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Shunning The Condition and Damning The Ring...

Last night's topic on Sharing Life Issues with Wana Udobang struck a chord. According to Wana several female listeners have been mailing her and have all made a similar request; discuss men proposing marriage, with the condition that you get pregnant first. 

I've told you guys about *Boma, now in addition to daddy's dictatorship, the location and lack of attraction on my part, I was also told that this is what would happen; yes they want to marry me, once I give them a nod preparations will be put in place, then on hold, till I get pregnant, then whoosh, igba-nkwu and white wedding will immediately be done. Yes guys, in addition to the other factors I'd have to contend with I have to get pregnant first. I argued with Boma about this and he said it's the family way, it's what his dad and his uncles did/do, it's how things are done in their family. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that.... 

Really Boma? Really? You love me? I beg to differ, that condition wouldn't come attached to a proposal for marriage if you sincerely do. Or at least that's what I think...

Or could I be wrong? I heard callers' views and past experiences last night and apparently not one man seemed to think it was a bad idea. They all had different reasons for thinking a woman should get pregnant first but ultimately, while I listened in on the show, not one caller expressed dissent. 

Their reasons varied from; you need to have a guarantee that she can have kids, to her getting pregnant will show that she really wants to marry you and not just chop your money and run away without marrying you. 
      I remember clearly that a caller said he had gotten several women pregnant before he got married and he eventually married one of those women; "so yes Wana I'm in support of asking a woman to get pregnant for you before you marry her, it's only logical and biological", he concluded. 

Speaking of logic,  could this be why most men advocate for pregnancy first and women scream "If you love me you won't force me to.". Is it because by nature men are practical and logical while we women are sentimental and emotional? This is just a thought, probably an explanation for this unfair and ungodly demand. 

But hey, I'll try not to go into theories and musings, I'd like to hear from real people. Another caller, a woman this time, called in and her call was the perfect example of Why Not To Get Pregnant Before Marriage when you boo asks you to. Her friend's fiancé insisted she get pregnant before they proceed with the wedding, she did as she was told and got pregnant. Fiancé left her and married someone else. Today she's a single mum. 

I've also told you guys of one of my Exs who said he wanted to marry me and kept pleading with me to get pregnant and then we can immediately wed, while unknown to me his fiancé (wait, I thought I was his fiancé?) was 7 months pregnant... 

Has anyone been in this imposed preggers-before-marriage situation? How did things work out for you? Generally guys, what are your thoughts on the condition of getting pregnant before marriage and what reasons form your thoughts? Does this mean a marriage is not a marriage without children, is having children the only reason (Nigerian) men marry? 

I understand this works out well for some people so no, it's not all bad. 

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  1. T.dis is a typical example of d FACT dat we still live in an Africa with pple filled with low mentality,dis is d reason y Africa can never n will never get to d American standard.I feel dis is outdated n old fashioned,wat happened to wat d scripture warns or says,wat happened to our faith n trust in our partners?I av never been in such position n will never,my sister fell into d trap,n hers was even two kids,n d guy bolted. Men are assholes m sorry to say.

    1. On the contrary, I believe Africa will exceed American standard someday but that is a different discussion entirely.
      I am not an asshole and none of my siblings are a**holes, I want to believe you have men in your family that are not a**holes. Anger doesn't solve any problem, we must still use our eyes to see even when we are crying.

      Very sad that your sister fell into the trap twice, she should blame herself and not the a**hole she was with. Accepting responsibilty is a good step to solving many of our problems, playing the victim put us in the cage of deception and complicates our lives, sometimes beyond redemption.
      I pray that your sister find joy even in the situation she has put herself.

    2. Ok not all men are A**holes but some are, do not judge the entire male populations based on the misfortunes of others.
      Expecting a lady to get pregnant before you marry her is old practice that some people still do till date.
      Takes a shallow man to propose it and a very stupid and desperate woman to agree , my opinion.

  2. Obviously this will not apply if you don't believe in sex before marriage

  3. Logical and biological. Hmm...
    My biology says most men face infertility issues than women.
    My logic says a woman doesn't/mustnt carry a child in her womb to be called a mum. There's sorrugacy,ivf,adoption,etc
    The world is pretty populated that I feel nature might balance things out by making couples infertile.
    Quit the pressure on the fiance/wife and go and be a baby daddy. If she loves u enough,she wld accept ur child too. (Afterall children are blessings from God)

    1. The world is pretty populated that I feel nature might balance things out by making couples infertile.
      Quit the pressure on the fiance/wife and go and be a baby daddy. If she loves u enough,she wld accept ur child too. (Afterall children are blessings from God)"
      This comment is very ignorant and makes no sense. Are you listening to yourself? When you suffer infertility come back and talk.

    2. Are u or ur SO infertile? If yes,wld u give up on having ur own family thru surrogacy or adoption?
      Are u a single parent? If yes,wldnt u want someone to love u enuf to accept ur child.Angela Basset and Gulliana Rancic both became mums thru surrogacy and they are happy

  4. There's a particular fear overcoming me; the fear that our ignorance has reached such a level that humans now lack principles and it's gradually destroying the little noticeable conscience left. Please, I'll like to ask all Bomas this question: which religion or culture permits a man to logically or biologically impregnate a woman before marrying her, since the vows will be made within the tenets of respective cultures and religions?

    The situation is really scary. What kind of world are we bringing kids into?

    1. My brother, the fear is actually consuming. We have lost it entirely.

    2. I'm telling you it is crazy

    3. I share your fear. Selfishness, greed and the desire to domineer others is pushing us to crazy limits.

  5. Hmmm,i won't even sleep.with you before marriage so I wonder where you will find the guts to tell me to get pregnant. Are you mad nii? When will.humans stop.playing God?What if she gets pregnant and lose the pregnancy after marriage? Or lose the child say at infant hood and is again,what Divorce her?

    1. Simple answer to seemingly difficult question, God bless you jare!

    2. Thank you Favourite!

  6. Thelma I am annonymous on this post.
    First of all people should stop playing God. I will narrate from personal experience

    I was raped at age 9 and left for dead, by my neighbor in this same Nigeria. I got the best of care here and abroad. Shit happens, wonky reproductive system. I met someone who I assumed loved me, after disclosure, this bastard told me to go and get pregnant first, first time I broke up with him. He begged and said he was only playing, second time I could have murdered him I just took a long walk after he wasted a years of my father was exceedingly livid because my dad was broken by my whole experience and till date he will do bodily harm to any man I say is harassing me. I am in my early 30s.

    Nobody has a right to ask another human being to audition for a role in their lives. Love that people dont understand is not conditional, and if u committ to auditioning to be a part of anybody's life, you will always audition for the length of that relationship.
    My attitude is no human being has created themselves, and in people thinking they can place mandates on other creatures they are flawed human beings.
    I met a man who legally married me after a few months and I started my treatment, I have been getting very sick and he has been all the way supportive. He has suggested a surrogate adoption among other things.

    Thelma, men like Boma are selfish and self serving, people are creating warped standards instead of putting the basic human face of compassion forward.

    A man who asks for pregnancy first can never respect you, see you as a friend or even a partner. Those kind of people aren't worth being married to talkless of raising children with. They will suffocate your life with their selfishness.

    1. "Nobody has a right to ask another human being to audition for a role in their lives." I like that statement

    2. Thank you anon.

  7. I am not in support of such notion! The men wants to know the women fertility status but raise hell when women wants to.know their financial status!
    Any lady that is asked to get pregnant before marriage, should know that the groom to be already has TRUST ISSUES!

    1. Knowing the man's financial status is not the same as knowing the woman's fertility status. Nobody should get preganant for any man except when all the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted.

  8. all I can say is,dis is barbaric.d kind of tins dis my smal ears av heard sef ehn,let me see d man dat wud evn fnk it to tel me sef,mtchew nd btw hbd wale, been crazy busy,hope u had a blast...

  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  10. My uncle(RIP) asked his wife to get pregnant before the wedding because he wanted to be sure of her fertility. She actually got pregnant before the wedding and had a miscarriage two months after the wedding. They did not concieve again for another 17 yrs and have only a boy. Before my uncle died he turned advocate and started disuading other men who insisted their fiancee get pregnant before marriage. He said he realised he wanted to play God and God taught him a good lesson

  11. Thats like tempting God! What if the pregnancy miscarries? Or a still-birth? Or die at birth? What if after all these possible scenarios belle no gree show again?
    I know so many people who did this and 7,8,9,10,11 years down the line, it's still that one child that they have. Ladies, if your man sets that as a condition, make a choice between Harry Houdinni and Usain Bolt.....

  12. They (the men in who believe this) act as though impediments to getting pregnant could not be as a result of the man's inability to impregnate a woman. In another vein, does getting pregnant guarantee having a baby eventually? And does delivering the baby even ensures its survival or outliving the parents? Stupid mentality. If you need to be sure of a woman's fertility, go medical.

    And why is it that in Nigeria, the main basis for marriage is still child bearing? What happens to companionship? What happens to adding real values (beyond being biological parents) to each other? No wonder a lot of marriages are heading for the rocks and a lot of women are treated like a piece of non-living asset.

    1. "And why is it that in Nigeria, the main basis for marriage is still child bearing? What happens to companionship? What happens to adding real values (beyond being biological parents) to each other? No wonder a lot of marriages are heading for the rocks and a lot of women are treated like a piece of non-living asset."
      I have read the paragraph above five times and each of those times it has a deeper meaning. It makes me ask myself why two people decide to get married and if their purpose / reasons for getting married will uplift them and impact positively on their lives and the society. It also makes me wonder if people even think about the impact of their decision in their lives - if they just take a moment and wonder where that decision will take them. It makes me wonder. . .

  13. Iv even heard worse than get preg and I'll marry you, I have heard get pregnant so I know ur fertile then go terminate the pregnancy( No promise of marriage oh). .. I tell you some men are beyond selfish, ignorant and heartless

    1. What would be your reaction if a lunatic made such a request to get pregnant, not even to terminate it? As parents, are we raising the kids properly or why are we faced with these monsters seeking to destroy the lives of our children??

    2. Sir Wale I'll probrably just walk out on the person and never speek to him again because responding or reacting would be wasted effort in my side

  14. I have also heard about some ladies who lost their man because the bobo refused to agree to getting her pregnant as a condition for wedding. So what will y'all say to that?

  15. People want to get married for different reasons, some for Children, some for money, some for love, some for a companion, if a large percentage of a guy's reason for getting married is to ve kids, then he can ask his babe to get pregnant before marriage, its now left for d babe to accept or dump him, depending on wat she wants. A childless marriage is a huge life challenge in our society so i dnt blame d men sometimes, Nigerian society stigmatises childless couples, even when they adopt, the adopted child ll be further stigmatised. I once met a very good looking, rich n caring guy, d guy wanted to marry me by all means, was unsually kind n wld do anything for me n i kept wondering why, till he told me abt his ailment, he was sterile n wld not be able to ve kids so he wanted smone dt already has a kid to avoid future pressures, i felt really sorry for him but cld not marry him cos i want more kids of my own. All i am trying to say is that if we ve to keep being Africans or Nigerians which is old fashioned, then d idea is not totally wrong but until we accept western culture like adopting a cat or a dog n stay in love n forget kids, that kind of trend ll not stop.
    PS. I left religion totally out of this, i only spoke in line with culture.


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He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
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