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Miss Optimistic or Miss Delusional. When Should One Quit Hoping In HisPotential?





 I really need to talk about this guys, it has become personal!
This week we've talked about men having potential and all but I've got some thoughts and questions to ask. It seems so many friends of mine and I seem to be encountering this issue a lot these days. We all know we should not despise the days of humble beginnings and all, we all know that a man with potential is more valuable than a man with (unearned) riches, we all know that it's better to grow together than to move your bags and baggages into the home of a 'ready made' man, BUT when does a woman stop banking on "potential", isn't there an age a man reaches where he should have already begun to yield from his potential?

My neighbour *Tosin is dating a man in his late 30s, about 38, and while he might have some "potential" he is yet to show any signs of yielding fruit. *Ngozi's boo is 37, he is a hustler and struggles to make ends meet. No, he's not lazy but things just haven't kicked in yet. Ngozi has other suitors, she doesn't know if there's any wisdom in hoping an almost 40yr old man will still "make it" or if she should pitch her tent with one of her more comfortable suitors. Yours Truly has a "suitor", he's in his early 30s, no job, no businesses and no visible change in sight. In truth he does have money; daddy's money, plus properties which daddy has handed over to him but minus daddy he is ZERO. He has plans and all but if nothing has kicked in yet, what are the chances of them kicking in soon?
      Several young ladies have asked me this question, and all in the past few weeks (I wonder why). If a man hasn't made is by so so and so age, what are the chances that he will still make it?


I guess what I'm trying to ask is this; is there an expiry date on a man's potential? Should there be an expiry date in a woman banking on a man's potential? Is there an age a man gets to where you can safely say (without God's greatest divine intervention) if he hasn't made it by now, he may never make it?

Talk to me guys. When does a woman cross the line from optimistic to delusional in her faith in her man's potential? 

Comments

  1. Personally *In Psquare's voice*
    If I'm 20yrs old or below, I could give a man nothing more than 5yrs of my life to do the whole starting from the bottom now we are here ish. I wouldn't care how old he is. But he should have to be dogged enough to make it during this period cos Life is too short.
    But if I'm 25yrs old & above, I will NOT do that potential shit, irrespective of his age. I need a made man at that age, someone who'll marry me & take care of our home & kids (with MY assistance of course). For a man to be MADE at that point means he has harnessed his potential, we can keep soaring higher!!!

    #PickingMyTeeth

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like ur POV Ruthylicious but when you get older you'll see that things are not so black and white. A guy that hasn't found his footing in his late 30s is a flight risk IMHO.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You folks have redefined relationship/marriage so much I am confused sometimes. How do you set a target on something that is not really within the control of the man! Is there any guy out there that feels comfortable with peanuts? I have learnt to not call my mates lazy simply because I am ahead of them!
    No! You don't quit hoping, Eccl 9:11 says "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all".

    I don't mean that success is some sort of gambling but if you are doing God's will and diligent in your ways, you have the assurance of success as defined by God not by man.

    Nigeria is not an easy country, sometimes I wonder how people survive here. The best you can do is pray and work hard, giving support to each other so you can ride the wave together.

    By the way, I was the dude without potential back then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for this comment Wale.
      I honestly just seek out people here whose opinions resonate with mine and simply concur as I really lack the energy to do much these days.
      Lots of hugs T.

      Delete
    2. Many many hugs Hun. I've been meaning to reach you, glad to know you're good. You'll get your energy back soon and then we can have you do more than just concur, but I can wait. Lol.

      Wale I understand your sentiments completely, but when one is faced with certain decisions, especially when you have witnessed first hand what it means to lack, and also witnessed first hand a man (father/brother/ex) unable to cater for his family (which the same Bible describes as being worse than an infidel) then you'd want to be very careful when making certain decisions.
      The reason people ask these questions is actually because they love and have faith in their men's abilities and potential but it gets to a point when one begins to wonder if she's doing the right thing, and that's where this post comes in.

      Delete
    3. worse than an Imbecile*

      Delete
  4. Hmmmmmmmmm. Wale made some real sense here so.lips sealed

    ReplyDelete
  5. How about a Husband that was Jobless for 6years,(a complete house-husband) Fed n take cared of by the wife's Job alone. But today, he's one of the Top3 most sought after Hollywood Director (he's Chinese btw) Today. He has won 2 Academy awards for best Director. FYI only one other director has two best director award, Steven Spielberg. His name is Ang Lee (Broke Back mountain, Life of Pi, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon).
    I don't think the Wife saw an Expiry date to His Potential, Why should you (esp. Wen u both love/support each other)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's in oyibo land. I think this has to do with folks in the shores of naija.

      Delete
    2. Our love here is conditional my dear.

      Delete
    3. lol... conditional love kwa? thought I'd heard it all...

      Delete
  6. In addition to Wale's comment, there is no 100% guarantee that potentials shall materialise to mega money. There r ppl who have worked equally hard,prayed well, obtained the qualifications but still struggle .If you see a potential in a Man take the risk and pray God blesses him. There is no certainty in these things. Same way you can meet a made man and 1 year after wedding the money goes and you struggle all through marriage. Take the risk, then pray and hope for the best. Potential to me is like a fertile land which will lead to germination if God drops his seed(blessing) on it. Be sure your land is fertile and pray for the seed to fall on it. J

    ReplyDelete
  7. In addition to Wale's comment, there is no 100% guarantee that potentials shall materialise to mega money. There r ppl who have worked equally hard,prayed well, obtained the qualifications but still struggle .If you see a potential in a Man take the risk and pray God blesses him. There is no certainty in these things. Same way you can meet a made man and 1 year after wedding the money goes and you struggle all through marriage. Take the risk, then pray and hope for the best. Potential to me is like a fertile land which will lead to germination if God drops his seed(blessing) on it. Be sure your land is fertile and pray for the seed to fall on it. J

    ReplyDelete
  8. To answer your question Thelma, there's no expiry date on a man's potential.(lol @ expiry date)
    At 25, 30, 37, 38, 40 even 50.(TIME and CHANCE) a man's potential can yield bountiful fruits!
    I know a couple... The wife is a nurse. When they got married... it was so bad... The man had no job... He said at some point when he was tired of looking for unavailable jobs and sitting at home doing nothing... he'll go into the bush.. refine sticks, sharpen them, and make them into toothpicks. he'll then sell them in traffic(Ridiculous!!!*that was the first thing that came to my mind*)... but he kept on... he landed his present Job unexpectedly(might I add miraculously) now he and his wife are really comfortable. My point is... i'm sure at some point his wife must have felt she made a big mistake, the potential is not yielding fruit et al... but eventually... the story changed and they are happy and comfortable. Like Wale said.."the race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong... TIME and CHANCE happeneth to them all.
    And no there shouldn't be an expiry date in a woman banking on a man's potential.
    All I can say is.. the good Lord should bless the work of our hands and make our hopes and dreams come true.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I sing again: "to be a man is not a days job"

    ReplyDelete
  10. And also pray that when the man's potential is fully realised, he remembers all what you have gone through with him in the waiting period. Some have been known to suddenly become something else when things work out okay. The yorubas have a proverb that basically means when one has no money, its someone else's character they exhibit, but the true test of one's character is when there is money in hand. Just saying. OJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As if you read my mind OJ. Just read a message a few minutes ago. Bf had been broke and unemployed for years, she prayed, fasted, even as a student she did business just to raise capital for his own business, struggled with him for 5 years. In June he finally got a job after 5 years, in July p he received his first salary and immediately broke up with her. In his words; I never promised you marriage.
      The lady is so distraught, devastated and almost suicidal. I really wish I could post her story on the blog but I have no permission.
      Oh well, I'm off to bed.
      Kisses.

      Delete
  11. Truth is money cannot buy happiness neither can it buy peace, anyone can be rich today n then go broke tomorrow and vice versa, i ve seen former ministers, senators, reps members broke, these wr people that used to swim in millions. What i look out for in a man is Integrity, humility and love, if u ve these 3, u ll be happy living in a hut. My Fiance is 29, he is not as rich as some other suitors i had, but i ll choose him over n over again, a friend advised me to marry some other guy, dude is very rich, has properties in Abuja, Lagos n all over(he is divorced too), but he is not humble and that killed my interest. However i wont advise anyone to marry a lazy man cos thats what is frustrating not the poverty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I share your sentiments. I had a mega rich suitor but his attitude stank for miles. He belittled my job and accomplishments because in his own words he had more to offer me.

      Delete
  12. I guess you really just never know. Sometimes you think you see the potential but it never materialises, other times you marry a made man and along the line, he loses it all. I think the quality to look for is hardwork,humility and someone that dosent lie to himself (that is true to himself and not living in dream land), why I said this is because I know of someone who was reasonably comfortable when he got married, along the line he lost everything, they now live on his wife's meagre teacher's salary, they've sold everything down to their standing fan, his wife's relations pay their child's school fees, someone got the man a job in Nigerian Breweries and he said he can't work there that he's a Christian* hian!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Like u said Thelma, after thhe waiting period with a struggling man, once things begin to look good for him, he. Simply forgets thee role u played. Na that time ur leg go be bow leg, he will see the flaws that poverty didn't make him see before. I can count so many cases of guys who ended up disappointing the women that struggled with them, a woman who stayed till a certain age.

    My dear society will not be fair to you when at a certain age you can't have kids all because you want to weather the storm with a guy. I did it when I was in my twenties, I tried, encouraged and did all I could but when at 29 I didn't see major difference I started looking at other suitors o. Now I'm married to someone else, and five years after thhings haven't really changed much for the ex-lee boo. I didn't end up marrying a dangote but I settled for something more stable and with great potentials.

    Let no one deceive us the struggle is every whr, in a made man's house u will alsoe have issues to worry about. U must first love urself enough to know what u can bear or tolerate. I am so glad I left Lee boo. Love isn't enough sometimes. C.E.O

    ReplyDelete
  14. Like u said Thelma, after thhe waiting period with a struggling man, once things begin to look good for him, he. Simply forgets thee role u played. Na that time ur leg go be bow leg, he will see the flaws that poverty didn't make him see before. I can count so many cases of guys who ended up disappointing the women that struggled with them, a woman who stayed till a certain age.

    My dear society will not be fair to you when at a certain age you can't have kids all because you want to weather the storm with a guy. I did it when I was in my twenties, I tried, encouraged and did all I could but when at 29 I didn't see major difference I started looking at other suitors o. Now I'm married to someone else, and five years after thhings haven't really changed much for the ex-lee boo. I didn't end up marrying a dangote but I settled for something more stable and with great potentials.

    Let no one deceive us the struggle is every whr, in a made man's house u will alsoe have issues to worry about. U must first love urself enough to know what u can bear or tolerate. I am so glad I left Lee boo. Love isn't enough sometimes. C.E.O

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Few thoughts...
      - Even a guy you didn't ride the wave with can dump you, I think they do a whole lot of dumping.
      - Women also dumps men, for a variety of reasons and there is nothing wrong with it.
      - Except for very few people, we all did not marry the first person we dated; meaning we dumped them or they dumped us!
      - Marrying a made man is no guarantee of future financial security. You will know God doesn't have a tribal mark the day you get a Job treatment.
      - Your ex-le boo is not condemned, it is not written that he won't have a breakthrough tomorrow. God will never give up on us.
      - Love isn't enough so also is money or potentials, what is enough is a combination of factors covered by the grace of God.
      - Marriage is deep and not just about living together, every single person must choose their future partners carefully and prayerfully.
      Hopefully, nobody get deceived here; we are all sharing ideas and learning from each other.

      Delete
  15. A real life case study: I started dating my (ex) hubby when he was in his mid 30s. He was living in a room-and-palour apartment in a house owned by his mum;his job wasn't paying your regular fantastic salary and he had a black-and-white tv. Fastforward to a few years later, he lives in his own duplex with properties in at least 2 states-Lagos inclusive. He can afford to buy anything money can buy now and dines with the high and mighty. In fact, if I considered his financial strength, I wouldn't walk away from the marriage.

    Lesson is just like Wale said, you cannot put an age limit to this thing as there are a lot of external factors beyond our limit which control men's ability to acquire material wealth.

    In another sense, I've seen men who started well but ended up battered. That's life.

    We need to look beyond now and allow God direct us.

    Potentials shouldn't be limited to him acquiring riches at a set time or date. Thry should rather extend to a man's qualities. Is he the type who is comfortable with where he is or the type who deploys every skill, ability and strength into ensuring actual comfort for him and his family? Once this can be effectively answered, a lady may take a decision.

    Meanwhile, we must wake up to the reality that greater financial capability can be placed in the hands of either party.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  16. thelma, can you please come in here............ plus properties which daddy has handed over
    to him. Of whose business is whether he got properties by himself or by inheritance? It's his, it's his sefini.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's just something extremely unappealing about a man (or person generally) who is very comfortable living off someone else's money, daddy's own or otherwise. At least find a way to double what daddy has given you. What happens if by some happenstance you/we one day run out of money (even properties may one day all be sold off and the monies spent and exhausted)? Then I'll be left with a grumpy lazy man on my hands... And that's the absolute worst.

      Delete
    2. Or daddy disinherits u or removes ur name from his will. A grown a*s man should be able to hustle on his own...

      Delete
    3. Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate the only yummy mummy I see. Hugs bae!

      Delete
  17. Words of wisdom Wale. We all must look beyond the superficial. Above all let God guide us. We really must learn to discern his voice. Kudos to all on this blog especially my dear madam T. CEO

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think a hardworking man with a humble heart and great ideas can work for me... cz i'm SURE he will make it... (he who finds me obtains favour... i'm a "good thing"...)
    HOWEVER, if by 30ish, ur depending on parents' wealth, thats very bad for any hardworking woman... worse than the 'no potential' guy 2 me.... because poverty can push Mr. 'no potential' to get off his ass and hustle for himself, but 'daddy's boy' (or man) has daddy's wealth keeping him comfortable and he obviously sees no need to make his own for himself, forgetting there's a difference between 'My' thing and 'Our' thing....
    hope i made small sense

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think a hardworking man with a humble heart and great ideas can work for me... cz i'm SURE he will make it... (he who finds me obtains favour... i'm a "good thing"...)
    HOWEVER, if by 30ish, ur depending on parents' wealth, thats very bad for any hardworking woman... worse than the 'no potential' guy 2 me.... because poverty can push Mr. 'no potential' to get off his ass and hustle for himself, but 'daddy's boy' (or man) has daddy's wealth keeping him comfortable and he obviously sees no need to make his own for himself, forgetting there's a difference between 'My' thing and 'Our' thing....
    hope i made small sense

    ReplyDelete
  20. Words of wisdom Wale. We all must look beyond the superficial. Above all let God guide us. We really must learn to discern his voice. Kudos to all on this blog especially my dear madam T. CEO

    ReplyDelete

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