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Love, Marriage & The Baby Carriage...

Is that all there is to life for a woman?





I've had this conversation time and time again with myself and other willing partcipants. It's something that's been demanded of me once before and one that I cannot fail to notice happens all around me. 

A few months back I got a call from a very old friend, we hadn't spoken or seen in years and he just found my number. When I told him I'm still in Lagos, working and single he seemed happy, a bit too happy. Here's why; he's actually married, works with Shell and has a kid, his wife works with another of the Multinational oil companies. He told me there used to be this lady in his estate, back then she was the chic all the guys in the estate used to 'run mad' over, and then she wasn't only hot, she was also very brilliant, used to earn really well and drove an eye-catching red Camry. Fast forward a few years later he ran into her at the Port Harcourt airport and if she had not called out to him he wouldn't have recognized her. To cut short the story she's just no longer the girl he used to know. He asked what she had been up to and she said after she got married she had to pack up, quit her job and move down to Bayelsa where hubby lives, and then the babies started coming one after the other. And that's her life now right now. 

He said he was greatly disappointed, she was one of the few girls in the estate that had a bright future, one of those that people saw doing big things, and now this? He said in his career he had seen so many brilliant women; colleagues and classmates, even more brilliant and promising that some of their male counterparts, but in no time marriage and the baby carriage beckoned and that was it, that all was. 

Seeing this question sent in by a reader on Laila's blog  reminded me of this conversation and I need to ask you guys. 

"should a woman sacrifice her dreams for her marriage to succeed? Many women have abandoned their personal dreams, ambition, some wives are basically being accessories to their husbands. Do you think this is okay?"


A few women are able to balance it out and have a bit of both worlds, but only a few. I understand that some willingly give up other dreams they might have had and are women are stay-at-home mums by choice, l also know that so many working mums would like to be stay-at-home mums so they can raise their kids and look after their homes themselves, unfortunately that's not feasible for financial reasons. 


Yet what about those who actually have other dreams, ambitions and other purpose. What about those ones who have to give up everything and sacrifice their dreams on the alter of 'love, marriage and the baby carriage'? Is this ok? What are your thoughts generally? Do you think it's actually worth it and there's more fulfillment in doing this? Do you believe this is actually the way it's supposed to be?



Comments

  1. My Plan is to align my dream with my future family. I'm going to have the best of both worlds. My Passion/career will even increase my future home in all ramifications... Time, Cash, etc
    Only a Few like U rightly said T, can achieve this.
    The rest just have to have their priorities straightened out & pursue it. Career or Home? Choose & learn to be Happy with ur choice...

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a thing of choice in d sense that most women prefer to get a biz doing and av time to take care of the home while some prefer to go.through the stress of juggling through marriage,kids n their job. Thelms to b sincere,it's not easy being a working class lady and also married,I have friends in this position and I know what dey go through,except for those who have house help. Personally,I don't buy d idea of leaving little kids in the hands of nannies or maids,it's terrible only God can see those kids through because some of this nannies or maids are either wicked,possessed or practising sexual stuffs with dis kids. I don't mind sacrificing my job for a few years just to make my marriage and kids better and then maybe go back to it a few years later when the kids are grown or better still establish something I could keep body and soul together with. Funny thing is am not a biz oriented person neither am I interested in any. GOD help me to cross the bridge when I get there

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I grew up with nannies and maids and I turned out just fine so its not "terrible"

      Delete
    2. @anon 7.23pm d fact dat u turned out to be just fine doesnt mean dat these maids or annnies dont abuse kids... I can almost say u are just part of the 10% exceptions that grew up fine without any abuse or molestation by dose maids/caregivers. I guess u misconstrued what mabel opara sandra said.... @mabel... I align myself with this position! U are right.

      Delete
  3. Love, Marriage, The Baby Carriage. The title seems kinda one sided. Love and Marriage takes two (or more for Solo.INC), but how come when it gets to Baby carriage the woman is portrayed or perceived as some kind of slave? What about the support for this carriage? Is it now a walk-in-the-park acquiring it?

    When my sister started working in the bank she left home by 5am and got home by 9:30pm, sometimes even as late as 11pm. I tried persuading her to quit this job and look for another but she was adamant about the bank job. I let it be. 3years later she's now a mother of two soldiers. I recently reminded her of how she was so taken by a job that consumes 3/4 of her day. She sheepishly smiled and said nothing.

    I'm not saying it's a crime or inappropriate for women to be career driven, but while aiming at that the most important thing has to be put in perspective: your family. I remember a post where I generalized by saying women think mostly of themselves when they make money. That's why, albeit unconsciously, most mothers decline to chase their dream careers and let their husbands be the adequate support. It's easier for a woman to remain single and aim at being the boss lady, than for her being married and doing the same. Kids suffer inwardly with the latter because they're closer to their mothers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Now I'll ask this Q that has been bugging me too. Shld ones dream be money-related? Can a womans dream be to be the best mom and wife to her kids and hubby?
    Well I don't think a woman shldnt get her hair done or nails fixed or go shopping simply cos ur now a mum. Motherhood isn't a jail sentence from reality...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sasha, that was my dream, to be the best wife and mother in the world.
      Reality jolted me back to life, as a housewife for 5 years in order to watch the kids grow, I almost lost my self confidence, Im eternally grateful to my boo who made sure I never lacked however I could not do anything for my folks and it sucked being the first girl.I watched my mates acquire stuff moving up the ladder( I actually trained for O&G) so imagine how sad I felt when boo and I were struggling.My dear its not easy, it became so bad wherever I went people kept reiterating how intelligent I was but wasting away( even boo used to say that too).Motherhood was really fulfilling until the kids started school and boo and the kids will leave home at 8am and Ill be by myself in the house for hours on end and It led to serious depression.
      If theres a way to achieve balance Ill say go for it, however its not easy.
      Today, I do not miss being a stay at home mom, Im more confident, more independent and overall happier.I just miss all the time I had pampering myself, shopping, spa dates, salons etc.

      Delete
    2. HSF, thanks. Great comment that I hope people will learn from.

      Delete
  5. Before I say sometin, may I ask dis.. Is staying at home to take care of de kids a guaranty, dat de kids will turn out great, or is it one of de tinz we'v come to believe, cos dats wat de society expect of a woman? Pls somebody, make me understand...
    Ozavize

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think it's a guarantee. I think the idea is making yourself available to be there for the kids whenever they need you, and you also being present enough in their lives to understand their concerns, interests, challenges and aspirations. From that understanding, you can do your best to mold them, support them, encourage them, or dissuade them as you deem fit.
      But at the end of the day, the Bible says hat unless The Lord watches over a city, the watchmen labour in vain.

      Delete
  6. Ozavize staying home doesn't guarantee dat d kids would turnout hundred percent well but do u know what it.means for a child to have something bugging him or her and not find either the mother or father to share it with?do u know how terrible it is for a mother not to know what her kids are going through?no one is u shud b a full house wife but all I am advocating for is do not be consumed by ur job n forgetting u have a family who needs you,dats my point. Most working class ladies of dese days don't have time for their home I bet u.used to have dis friend who got molested at age 3 by her nannies son,this babe grew being fondled by the nannies son and guess what?tis same nannies son deflowered her and when her mum found out,the damage was already done. The world we live in isn't friendly so def,we should be careful and take precautions.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This issue is something I have seen happen to people around me....for me though I feel its important to find a balance and plan even before marriage. You and ur SO should agree on how many kids you want to have, the years of spacing, the reasons you want to have the kids that way...by this I mean maybe for career pursuits or financial stability etc because I have friends...as in close friends who are graduates....were working and holding up in their careers....got married..I must add that their hubbies are not financially stable.and they are now telling me they are thinking of leaving their job to start 'one business' ...because e no easy! Raising a child is not easy at all...but I just feel before you bring them into the world at least let them meet a good functioning structure that will make them comfortable and also help your own marriage too otherwise...you and your SO go turn craze people for house and all the smooching and cuddling will just vanish! For your own career as a woman/man try and make sure you dont throw it away. You also have a destiny to fulfill.....you got here(earth) first...and even God expects you to impact the world. I usually say it dat no matter how BLESSED/RICH my man is I must do something that gives me joy but I won't do it at the expense of my marriage or my children....#JoyDaNuGirl

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello everyone, am new on the blog and this is my first comment.

    I don't think a woman should be made to sacrifice her dreams except if its her decision. There is more to a woman's life than been a wife or a mother. We all have dreams and that's one of the things that makes us human. One of the essence of marriage is for the couple to assist each other in fulfilling their potentials in life.

    I have seen so many career women raising great kids, its left to the woman to know how to balance her home and work.

    To me a happy woman makes a happy home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello April. You're so welcome! Please keep the comments coming, that's what makes the house rock. God bless...

      Delete
  9. I think its a personal opinion and individual decision. The key point is the ability to balance both work and family effectively which is only by Gods grace. Yes back in the days some of us grew up with nannies,uncles,aunties and grandparents who were always there and some did not. It also depends on the environment you live in too. For instance, in the UK childcare is expensive,i have a friend who recently had a baby, she earns about 1100 a month and putting the child in daycare/nursery will cost her 900 per month. Now please are there not other bills to pay in the house? Wont the child eat? So if she looks at the cost,switching to part time work so she is able to stay at home on some days and take care of d child seems suitable for her. So thelma, yes women do give up their career sometimes for their kids and family but it varies and depends on your situation.

    ReplyDelete
  10. comments here have definitely changed my perspective on this. ..Thank you all

    Oladale

    ReplyDelete

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