LOL. I think one of the most dangerous weapons in this world is a gorgeous pastor with a silver tongue. Already a good pastor wields some power over his congregation, but when said pastor not only knows how to preach that word like a Fortune 500 company Sales Man of The Year, but also has a handsome face, square jaw, broad shoulders and a tall, hard body, then the women in the congregation are ready, willing and eager to do just about anything to and for Pastor. And who suffers through all this? Pastor's wife of course.
Yes, Mrs Zara Chioke suffered through it all. To the church she was the beautiful serene wife, standing supportively beside her husband, the one with the meek smile on her face who spoke only when necessary, the woman ordained to stand by this handsome man of God. She was the envy of all women in the church, and not only because of her god of a husband, but because of her stunning size 8 body with all the perfect curves and a beautiful face, she looked at least ten years younger than her 40years.
Yet behind that beautiful face and meek smile, Zara seethed. She had had it up to here with all the women in the church, both the single and married, the members and the workers and the female Ministers alike! She was almost losing it, the veneer of peace and serenity on her face was wearing thin. Will this never end? The way they ogled him, salivated over him, showed up at his office all day of the week with problems both real and imagined, calling his phones at all hours needing him to pray for them; like only the words from that divine tongue of his will receive an instant YES from God above *RME*, bringing him food and fruit baskets, with expensive gifts he didn't even need, TAKING ALL HIS TIME AND ATTENTION!
Yes. Zara was losing it. Pastor Chidi Chioke was this amazing, fearfully perfect man in church, but at home... At home he just did not exist. The children never saw their father, Zara felt like a single mother, except when they were in church where he would repetitively talk about her like she was the best thing since electricity. Worse yet, she was horny! She had needs that Chidi seemed to have become oblivious to, and this made her only more wary and suspicious. She knew her husband, Chidi was a very sexual man who always had to have his needs satiated; why didn't he come to her panting for it like he used to do before? Was the sender of those salacious texts on his phone the reason behind the husband's increasing late nights, the reason he was starving her of sex?
On this morning, she stands high on the altar before the church, the choir has just serenaded the church with their numbers, carefully selected to transcend the congregation from the physical to the Spirit. Just before that effect wears off 'Mummy' comes to the pulpit to give her two minute performance where she praises, extols and welcomes her husband, best friend and spiritual father to the altar. Its always the same speech every Sunday. She wondered that the congregation still whooped and yayed and screamed in excitement every time she delivered that speech. It must be the Spirit, she should take the choir to lunch soon to express her gratitude...
"Good morning church! I trust we all had a good week. Aren't we all blessed, happy to be in His divine presence this morning? Give God a shout if you feel blessed to be in His presence this morning!"
The church breaks out in thunderous applause, orgasmic screams and loud stomping of feet. The less energetic ones clap or 'give God a wiper' as they wave their hands in the air.
"Hahaha! I know! I know! I feel it too, I feel the spirit! And I'm honoured to be in your presence, blessed as always, to call upon a Man of God, THE Man of God, the one mandated with the purpose of bringing you closer to God, making you discover and enjoy the prosperity this life holds... The man that I am eternally honoured to call my darling, my sweetheart, my boo, the father of my children, my lover, my best friend, my spiritual father, my husband...."
With each word the crowd grows more excitable, to the outside eye they must look like a crowd at a Rock concert gearing up for their idol to come on stage and blast those speakers! The screams are even more orgasmic, the ground shakes in trepidation under the feet of those stomping and jumping, the less energetic have become so energetic that they carry their chairs above their heads and use them to 'give God a wiper', the clappers have broken out in dance that only they hear in their heads.
"I know people, I know, I know. I feel it too... I can feel the Spirit here this morning. It is an awesome feeling. But just before I welcome, my husband, our daddy and Pastor to the pulpit, I have just one question" she says as her voice drops lower, taking on a serious tone. The church calms down and take their seats, sitting only on the edges, ready to be propelled from them at any second.
Mummy leans forward and squints, looking slowly from left to right into the crowd as though searching for someone!
"Halleluyahhhhh!" She suddenly screams out and they all scream right back, waiting eagerly for what is to follow, another opportunity to break out into holy frenzy once again.
"So..." She says, "Which one of you wenches is screwing my husband?" She speaks calmly into the mic.
The church immediately falls silent, there's and uncomfortable shuffling of feet in the congregation and the church workers freeze, not sure if they heard correctly, uncertain what was going on or what to do, they hadn't been taught how to act in the event of this happening.
Pastor Chidi feels his jaw go loose.
"Oops! Just joking ladies. I know you'll never dare, after all he is my husband and you are ALL children of God. Haha... Join me as I welcome our Pastor, the one, the only... Supremely anointed, divinely anointed Man of God. MY. HUSBAND. Pastor Chidi Chioke!" she calls out gleefully before she drops the mic and walks gracefully to her seat, that beautifully meek and serene smile still on her face.
Happy Sunday guys!!!