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Staying For Every Reason, Except Love.





A while back my friend called me at midnight, in the middle of a terrible dilemma. So she's dating this guy who loves her terribly and does everything to make her happy. At first she thought they'd just use each other to pass the time seeing as they're both single, but then his father got her an amazing job (after being unemployed for over two years), his sisters travel and buy her clothes, accessories and regularly send her cash and other things, his entire family dotes on her, and now they're beginning to 'groom' her as one of them. The only problem is that my friend doesn't love him that way. She doesn't want to go ahead with the relationship but how can she say so after all they've done for her?


This reminded me of someone I used to know. She attended QC as well but was some sets behind me. She's from an average home but was dating my brother's friend back then whose family is very well off. His family totally adored her, so much so that her first degree in the UK was paid for by his parents, as was her Masters in the US. Before her Masters she returned for her Youth Service and they (he and his family) bought her a car. She returned to Nigeria after the Masters and the plan was for a marriage to take place between her and the guy. Unfortunately she came back and sang a different tune. 
     She didn't love him anymore and she basically thought she deserved someone better; he's too laid back, she wasn't sure where he was heading and generally she had fallen out of love with him. So after dating for over ten years, his family paying for her education abroad and being bought a car by the same family, she said goodbye.

Now I know how mean and selfish that was. I saw le boo when he was heartbroken; he was literally heartbroken and was in a state of depression for a while. I know it's terribly mean to accept those (very expensive) gestures only to bow out later. 

But people do fall out of love. Isn't it only natural? I know she loved him during the relationship, maybe not through all of it, but in the first few years when I was opportuned to witness their relationship she was completely in love with him. And I know it's not fair either. But isn't it unfair to expect someone to stay with a person they no longer love out of gratitude, or guilt, or a sense of duty or anything besides actually loving them?


What do you guys think? Would you stay with someone just because they're very kind to you and have been very giving to you even though you no longer love them?

Should my friend try to love her boo back and accept a marriage proposal if it comes or tell him it's over?

Comments

  1. If a guy does this, then he's a total asshole I agree people fall out of love, but anybody can love anybody because love is a choice. Most of our grand parents were "matchmade"and they weren't issues of divorce, India practises arranged marriage and they have lowest divorce rate.
    My point is that if you choose to love someone you can have a happy marriage provided the person does the same

    ReplyDelete
  2. This life is filled with so many selfish people.... Too selfish. Kai.
    DONT accept these gifts, DON'T lead the guy & his family on with ur fake smiles & nods if u don't love the guy please. Imagine if the roles were switched. What will u expect?
    I can't tell her to marry outta pity or the need to repay their favors. She should bounce with lots of apologies to him, his family & return ALL she took or those in her possession.

    As for that one that dated a guy for 10yrs & bounced, That babe is a gold digger biko. She played the guy/family & faked the love... didn't she know he was laid back before her "so called love for him"? LOL. Girls, some of us are our own enemies...

    U DONT just fall out of love with someone if they didn't change negatively & hurt u continuously. U were never IN LOVE with them, u just liked them cos there was no better option & u convinced urself it was love, such can definitely not stand the test of time.

    Enjoy ur day everyone. XoXo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where you're wrong is thinking loving and falling in love with someone is the same thing. You can still love someone and fall out of love with them. Sometimes it's not them who changed, it could be you that has changed and therefore the way you see things and feel change as well. It's only human nature I guess. I'm speaking generally though, not about any of the people I mentioned.

      Delete
    2. So what will happen if you fall out of love when you are already married? Or you condition your mind to love permanently at that stage? I guess divorce would be the answer when you fall out of love in marriage! No wonder J Lo is on marriage spree and my Nigerian peeps are following in those footsteps.

      My definition of love will always be different, I am very old fashioned and proud of it. I have to be careful now before my comments turn to rants but those girls are not only evil but extremely dangerous. I would be glad to be dumped by those.

      What those families did is what every good family would do, taking care of those dating their children. Responsible children knows that they are been groomed as in laws as soon as the spending starts.

      This behavior is very common now, chop and dump; guys and girls are doing it and wise parents and partners will surely learn fast.

      As for me, you will not get beyond transport money if you visit; you cannot lay your hands on my assets until you marry my kids. It is my children's business after that, no way I am living my old age with silly regrets!

      Delete
    3. Thank U very much Wale! U are spot on.
      T, like u said, u ain't generalizing but there's a Standard or yardstick for everything in life!
      People always mistake love & like!

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    5. You spoke my mind Wale. I don't support marrying out of pity, BUT why accept such extensive educational gifts if she thinks he is laid back?
      @Wale, you are yet to answer my questions in the Alaafin post :)

      Delete
    6. @New Dawn, I just answered them

      Delete
    7. @Wale; Thanks, I have read it.

      Delete
  3. Ruthylicious, ur last paragraph is so on point mehn!
    Miss B.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it happens, I started dating my boyfriend from 2nd year in uni, and now we are done. I am

    quite quiet and do not have many friends and my boyfriend is exactly the same. Recently, I have

    been wondering if I want to settle with him, I do not want a boring guy. When life starts and we start

    working, it would be neccessary to have an outdoor person so life is not just revolving around work and church.
    Infact I need advice, is it alright to dump someone just because they are not lively? My boyfriend is amazing, he's always there for me, so faithful, kind and many more.
    p.s my boyfriend didnt sponsor me or anything like that, we both exchanged gifts like every normal relationship

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You want to dump your bf because he is not lively? What is your definition of lively? Party everyday? Weed and whisky? Cohiba in the morning? Vacation every month? Gangsterism? Sex in the park on your birthday? Other things we read about that I don't want to mention here?

      How about being the change you want in your relationship? He is your bf, talk to him, tell him all you want him to know, listen to him and see if you can have agreement on how to live your lives.
      Take your decision after that, afterall, the Bible says "can't two walk except if they agree"?

      Delete
    2. I totally agree with you Wale. You're not going to have the butterfly in the stomach feeling everyday. Real life happens and challenges come. I place more value on your ability to laugh together, that will hold you up when things get tough. 16yrs and counting. Reminds me of a Judge Judy episode where the woman said she wanted a divorce from her husband because he was too nice. My dear pls hold on to your relationship if you love each other. OJ

      Delete
  5. I am in this kinda relationship. Thelma I have a story to tell. Am the anon dt reached out to you, the anon who was complaining that your number was switched off. I am having a problem with my mail box so I can't email u. Pls can u reach me on 08114142658. My heart is burdened and I need an objective advice from a third party who won't mince words with me. Thank you Thelma.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am in this kinda relationship. Thelma I have a story to tell. Am the anon dt reached out to you, the anon who was complaining that your number was switched off. I am having a problem with my mail box so I can't email u. Pls can u reach me on 08114142658. My heart is burdened and I need an objective advice from a third party who won't mince words with me. Thank you Thelma.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes I totally agree with Ruthylicious..seriously b4 you start dating sm1 you should think about it and know if you have a future together. .yeah smx you date sm1 just to passtime (which I dont subscribe to cos its selfish) but when u see the other party is starting to get serious..then just end the whole thing abeg...u dont accept all the goddies and then suddenly realise you dont love this person and take a walk..its totally selfish and not nice..am not one for a person remaining in a loveless relationship or dating and marrying sm1 out of pity...just dont start what you cant finish..thats my opinion though

    ReplyDelete
  8. HMm love is a choice,u won't always feel in love with ur SO but I think when a couple dates for too long the r/ship becomes boring as a result of the "see finish" factor and as a result one party may likely fall out of love. I think that's what happened in the 1st scenario.Except such a party is willing to work at reigniting the love.

    ReplyDelete
  9. And commenting these days here is a struggle because my comments keep disappearing,don't know if its something that can be worked on thelma :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is what I have against dating for a very long time. She might not start out being a gold digger, just that she might have fallen out of love at some point seeing there is no "commitment " on either part. Then staying on because she doesn't know how to say it without being ungrateful and having the "benefits " stopped.
    I know someone in that type of relationship, she doesn't love the guy anymore and cheats on him like crazy meanwhile the guy's parents are planning a destination wedding for them for early next year. Her falling out of love partly has to do with the fact that the guy used to abuse her violently but always apologies with gifts. We all told her to leave then but she did not. She got tired on her own later but the guy won't let her go.
    She is still there looking for a way not to have the wedding without being ungrateful to his parents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She doesn't love the guy anymore!
      She cheats on him like crazy!
      The guy used to abuse her violently and she didn't walk!
      She got tired but the guy wont let go!
      She is still looking for a way not to have the wedding!

      Are you sure the devil is not playing ludo with this woman?

      Delete
    2. lol @laying ludo. OJ

      Delete
    3. LOl @Wale your comments mahn but its true sha .

      Delete
    4. Abi ludo gidi. Everyone is tired of her wahala now.

      Delete
  11. People often forget that there is more to marriage than marrying someone you are in love with. For pete's sake, love is just one of and not the only thing marriage requires for survival. If you check very well, that lady who claimed to have fallen out of love with the guy she dated for 10 years must have found another guy who she believed was better than her guy.

    As for your friend, why didn't she define the relationship (with the guy fully aware) before they started dating? And since that wasn't done, why did she accept (and still accepting, I assume) all the goodies offered by his family? I cannot ask that a lady should forcefully marry a man but at least, have a heart (except of course there is a good reason to fall out of love, i.e as a result of a terrible fault of the guy's). I wonder what sugabelly would have to say to these stories.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  12. yes its only natural to fall out of luv,cuz it cant be always rosy.bt d only reason u start fnkn of break up instead of workn it out is wen a new guy comes in2 d picture.dats just ow I seee it

    ReplyDelete
  13. Contrary to popular belief, love does not just happen; it is a choice, a decision one makes. This girl saw the signs that she didnt feel connected long before she made the decision and should have cut out earlier. 10 years?! hmmmmmmm.....

    ReplyDelete

  14. Me and my partner broke up at the end of last year. He wanted to go on a break, I didn’t want to but I eventually agreed. He said he needs time away for a while and be single. He said he would contact me when he was ready to speak to me again but its approaching eight months. I don’t know how long he’s going to take but I was willing to gave him as much time he needs to think things through. I can’ wait much longer, so I search whole web and I found very powerful magic person. He has this website http://magical-rituals.com , I buy from his love spell, and it worked after one month. I ‘m happy again.

    ReplyDelete

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