That soul crushing feeling, that smothering feeling of aloneness where you feel like the life is being sucked out of you as a thick blanket hovers over you and presses you down to the ground, that feeling of loneliness where you feel both alone and lonely, little, insignificant, irrelevant, like nothing. Like you matter to no one, like no one cares, or understands. That kind of loneliness.
And it was this feeling of loneliness that partly made me question my existence. It was this feeling of loneliness that drove me to the wall. It was this feeling of loneliness that I felt the night I walked into the kitchen and saw bottles of vodka, brandy and rum. On any other day that might have been a welcome sight but on that night in a moment of minor clarity I knew that the pain would be dulled only for a moment, alcohol would dull that feeling of nothingness only for a moment. But only one thing would end that pain forever, and that one thing was my death. For the first time in my life I thought about suicide and the feeling of joy, calm and peace that flooded through me is something I'm yet to comprehend. It was like a Eureka moment, like the relief you get after trying to solve an algebraic equation for several years and the answer finally finds you. Peace. For the first time in weeks I smiled and it got to my eyes. It was that night I also wrote the post which I posted after some shots of vodka but deleted the next morning because God forbid I showed the world how vulnerable I was, how dare vodka make me press Send?
I didn't suddenly begin to feel that way. Yes, there were/are friends but everyone is too busy trying to save themselves and I generally try to have absolutely not expectations of them. Who then might I have had expectations of? My own someone. And that's why when I'd tell Wale that I'm numb and he would try to convince me that I need to thaw and get out of it I'd smile, because he won't understand.
Don't you see, I've seen that kind of loneliness that drove me to find peace in taking my own life. Thankfully I moved on from that and have never felt that way since then. But somehow, the peace stayed with me. From the moment I stopped feeling, needing or expecting I found peace. The kind of peace that defies and transcends the need to be with or have someone, the kind of peace that gives me joy in my own solace and companionship, the kind of peace where I'm content basking in the warmth of friendship and cause me to stiffen at the thought of something more.
I've become something of a mystery to those around me. How can someone be so unshakable in her resolve, so content to not have anyone. Is she really happy as she attends and plans and celebrates their bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, baby dedications et al. Sometimes I search deep within me for a hint of envy, unhappiness or bitterness and as at yet I haven't found any. I'm genuinely content with all I have and the only thing I want more of is furtherance in my career (goals) and finances. Want to make me happy right now? Ask for my account details and drop some cash in, connect me to that person that can take me to the next level, send me the title deeds to something valuable.
But, do not give me a reason to want, to need, to expect something from someone, something that I cannot give myself, something I'd need to depend on someone else for. I love this feeling, knowing that everything right now is within MY OWN control. Love is like a drug, an addictive one at that, a fix that needs to be satiated. And just the way I feel relieved no longer feeling like my world is about to shatter the moment I rush to the mallam's shed and he's closed meaning no cigarettes for me, I feel relieved knowing that the only ones I depend on for my fix right now are two persons who will NEVER fail me, disappoint me or hold out on it, and that's myself and God.
And so, for the people who have asked me how I contain this celibacy, it's the same reason I continue to reiterate that it's personal and I am no advocate, that's because what drives me is different from what drives everyone else; my ability to not have sex is more emotional and psychological that sexual. Not giving that part of me to anyone except me means I have no reason to expect anything from anyone in return. Thankfully this need also coincided with a time I decided that it would be to my own favour to strengthen my spirituality and rid myself of anything that's detrimental, and up until that point my sexual activities had always been a huge stumbling block...
So anyways, this is my story, my own reality, my feelings, borne of my experiences. I know with your mindsets and your way of thinking you'd begin to chant marriage this, marriage that. That might be what matters most to you but it isn't to me. Please don't try to impose your ideas and ideals on me. Yes, I'm practically 30, just in case you want to remind me. But before you do remember that my experiences, ideals, ideas, desires and goals are different from yours. You do not have to understand it, you don't even have to accept it, all I ask is that you at least respect it. Because what ever you think you know, what ever you think I've told you, you do not know me and you do not know my story.
Of course on some deeper level I crave that companionship that can't be attained through casual or platonic friendships. But that level must be so deep beneath, so much so that the concept itself is still somewhat vague and abstract.
And to everyone who's presently experiencing that crushing feeling of loneliness, I pray God brings you out of it and makes you whole again in a way that only HE can. And if what you truly desire is someone else to make you whole again, I'm only going to remind you that you need to find that wholeness within you, yet I pray that love, companionship and happiness finds you.