to snag a ring. They'd need to play down their intelligence and also 'learn' patience. Then comes the most important part; tone down the 'excesses'; don't go on dates with men in your super expensive car which you bought yourself from your hard earned income, don't tell men that the house you live in actually belongs to you and you've already made some down payments on another property you're looking to buy, take off you're Piaget wristwatch and put on the Next when you're going to see him, let him win arguments even though you're itching to point out the flaws in his line of reasoning.... All because your independence, intellect and wealth may be your greatest undoing if you hope to get him to put a ring on it. 

Some years back I read comments on a post on Bella Naija and maybe I was too young to understand or believe, to me it seemed like such hilarity; a few ladies admitted to lying about where they lived because their real homes would scare men away, some said the minute their men learnt they were property owners they took a walk, some said they own(ed) cars but when going out or on dates they would take taxis in order not to scare men away, and all sorts. I remember when my sister wanted to move out of our parents' home several years ago. My mum was so worried because "no man will want to marry a single woman living on her own, especially in a house that is in an upscale part of town...", she was worried my sister would scare prospective suitors away. 

I've often heard that some men are threatened by very successful women, it's not a novel concept. But what are women like Chioma to do? Is it so difficult to believe that a strong successful woman can still love and respect you as her husband? What happens when a women is forced to dumb herself down and pretend that she's less than who she is before the marriage and then shows her 'true colours' afterwards? Is it true that once a woman earns more than her man she can never 'submit'?

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  2. On your mums' fears when your sister wanted to move out to get her own apartment. I'm in those shoes now. My mum will not even smell it. It was war before she agreed that I buy my car. Now, 70% of the day, I'm immersed in the thought of ''if only I had my own apartment''.
    About Chioma having to play dumb, I do not agree, I'm sure there are men out there who would out-do her intellectually, financially and every other ''lly's'' that there may be.

  3. Ok I’m going to generalize here:

    1) When men make money they think primarily of their families; women think primarily of themselves.
    2) Men reluctantly receive money from women; women readily receive money from men.
    3) Men who are breadwinners are less emotional when handling home affairs; women who are breadwinners are more emotional and this often clouds their judgment.
    4) Men who are breadwinners are usually major losers when they divorce their wives, whereas the reverse is the case for women.

    Ofcourse there are exceptions, but so far these are a few general instances that can explain why most men cringe at the sight of successful women. It’s a worldwide *epidemic*.

    1. Yes generalisations. And mind you no woman is born with the stingy gene. It is how the world operated before we were born. But some women are breaking the limits set for them by the society.
      It's a sad thing.
      All I can tell Chioma is to be herself. If she is really a loving person then someone is going to love her.

    2. Yes generalisations. And mind you no woman is born with the stingy gene. It is how the world operated before we were born. But some women are breaking the limits set for them by the society.
      It's a sad thing.
      All I can tell Chioma is to be herself. If she is really a loving person then someone is going to love her.

  4. To me, pretending to be less than who you are just to snag a ring is the last thing I'd advise anyone to do.
    It's like brewing avoidable troubles in the home you're to make.
    Your true self and worth would be known and then what next? Conflicts and arguments.
    So what's the essence? Unless one doesn't mind constant troubles in their lives long as they're married.
    I think it's kinda difficult to believe a lady who earns more would submit to her husband. But her behaviour with him should prove that. Just same way you'd hear a lady say, they're scared of marrying a super rich guy for fear of not listening to nor valuing her opinions.

  5. Isn't it funny that the same men who praise independent women also have a complex and feel insecure around them?

    1. Yes, it's funny, but who's to blame?
      Both men and women like partners who are independent but not independent of them. Everyone wants a partner that has a need for them& would do it in all ways for them too.
      It's a widely known notion that money is the language people speak. Money is the language even love speaks, some say.
      So when a man sees a lady and notices he doesn't have as much as she does, he might just feel he wouldn't be good enough for her.

    2. "Not independent of them"? Really? I remember a post back where an independent lady asked her BF to fix her car and he said no and most peeps here almost ate her raw for asking claiming she's got her own money to he's ur bf not husband etc

    3. Lol. Heaven knows same post came to my mind. Though I didn't leave a comment then, I've never understood the 'he's not your husband so shouldn't...' yada yada talks. Though I feel if she can afford it and he says he can't at the time, she should fix herself.
      There's no one-size-fits-all way to handle male-female relationships, yet certain things are quite staple.
      Most of us want partners who can handle things well in our absence but not independent of us. There's a want/ need to be the one to just give that needed calm or laughter to your partner.
      And in this context; where money is the language, I can see why some men would have doubts when a lady is richer.

  6. True talk. Most men feel insecure around independent women and also blv that successful women, or women dt earns more money than dr men can never be submissive. But the truth is, it all balls down 2 d womans character. I've had a neighbour whose wife is d bread winner and also earns 20x his salary b4, but u can never know. She bought him d car he was using, fuels his car and so on. Infact she is d most respectful woman I've ever known. She respects him privately and publicaly, she practically worships him.
    So it all balls down 2 d womans xter. As 4 mua, I hv no problem with marrying an independent and extremely succesful woman as long as she knows dt I'm d head of d family and respects me. Respect is always d issues in most cases. Women shld always kno that respect is 2 a man as love is 2 a woman.

    *lips sealed and watching*

    1. It balls down to his xter too. Not many men can handle a richer wife while having their egos in check but this post is about an independent unmarried woman as opposed a richer wife

    2. Indipendent unmarried woman o, richer wife o, I'm still going 2 be in a rltnshp with them, so i'm looking @ were all will possibly end which is marriage.can't be thinking of boify/girlfy or short term rltnship @ dz time of my life. Cappish?

  7. If only everyone can just Apply their own part of God's admonition, we wouldn't have such Problems nor Questions...
    #A man should love his wife like his own body, provide for his family, not irritate his children etc.
    #A woman should be submissive to & have DEEP respect for her husband, support her home, etc

    Irrespective of her money, class, fame, her attitude towards her man should show her True stance.
    Irrespective of his money, class or fame, his behavior should reflect his needs & wants.

  8. @Ruth, if de world was dat easy, am sure dis kind issue won't even come up... Truth is more are becoming wealthier by de day.. De soon men accept it de better. As for men, it tink it has a lot to do with ego.. I see no reason y a woman be successful would be problem.. And ladies, abeg try to respect de men, since dats wat de respond to...

  9. I think it is now a crime for a woman to be successful cos that's how i see it. I remember after my youth service days i told mumsy i wanted to stay back in Abjua to get a job and all omo it was a serious issue then; Mumsy said men will run away from you oooo wen you start making money bla bla bla and then there was dis military guy on my case lol but as a strong head warri geh I got a job and since then I had not stopped. In my previous relationship (s) most of the guys see me as arrogant and bossy all cos am working and have my money. But the truth is that I have always been an independent child even at home. I believe money or position of the lady should not be as issue when serious matters like marriage are discussed. My opinion though.

  10. This description of Chioma, reminds me of myself. Except that of course, I'm not too rich (yet). There are so many Chiomas out there. Unfortunately, men are too narrow-minded to see beyond the physical. In the end, both (man n woman) individuals need to have a very good understanding of themselves and be ready to make their marriage work (irrespective of their shortcomings). Being like a Chioma, I'm almost certain I will never lower my standards whatsoever to hitch a man. What shall it profit me? Plus, she will definitely find someone who does better than her in all the 'lly's' like Eniola stated.
    Besides, people (more like men) and their unsatisfactions (sic), u see average babe, average IQ, average pay, average everything, you complain, Now u've seen upscale everything, she's too independent??? which one una want?

  11. Any man/woman that's scared or insecure about how intelligent and rich you are, isn't suppose to have dealings with you in the first place. That's THE sign to not entangle yourself with such person.

  12. You girls don't get it and therein lies the problem! The so called independent women gives out more than those achievements that men sees and run away, it is a big fat lie that men don't want them because of their achievements. I am struggling to write this in a politically correct language. Pardon me if I don't succeed.
    The behavior of a rich, independent but arrogant woman can be likened to that of a slave on the throne; I decided to qualify this so I don't lose my skin! I worked with one like that several years back and she was so difficult to relate with. Like she was fighting the whole world all the time, had excess money and never married even till date. Achieved a whole lot in terms of professionalism but never the kind of woman I would take for free or even with some prize money on her head.

    Girls, it is all about character and I have not seen many indy women with that kind of attitude that would make many men fight themselves over her.

    1. Wale are you suggesting that rich and independent women are all arrogant? Not to take from what you have said but the average nigerian man (sorry to generalize) is threatened by a partner who makes more. You know, "how can your wife "submit" if she's earning much more than you and doesn't need you or need to be dependent on you?" Is the mindset I think most men have.

    2. Most are rude.There are few down to earth accomplished women. That reminds me, Mo was in our office one time, she came straight up without greeting anybody. Like she put on this straight face that my own good morning got stuck in my throat and many more others like her. I'v also seen a fair share of very accomplished men come through the office and they are as courteous as ever.

      A man will not rush in to marry a broke girl that he believes will have an issue submitting, same goes for a rich girl. However I agree that there are insecure guys out there, but who wants to marry an insecure guy anyways.

    3. Exactly anon. With all things being equal xter wise,some men are still insecure around independent women and that's the bone of contention. Some don't even bother to get to know her,they just assume and generalize from afar...

    4. Thelma, your question has been answered above.

      Some guys are sure threatened by accomplished women and they have their reasons whether valid or not. The opinion I earlier provided is the main reason, most of these women can hardly be tolerated by any sane man. A normal woman is a handful and enough work not to talk of heady and overbearing which most of the successful women are.
      I have always been attracted to strong independent women, so are many guys that I know. The funny thing is that whichever way you act in a relationship with such women, you always get criticised that you are insecure.

  13. Let me come from another perspective. I am a lady and I must admit that majority of women let money enter their heads and that can be seen in their attitude. Truth be told, that is what guys (majority)run away from. The Chioma's of the world should wear humility as a cap, good attitude and character will endear "good" men to you whether you have money or not. Most accomplished woman are rude and always want to rub it in people's faces that they are accomplished. You find more woman throwing out "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM" compared to men.

    I don't think "a Chioma" drives "good" men away without a corresponding bad attitude. I keep putting good in quotes cos the men I'm referring to above are not the insecure, ego driven men. Look at Lady bosses in organisations and compare to the male counterpart, I'v met a lot of them and very few are down to earth. If I a lady can see that how much more a man that wants a wife.

    "Chioma" were ile gi guo eze gi onu ma duo onwe gi odu. J

    1. Best comment so far, and it came from a lady!

  14. As an accomplished lady, u need 2 personalities. 1 is for underlings, esp when being insurbodinate. The other is for people u do not feed. You smile engagingly at those equal to or not as accomplished as u. Why? It makes the money u spent on make up worth it. Give ppl d benefit of your pleasant nature. That way, when u have to unsheath your claws, no one would have seen it coming. Also, there will be ppl ready to defend u that u are usually nice n this is an exception. Dr. N

  15. Ok ok ok. Lemme weigh in on this issue. I dont believe the problem is with independence, it is the perceived arrogance that can creep up. Many times we let our success get to our heads. The problem with this in a marriage is that, part of what makes a man a husband is his usefulness in your life as a woman. If you don't need him, or you are quick to tell him you don't need him, the relationship will suffer. My husband met me living in my own apartment in VI. I was not coy about my previous salary or employment to remove doubt of the runz stereotype. He owned an apartment too in ikoyi, irony we both agreed to move into a rented apartment. Both collected our rents, but my husband pays our current rent etc. To him that is his role, i will not upstage him. The potential to get impatient and want to do things for ourselves leaves well intentioned men confused.
    So its not independence per say, its the humility that folks can easily lose when money comes rolling in. Let's face it, to have a healthy relationship, arrogance or the perception of its presence is not welcome.

  16. Let's not always play the character card when independent women are concerned cos I've seen some pretty rude/loud/indisciined ladies who barely survive on their own.
    Its the genuine fears that mothers have when their daughhter wants to live alone or buy her own car that it wld "chase men away" even when she knows she raised a good child, I wld like to understand

    1. It is easier to deal with a rude, loud woman that can barely survive on her own; you know why? Such women make it very easy to have a good laugh, you always wonder if they have brains at all.
      The fears from the mothers are not valid these days, many of them are stuck in the past and it will take some time for this kind of belief to die out.


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