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My Hilarious Job Hunting Story





A friend once swore she was going to help me get a job.
Few days after, I received a call from one lady while I was having my hair washed at a saloon. She told me my friend spoke to her about me and she requested we meet at a named 3 star hotel immediately or lose the 'big opportunity' for a job. With my hair still dripping wet, I dashed home and changed into something decent. As soon as I got there, someone directed me to the hotel's garden. Seated there were 3 guys and a lady. All of them wore a yellow t-shirt and they were fiddling with a laptop.
Oh, so I'm going to be registering SIM cards for MTN, I thought.
The first question she asked was if I am a computer literate.

"Yes" I quickly responded.

"Great! I'm actually a HR officer. My client will conduct the interview herself but I had to
meet you first to be sure I'm recommending the right person.."

"I am the right person ma" I affirmed.

"Are you born again??" She asked.

That question knocked me off my feet.
Judging from that, It was obvious I was going to be an accountant for Deeper Life Church.
"Yes..I'm born again ma.'' I replied trying not to mince words.

"Beautiful!!" She exclaimed.

"Your interview is going to be at No bla bla bla by 9am on Saturday...its a new plaza in town. I don't need to go into the details of the job but I'm positive you're going to love it. Send your CV to bla bla bla mail. Also make copies of all your credentials and take it along. And pleases do something about that hair before Saturday. First impression matters you know." she added.

End of first interview. I heaved a sigh of relief and left the hotel.

Friday morning, sickness struck. Headache, fever remixed with cold and catarrh.
I contemplated between using the little money I had to make my hair or using the money to buy drugs and LIVE.
"Make your hair, get the job and use your salary to buy a pharmacy." The devil commanded.

If I pass the interview, the sickness might disappear out of excitement, I thought.
The next morning, I was on my way to the interview with the most painful Ghana braids on my hair. My bad health was not helping matters.
To be honest, the malaria had me looking like a fairly used chicken.
I also went with a Ghana must go bag of all my certificates (except my death certificate) only to realise it was a small ugly, stuffy bookshop without a standing/ceiling fan to cool down my temper.
My temper at that point was capable of boiling yam for a family of 3.
If I had my way, I would have tattooed the meaning of plaza on the HR forehead. Smh
My potential employer had not arrived yet so I used the opportunity to peruse the books on a dusty shelf.
A couple of Joyce Meyer books, books on wildlife, one Daily Manna devotional, Igbo men success stories books, history books, a couple of encyclopedia, and some other random boring looking books.
By 9:30, Madam CEO arrived and the interview process commenced.
She fired me a number of JAMB questions like she was sent to hire me as an accountant for Aso Rock.

As God would have it, I impressed her.

Then she began her speech...
"This plastic chair you are sitting on is going to be your office. You are to report from Monday to Saturday and your job runs from 8am to 6pm."

Before I could utter, what time will I use to search for a husband then?
She cut me and continued her cool story.

"You are the customer care representative, office assistant, and marketer of this place."
Upon hearing that, I had to peep at the wall mirror to check whether I have three heads. Does this woman think my head is 3 in one or what?
She went on...

"You would also assist Lilian, the sales girl in drawing accounts. Every Wednesday is marketing days. You are to take some of the books to churches, banks and offices to sell them. These are nice books so its going to be easy for you. That should enable you network."

Wonderful! With this sort of job, my salary should be such that I would be able to ride a Buggati to my village in 6 months time.

She was not done with me...

As a customer care rep, you have to try to read all the books in this shop. People will call to request information about one book or the other that's why."
My head harddrive had crashed upon hearing that.
Are you kidding me? Woman, I don't even read sign board these days!
I didn't want to hear more.
"How much is my salary?" I deadpanned

She paced around for a few seconds before dropping the bombshell.
"Salary is N10000!"

The last time I checked, Nigeria abolished slavery.
I broke into laughter. A laughter of misery and frustration.
To add insult to the injury, she began to yak on how there are no jobs in Nigeria. In her words "I better accept the offer. People will kill to have this job."

Even if I were silly enough to take the shitty job, my transportation to and fro the bookshop was roughly N8000 a month. Tithe is 1k. Basically, I'll go home with 1K every month at my age, stage and relationship status?

Waste of Ghana braids!
I just wanted to loosen my braids there in her office and force her to swallow the attachment.
"Thank you madam for your offer!" I muttered.

If I had spent an extra minute in there, I would have probably be tumbling down the book shelves.

I packed what was left of my dignity and sicknesses and hurried out of her book kiosk.
As for my friend, we've not spoken to ourselves since then. 



............
By Naijasinglegirl; Yemisi 63 on Nairaland

Kai! This was so amusing and very relatable, who else has had a similar experience? I know I have... Story for another day. LOL. 

Wait o!! TTB readers you guys have stopped writing? I want to hear your stories, experiences and anecdotes. Ifesinachi Okonkwo I miss your stories! Please we're all about sharing. In fact I'd be glad if everything I post in the next few days was written by blog readers, don't you get tired to reading my own ish alone, I do and I want to read yours too. Just make it hot and spicy so that others can enjoy and relate to it. 

Please where is Tokoni??? 

Comments

  1. hahahah
    Hilarious...10k.
    Dear Lord Today i thank you for my Job and most importantly, Life!
    Happy Birthday to me....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy birthday anon God bless

      Delete
    2. Happy birthday! May God bless you.

      Delete
  2. You are going to be the customer care rep, office assistant and marketer hahahahaha on top kiosk? And for 10k some ppl should fear God na.
    Mine was when I got an sms telling me I've been scheduled for a test and interview on so and so day omo see the way I was gingering left my house @ 4:30 a.m so I could meet up, only to get there and find out it was for gnld's network marketing mtcheeew (they only told us it was for gnld after some stupid test written on fullscap sheets asking us what the meaning of html is and what our dream in life is then they preached and testified to the goodness of gnld thereby wasting 3hrs of my time). I just looked at all my suit, kok shoe and handbag decking plus on point makeup I could not even find the energy to be mad. Things we see all for profitable employment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hbd rider of life...phransea I was busy crushing on Jeffrey page oh that's why I didn't learn that dance...his the reason I watch maltina dance all...I double checked the amount again...did she just say 10k....I swear the woman for hear wehn from me...that naughty house wife

      Delete
    2. Happy beautiful birthday A' Rider! Have a fun filled day.

      Delete
    3. Happy Birthday, Anon Rider!

      Phransea, I had the same experience twice, It could have been me writing your story just that I left home by 8am because the interviews were scheduled for 10am. It wasn't funny, as both happened within a week.

      Delete
  3. Laugh no gree me finish reading...I have to read again and come back to comment when these belly laughs stop.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Looooooooooooooool, oh my goodness

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hbd A' Rider, and favourite..
    Ozavize

    ReplyDelete
  6. This got me ROTFLMSAO!!!! & this time it's for REAL!!!!
    What the actual french word.

    I even thought it was T's story. I for talk say Thelma Don really suffer sha. Just like me.
    Phransea me sef Don go gnld own oh! Rubbish people.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Looooooooooooooooooool,I cnt stop laffing. Niger ninja. It is well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Omg!
    This was just too funny!
    Lady's narrative skills are extremely hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL! Too funny! And I was squinting to see if I missed one zero, saying 100k wouldn't be bad for a small bookshop.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Honestly, I double checked the no. Of zeros.....wow! I wud feel grateful being Jobless than 10000(double checked)! #ouch dat hurts! This must be adapted to a Shortfilm(comedy)

    ReplyDelete
  12. hahahahhahhahhaha are you kidding me10k for what Tfare or ? They just exploit people and it is not fair. Well, in other news I went for the 2nd stage of the interview today and i must confess God has been good so far. I can't wait to share my testimony here.

    ONE LOVE !!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah.Dang!!!! You have patience sha, Me, the environment alone, am off before she shows up.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Slavery is still with us and doesn't seem to go away anytime soon. Pity!

    Looking at it critically, that shop couldn't afford a salary higher than that. I mean, what is it selling and what is the monthly net profit? However, the owner should have looked for someone less qualified and not ride on the back of the unemployment situation in the country to offer near-nothing to someone that qualified. That was a great insult.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  15. so naijasinglegirl's name is yemisi.... hmmm... 1 step closer to decoding her identity....

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don laff tire...*accountant for Deeper Life*...abeg I laff belle-ful!! ...and Happy Birthday to A'Rider....JoyDaNuGirl

    ReplyDelete

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