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The Abusive Wife & The Proud Lover.

You hear about domestic violence and what immediately comes to mind is the image of an agitated man, nostrils flaring, hands thrashing wildly about as he hits his woman in any available parts of her body, we never imagine that it could be the woman. 

So last night when a friend told me that he went to settle a domestic dispute and I teasingly asked him when he became a marriage counselor, seeing as he himself isn't married at the moment, he then clarified things and said it was a case of domestic violence, and instantly I thought a friend of his must have beaten his wife who quickly grabbed a phone and pleaded with him to come to her rescue. I never would have imagined that it was the other way round and the friend was calling from the safety of his bathroom where he had hidden for his dear life. Unfortunately I cannot go into too many details as it's not my story to tell but the crux of it was that his friend came home after a long day, not seeing wifey immediately he thought she must be at a neighbour's and unthinkingly flung his clothes aside and dozed off. 

He was woken up by a very resounding slap on the side of his face. Alarmed, he jumped up but before he could ask any questions madam started thrashing around with a knife. She gave him deep cuts in his back, his hands and on his face. The man was eventually able to grab his phone, run into the toilet and locked the door. She threatened to break it down and kill him. 

And the cause of the fight: there was brown powder on the shirt that he'd worn that day which he'd unthinkingly removed and flung on the floor before dozing off. 

Madam vented that she made him who he is today and now that he's a millionaire he wants to cheat on her? She would die before that happens! She also threatened that she made him and she can and will break him. 

My friend rushed to their home after getting the phone call, she let him in and in tears, immediately started telling him that her husband was cheating on her and was making her terribly unhappy and heartbroken. The lady began to make herself look like the victim (abusers have a way of doing that). My friend found his friend in the bathroom and had to rush him to the hospital immediately, he needed several stitches in different parts on his body including his face. It was so serious that they had to get the police involved. 

Now my friend says that this particular friend of his is his only married friend that he can swear has never been unfaithful to his wife. The brown powder came about when he (according to him) ran into a former colleague whom he hadn't seen in a while and hugged her. He said that if he felt guilty or was guilty of something then on getting home he would have hidden the 'evidence' or dropped the shirt off at the dry cleaners first. 

Some people still think that domestic violence is acceptable as long as the woman is not the victim and this is a wrong way to think. All abuse is abuse regardless of the abuser or the abusee and all abuse is wrong and should be condemned. 

Also it turns out that when this woman isn't being physically abusive she's being emotionally and verbally abusive; constantly reminding him that she made him and he's nothing without, constantly threatening to kill him or ruin him. 

It so happens that this woman still believes her outburst is justified and has vehemently refused to apologize. Which leads me to my (other) question; How does one cope with a proud partner? I'm taking out the abuse dimension from here and asking every one who's married or in a relationship or has been in one; how do you cope when your partner wrongs you and so adamantly refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing and/or apologize. You just continue to forge ahead and let it go; you get used to this part of them and accept it, and accept your fate? Or is there a way that you make them pay back? 
      Please I would really really really like answers as a dear friend of mine is married to a man who seems to think its taboo to say I'm sorry, or accept that he's wrong, even when he so obviously is...

PS; I think every abuser is in need of professional psychiatric help and a lot of prayers



  1. hmmmmn, na real wa. I don't know much about a proud partner though i'm married. Marriage has been great and God has been faithful. To the abused husband, I would advise that the guy had better jejely waka from his supposed wife. That woman is an animal and humans are not to live with animals. Even if the guy cheated on her, it doesn't give her the right to stab him. the woman needs to be checked into yaba left fast.

  2. Thelms na wah oh na no be so we plan this thing oh

  3. This post just reminded me of my mum's sister who used to beat her hussy,terrible time for the man menhh,he later left her n went to rent a house at GRA ikeja. I just feel patience and understanding matters most in every relationship,a woman HAS to learn to endure n persevere in any situation she finds herself in a relationship. The above woman isn't ready for marriage m she sounds like one over pampered rich kid.

  4. Dealing with a proud partner or someone who doesn't appologises is a big issue as it always leads to emotional theft jes like SDK will say. Wht u do whn u don't appologise 2 ur spouse is dt u keep on stealing 4rm them emotionally, till it reaches a point were they can't take it anymore and they snap, and couples tend 2 get physical whn it gets 2 dz point. It's same as every other emotinal theft habits ranging 4rm borrowing 4rm ur spouse and not returning, cheating on ur partner and rubbing it in dr faces et al.

    Handling d issue 4rm a marrital angle, It would depend on how bad the things he isn't apologizing for are. Is it things like forgetting the shopping, not doing house chores or is it bigger or more important things? Explain to him without yelling or getting angry, that when he makes mistakes and doesn't apoligize, it makes you feel hurt. Tell him that you aren;t mad with him, but you would like him to remember to say sorry when he does something wrong because it's past the point where it's a little bit annoying, it's hurting your feelings. Hopefully your man will realise he isn't saying sorry and he is hurting you, and hopefully he starts apologizing.
    Some women dont apologize when they make mistakes and want hubby 2 do so. U gotta be d change dt u seek. Plz check urself 2 see if u don't, then maybe you should start apologizing and see if he does. If he doesn't, then continue talking, communicate with him effectively what ur breaking poins are coz communication is key. Yall can also see a therapist. If after doing all these and he is still proud and unappologetic, then I think it's hi time u started planning ur exit if u can't continue living like that.

    NB-my above points refers 2 pple who are already married, if u are jes dating and ur partner is proud and unappologetic and u've tried everythg possible with no change, then u shld use ur tongue and count ur teeth coz u are probably dealing with a prospective emotional/physical abuser and some1 dt lacks respect 4 women.

    *lips sealed and watching*

  5. posted since 2pm. only 4 comments. Thelma if it
    were about a female victim, the comments
    would've been many with all the females calling
    men generally animals and asking the woman to
    leave before he kills her

  6. posted since 2pm. only 4 comments. Thelma if it
    were about a female victim, the comments
    would've been many with all the females calling
    men generally animals and asking the woman to
    leave before he kills her

  7. This sounds like my Friend's story, he has eventually left her now tho, if i send in pics of the marks, u ll be so shocked. As for having a proud partner, i ll just say, love is not proud. Someone that loves you ll not be too proud to apologize.

  8. I still can't wrap my head around a woman beating a man not to talk of a man that is her husband! Well like I'd have said if the tables were turned... he should take a few shirts... and RUN!!! the woman obviously has deep seated issues... she's not mentally stable and she needs all the help she can get. Ha... very sad and pathetic somtin! O ga o!

  9. LOL. That man should runaway biko. Some women are mad. I have an aunt that ties her hubby up & flog him with koboko. For reasons like: so u ate the last food, why did u not clean the water u poured on the floor thoroughly?
    Dude ran away after a while.

    As for the proud & unapologetic partner, I'll sit u down & complain calmly for a long while, no change? I'll start punishing, No change, i'll start repaying till u learn ur lessons... no change still, i'll ignore. I can't die on top SO matter!

  10. From the way the lady has acted, it seems like she might be cheating if she's thoroughly investigated. There Haven't been any substantial reason to suspect him yet she does. This is Revrse-psychology/inferiority-complex/Guilty-conscience #simple

    I mean how do u explain her actions with such a minor claim of evidence to cheating?
    Its so sad dat d guy is such a 'pu**y', even if u won't hurt a fly atleast defend yourself, haba!

    1. How do you defend yourself against a manic person thrashing a kitchen knife in your face?

    2. Yep @ Uyi, pu55y is d right word 2 describe any man dt can't @ least defend himself against a violent woman like dz one. It's d duty of a man 2 protect his wife, 2 feel a bit secure around him. But whn it turns out that she is d one pounding him, how can she even look up 2 him incase som1 breaks in2 d home or whn in distress.

      @Thelms how can a man defend himself, my future wife better not try dt with a karate black belter like me!

    3. That's how you men come out in public and be sounding all macho yet some of y'all are getting your asses whooped by the missus at home. Let me just break it to you; being emotionally or physically abused has nothing to do with how strong or weak you are, even as a man. When you've walked in those shoes come and back talk to me.

      I also forgot to add that most physical abuse begin with emotional abuse. This has nothing to do with physical strength, when somebody is able to mess with your mind successfully you become putty in that person's hand. So "macho" men, stop suggesting that men in abusive relationships are weak, most are not. Doing this will only make more men keep quiet about it which will further lead to a rise in domestic violence. Creating awareness curbs the evil.

    4. Lol @ getting ur a55es whooped @ home. Being emotionally abused has nuffin 2 do with how strong u are, agreed. But being physically abused? Will like 2 walk in that shoes..
      I ain't trying 2 sound macho or suggesting dt men in abusive relationships are weak. But as a man u need 2 be able 2 defend urself 4rm a physically abusive wife in some way and stop acting like a pu55y.

  11. Uyi like Thelma rightly said,how do you defend someone with a kitchen knife easier said dan done

  12. Using your hands is one thing. Using weapons? It's a knife ooo and she even drew blood. If I were her hubby, she will return to her father's house or I leave the house for her. What if it led to death? I won't wait to find out or check if there will be a second time. A long separation with her seeking help, both spiritual and psychological.

    About the proud partner, the right timing will do for a heart to heart talk. If that doesn't work. I'll simply ignore him and accept that part of him. I may include the 'punishment'

    1. @Thelma, there are different Ways to defend ursef, as Enjay rightly said, he Cud atleats call her family, send Her Packing or you send Urself packing...let her face her Ish hersef, she can have all d time in d world to cut hersef to death, not the husband.
      When I said defending ursef, I meant Psychological and/or Physical
      Meanwhile, it Seems nobody is with me on The Wife being an infidel Huh? I'm seeing things oh! *handwritings on the wall*

  13. Lol...when the table turns (on DV),its a bit amusing. Sorry...

    1. DV is DV no matter who or what gender is involved, we will lose the fight if we find any part of it amusing.

    2. Thank you Wale, there's absolutely nothing amusing about it (regardless of the victim's gender). Obviously some don't understand the gravity of DV.

  14. I'm actually speechless @the domestic violence. On the proud partner, I once had an ex who is so proud he cannot even say sorry to his mum. He kept doing things for which I would think any reasonable person would think an apology was sure to follow but he never will make one on demand. So I noticed the pattern was if he does something for which he knows you will demand an apology, he will become defensive and he also detestable confrontations. What I did was ignore what he did at the moment then at a later time when we are having a nice time I would bring it up that is the only time I noticed that he would feel bad for his actions and he'll apologize but if you wanna argue it out with him then and there na you go argue soteeeey you go begin apologise. Lol

  15. It is a mental health problem to wrong somebody and adamantly refuse to acknowledge the wrongdoing and apologize. A single person is better off having a conversation with his or her legs. Things will cave in at some point, and except if you are a psychiatrist and can handle it, there is no need starting out with avoidable problems.

    A whole lot different if you are married to a proud person, you have to carry your cross and manage it by talking to your spouse and pray he/she listens and change. Issues will pile up and can break you down emotionally. Empathy is a strong attribute in any kind of relationship, its absence will surely lead to doom.

    Domestic violence is a pretty complicated and sensitive terrain these days, lives can be easily destroyed if issues are not properly handled. Leaving the scene of abuse is usually the best solution, staying back for whatever reason will increase the tension and can lead to avoidable consequences.

    1. I just love most of ur opinions about life issues, if this is truly how u are, then ur wife is one lucky woman.

    2. I do hope she realizes he's a good man cause a lot of women never know their mans worth till their gone/done.

    3. Thanks for the compliments, guess I have had my share of adversities but God has been faithful. I am not infallible but have learnt to retrace my steps lest my fall becomes permanent.
      I am learning a great deal here and have picked up a few ideas from you both, God bless your homes.

  16. There is nothing there to defend. That man had better leave the house for her or get her help. The woman obviously has bipolar 2. There is no working things out with someone who raises a knife at you. Whether the person is your father or wife, except of course you are ready to die.

  17. The wife comes across like someone that's got nothing else to do than be a house-wife and monitoring spirit with earth-size complex issues. The man should be careful but, if careful doesn't work, he should give her a proper taste of her own medicine (maybe without the knife cuts). Am not a supporter of DV but at times, you need to crawl to the bottom of the gutter to clean it well.

  18. I think DV sld b taken even more seriously when the victim is the man in the relationship. My reasons; most men's egos won't let them speak up n report such actions or seek help for fear of being seen as weak n losing face. Also men who were raised to never hit a lady find it hard to even defend themselves in such situations. Friend of mine had a wife who put the violence in DV. Took her pushing him down the stairs n a broken leg n 3 cracked ribs for him to leave for good. Now this is a guy who is a middleweight boxer n he could knock men twice her size out but he could never hit her cos she's a woman.
    I always advice victims to create space from the person, irrespective of gender, while u attempt to resolve the issues; after all one needs to be alive to resolve issues n u can't do jack if u are dead from an abusive SO.


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