Skip to main content

Dumb Down Yourself, Play Down Your Success If You Want That Ring.







Once again, last night I thought about Chioma after a guy made an unsavory comment about her.  She's a very brilliant lady, and beautiful too, yet everytime her name comes up in a conversation with a man it's always as if you just put lime in his mouth as his face becomes contorted and he says (they all say) "I wonder if she'll ever find someone to marry her". 


I've often asked why and the reason is always this: Chioma who's in her early to mid 30s is a strong woman. Too strong. She takes no prisoners, cuts out the BS, is smart as a whip and has little or no patience for a man who doesn't measure up intellectually AND then the biggest issue of them all; she's too independent, too rich. 

According to them, not only are Chioma's parents very well off, her salary and allowances are just too much for a woman her age. Will such a person ever listen or submit to her man, they wonder. 

What I can take from this is that women like Chioma may need to dumb themselves down a bit, if they want to snag a ring. They'd need to play down their intelligence and also 'learn' patience. Then comes the most important part; tone down the 'excesses'; don't go on dates with men in your super expensive car which you bought yourself from your hard earned income, don't tell men that the house you live in actually belongs to you and you've already made some down payments on another property you're looking to buy, take off you're Piaget wristwatch and put on the Next when you're going to see him, let him win arguments even though you're itching to point out the flaws in his line of reasoning.... All because your independence, intellect and wealth may be your greatest undoing if you hope to get him to put a ring on it. 

Some years back I read comments on a post on Bella Naija and maybe I was too young to understand or believe, to me it seemed like such hilarity; a few ladies admitted to lying about where they lived because their real homes would scare men away, some said the minute their men learnt they were property owners they took a walk, some said they own(ed) cars but when going out or on dates they would take taxis in order not to scare men away, and all sorts. I remember when my sister wanted to move out of our parents' home several years ago. My mum was so worried because "no man will want to marry a single woman living on her own, especially in a house that is in an upscale part of town...", she was worried my sister would scare prospective suitors away. 

I've often heard that some men are threatened by very successful women, it's not a novel concept. But what are women like Chioma to do? Is it so difficult to believe that a strong successful woman can still love and respect you as her husband? What happens when a women is forced to dumb herself down and pretend that she's less than who she is before the marriage and then shows her 'true colours' afterwards? Is it true that once a woman earns more than her man she can never 'submit'?



Photo source: bethelkeloo.com

Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  2. On your mums' fears when your sister wanted to move out to get her own apartment. I'm in those shoes now. My mum will not even smell it. It was war before she agreed that I buy my car. Now, 70% of the day, I'm immersed in the thought of ''if only I had my own apartment''.
    About Chioma having to play dumb, I do not agree, I'm sure there are men out there who would out-do her intellectually, financially and every other ''lly's'' that there may be.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ok I’m going to generalize here:

    1) When men make money they think primarily of their families; women think primarily of themselves.
    2) Men reluctantly receive money from women; women readily receive money from men.
    3) Men who are breadwinners are less emotional when handling home affairs; women who are breadwinners are more emotional and this often clouds their judgment.
    4) Men who are breadwinners are usually major losers when they divorce their wives, whereas the reverse is the case for women.

    Ofcourse there are exceptions, but so far these are a few general instances that can explain why most men cringe at the sight of successful women. It’s a worldwide *epidemic*.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes generalisations. And mind you no woman is born with the stingy gene. It is how the world operated before we were born. But some women are breaking the limits set for them by the society.
      It's a sad thing.
      All I can tell Chioma is to be herself. If she is really a loving person then someone is going to love her.

      Delete
    2. Yes generalisations. And mind you no woman is born with the stingy gene. It is how the world operated before we were born. But some women are breaking the limits set for them by the society.
      It's a sad thing.
      All I can tell Chioma is to be herself. If she is really a loving person then someone is going to love her.

      Delete
  4. To me, pretending to be less than who you are just to snag a ring is the last thing I'd advise anyone to do.
    It's like brewing avoidable troubles in the home you're to make.
    Your true self and worth would be known and then what next? Conflicts and arguments.
    So what's the essence? Unless one doesn't mind constant troubles in their lives anyway...as long as they're married.
    I think it's kinda difficult to believe a lady who earns more would submit to her husband. But her behaviour with him should prove that. Just same way you'd hear a lady say, they're scared of marrying a super rich guy for fear of not listening to nor valuing her opinions.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Isn't it funny that the same men who praise independent women also have a complex and feel insecure around them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's funny, but who's to blame?
      Both men and women like partners who are independent but not independent of them. Everyone wants a partner that has a need for them& would do it in all ways for them too.
      It's a widely known notion that money is the language people speak. Money is the language even love speaks, some say.
      So when a man sees a lady and notices he doesn't have as much as she does, he might just feel he wouldn't be good enough for her.

      Delete
    2. "Not independent of them"? Really? I remember a post back where an independent lady asked her BF to fix her car and he said no and most peeps here almost ate her raw for asking claiming she's got her own money to he's ur bf not husband etc

      Delete
    3. Lol. Heaven knows same post came to my mind. Though I didn't leave a comment then, I've never understood the 'he's not your husband so shouldn't...' yada yada talks. Though I feel if she can afford it and he says he can't at the time, she should fix herself.
      There's no one-size-fits-all way to handle male-female relationships, yet certain things are quite staple.
      Most of us want partners who can handle things well in our absence but not independent of us. There's a want/ need to be the one to just give that needed calm or laughter to your partner.
      And in this context; where money is the language, I can see why some men would have doubts when a lady is richer.

      Delete
  6. True talk. Most men feel insecure around independent women and also blv that successful women, or women dt earns more money than dr men can never be submissive. But the truth is, it all balls down 2 d womans character. I've had a neighbour whose wife is d bread winner and also earns 20x his salary b4, but u can never know. She bought him d car he was using, fuels his car and so on. Infact she is d most respectful woman I've ever known. She respects him privately and publicaly, she practically worships him.
    So it all balls down 2 d womans xter. As 4 mua, I hv no problem with marrying an independent and extremely succesful woman as long as she knows dt I'm d head of d family and respects me. Respect is always d issues in most cases. Women shld always kno that respect is 2 a man as love is 2 a woman.




    *lips sealed and watching*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It balls down to his xter too. Not many men can handle a richer wife while having their egos in check but this post is about an independent unmarried woman as opposed a richer wife

      Delete
    2. Indipendent unmarried woman o, richer wife o, I'm still going 2 be in a rltnshp with them, so i'm looking @ were all will possibly end which is marriage.can't be thinking of boify/girlfy or short term rltnship @ dz time of my life. Cappish?

      Delete
  7. If only everyone can just Apply their own part of God's admonition, we wouldn't have such Problems nor Questions...
    #A man should love his wife like his own body, provide for his family, not irritate his children etc.
    #A woman should be submissive to & have DEEP respect for her husband, support her home, etc

    Irrespective of her money, class, fame, her attitude towards her man should show her True stance.
    Irrespective of his money, class or fame, his behavior should reflect his needs & wants.
    EOD.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Ruth, if de world was dat easy, am sure dis kind issue won't even come up... Truth is more are becoming wealthier by de day.. De soon men accept it de better. As for men, it tink it has a lot to do with ego.. I see no reason y a woman be successful would be problem.. And ladies, abeg try to respect de men, since dats wat de respond to...
    ozavize

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think it is now a crime for a woman to be successful cos that's how i see it. I remember after my youth service days i told mumsy i wanted to stay back in Abjua to get a job and all omo it was a serious issue then; Mumsy said men will run away from you oooo wen you start making money bla bla bla and then there was dis military guy on my case lol but as a strong head warri geh I got a job and since then I had not stopped. In my previous relationship (s) most of the guys see me as arrogant and bossy all cos am working and have my money. But the truth is that I have always been an independent child even at home. I believe money or position of the lady should not be as issue when serious matters like marriage are discussed. My opinion though.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This description of Chioma, reminds me of myself. Except that of course, I'm not too rich (yet). There are so many Chiomas out there. Unfortunately, men are too narrow-minded to see beyond the physical. In the end, both (man n woman) individuals need to have a very good understanding of themselves and be ready to make their marriage work (irrespective of their shortcomings). Being like a Chioma, I'm almost certain I will never lower my standards whatsoever to hitch a man. What shall it profit me? Plus, she will definitely find someone who does better than her in all the 'lly's' like Eniola stated.
    Besides, people (more like men) and their unsatisfactions (sic), u see average babe, average IQ, average pay, average everything, you complain, Now u've seen upscale everything, she's too independent??? which one una want?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Any man/woman that's scared or insecure about how intelligent and rich you are, isn't suppose to have dealings with you in the first place. That's THE sign to not entangle yourself with such person.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You girls don't get it and therein lies the problem! The so called independent women gives out more than those achievements that men sees and run away, it is a big fat lie that men don't want them because of their achievements. I am struggling to write this in a politically correct language. Pardon me if I don't succeed.
    The behavior of a rich, independent but arrogant woman can be likened to that of a slave on the throne; I decided to qualify this so I don't lose my skin! I worked with one like that several years back and she was so difficult to relate with. Like she was fighting the whole world all the time, had excess money and never married even till date. Achieved a whole lot in terms of professionalism but never the kind of woman I would take for free or even with some prize money on her head.

    Girls, it is all about character and I have not seen many indy women with that kind of attitude that would make many men fight themselves over her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wale are you suggesting that rich and independent women are all arrogant? Not to take from what you have said but the average nigerian man (sorry to generalize) is threatened by a partner who makes more. You know, "how can your wife "submit" if she's earning much more than you and doesn't need you or need to be dependent on you?" Is the mindset I think most men have.

      Delete
    2. Most are rude.There are few down to earth accomplished women. That reminds me, Mo was in our office one time, she came straight up without greeting anybody. Like she put on this straight face that my own good morning got stuck in my throat and many more others like her. I'v also seen a fair share of very accomplished men come through the office and they are as courteous as ever.

      A man will not rush in to marry a broke girl that he believes will have an issue submitting, same goes for a rich girl. However I agree that there are insecure guys out there, but who wants to marry an insecure guy anyways.

      Delete
    3. Exactly anon. With all things being equal xter wise,some men are still insecure around independent women and that's the bone of contention. Some don't even bother to get to know her,they just assume and generalize from afar...

      Delete
    4. Thelma, your question has been answered above.

      Some guys are sure threatened by accomplished women and they have their reasons whether valid or not. The opinion I earlier provided is the main reason, most of these women can hardly be tolerated by any sane man. A normal woman is a handful and enough work not to talk of heady and overbearing which most of the successful women are.
      I have always been attracted to strong independent women, so are many guys that I know. The funny thing is that whichever way you act in a relationship with such women, you always get criticised that you are insecure.

      Delete
  13. Let me come from another perspective. I am a lady and I must admit that majority of women let money enter their heads and that can be seen in their attitude. Truth be told, that is what guys (majority)run away from. The Chioma's of the world should wear humility as a cap, good attitude and character will endear "good" men to you whether you have money or not. Most accomplished woman are rude and always want to rub it in people's faces that they are accomplished. You find more woman throwing out "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM" compared to men.

    I don't think "a Chioma" drives "good" men away without a corresponding bad attitude. I keep putting good in quotes cos the men I'm referring to above are not the insecure, ego driven men. Look at Lady bosses in organisations and compare to the male counterpart, I'v met a lot of them and very few are down to earth. If I a lady can see that how much more a man that wants a wife.

    "Chioma" were ile gi guo eze gi onu ma duo onwe gi odu. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best comment so far, and it came from a lady!

      Delete
  14. As an accomplished lady, u need 2 personalities. 1 is for underlings, esp when being insurbodinate. The other is for people u do not feed. You smile engagingly at those equal to or not as accomplished as u. Why? It makes the money u spent on make up worth it. Give ppl d benefit of your pleasant nature. That way, when u have to unsheath your claws, no one would have seen it coming. Also, there will be ppl ready to defend u that u are usually nice n this is an exception. Dr. N

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ok ok ok. Lemme weigh in on this issue. I dont believe the problem is with independence, it is the perceived arrogance that can creep up. Many times we let our success get to our heads. The problem with this in a marriage is that, part of what makes a man a husband is his usefulness in your life as a woman. If you don't need him, or you are quick to tell him you don't need him, the relationship will suffer. My husband met me living in my own apartment in VI. I was not coy about my previous salary or employment to remove doubt of the runz stereotype. He owned an apartment too in ikoyi, irony we both agreed to move into a rented apartment. Both collected our rents, but my husband pays our current rent etc. To him that is his role, i will not upstage him. The potential to get impatient and want to do things for ourselves leaves well intentioned men confused.
    So its not independence per say, its the humility that folks can easily lose when money comes rolling in. Let's face it, to have a healthy relationship, arrogance or the perception of its presence is not welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Let's not always play the character card when independent women are concerned cos I've seen some pretty rude/loud/indisciined ladies who barely survive on their own.
    Its the genuine fears that mothers have when their daughhter wants to live alone or buy her own car that it wld "chase men away" even when she knows she raised a good child, I wld like to understand

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is easier to deal with a rude, loud woman that can barely survive on her own; you know why? Such women make it very easy to have a good laugh, you always wonder if they have brains at all.
      The fears from the mothers are not valid these days, many of them are stuck in the past and it will take some time for this kind of belief to die out.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

***
This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…

#WriteRight. VIVIAN: MY FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYFRIEND

He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
Kai!
See how you are serious dey read this story....!
My…

...

Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...

THE ‘NEW’ SIDE CHICK: I WAS HER

A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…

Shhhhhhh....

I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa

Giveaway Finale!

Happy Sunday y'all. 
This is the conclusive part of #WCG. 
All the N25,000 recipients have received their cash.
All the students have also received their N10,000. 
Once again guys please comment under any of the posts, or this one that you've received your money. Thanks. 

So moving forward, this final giveaway contains 
1. N10,000 for 5 people. 

2. 3 kimonos from Julian's dressmakers. 
3. 3 pairs of Palm slippers from WaleOnibata. (Gents) 
4. 2 pairs of shoes from Courtney's Closet. (Ladies. Size 9 and Size 11). 

5. 1 human hair wig from Gabby's Wigs'n'Weaves. You pick from one of the wigs below. 
6. 3 cakes from CakesandCream 

7. A getaway at CitiHeight Hotel Ikeja for 3 people. (Who can each bring one person along).  


As I said earlier, Kon has already won a stay at CitiHeight and Clare, a kimono. So those gifts are now available for 2 people each. 
There is no competition. We are only going to play a game. 
I have each gift item listed out in numbers. Number 1 to 100. …