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But You're Not a Virgin...

For some people, the worst thing you can do to yourself is open your mouth and utter the words celibacy or abstinence. It's like; babe you're not a virgin, that ship has sailed so what's this one about?

A few weeks back someone took my number and had been calling repeatedly, I ignored most of his calls because I knew it was pointless. So my friend asked why I wouldn't take his calls or meet up with him and I told her there was just no point; I wasn't going to 'do' him, and I knew that was the (only) card on the table. My friend became outraged and immediately began to berate me; Do you have any idea how rich this guy is? Do you know the kind of difference he can make in your life? When last did you travel out or take a vacation? When last did you buy something new for yourself? How much of your plans do you think you can accomplish on your own? Don't you know you need financial backing? Aren't you tired of 'managing'? You're just being stupid, just wasting your time, this whole thing is pointless! Why can't you sleep with him? After all it's not like you're a virgin!

I was shocked at her outburst but I ignored her. I wasn't mad at her, if anything I appreciated her honesty, I know some of my friends go all *yimu* behind my back because of this abstinence thing. And I honestly do not blame them. 

Yesterday I stumbled upon a comment on LIB asking her to "stop this celibacy nonsense Linda, after all it's not like you're a virgin". That's the first time I was hearing of Linda's 'celibacy situation' and the comment, annoying as it was, is the actual sentiment most people have about celibacy. 

A lot of guys have said to me they can date a virgin but never a girl who says she's celibate. More than a few have said something like "Wait, so she's been shagging other guys in the past but now that it's my turn she's suddenly celibate? No way!". At least you know a virgin is a virgin, but someone who's celibate... Ehn, what's that again?

So sometimes it feels like an island. The men don't want you, strangers think you're deceiving yourself, your single friends think you're being stupid, your married friends think you're being ungrateful and wasteful. Yes, wasteful. What I've had a few say to me is; this is your time to sample as many penises as you want, to have as much sex as you want guilt-free, and you're there wasting yourself, getting none? That's what marriage is for; sexual deprivation! You'll have enough time to be deprived of sex after you get married, why not enjoy it now while you can, with as many men as you'd like?  One particularly made a similar comment when her hubby hadn't slept with her in months and she was desperately horny! If she could she would have beaten me, she couldn't understand how I was there turning down offers left, right and centre when all she wanted was 5 minutes of sexy time. In her words; nawa o! Those wen get cap nor get head, those wen get head nor get cap. (That's similar to saying some have food but cannot eat, some can eat but have no food...)

So this is me asking YOU your sincere opinion on celibacy/abstinence. What are your thoughts on it? Would you date someone who's celibate although you are and have been sexually active? To what extent do you agree with the "After all you're not a virgin" statement? 

And to everyone who's struggling with this decision, those of you who mail me and others, I'm no advocate for celibacy, my struggles and decisions are very personal. But... I pray you find the strength you need to stay strong and stick to your resolves for as long as you'd hoped you would. 


  1. All I can say is Celibacy is Personal. If u want to, fine. If u don't want to, okay. But i'll suggest U do it for the right reasons (which differs with opinions).

    As for Me Ruth, I can date someone who's celibate, I am celibate.
    Reason? I no wan commit fornication again. My relationship with God holds #1 spot in my life & NO ONE can take that away. Not even the SO & i'm glad he understands & is genuinely helping me go through with it in entirety.

    Do What pleases YOU & Ur Creator.

  2. Well I think that's the point we've gotten to now. But then I really think that so Many people still value this virgin and celibacy thing especially when they know you're saying the truth just that a lot of them won't acknowledge that fact openly because of their own status or for other reasons best known to them... Am a virgin and am proud to be regardless of what the world thinks....

  3. Well I think that's the point we've gotten to now. But then I really think that so Many people still value this virgin and celibacy thing especially when they know you're saying the truth just that a lot of them won't acknowledge that fact openly because of their own status or for other reasons best known to them... Am a virgin and am proud to be regardless of what the world thinks....

  4. To me I actually don't see anything wrong in being celibate. I am an advocate of 'no sex before marriage' rule. But I have heard guys say as long as the person is not a virgin,then they see no point in not having sex,of which this mind set is wrong. It takes a very special kind of person to understand why a non- virgin would not want to have sex.

    Besides virginity is more than just a hymen covering the vijayjay or Its more spiritual than physical.

    I think it all boils down to the person's belief and determination. If she would be able to withstand the pressure,insult and loss that might come with decision of being celibate.

    *can't remember how I got to know you blog but I have been following it for sometime now. Very differnt and unique,keep up the good work.*


  5. Abstincence and Celibacy are personal choices. Nobody has the right to judge someone for having sex, likewise nobody has the right to judge another for not having sex. Even if you're not a virgin, one can still choose to be celibate, it happens all the time.
    I believe the belief that non virgins shouldn't bother to be celibate is born out of the idea that once you are no longer a virgin you are somehow "less" and can never regain a certain... something (dignity???) that has been taken away from you. So therefore, they feel, why continue to abstain?

    For the men who will date virgins but not celibate women, they are showing you who they are. They feel entitled to having sex with women, again, "because she slept with others, why not me", not realizing that a woman's sexuality belongs to her and who she chooses to share it with. It's not first come first served. It's not national cake where everyone deserves a piece.
    In my opinion, the long discussions are due to people feeling you might be judging their actions by your own choice, so they get defensive.
    TLDR: Sexuality is a personal decision and your buisness and it does not need to be explained or justified to anybody.

    1. "...a woman's sexuality belongs to her and who she chooses to share it with. It's not first come first served. It's not national cake where everyone deserves a piece."
      Cldnt have said it any better...

    2. W.O.R.D. and respect. Perfect perspective.

  6. Dear Thelma, pls what do u do when you get horny. Be honest

    1. I would like to knw trying so hard now to be celibate but still see myself masturbating once in 3 Wks. Helpppppp

    2. Occupy yourself with relaxing chores, or pray if you're religious.

  7. Dear BVs, this might be besides d point but I need answers to it. Can a girl still proudly call herself a virgin after engagin in sexual acts like kissing, fondlin, BJs, HJs, but not allowing actual penetration i.e breakin d hymen???? Some friends and I have had countless arguements about this and I really need answers frm seasoned minds like urs. Thelma ur input is welcome too.

    1. Virgin
      (n.) [vir"gin] 1. A woman who has had no carnal knowledge of man; a maid. 2. A person of the male sex who has not known sexual indulgence.

      So technically a virgin is one who hasn't been penetrated.

    2. Well... in the words of D.K Olukoya... you're not a virgin o! lol...

      And well, the definition of a virgin..

      A virgin:
      1. A person who has never had sexual intercourse.

      2. A person who is naive, innocent, or inexperienced, especially in a particular context.

      not yet touched, used, or exploited.

      Depends on how u see it sha...
      For me, #2 and the adjective part does not define someone that has done all that you stated above. So IMO, the person is not a virgin... the hymen is just intact. lol.. sounds contradicting but that's what I think!

      Btw... what is "Hj" :s

    3. If virgins are people who have no carnal knowledge of any "man",what of women who engage in lesbianism or beastility of self pleasure using toys?
      Oga memphis,sounds like that ur dic-tionary isn't the latest edition

    4. Lmao. I know na. That's why I added my own explanation. If she hasn't been penetrated by any means then she's still a virgin. Penetration alone doesn't break the hymen; accidents also do.

  8. I respect celibates more than virgin. If a woman can successfully be celibate after she has had sex, then it shows how much self control she has.

    1. You respect celibates more than virgins?
      You r very 'smart'

      Which kind of self control is greater than being a virgin?

    2. Exactly my line of thought Jay! No offense anonymous but your comment portrays you to be some one without 'Depth'.

    3. She is right.which is easier, keeping away from somethn you have tasted (knowing how sweet it is) and keeping away from somethn you have never tasted(only imagined how sweet it is). Both take self control but trust it it takes a great deal of self control for a celibate.i dnt want to argue,i experienced both stages. Inshort as a virgin that pain of having sex the first time as people narrate makes the sex less desirable.J

  9. Being celibate is a personal issue. I have d decided to for the past few months and God has been helpful,I respect people's opinions and decision,so if a woman decides to go celibate after years of sexual activeness,who am I to judge her?we all know that SEX before marriage is a sin,so all those who go blabbing about nothing being wrong in having SEX simply have deir own lives to LIVE.

  10. Who wants to f*** , f***!
    Who wants to be celibate, be!
    Who wants to be virgin, be!
    Everybody should carry their cross!

  11. Whatever I choose to do, I owe NOBODY an explanation because at the end of the day, when yansh spoil, na the owner go carry the cross.

    I believe strongly that relationships are more than just having sex. If a guy truly wants me, he'll support me till I'm ready to sleep with him.


  12. Thelma... the thing about taking a decision is you have to stand by it(s*#?! whatever anyone thinks)
    A friend of mine MA, told me he cannot marry a virgin! Because he can't start from the scratch.. *whatever that means* another senior colleague was talking in the staff bus one day and was like "virgin ke?" and iv heard other people say it..
    Now you're saying someone that is not a virgin(that has been sexually active and is not *inexperienced* as virgins are perceived to be. Sometimes, they make it sound like it's such a terrible thing..) and has chosen to be celibate, some people have a problem with it?
    My point is this : *in obey's voice.. ko sogbon to le dah, ko si wa toh le wu, ko sona toh le moh, toh le fi taye lorun o!*

    So yes... my thoughts: that's your decision! I respect it!!!
    I can date someone who is celibate.. though i'm not sexually active!(in fact.. it's fabulous!*in my sis's voice* Lol!)
    And I do not agree to any extent! If you can't handle anyone being celibate... keep it moving... it is not a "by force sometin"!

  13. The reason people say but you're not a virgin is because realistically you've been doing it before so why can't you do it now, unlike virgins whose hymens and innocence are still intact.

  14. I am a female and proud to be a virgin at 28. Its been tough but God has been faithful. Celibacy is good as it means u wil no longer fornicate.

    1. Out of curiosity,do u plan or marrying a virgin or u cldnt be bothered by his body count either ways?

  15. Kabuoy, you respect Dr D.K olukoya a lot. That is great I also attend MFM. Sorry this is beside the post

  16. I am sorry but keep your virginity to yourself. Like stop rubbing it in our faces.

    It does not make your relationship better, does not make your sex better, does not increase your bank account and does not make you a better person. It just means you had sex after so many other people. And last I checked you don’t get an award for that.

  17. Thelma its your decision and you owe NO ONE an apology for it. It a great thing you are doing and for those who are saying sebi you have done it before ble ble ble...its their mouth. Just do what pleases you.....e easy? of the problems we have in the world now is we celebrate and encourage the wrong things and people....if it were all these so called celebrities with no moral standards who were sleeping with various people and putting it on youtube now you go dey see how views and likes go dey hit the roof!...mtchewwwwwwwww.....#JoyDaNuGirl


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